When is it ever good to ‘Ghost’ someone

Discussion in 'Journals and blogs' started by MistressNicx, May 22, 2022.

Random Thread
  1. MistressNicx
    Offline

    Verified Female

    Joined:
    Nov 26, 2019
    Messages:
    81
    Likes Received:
    247
    Trophy Points:
    43
    Gender:
    Female
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    Swansea
    Local Time:
    6:52 AM
    I wasn’t sure where to put this on the forum so decided blog is probably the best place. Who knows it may inspire me to write some more at some point, as I am not generally one to write to much about me and this lifestyle on here. I am a keen observer and have met some truly amazing people on here. I am always intrigued by how people have found themselves wanting to be locked/dominated or lock and dominate. There are so many different areas to this lifestyle.


    So I am single, have a few online subs who I control, but that’s just not enough. Why is it so hard to find a man to show some kind of commitment.


    I have chatted to quite a few ‘single’ men, I put the apostrophes as I can never be 100 percent certain they are. I give my time to get to know these people, more often than not we end up chatting on the phone, getting to know each other better.


    Whilst I am dominant, I guess I am easy going as well, when first chatting to people. Its important to me, to not jump straight into Domme mode, having sensible conversation to find out each other’s likes and dislikes, etc.


    What I have come to learn is that subs want the kinky lifestyle, love the idea of being locked, but I guess the reality is something else.


    So can I ask you men who find themselves in that situation to be honest and tell the lady you are speaking to. You may find she is understanding, may be supportive and may be just normal about these things.


    Disappearing or ghosting someone is not great, it has happened to me a few times and I am getting tired of it all. It has an effect on how I see the next person, waiting not be ghosted again.


    I’ll give you an example. This weekend a sub I chatted to, was meant to visit my hometown. He was going to stay a mile or so away. He even ordered a cage to be delivered to my address. He checked out my Fetlife account and saw I had an interest in SPH. He honed in on that, eventually convincing himself that he would like to be locked, to make his penis shrink and become useless, so no other woman would want him. He booked a hotel, sent me the confirmation to prove he was coming. Then a week ago, I got ghosted. He works away from home and is extremely busy when he is away, I get that. His last message to me was that he would message me later on, prior to that it was all very positive, so why then ghost me? Now I know some of you are thinking, something may have happened that means he can’t make contact. I would like that to be true, but I can see he has been online.


    Now I am left wondering:

    • Did he get scared?
    • Was it all just a fantasy on his part?
    • Did someone make him a better offer?
    • Did I say something wrong?

    All he needed to do was either send a text, email or message on these platforms and say he couldn’t make it, give a reason why and then I would have known.


    So can I ask anyone reading this, man or woman, keyholder or locked person, sub or Domme, to think on before you make arrangements with someone to meet, to have the conviction to say you have made a mistake in what you want, if you have or merely if your circumstances has changed. You may be surprised, that person may be very understanding and accept that.


    If you have got this far, thank you for reading, I would say I will step off my soapbox, but I don’t see it as a rant as such, just trying to get people to understand that when you ghost someone, it can hurt the other person.

    I will continue to chat to you lovely people and learn more from you all and your relationships and how they work. Thank you :)
     
    Chaz69, chastesoon, matteus and 8 others like this.
  2. enslavedbyc
    Offline

    enslavedbyc Junior Member

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2010
    Messages:
    565
    Likes Received:
    707
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Male
    Local Time:
    12:52 AM
    My guess:

    The whole idea of getting his fantasy fulfilled was incredibly exciting. By doing all the preparation he got 90ish percent there and his fantasy was in overdrive, reality was almost in his grasp!

    Then he had a fantastic masturbation session fueled by his fantasy! …Climaxed, came back to reality “remembered” that he was married and chickened out.

    He will likely never call again based on embarrassment.

    OR

    Something completely different happened.

    One possible solution, in the future insist on a coffee date IRL, very early on before you expend that kind of emotional energy.

    I’m sorry that happened to you.
     
    gingers_sub likes this.
  3. MistressNicx
    Offline

    Verified Female

    Joined:
    Nov 26, 2019
    Messages:
    81
    Likes Received:
    247
    Trophy Points:
    43
    Gender:
    Female
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    Swansea
    Local Time:
    6:52 AM

    I agree, although I am certain he isn’t married and is single, but everything else is spot on what I think happened x
     
  4. enslavedbyc
    Offline

    enslavedbyc Junior Member

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2010
    Messages:
    565
    Likes Received:
    707
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Male
    Local Time:
    12:52 AM

    I only can add that it’s highly unlikely that it has anything to do with you.
     
    MistressNicx likes this.
  5. Headtrip
    Offline

    Headtrip Long term member

    Joined:
    Jun 11, 2019
    Messages:
    856
    Likes Received:
    2,006
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Male
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    Midwest USA
    Local Time:
    2:52 AM
    Valid points that can apply to so many situations. Thanks for the reminder to be considerate. Good luck in your search - there are some good guys out there, I promise!
     
    MistressNicx likes this.
  6. MistressNicx
    Offline

    Verified Female

    Joined:
    Nov 26, 2019
    Messages:
    81
    Likes Received:
    247
    Trophy Points:
    43
    Gender:
    Female
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    Swansea
    Local Time:
    6:52 AM
    Yeah I know, I think this guy is good too, just a little bit foolish in how he dealt with it. Thanks x
     
    gentleman zig likes this.
  7. Maddie Mae
    Offline

    Verified Female

    Joined:
    Jan 8, 2019
    Messages:
    223
    Likes Received:
    5,048
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Occupation:
    Litigator
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    United States, Mid-Atlantic
    Local Time:
    2:52 AM
    #7 Maddie Mae, May 22, 2022
    Last edited: May 23, 2022
    @MistressNicx I feel so bad for you and sorry you had to go through that. Nothing worse that a build up anticipation and excitement, only to be disappointed

    @enslavedbyc has it pretty much spot on, maybe with a couple of similar variations, but that doesn't make it any better about how you were left feeling.

    We have had numerous adult adventures (although different circumstances from yours) with others planned only to be left at the restaurant without as much a "f__k you". We even had one instance where we met, had a light dinner and drinks, agreed everyone was comfortable and were to adjourned to our accommodations just down the street. Provided the room number and said we would meet there. You guessed it....no show

    Truth is there are way to many posers and pretenders when it comes to internet connections. This won't be your first rodeo either if you decide to keep trying to find that unicorn. And I truly hope you do. You will find your joy.

    A couple of tips we have learned. With all the new technology phones and pads out there, suggest a face time or video call. That way you can see and hear who your prospective meet up will be. It also gives you a chance to see if you are still interested. Don't commit a lot of money setting up the meeting. Make sure you can cancel a room and maybe at least get a portion of the reservation fee refunded.

    Believe me, this encounter will make you stronger, smarter, and better prepared for the next one. As they say...it a learning curve.

    Wishing you find your happiness soon....Maddie
     
  8. MistressNicx
    Offline

    Verified Female

    Joined:
    Nov 26, 2019
    Messages:
    81
    Likes Received:
    247
    Trophy Points:
    43
    Gender:
    Female
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    Swansea
    Local Time:
    6:52 AM
    Thanks for kind words, sadly he isn’t the first and no doubt won’t be the last. I just think it is such a shame, you learn to expect it. We chatted on the phone a few times, so had no reason to doubt him. He even sent me the hotel confirmation. All I ask is for honesty and good communication.

    thanks again for replying x
     
    Maddie Mae likes this.
  9. Guest 6019
    Offline

    Guest 6019 Long term member

    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2020
    Messages:
    1,717
    Likes Received:
    2,380
    Trophy Points:
    143
    Local Time:
    6:52 AM
    I could never do that to another person. If you change your mind at least have the respect to let them know. That is awful. And 100% not your fault. Maybe finding a regular guy looking for love and being open about the fact that you are dominant. So many guys out there would think it a dream come true, but they are looking for companionship. And perhaps never dared to dream of an incredible woman like you.
     
  10. Guest 3729
    Offline

    Guest 3729 Long term member

    Joined:
    Sep 16, 2017
    Messages:
    1,332
    Likes Received:
    2,518
    Trophy Points:
    143
    Local Time:
    12:52 AM
    Sorry this happened to you, I can imagine it’s hard being a dominant woman in the dating world with all the male flakes out there. I can say with much certainty without even knowing the situation that you are in no way at fault here. Someone who disappears on you like that is clearly hiding something and he took his fantasy as far as he was willing too before pulling the plug. I wish you better luck with your next potential date.
    Not sure what dating platforms you’ve tried but it might be worth putting yourself on a vanilla dating site and casually mentioning you’re a domme. I think many more men like and are interested in dominant women than you’d think. Keep it simple that you are a domme and don’t go into any of the sex stuff. If they want to find that out, they can get to know you in person first. Just my 2 cents :)
     
    gentleman zig and MistressNicx like this.
  11. MistressNicx
    Offline

    Verified Female

    Joined:
    Nov 26, 2019
    Messages:
    81
    Likes Received:
    247
    Trophy Points:
    43
    Gender:
    Female
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    Swansea
    Local Time:
    6:52 AM
    Thanks for your kind words :)
     
  12. MistressNicx
    Offline

    Verified Female

    Joined:
    Nov 26, 2019
    Messages:
    81
    Likes Received:
    247
    Trophy Points:
    43
    Gender:
    Female
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    Swansea
    Local Time:
    6:52 AM
    I am told by submissive men that it’s a Dommes world with so many sub men to pick from, it truly isn’t, so many bullshitters, time wasters and fantasists.

    Maybe the vanilla route is the answer, but after a lousy vanilla relationship, I swore I wouldn’t go down that road again. Maybe singledom is the way forward ;)

    Thank you for your kind words.
     
    gentleman zig and AllySiss like this.
  13. Darkhorse.SJ
    Offline

    Darkhorse.SJ Member

    Joined:
    Oct 28, 2014
    Messages:
    32
    Likes Received:
    51
    Trophy Points:
    28
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Scientist
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    Durham, England
    Home Page:
    Local Time:
    6:52 AM
    Sometimes people just turn out to be shits, as sad as that is. I'm in a transitional period at this moment in my life so I'm not looking right now, but when I was, and always in the interactions and relationships I've had through my life, I've never once "ghosted" anyone. I think it's incredibly cowardly. If things weren't working I've always had a face to face chat and usually things end well.

    Over the years I have formulated 3 general tips, or rules if you like, about finding a finding partner :

    1. Make sure they are local. Sure, long distance relationships can work but finding one that does is very much the exception rather than the rule. Someone who says they're fine to drive for 6-12 hours every weekend to see you is kidding themselves. That shit will get old and it will get old fast.

    2. Make sure they are who they say they are via video call. I've never been catfished and I never intend to be.

    3. Make sure they are OK to meet up for a coffee / drink / luncheon / walk in the park BEFORE any kind of kinky shit takes place. Even if you're both cool with something casual and understand that most of your meetings will be of a sexual nature it's far less disappointing to be stood up sitting in a coffee shop than it is decked out in all your kink gear in a hotel room.

    If you're actually looking for a connection that may lead to an LTR then there is a hidden "Directive 4" (just like in ROBOCOP!) :-

    4. Make sure, outside of sex/kink, that you have a decent amount in common. I've met some great women who have synced up very nicely with me sexually, only to have absolutely zero "life" compatibility with me, and vice versa. Having one without the other, whichever way round it is, can be heartbreaking.

    When I'm ready to return to the dating scene / kink scene as well as getting out more on my local scene I think I'm going to give eHarmony a bash. I've read good things about it and I think as long as you are honest up front about your kinky side then it's as good a place as any to meet someone.

    In any event, I wish you all the best :) Good luck!
     
    chaste45 and AllySiss like this.
  14. MistressNicx
    Offline

    Verified Female

    Joined:
    Nov 26, 2019
    Messages:
    81
    Likes Received:
    247
    Trophy Points:
    43
    Gender:
    Female
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    Swansea
    Local Time:
    6:52 AM
    Thank you for your lovely reply. Good luck with your search when you are ready x
     
  15. MissyB
    Offline

    MissyB Long term member

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2019
    Messages:
    7,854
    Likes Received:
    11,317
    Trophy Points:
    143
    Occupation:
    maid, (I wish)
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    Tennessee hills
    Local Time:
    2:52 AM
    Having been ghosted myself, it is not a nice action. i can't understand why someone would not just be open about their decision not to meet or go further. When i get to that stage, i own up to it. Sometimes things change, but curtsey shouldn't be abandoned because of other factors. Good luck with search and try to enjoy life.
     
    sissy molly, jemima and MistressNicx like this.
  16. jemima
    Offline

    jemima maid for my Mistress

    Joined:
    Dec 19, 2011
    Messages:
    12,136
    Likes Received:
    12,969
    Trophy Points:
    153
    Occupation:
    Maid
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    Birmingham
    Local Time:
    6:52 AM
    it has happen to me as well but it only happen with folks on the pooters cos it dont happen when you meet folks. i think that they just go and vanish and do other thingys. its nasty i think cos you dont know what has happen to them. they shud say bye bye and then you know that they am going. if you looks at all the folks that use to come on here a lot. well theres lots and lots that never ever come on now. what has happen to all them. they have just vanish.
     
    sissy molly likes this.
  17. Breathe
    Online

    Breathe Be true to yourself

    Joined:
    Dec 1, 2017
    Messages:
    630
    Likes Received:
    6,988
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    United States
    Local Time:
    12:52 AM
    Couldn't agree more with this, on all fronts.

    @MistressNicx, I can definitely understand why you'd go through those questions after getting ghosted, especially the bit about wondering if you'd done something wrong. I echo others here in saying that probably has nothing to do with it.

    In my experience, a sub that's practically foaming at the mouth to "get straight into it" can spawn some fun conversation... but their intention of bringing that energy into reality is likely much more flaccid - and not in a good way.

    Good luck on your search!
     
  18. Guest 3729
    Offline

    Guest 3729 Long term member

    Joined:
    Sep 16, 2017
    Messages:
    1,332
    Likes Received:
    2,518
    Trophy Points:
    143
    Local Time:
    12:52 AM
    Yeah that’s for sure, there’s no short supply of men who want to be with a domme woman but there’s an extremely short supply of men who actually understand what the dynamic means or how to behave in any relationship in general. I think a lot of the men who believe they are sub are purely attracted to the sexual aspect of the relationship but then not much goes beyond that besides saying the things they think they are supposed too in order to get what they want. I freely admit that I didn’t understand what it meant to truly be a sub to my wife when we started down this path. There was a learning curve for both of us but I lived in the fallacy of thinking that these relationships were more about the sex versus the obedience. Obviously there’s a balance between the two but the play and sex isn’t earned until the obedience has been shown. It took me a long time to learn that and I’m surprised my wife put up with as much as she did but perhaps she had seen promise and that the benefits for her were there.
    As to my comment about using a vanilla site for dating I didn’t necessarily mean to go the vanilla route. I just meant use a more vanilla dating site but explain that you are domme and that you’d prefer a submissive man. I wouldn’t even let them know you have a fetlife account let alone some of your kinks until maybe you’ve gone on a few dates and you get a good feeling from them. I think going about it this way would somewhat help weed out those men who are just going to hone in on their sexual fantasies once they’ve seen your sexual interests. You might encounter a man on a more vanilla site who has an interest in being with a domme without necessarily knowing what your sexual interests are. My guess is that the fantasists and bullshitters are going to immediately ask you about your sexual interests and focus on that instead asking you questions about who you are and what your interests are outside of the D/s world.
    Also I’m not sure how you feel about this but personally I’m the kind of guy (although it’s been years since I’ve dated someone else) that would focus on creating a relationship with one person even if I wasn’t sure that I liked them but I feel like I invested myself more than I should’ve. My wife on the other hand before we were together was always going out on dates sometimes back to back with different guys. She never wanted to feel tied to one person just because he asked her out first when others had asked her out too. A lot of those dates were just one time dates and she didn’t feel obligated to put more effort into one person if she didn’t feel a connections after the first date… move onto the next. I do hope you fine what you are looking for. I don’t even know you but I am taking it personally that you are having to deal with fakes and flakes :)
     
  19. MistressNicx
    Offline

    Verified Female

    Joined:
    Nov 26, 2019
    Messages:
    81
    Likes Received:
    247
    Trophy Points:
    43
    Gender:
    Female
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    Swansea
    Local Time:
    6:52 AM
    Thank you again for lovely response. I hope I didn’t sound dismissive about vanilla relationships, it was a great suggestion.
     
    Guest 3729 likes this.
  20. Guest 3729
    Offline

    Guest 3729 Long term member

    Joined:
    Sep 16, 2017
    Messages:
    1,332
    Likes Received:
    2,518
    Trophy Points:
    143
    Local Time:
    12:52 AM
    I didn’t think you were dismissive in the slightest, I completely understand and agree that is would be hard to go back to vanilla once you’ve tasted the other life.
     
    MistressNicx likes this.
  21. sissy molly
    Offline

    sissy molly Member

    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2022
    Messages:
    15
    Likes Received:
    48
    Trophy Points:
    13
    Local Time:
    2:52 AM
    First of all, im sorry that you put yourself out and have to experience this kind of lack of respect. Stay on your soap box, you deserve the honor of being there.

    I am a "man" living undercover as a sissy and the thought has crossed my mind several times in talking with other "sissies or alphas", is this person as real as I am? Are they serious? Are they mature enough to be respectful to communicate there feelings, desires and most of all respect mine.

    I find in my limited exp, that most people don't have the courage to be honest.

    Bottom line is alot of people talk the talk, but can not walk the walk.

    Dont despair.

    Keep the faith

    There are humans that can be respectful, responsible and mature

    XXOOXX
    m(_:_)m

    Humbly, molly
     
    MistressNicx likes this.
  22. MistressNicx
    Offline

    Verified Female

    Joined:
    Nov 26, 2019
    Messages:
    81
    Likes Received:
    247
    Trophy Points:
    43
    Gender:
    Female
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    Swansea
    Local Time:
    6:52 AM
    Thank you for your kind words Molly x
     
    sissy molly likes this.
  23. Xileh
    Offline

    Xileh Happily Serving

    Joined:
    Jun 4, 2018
    Messages:
    1,373
    Likes Received:
    2,649
    Trophy Points:
    143
    Gender:
    Male
    Local Time:
    11:52 PM
    You are a rare, and very special woman. You don't deserve how you have been treated.

    When you communicate with a potential sub, if the conversation quickly turns to kink, specifically their kinks, that should be a red flag. A genuine submissive, will primarily desire only one thing, to serve you. All else is secondary.

    The conversation should revolve around your needs and opinions. A true sub knows how rare and special you are. He will always want to know more about you. He knows how lucky he is to have found you and worships your attention.

    If he continuously steers the conversation toward himself, phony baloney.

    Thank you for putting this to the group. There are some really good people here who care.
     
  24. MistressNicx
    Offline

    Verified Female

    Joined:
    Nov 26, 2019
    Messages:
    81
    Likes Received:
    247
    Trophy Points:
    43
    Gender:
    Female
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    Swansea
    Local Time:
    6:52 AM
    thanks xileh xx
     
  25. Isopropylforyou
    Offline

    Isopropylforyou Long term member

    Joined:
    Mar 1, 2020
    Messages:
    551
    Likes Received:
    854
    Trophy Points:
    103
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Seeker of Truth and Knowledge.
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    Texas
    Local Time:
    1:52 AM
    Ghosting is not fair and it hurts.

    However on the bright side of things, it saves you the trouble of spending a fair amount of time only to discover that this person is not right for you.

    The good news is, you know what you want. Most people do not. Stick to your convictions and do not let yourself settle for anything less than want you want and, more importantly, what you deserve.

    Iso.
     
    MistressNicx likes this.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice