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Rebuilding trust with chastity

Discussion in 'Chastity and orgasm denial' started by Breathe, Dec 2, 2017.

  1. I'm curious to know what others have experienced when chastity is introduced after a previous erosion of trust.

    I understand Keyholders use chastity for numerous reasons such as the cessation of excessive masturbation or prolonging general denial. I'm quite sure there are endless reasons for chastity, found within a vast array of relationships... but does it change the circumstances when previous trust issues exist?

    I'll likely cross-post some past writing from another site at some point to explain our backstory in greater detail, but the framework for my questions is this: He broke my orgasm control mandate (#1 D/s priority) and was unfaithful (online) over a period of time in the not-terribly-distant past, and sometimes I still wonder if he's completely true to Me and us.

    'There were more chats than orgasms. It was only one,' he's said. Even though that statement sucks to hear just on its own and invites a maddening comparison in my mind, which I won't discuss right now - I find it's the better of the two, if it's true.

    Orgasm control has been a part of our dynamic since the beginning. To literally see evidence of that specific facet of My control spilling away in a hidden video last year, was a harsh pill for M/me to swallow... as an Owner and as a faithful partner.

    Last year after I made some discoveries, he verbally confirmed what he calls his deepest desires (to date) and expressed large amounts of shame about them. He says he strayed because he thought I wouldn't love him anymore if I knew what he wanted. Being lucky enough to have mostly positive experiences with sex, I easily embraced his secret desires - most of which revolved around gender play. I can't say I was surprised about his cravings, given the dynamic of our (at that point, two-year) D/s relationship... but it infuriated and hurt Me not to previously know about them. And the wasted cum was something I'm not sure I'll ever forget.

    The point is, the whole situation begged for and bred deceit and that's not what I had intentions for us to build. Not by a long shot.

    However, after a long talk upon the first night of that discovery, I told him there's nothing wrong with feeling feminine if he wants. "Be yourself, because I love you as you are." I don't think he ever truly expected acceptance of his sexual tendencies...

    Since that time, we've discovered countless things about one another that have lead to some truly beautiful moments in intimacy. It's been like our relationship was new, yet we were still 'old' friends. Explosions of conversation every day. We've made some serious advancements in our communication and our bond. We even decided to get married, and made it happen. We're going through immigration. All of those things are happening and they represent positive signs of progress. We're closing the gap and I have tangible proof of the direction we're heading. Saying these things are good would be an understatement.

    However, every Dom/me or KH knows, I'm sure, that breaking a hard limit can have grave consequences. Especially if it's the hardest - one of such importance that the entire existence of the power exchange rests on its fulfillment. No one likes broken promises, but my point here is the disappointment from some of them just stay with you longer than others. Even when things are good.

    We've only just begun our journey into physical chastity, yet I've found it to be uplifting without many negative thoughts over the past week while we've been discussing it. Before that, I'd become slightly paranoid (due to an anniversary effect, I think) and for whatever reason, thoughts of locking him up have made all of those negative vibes dissipate.

    Has anyone (particularly KHs) found chastity helpful in repairing bonds of trust? Was the progression into chastity a challenge or a comfort to you? What changes did you notice in yourself and your ability to trust him after locking him up?
  2. Without further back story it's hard to say but life is dynamic and things change and ebb and flow. Bonds of trust take time to build and seconds to break. Chastity has nothing to do with it. Chastity is nothing more then a sex game between consenting adults who agree to play. If one partner doesn't feel the game is enjoyable he/she can change the rules or quit. You either trust him or you don't.

    My wife is the one who is interested in chastity but we can't agree on the rules and haven't started. Right now I am quite disturbed with her attitude to the point I would rather go back to the sand box and get shot at then deal with her attempts to get us involved in this life style. There is back story to us as well. What is somewhat amazing is that I have been wounded far worse by things she has said or done then any bullet or burn
  3. As far as trust goes, I wouldn’t recommend chastity for a couple that was using it as a way for him to stay faithful. To give up control of your penis forever and to say it is now theirs is no small act, and it’s not without ups and downs. If honesty really is something required then the consequences for being honest cannot be so dire. Who wants to tell the truth if they feel they can’t. So if advice was asked for I would concentrate on the honesty, lighten up on the consequences, and make him want to be honest.

    All that being said it has actually been a benefit for my kh. She had some trust issues with partners cheating (who doesn’t), but she actually felt very at ease for the first time. There was no possible way for me to cheat on her. Not at all. I don’t even have access to a spare key, it can’t come off unless she knows about it. We love each other, but it was a large weight lifted from her that not only would I not cheat, I couldn’t.

    So it wasn’t why we got into this, but it certainly was a benefit for her.

    As far as him hiding his gender issues, as much as it hurts to feel lied to, please remember he has probably felt shame and fear his whole adult life. Working hard at hiding it from loved ones he didn’t want to lose. It’s great you are so accepting, but the thought of the possible loss of your love is a real and powerful fear. Try not to be too hard on him.

    Anyway, that’s how the trust portion of chastity fits into our dynamic.
  4. I have to agree with nicoftime. My wife and I have been together since we were 15 years old, I am now 57. We never had trust issues until about 6 years
    ago I lost 60 pounds and got back into shape. She felt that I was looking for something else that has never crossed my mind. I got a device to show her
    that there would never be any one else.

    We found out after a while that there were other feelings that we never really expected. It felt good that she could be the one who decided when and how
    far sex would go and how it ended. Our trust was never in question, but the honesty that came after that was liberating. After all the time we had together it was
    like a new chapter. I'm not sure if it is a trust issue for him, or more than someone unable so share a part of themselves that they may have hidden for years.
    You said you are glad that you were out of the south because of the way people think. He may feel that the way he feels is wrong because it is not supposed
    to be normal.

    If he gave you the key and you really except him the way he is, show your pet that he is your's and make sure he knows that.
    Good Luck
  5. I should probably start by saying after I hit 'post', I immediately lamented using a preposition instead of a conjunction in this title... heh. Lack of editorial insight when I was done writing, I suppose! I definitely should have used 'and'. The power of words is demonstrated yet again.

    By no means are we using chastity (devices or not) as the main tool to rebuild trust, nor are we using it as punishment for the things I mentioned. Actually, thorough discussions of incorporating physical chastity into our marriage is something we've only been talking about for roughly a week. It's been brought up before, but these discussions of late have been quite different. We're both ready for the next level of commitment required for something like this. The delicious ache we've felt and the space I've heard him go when we talk is all the proof I need that we both deeply want it.

    We've used open lines of communication to get through the rough patches I detailed above. I believe our relationship is on a much more positive trajectory now. I wanted to provide some insight as to why I get doubts, but I think I left this post with a little more negativity than intended. I was interested to know how trust has been impacted with the incorporation of chastity for others.

    In retrospect, this might have been better suited for a more detailed, updated journal entry! But I digress. Again. :rolleyes:

    Yes, everyone has their own unique situation, and it's hard to draw comparisons. Especially without knowing the full story. Even then, it's pretty difficult but I like to think we can all connect in some way with overlaps in life experience. Since making this thread, I've posted some previous journal entries that may help give more context about our story if you or anyone else is interested in reading them.

    It sounds like we have different situations in regards to desires for chastity, since my husband and I are both strongly interested to incorporate it into our lives. I appreciate your input on my thoughts and questions. I'm definitely on board with your statements that trust takes time to build and seconds to break... and that words can leave stubbornly persistent wounds. Couldn't agree more, actually.

    However, I must disagree that I either "trust or don't". For me, it's been inexplicably hard to describe (and frankly, understand) how the level of comfort and trust I share with him in almost every other aspect of our lives... can coexist with somewhat random pangs of insecurity and doubt that hit with this subject. That's a big reason why I wrote this. It is my reality, so I know those 'polar opposite' states can overlap. They are not mutually exclusive, at least not for me. Things are getting better on that front, in general. I think it'd be much different if we weren't close friends in addition to partners.

    I also don't view chastity as just a game, although I do agree that all participants must be on board with similar expectations in order for it to work. For us, this will be an avenue to deepen a strong mental connection that already exists in both our marriage and D/s relationship... not a toy that's tossed in the toychest for occasional use. I hope your journey with your wife (with or without chastity) goes as you wish, and that you can share what you truly desire with your partner.

    I've addressed a few things at the beginning of this reply that could also go here. Distrust and/or punishment is not why we're interested in chastity, so I hope I've cleared that up a bit.

    I understand, to the best of my ability, why it was so hard for him to come to me with those gender-based desires. We've talked at length about the reasons for his deception, and they make perfect sense. Hearing him say he had those desires actually turned me on to an enormous degree, almost instantly.

    I'm not sure I was (or am) 'hard on him'... our discussions bounced between lust for a new-found mutual kink and my frustration with the way it came to be - for several months after my discovery. Sometimes both in the same day. I've never gone out of my way to hurt him over our past. But you're right - forgiveness should soften those negative feelings and I'm trying my best to keep them in check. I don't enjoy or intend to guilt him because I know he's made progress. It's up to me to make more on my end, on a more consistent basis. This is a partnership, after all.

    Some of the volatility I felt switching between lust and anger is addressed in some of my older journal entries. I don't particularly miss the anger, but that combination in itself was... an unexpectedly delicious juxtaposition... but that's another topic entirely!

    I'm glad it's yielded some positive results for her, and that she finds comfort in that reassurance. I expect I will feel the same way when he's locked, even though I haven't had a serious concern that he'd step out on us (physically, with another person). I can't say the same for previous partners, but thankfully they are ancient history.

    First of all, it's awesome that you've been together for so long. Kudos, you don't hear about that too often it seems. I wish you both many more happy years together.

    You hit the nail on the head with the last bit about 'normal'. While that's rather subjective and impossible to truly define across the board, I agree that he had severe anxiety about acceptance... and likely still does. Fear is a huge motivator, and I know he was terrified of exposing those parts of himself, especially after he was convinced that he'd be vilified and cast out if anyone knew. I'm extremely lucky that I didn't face the same pressure growing up. It's made a bigger impact than I truly realized. I hope my vastly different experience in that respect helps soothe his insecurities - whether they exist in the past, present, or future.

    His experience actually reminded me of some not-so-lucky friends back home who struggled with their sexual orientation and gender identity for years (some of them, still do to this day). Lately, I've accepted that I'm more empathic than I previously realized and I think that characteristic greatly helped me understand (and cope with) his shame at the time. I hope it's something he never feels he must revisit, but I will be here regardless.

    Social oppression and unfair judgement is such a sad reality, no matter the geographical region. So yeah, I think cultivating acceptance would likely decrease deception and encourage many more people to be themselves. I hope society at large heads in that direction, sooner rather than later.
    Nicoftime likes this.
  6. Society has put people in roles that are not the way they feel inside. We all know it is hard to be different, and yet so many never get the chance to be
    who they feel that they should be. Letting go of our own feelings sometimes is a very hard thing to do, much less share that with anyone at all. If he told
    you how he feels you already solved one trust issue. That doesn't mean that all the feelings will go away in a snap. I found that I am better getting pleasure
    from the pleasure I can give Her. Chastity shows Her nothing is going to go any further than She wants it to. Since I accept that there is never any conflicts
    about it.

    Just this one thing effects so much in the way we communicate. She had trouble saying no after I made Her feel great, I told Her that when She really wants
    me is the best time for me me. After a while it is just a way of life. If She asks me to do something for Her there is no question or problem, I am happy that
    I can make Her feel so good.

    My point is that this is just one aspect of what I started almost 6 years ago. This has been a journey that we never expected. He needs to become happy
    with who he his to really be that person. Your there and can be the start of that acceptance and help him be who he really can be. I love to know that there is
    a place like this that accepts people were they are and don't judge. This could be the start of another journey for you two.:)
  7. I know this isn't quite in context but I do view chastity as a way to rebuild trust. At least in our context I had serious masturbation problems as you'd mentioned and would lie about it quite frequently. I was never up for sex because I was "too tired" or "not feeling sexy". No. It was because I'd blown two loads that day scrolling through tumblr.

    My girlfriend was understandably very hurt when this all came to a head. So chastity and D/s is our way of rebuilding trust, just in a different context. Now I won't masturbate largely because I can't. But also, even when my device is off, I still won't. I have a new and different form of respect for her now and she likewise has a new and different form of trust in me. Masturbation would upset that balance and shatter them. I never want that to happen and so I will never masturbate. In this way we've rebuilt trust with each other even if it is a bit partisan.
  8. Trust has to be learned and developed. If your partner feels he can be open with you, he is more likely to be honest. To me, lying is often a two-way street. (1) The person being deceived can't really handle honesty and truth -- so to avoid conflict a partner lies to get along. (2) The person deceiving another has hide damaging and destructive facts to protect the relationship.

    Lying is not an ideal, but its definitely a way of getting along.

    In reading your post, you seem both flexible and open minded. The more flexible you are, the more likely others will be honest with you. This is the single most important trait to maintaining a long term relationship.

    So, your ability to facilitate trust will enable it. That's my two cents.

    As for chastity -- a strong intimate connection can open up a powerful line of communication and understanding. This definitely aids you in building and assessing your trust level.
    Sarah8 likes this.
  9. That is profound.
  10. I wonder how exactly that happened. At what point was our expected behavior as a species confined to such a narrow (and typically unfulfilling) sliver of 'normalcy'? Things to ponder.

    You're right, many of us don't get the chance. I'm quite thankful that's not the case for myself and ultimately us. It's starting to sink in for him. He's come to me with many thoughts since that time, so I feel we're on a much better path towards openness. I think that's a big reason why I want to lock him. I am overwhelmingly pleased with the results of my discovery, despite how much it hurt at the time. I can only imagine how it felt for him, leading up to that day. That night, an honest conversation split our relationship wide open in the best way possible - and I wouldn't change our story for anything. I still have tough days where I'm my own worst enemy, but he's stayed by my side through it all and seems determined to show Me he's committed.

    I think you're right again, because this definitely feels like the start of something... deeper. Counting the days until we hear the first 'click'. :)

    I can relate - I think the ways in which we trusted and respected one another shifted after everything came to light. I knew we'd gone to some intense spaces when playing in years past, but there was always something that felt like he was holding back. I don't see that fear in his eyes, anymore. I see his love and submission. It's refreshing, to say the least.

    He has said numerous times that he wants us to go deeper into our D/s, and I feel the same. Chastity seems like it's meant to be a part of our path towards a better future. I'm glad you two have found ways to repair and strengthen your bond through D/s and trust-building exercises. Best of luck to you both!

    I'd have to agree with those insightful remarks. I've traveled down each side of that street, unfortunately. I mentioned being one's own worst enemy earlier; I think it could apply here as well. More than once, I've convinced myself that someone couldn't handle the truth - even though it turned out they could - which wound up biting me in the ass later. That's what happened in our situation (reversed), but I'm glad it ultimately resulted in positive growth for both of us.

    Flexibility is crucial, yes. We've had to adapt quite a bit with our current long distance situation. It's all been worth it. As close and intimate as we've gotten over the past year, I can only imagine what could happen when we start to sink into this lifestyle. I think it'll be another way to, as you said, facilitate and enable a deeper kind of trust.

    I'm... excited.
  11. I do not see how chastity would rebuild trust. It is like putting a bank robber in prison and then saying you trust him not to rob a bank while he is locked up. To build trust you need to have the ability to break the trust but do not do so. Wearing a chastity cage is hardly showing that you can be trusted. It actually shows that you cannot be trusted because you need to be locked up and controlled. To rebuild trust you need to gain it without any outside forces making you do so.
    GeorgeFromGreece likes this.
  12. I agree, there is no rebuilding of trust by locking it away.
    Vinny likes this.