Thoughts on Power exchange and Responsibilities

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by Burger_01, Dec 11, 2009.

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  1. Burger_01
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    Burger_01 Chastity Geek

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    Why is it every time I come up with a good thread, the forum is already white hot with posts! Damnit!

    I wish I'd had the chance to write this when I thought of it, but at the time, I only had my iphone handy and it's going to be a longer post than that. If you're planning to read, settle in.

    So I had this thought the other night, about how power exchange works. In this realm of chastity, it seems that so many mistresses have slaves who have domestic responsibilities. So while they've given up the power choose when to orgasm, or how things play out in the bedroom, they've gained "power" over the responsibility of running the house.

    To provide an example (hopefully), although we share most chores equally (or at least try too), it seems to make sense to have one of us looking after the financial duties (bills etc). When we first got together, my wife enjoyed it, but her work role has been taking so much of her time that the responsibility of the bills fell to me. This is where it gets confusing.. If we're in a D/s role, and she's is ruling and dominant over me, then me having control of her finances doesn't make any sense at all! You can see how easy it would be for me to neglect to pay a bill and she'd be in all sorts of troubles. Who has the power?

    I know the answer for some is that I should live in fear of her punishments for any infraction. I've had to work hard on realising that negative reinforcement doesn't achieve much, compared to positive reinforcement, and I have no desire to live in fear of my beloved. I choose to give her power, I'm not obliged to.

    I guess what I'm trying to work out is, how much responsibility can you give a sub/slave before you wind up loosing power to them?

    I hope you get good mileage out of these thoughts :)
     
  2. Mistress Watchful
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    Mistress Watchful Dont believe the hype ;oP

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    When I was having trouble in my marriage a read a book called "The Surrendered Wife".

    This was about surrendering to your husband and allowing him to care for you and nurture you and your family.

    One of the BIG rules was that if you were in control of the finances you HAD to give them back to your husband so that he could feel powerful and in control.

    The reason for that ramble there was that it completely backs up what you are saying, but I had real issues with it. Maybe that's why I never surrendered, and maybe that's why my marriage fell apart! Lol!

    I really felt that a marriage (relationship, in any way, shape or form) should not be defined by the fact that the person who ran the finances was the one who was in control!

    I ran the finances because it was convenient, not because I wanted to be an all powerful being in the house. If my hubby had done it, it wouldn't have been done well and we would have transcended into debt with the utility companies quite rapidly. He was a busy man, providing the money to pay the bills.

    (Ready for a real ramble...)

    As you may be aware I am still married to him. We are not together at all. He currently lives out of the UK for 90% of the time. I still have 100% control over all the finances, BUT he can withdraw that power at any given moment. Who exactly is in control?

    I wonder if there is a confusion here between "giving power" and "delegating tasks".

    If your Mistress needs you to do something because she is busy, then she has given you that responsibility, and I'm sure you would do it as well as you can to gain her approval.

    On another tangent it's like the slaves/submissives that are always saying "I'll worship your pussy 24/7" like it's some terrible torture. Most likely these submissives have a fetish for giving oral sex, so does that mean they are in control when they serve sexually?

    As a Mistress (or even just a woman) I love sex, I love oral sex, and it is part of my submissive's role is to serve me sexually when I want it. As far as I see, the sexual part of serving is a "treat", it is the domestic side of serving that makes a submissive worthy of those treats. If a submissive was bad I don't think I'd punish him by making him serve me sexually... that just doesn't make sense!

    In my mind if a Dom/me has given you a task to perform, be it housework, paying the bills, mowing the lawn, then you are doing it at Her bidding, and she is therefore still the one in control.
     
  3. Burger_01
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    Burger_01 Chastity Geek

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    Thanks MW.. :)

    I should have mentioned, this is all hypothetical.. it's just an exploration of ideas, a thought experiment. I would never do something like miss a bill intentionally.

    This is kinda what I was thinking.. I guess I used to see power exchange as clear cut, because initially we were just playing in the bedroom. There it's simple, you give up, and let someone dominate for the purpose of sex.. but when power exchange moves into the rest of your life it can sometimes be quite confusing to see who is Dom and sub in particular roles and particular times.

    It's something I need to do some thinking about, and probably the cause of a lot of bratty sub syndrome!
     
  4. ladylionzsissy
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    ladylionzsissy male chastity sissymaid

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    i know that with a power exchange comes responsibility. the sub should remain submissive, and the Domme, dominant. but all the while there should be a sense of right and wrong, of giving and taking in an appropriate way in such a manner that both feel they're the first person in their lives. i feel if that's not the case then the sense of resentment crops up and if not managed right can lead to dissolution.
     
  5. mikecb
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    mikecb Member

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    Interesting thread. Personally, I've never equated money with power. I don't really think the person writing the checks and paying the bills has an inordinate amount of control because of it. As stated above, I think it's a "delegated task" in a way.

    We each have control over each other every day. Most D/s couples live in the same house. You have to surrender a lot of control simply to share living quarters, unless you're totally in a master/slave kind of relationship. It's all about compromises, even if we designate one person to be the one "in control". I think handling money >feels< more powerful, but I don't think it is. After all, the sub could "accidentally" burn down the house, crash the car, damage something valuable... I think writing the checks gives a perception of power that isn't really any greater than the sub already has.

    Then again, I've always been a rather uppity bottom! ;-p

    mikecb
     
  6. PT109
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    PT109 Senior Member

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    I pay all of the bills in our household. I also wash all of the dishes. I don't really see any difference. Paying bills is time consuming, why should my Mistress bother with the task?
     
  7. Burger_01
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    Burger_01 Chastity Geek

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    Ladylionzsissy, I agree. What I think we're trying to find is a situation where she can be Dominant, but we can both still be ourselves. For us (and I know it will be different for others) the dom/sub thing is still supposed to be in the bedroom. Neither of us are ready to take it into our whole life.. but it looks like thats happening. There's a difference between being a sub and not being allowed an opinion, or input on important steps we might take as a couple, although I guess that could be a Mistress's responsibility to a sub; to be considerate.

    Mikecb, The money was just an example. Similar sorts of things could happen anywhere in your life, for example, whoever cooks dinner probably decides what we're having for tea. Unless your mistress is going to set a menu every day, she's going to have to accept your decision on whats for tea; where did her power go then? It would be horrendously arduous and no fun at all to be dictating the terms of every task you'd like your sub to perform! Maybe I'm thinking about it all wrong.. maybe, since sexual dominance is based largely on the sub offering control to the dom, maybe domestic dominance is too. Maybe it's about "I offer to do these things for you because I love you and would like to please you" instead of "I have to do these things because you say so", although the offer is implicit and rarely spoken about.

    PT109,
    Thanks for the feedback :). That's not how it works for us though. Mistress should bother with the task, because it needs to be done. That's the strength of a couple, she can pay bills WHILE I'm washing the dishes. Then we can go to bed early and she can be pleasured :). We both live here and we feel that we should both put roughly the same effort into keeping the place running.
     
  8. Goddess Joanne
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    Goddess Joanne Junior Member

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    Even after just 24 hours under lock and key, the power between my husband and I has shifted. Although having read through everyones comments I realise that we were already Dom/Sub before a chastity device was introduced. I run our company, and technically my husband works for me more than anything else. He wouldn't know how much there is in our account and he trusts me completely to pay bills and know how much we have and where. BC (Before Chastity), I was already taking the lead, its ironic really that I should now be questioning my ability to control his orgasms. sharing responsibilities is a courtesy I can extend to him or not. And then of course there is the matter of whether you define within the game or outside of the game.

    Does that make any sense at all - I think I might have got it very confused.

    GJ:scared0016:
     
  9. icarus_101
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    icarus_101 Babygirl

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    Okey people...I think you have missed the point here. Well, some of the nuances of it at least.

    When you take your car to a garage to be service, this is a service the garage provide. You pay for it and the garage provides a services.
    The fact the machanic knows morew about your car than you every will is irrelevant, you are in control.

    If you hand over the control of the household finance to some one; they can be in control or they can be just providing a service' it depends on the attitude of each member.

    If your accountant is your sissy partner or your alpha male; that is dependant on how you play things.

    Handling money is not the same as controlling money. Ask any banker...

    The key to any control is the mind set. not the action.

    You are only in control if you think you are in control.

    That is the key...
     
  10. chastityslavejohn
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    chastityslavejohn Mistress Irianna's pet

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    Mistress only does what pleases Her...period. i do whatever Mistress requires, including all the boring nasty chores like bill paying, laundry, cooking, errands.

    as MW points out, Mistress loves performing oral on me...of course always on Her terms and when She is in the mood. i eagerly provide oral service for Mistress...my favorite pastime.
     
  11. xcitex2
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    xcitex2 Back from the past!

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    Marvelous explanation. This statement really sums it all up. While I know money is just the example here, I pay all the bills because my wife/Goddess hates to do it. She however accounts for 2/3 of our income as my business does not match what she brings in. So in all honesty I do provide the service of handling a task she hates to do. With any relationship D/s or otherwise there are boundaries and expectations set by both partners based on prior communication. Your level of servitude really depends on the mutual expectations of both partners. I have seen many relationships where the husband is in perfect control of almost every aspect but there is that one area where the wife will say touch this area and you die! LOL submission is a will of the mind, not an act. Dominance likewise the same. both must exist mutually for either to thrive.
     
  12. Mistress Watchful
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    Mistress Watchful Dont believe the hype ;oP

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    Yep - I think icarus nailed it! (Good to see you btw) :sign0011:
     
  13. Burger_01
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    Burger_01 Chastity Geek

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    I really like this line. This captures it for me.

    Thanks Xcitex, for articulating Icarus' point so well.
     
  14. FantMstr
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    FantMstr Junior Member

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    I like the banker quote, there is a definite difference between controlling and handleing money.

    As far as power, I always liked the definition of D/s as power exchange. The submissive gives the Dom the power, the Dom uses it. That power could be the assignment of any and all duties as seen fit by the Dom. What is a wonderful job to one, can be hated by tanother. Each couple needs to work out their own needs. Along with Power exchange (PE) there is also EPE (Erotic Power Exchange). EPE happens sexually, PE can and in many cases permeates the whole relationship.

    Reminds me of the old joke of the Masochist married to the sadist. The masochist says ... beat me, beat me ... the sadist says ... No.

    What is gravy for one is garbage for someone else.

    Rambling done. :anim_39:

    Fantasy Mstr
     
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