Question for mistresses

What is the difference between "things he would like" and "topping from the bottom"? Seems like semantics to me. It's unacceptable for the submissive to express his desires, and he should be trained to not even think of his own desires but to find fulfillment in fulfilling his wife's desires.

The submissive man has to be conditioned to serve and to receive satisfaction from providing pleasure. It is not an overnight process but it's the way it has to be. My husband struggled at first and it has taken years but now he has accepted our dynamic and finds genuine pleasure in serving my needs. Basically I have used punishment/reward to make him associate my pleasure with his pleasure, and not to think of his own desires. With patience any FLR couple can achieve this.

 

Entering into this life style intimates giving up personnel pleasure in exchange for the for seeing her fulfilled..
I think the cage distracts for awhile..

 

You should do your best to be completely open in communicating your own desires and needs to your keyholder/partner. You should hide nothing from her at all. If however you are finding that you are trying to manipulate or influence your partner into doing things for you that she is not comfortable or interested in then you are beginning to top from the bottom.

A common example of topping from the bottom might be when someone who wishes to be locked in chastity goes out of his way to be super extra nice to his keyholder in order that she develop an interest where she actually has none.

 

So perfectly and aptly put, Ma'am...thank you for that reality check for the submissive males among us (myself included)!

 

I find this idea that a submissive should not express himself (herself) to be ridiculous. For any relationship to work long term, both persons have to get their needs met, and some of their desires met, and at least a few fantasies met.

One idea is to call an occasional "timeout", when the roles are suspended, so that a frank, open, honest discussion can be had. Certainly there needs to be some give and take, when these discussions occur. Another idea is for the submissive to keep a journal, which is read from time to time by the dominant.

In a sense, the submissive should be an open book, telling all, then letting the dominant decide what will occur or not. The more information he/she has, the better will be those decisions, since the health of the relationship is largely in the hands of the dominant in a 7/24 relationship.

 

At last a response with some validity for living in the real world

So what's the score with his desire to be submissive, does that need to conditioned out of him too, then what do we have ? An empty shell !!

 

Everyone is different but I have found the best part of chastity is our open communication. I'm not real big talker, but lock my dick up for a few weeks and I'll tell her ever secret I've ever had. Which in turn makes her feel at ease with telling hers.

They may not happen, hell lots of it I don't even want to happen, but she knows what trips my trigger and she can do whatever she wants with that knowledge. Information can never be a bad idea.

If I pestered her about actually doing those things, that would be a no no.

I am not a kh, but think being able to discuss wants, needs, and desires is important. Just like praying...you can ask, sometimes the answer is no.

 

what a GODDESS )))))))))))))))))))))____________________________

 

point taken,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

 

Really !! I think most on here who are living the life style 24/7 would seriously disagree with that....Although im sure there are just as many who fantasise about the life style will agree and probably even "Like it" having never actually experienced it in real life!!!

 

Agree,,,,,,,,

 

For those who manage to achieve it however, it is a very very satisfying point to achieve in a relationship and I can thoroughly recommend it if you can make it work

 

I respect others opinions above, every relationship is different.

As a dominant woman I am responsible for my husband's needs. Not tolerating topping from the bottom doesn't mean that I don't take into account his wants and desires, it just means that I decide how and when those wants and desires are met, as opposed to him nagging me or trying to determine exactly how I manage his desires.

Perhaps I was not clear in my earlier post, I was not implying that I am oblivious to my husband's needs or that he isn't allowed to communicate his likes and dislikes in general terms, just that once you allow specific requests you go into topping from the bottom territory.

And you absolutely can recondition a man's mind from a self-centered mindset (typical male) to one focused on his dominant wife: taking pleasure in meeting her needs, earning rewards, etc.

 

As others have said you need to be as open as possible about what you like. Maybe find some pics or videos to help give her some ideas of what you like. Other than that it's hit and miss and you'll have to find what works best for the two of you. Others on here are very lucky and their partners seem to be very open to trying new and kinky things. That being said you must also be patient with your partner and give her time to grow into her role as the dominant. We're 18 months into practicing chastity and my mistress is having a lot of fun. It's been slow going for me at most times as I am the one with the dirtier mind. But little by little she changes everyday and surprises me in little ways.

 

But you can't do the reward part of punishment/reward if you don't know what he would like.

P.S. I just saw the subsequent post, which makes my comment above unnecessary.

 

I basically share with my wife what things I like and what turns me on. I make no demand that she has to do those things. I share them with her after a session, or just when we are in the mood. Not right before or during a session. During session I just let her decide completely.

When I know that a fantasy might be a challenge for her, or a dream as a matter of fact, I share it as this: Honey, I have a fantasy, may I share it with you? if answer is yes, than I say: "This is only a fantasy and it doesn't have to happen." and than I go on explaining my fantasy.

It also helps to understand what feelings you are looking for during a certain fantasy. That way other ways can accommodate the certain need.

I have also learned to listen to her needs and fantasies in a same way. Some of them are not sexual, but can feel challenging, especially if they are very expensive or life changing.

I heard that couples that are most sexually satisfied, have the most communication.

Good luck

 

My husband/sub and I have a written contract stating hard and soft limits, and we have a list of things we like added. I know what my husband likes, and I indulge that when I feel like it. When I do not, he does not get it and he never knows what I will do next.
If he nags about wanting a certain thing, he gets punished so he does not do it again. If he keeps going on after that, it's off the table completely so he knows not to push me too much.
It's a simple system and works well for us.

 

Just curious what kind of punishment do you do.

 

I agree with keysafe, madam and I have used timeouts with great effect when we first started our bdsm/flr, what madam did was to allow 3 a week so I had the option to get my views across, but not be taking over all the time.

 

Requests and ideas or plans are always welcome to be shared or suggested I encourage . However, I always will have the final say and take the decision

 

My wife wants me to give her ideas. She, by her own admission, isn’t that creative.

So she takes what I give her and uses it, not uses it or modifies it.