This is a vent, a share and a seek for help. I have spoken to a few mentoring FDs and women in FLRs to help me with my sense of self during this phase. Just wanted to share for other women who may relate, for advice to receive and for myself to be heard. ~ ~ ~ Probably one of my faviourite things is conditinoing my sub, teaching him what I enjoy, what I expect and what I find attractive in him. One of my most hated things is when my sub resorts back to old conditioning from other partners before me. Yes, time and effort will bring change, but this is purely a vent about how exhausting and weakening it can feel. Conditioning is one of the most rewarding things; almost a perfectly pure gift given to a dom upon submission. As his Femdom I can see the effort and talks and hard work put in, often at my loss during his training, for the end goal of a perfectly suited man willing, able and dedicated to submitting their mind body and future to my domineering self, knowing I intend on having us both develop strength, confidence and happiness from the roles we provide for each other. BUT. I am exhausted of late. I feel like a witch. Like a nag. Like a horrible person in some cases. Cruel. The conditioning my sub has been through with some partners before me has been horrific. Manipulative and selfish to the extent of detriment to his sense of mind, body and sexuality. This to me, is wrong. I will not enable or support that sort of condition remaining in my sub, otherwise I am only perpetuating the psychological trauma they caused upon him (whether he sees it as that or not). Emotionally it really tears me apart because he's such a loving soul, and to see the damage that has been done to him has often made me cry and be overcome with anger at these POS women online and irl. But, similarly to Plato's cave analogy, it rips me up harder when he refuses to leave the comforts of the trauma and abuse because thats what he's known for far longer than me. I am aware it will take time. I am aware I have to be patient, but I also have to be confident in my ability to tell him no. To call out his selfish masterbation. To tell him some of these learned sexual behaviours and kinks disgust me. To tell him that the demasculation, the manipulation, the encouragement towards cyber sex during the disinterested phases from exes is not okay. To tell him I acually want him, not that I just want to use him. The consequences of the exposure, manipulation and unhealthy sexual development has taken away his sense of self to explore, be trusting in and able to take leaps of faith towards the unknown in many other areas of life. Which is something he is the last to deserve given his brilliant mind and attractive body. That he is worthy of a Goddess like me, but won't simply be given a Goddess like me. No I'm not giving up, and no this IS NOT a sub bashing. I expect 0 abusive or dismissive messages to be sent to my sub, or to me saying I need to just condition harder. It is a struggle breaking molds of someone else. I want him to be faithful in me, to follow my lead when I grab onto life's opportunities with both hands. Not just take the path I walk when it suits him, otherwise flying over a few areas in a helicopter which never commits to landing. I tried to rush into a lot of things as a femdom and a woman in FLR, before realising it wasnt just conditioning, it was reconditioning that needed to take place. It is one thing to teach a man who doesn't know right from wrong. It is another to teach a man that his sense of right and wrong is completely backwards. I'm finding sometimes its a mix of both, and it makes it really hard for me to find my feet and keep confident during training. Reverting back to selfish, bratty, power hungry and independent of my direction happens often. Arguably because thats what was encouraged by previous partners. I often feel gaslit and overbearing, but I will not let him do whatever the fuck he wants to while calling me his Goddess. I'm not as weak as the women before him, I will actually give him the sublife he deserves, not the bullshit that he was manipulated into. I just hope the good days become more frequent, when I can reward him rather than seethingly punishing him with my words daily and beating him in maintenance sessions which don't seem to be changing the status quo long term. Its like toilet training a puppy, except this one has been trained. Just trained to piss inside because the owners didn't give a fuck enough to take them out while they were off doing their own thing. Bad behaviours and unhealthy conditions cleaned away and ignored afterwards. Meanwhile this poor puppy doesn't know its doing wrong, and the new adoptive owner is going barking mad trying to show it not only is the behaviour wrong, but the right way to do things is completely different. The issue is making sure I don't give him away while trying my best, or making sure he doesnt resort to pissing inside regardless of the reprimanding and disappointment because its easier and more comforting than learning the new phase. Hoping we will look back in years as he is curled up in front of the fire nuzzling at my feet, and we giggle at how lost he was as a puppy before finding me, and how powerful and purposeful that responsibilty raising him up gave me. #FLR
Have learned these difficulties aren't only mine, but others in FLR too. Mildly relieving generally speaking, but thats not to say that relief gives me any more sexual satisfaction or dominance lol if anything it makes me want to move through this stage faster. I have a high sex drive, but not only for an orgasm but for intimacy with my partner. I want to see how desperate he is to grab me and throw me into the bed because he has been literally leaking and having habitual change stress from not acting like a teenager or a male without a woman to satisfy. I want to start making sure I'm crazy horny over him too. If he came around most days, I would be too sore or worn out from fucking myself to have him without prior notice. I adopted this habit when he was doing the exact same thing, and wasn't satisfying me completely with foreplay/time. I stupidly enabled rather than making him work for it. Now he is used to that much input and thinking I'm fully satisfied with the sex we have twice a week...And if I'm nagging at him to change, yet he gets to jerk off fuck me get me to dress up and still be able to not complete uncomfortable tasks.....why would he? TO BE HONEST I just need like 4 days of really good oral, fingering, sex and dedication. To show he is ready to act like a grown ass man with a grown ass woman leading him, not a little boy playing sex games with fantasy characters. And then a little dedication to use his imagination and keep track of it for me. Not cum for a few days, not be mentally gratified from porn (including reddit, twitter, insta, CM) and then realise he actually should be relying on me for that. Literally would love it if he went a month without the internet only television, because he would be seeing every day the pussy he is literally missing out on, for the sake of his dick that he's making me miss out on. :'/ Give himself a chance to change...I would have never quit smoking cigarettes if I always had packs in the house and car for when I was bored or stressed..... He has an addiciton and bad surrouding habits that developed (again, from other peoples conditioning and enabling) and its fucking hard to make him see it let alone change long term. Letting go of the security blanket and validation recieved from the enablers his sexual energy was shared with almost broke us up a few times, he is very private about it because he knows I am critical.Instead of change we have the berlin wall. Short term its all good but like realistically, I ignore videos sent to me of porn every day and people messaging me from online and irl, and I'm the dom. I made a big deal over him not being dedicated, because hes the one who wanted me. He is searching for videos of everyone but me daily, of things that I dont enjoy, and he's the sub. He asked me to lead, and demanded a femdom, yet won't have humility to admit wrong and be ashamed of not pleasing me; not realising giving me the opportunity to shame him also gives me the opportunity to praise him when he has engaged and improved. I'm not playing a game and my emotions are invested, and when he is withdrawn resistent or ignorant over being proactive, engaged and eager it makes me think why bother, I may as well just go fuck myself till he's ready to listen to the advice he asked to hear...and thats the crux of my reconditioning chapter.
I believe my goddess and a lot of women trying to achieve real flr’s have gone through or are going through exactly what you are going through now. My wife and I were together (including dating) for 10 years before I discovered chastity and asked her to lock me, that was over 5 years ago now. The reason I asked to be locked was because I could see my bad habits and behaviors getting in the way of our intimacy and connection, my constant masturbation and porn watching was ever so slowly dividing us. She didn’t really perceive what was going on because I was incredibly secretive about it, we were both busy with an infant and didn’t have much time for each other in the physical sense. But my selfishness was unintentionally distancing myself from her mentally because I was polluting my mind with unrealistic fantasy’s for the sake of a quick pathetic orgasm and a moment of stress relief. Ironically it was porn that led me to discover chastity and the many lifestyles that can it can follow. It seemed like such a great solution to my masturbation problem while bringing us closer and spicing up our intimacy in and out of the bedroom. The last part of the last sentence in regards to intimacy in the bedroom was where I went wrong. Yes, the chastity device put a stop to my masturbation, yes I wanted to serve my goddess but I was trying to do it the way I wanted to do it and was not following her cues for what she wanted. Because I thought I was more “educated” on the topic of femdom and I had done more research than her I thought I knew better. I was constantly topping from the bottom, thinking I was somehow helping while all I was doing was aggravating her and undermining her efforts. I had the idea that it was going to be the kinky sex that was going to create our overall dynamic and steer us further down the path of female domination. Just like you, she was a repulsed with some of the ideas I had and what I thought was supposed to be the norm for these types of relationships. What I didn’t understand was that femdom doesn’t necessarily need to have anything to do with sex and that’s what she had to condition and retrain me on, make me understand the depth of what we wanted to accomplish together was beyond the sex. Mistress didn’t have a lot of personal time as she was just starting to earn her MS degree so things for us felt incredibly slow going for a while, not to mention raising a child in the process. Don’t get me wrong, we had plenty of fun discovering ourselves when the time was there, trying new things but I had a lot of bad and bratty behavior that she didn’t deserve to have to put up with. It wasn’t playful behavior it was just straight up disobedience on my end. Sometimes I’m surprised I didn’t turn her off from chastity but in the end I think she understood what the long term benefits could be if she remained diligent. It literally took me the better part of 3 years of her remaining stubborn and sticking to her personal philosophies to make me really understand what my role in our dynamic truly was. What it really means to be her submissive. I was lucky to have met a lot of good people here at the mansion who also helped steer me in the right direction with words of encouragement and well rounded advice. The advice was not only chastity related but good relationship advice in general. From what I had learned I did become a better submissive, I was putting much more focus on her needs and wants but I was still missing the bigger picture. I was still too focused on trying to make her my sex toy instead of the other way around and letting our relationship evolve into whatever she wants it to be. Finally, just over two years ago in April of ‘17 I had an epiphany. I’d been in and out of my cage and a lot during the beginning of that year trying to figure out what I really wanted. Mistress didn’t like me out of my cage, she knew my bad habits but she also wanted me to make a choice. Truth is, when I’d go without my cage for a long enough period of time I found I truly missed the overall way I felt when I was wearing it how it made me feel about my goddess. I realized it wasn’t just the cage I was missing but it was the lifestyle mistress and I created, living our true roles, even with its flaws. It dawned on me how much I really love serving her and treating her like the goddess she is, I love the happiness I see in her beautiful face when she is being pampered and well taken care of. When I’ve fussed over a special dinner for her all day and I can feel her love and appreciation for my efforts. I realized I love being under her thumb because of how she makes me feel down to my core being, how deeply she’s touched my soul. Once the sex I wanted and was hoping to achieve became unimportant to me, my focus changed to making my goddess happy, our FLR dynamic really started to come together and strengthened immensely. The crux of it was that I needed to grow up, mature and stop thinking so much about myself so much. @GoddessMWilspoon you can condition your sub and punish him to try to get the results that you want, but make it clear to him not just what you want but why you want it and how his unfavorable behaviors make you feel. Just bare in mind that it’s going to have to come down to him wanting to make the changes in himself, being mature enough to serve you the way you want to be served. These learning curves can be frustrating to get through but if you really love each other and you both work at this lifestyle together you will be successful as long as your goals are aligned.
It's a process and a journey for all of us and every couple. We all have different experiences, desires, and temperaments. Throw in a mix of different kinks and fetishes and lifestyle choices and we have a really, really diverse community. But wow what a devil of a witches brew to make taste good to two people at the same time. The secret ingredient is love, thats the magic elixir that makes it sweet to drink and never boring. As long as you have a healthy pinch from both cooks in the kitchen, the end result will be sooooo satisfying.
Hope you feel better for venting also, my madam went through times like this with me, but she was the first to condition me. There were arguments and rows with us and times when she compleatly stopped play, but her hard work paid off in the end, and we’ve both where we want to be. I’m sure you will to.
It’s hard to retrain a sub, or even train one in the first instance. We are all slowly conditioned or conditioning ourselves, porn is certainly far too easy to come by (no pun intended) and far to unrealistic but we accept it is the norm. Certainly some femdom stuff has me going OMG why are you doing that lol. I know for me trying to move away from the porn idea of femdom is hard but I’m aware it’s ultimately self destructive to try to live up to those ideals the portray. Internet porn is all about the physical abuse/ pleasure of the sub and not the intimacy or pleasure of you both (with a distinct focus on your mistress), the subs pleasure should come primarily from pleasing your mistress/ goddesses )or what ever honorific) and secondary as reward for (pardon the phrase) good service lol. most males (me included) used porn that subconsciously shapes us along with poor fitting previous partners. We take take to be shaped but I hope in the end we are worth it. As for the feeling like a nag etc that may feel the case but how else can we learn (we are after all a pig headed and stubborn side of the species lol
GoddessMWilspoon, If youare not strong and do not stick to waht you say you are letting you both down. He wants to be locked and denied, you want to be his keyholder.. for both your sakes act like it. If he objects remind him who wanted it and tell him it your way only or you won't play at all.
I totally agree, if you ask for something have the balls to see it through. By not doing it is cheating not only yourself but your mistress/ partner too. Chaste/ sub is as much a mental commitment as physical (or it should be).