My Hands Free Journal

Sitting in a neighborhood bar with Mistress, packed due to Father's Day, when a beefy, football playing looking guy gives me a fist bump on the shoulder, and as he passes says, "Happy Pride." He didn't stick around for a conversation, so I suppose he was keeping a low profile with his sports bros. When I told Mistress what happened, she laughed and said that with my wearing earrings and nail polish. I was not exactly low key. "He clocked you, princess," she said. "You have been outed here." I guess she's right. Funny thing is, since it's my local, being clocked as queer is ok with me.
MissCarly curtseys and exits her journal.

 

Very true. I adore her.

 

Two quick things about the attached photos. First is a package of Cracker Jill. I'm not kidding. It's a real, thing, well timed for the recent inclusion discussion.
Second is me at a gay bar, showing off my barely visible earrings, polished nails and wearing my new pearl necklace. Fashion foreward.
MissCarly curtseys and exits her journal.

 

Tonight Mistress decided to tease me, saying that I don't so much have a penis as I have a skin tag over my balls. Obviously that stung. To make her point, she had me put on my p.a. id tag, with the attached rings, to show anyone who reads this how useless my clitty is. She has told me I have to wear these rings for the next 6 months. She wants me to say to all who read this, "I can't get hard, or even stiff. I can't orgasm or even leak. As a man, I am sexually worthless. I am not so much a husband to her (the male implication is, at best, inaccurate) as I am her gender queer partner. I have been feminized to the point of being androgynous (my boy bits having become a useless appendage). For this reason, I am now comfortable using the pronouns, "she" and "her", as I can't honestly self-identify as masculine.
MissCarly curtseys and exits her journal.

 

This morning, Mistress was sitting on her bed, and had me stand in front of her. She was contemplating my clitty with it's 3 rings and disk with my name cut into it. She remarked that it isn't very feminine, but she likes how it looks and that it is a constant reminder of my being her property, her slave. She stroked me with the tips of her fingers, getting a minimal reaction from my clitty. Her reaction, however, was a low chuckling, enjoying my predicament. "Still impotent," she said, as though assessing a biology experiment. She took hold of the chain and slowly pulled, stretching out first my chain and then my clitty, and said that it is the perfect symbol of my submissiveness to her. She gave the chain a few tugs to make her point. Hard to disagree under those circumstances. She let go of the disk, letting it drop between my legs. Without warning she suddenly grabbed my balls, squeezing them. I went weak in the knees and reflexively moved to cover them with my hands. She told me "Hands down, princess". Reluctantly, I obeyed. She gave me another squeeze to put me in my place. She told me to bring her her strap-on and the bottle of lube. Once I had done this she told me to "get on the bed, ass in the air." Mistress had me ask for it, then beg for it. Eventually I felt the lube coated toy slip slowly inside me. As she stroked I could feel my chain swing back and forth between my legs. She said, "Feeling any pride now, princess? Want to march in a parade?" While she spoke she spanked me hard. I said no, I didn't feel any pride. She said that I should be proud that I was her fem queer. So she spanked me harder, because I had given the wrong answer. I appologized and said that I am proud to be Mistress' queer princess. Mistress finally pulled out of me. Not once did my clitty get anywhere near stiff while she fucked me. She made a casual remark that she might buy a leash to go with the chain. MissCarly curtseys and exits her journal.
P.S. I have found that bloomers are very comfortable while wearing my p.a. chain. It is an added bonus that Mistress likes the look.

 

Mistress (temporarily) took off my p.a. chain to see the difference in fit between my 2 1/4" Jailbird and my 1 1/2" Jailbird. To be fair, there was no stretching or teasing to make me any larger, fit in any better. I did have to do a little hair trimming after some discomfort. Mistress said a bucketful of viagra couldn't get me hard. Ha ha. I was amazed to see how much room was in the larger cage and that there was even some room in the smaller cage. She does delight in pointing out how much I've shrunk. She also delights in having me put that information here, in what she calls my "Princess Diary," to embarrass myself.
Later, she has told me she had decided that I will wear the micro "innie"cage overnight and for the rest of the week. After that I will resume wearing my p.a. rings. She said that she likes seeing my clitty disappear behind bars, my shaft, such as it is, forced inside my body, further feminizing me. She said it is the next best thing to bottom surgery. Gulp. Before going to bed, Mistress played with my balls to "watch your frustration when you feel yourself unable to get hard. So cute."
Even Later: Arrgh. I can't stand having had my clitty figuratively amputated. Mistress played with my balls just to make me squirm from this different, very intense, form of denial. She said she will permit me to cry if it will make me feel better. She said she understands if her baby girl gets emotional. "After all, princess, it's not like you're a real man anymore. Go ahead and cry."
She told me she wanted to give me a blow job, but she couldn't because I don't have a penis anymore. She waved her hand above my balls. "See," she said. "Nothing there. No dick. No pussy either. I think you currently qualify as being intersex." I think she put me in the "innie" just so she could say her little joke.
She walked into my bedroom and took out my new (5 1/2" X 1 1/4") dildo. She tossed it on the bed and told me to go fuck myself, and she was being literal. I thoroughly lubed it, lay down on my side, and began to probe for my opening. This gift was totally unexpected. Unfortunately surprise didn't do anything to arouse my lust. Being locked in the Innie didn't help me either. To put it another way, I didn't get hard. I didn't even get partially hard, no discomfort from pushing against the cage bars. Mistress said the sound of gas escaping from my ass was ceasing to be funny, and I should remove the dildo and clean it and myself. My ass does feel more open, as though I could easily take the larger toy. My little semi private sex show seemed to have relaxed me, but left me wanting more. I guess I have become the anal slut Mistress predicted.
MissCarly curtseys and exits her journal.

 

Bobber, on behalf of my near nonexistant clitty, thank you. I get the feeling I'll be wearing the innie for the foreseable future. Mistress is just giving off that vibe, but she is unpredictable. I'm actually surprised you said it looks perfect on me. Possibly due to my mini clitty, possibly that my clitty is best hidden away from human sight? Or maybe that I am better off with the effective removal of the most prominant male sex charactistic. I think that's a long way of saying that being made more physically feminine is right for me? Please tell me why. My shrinking ego would like to know.

 

I have to agree with you. We have changed ourselves, transforming our "manhood" into something else. And you're right, tiny cages do fit me, and that is the result of prolonged effort and dedication. My tiny clitty is something I forgot to be proud of. Thanks for the reminder.

 

Sitting in my bedroom, thinking about my clitty. I was watching a porn earlier (at Mistress' command) and was struck by how proud the actors seemed to be of their manly equipment. I, however, have a very small penis which no longer interferes with the important things in my life. My wife is pleased with the ongoing transformation, the shrinkage of that annoying appendage, and the changes I am experiencing as a result. Chief among them is Mistress' pet project, the continuing feminization, or more precisely her demasculinizing (there I've created a new word) of me.
Mistress has decided that my cage will come off for inspection, cleaning, and shaving this Saturday. I am curious if my little lady will have been affected by this weeklong confinement.
MissCarly curtseys and exits her journal.

 

Mistress came to me this morning after having read my recent posts. She told me she got a laugh that I referred to my clitty as, my "little lady", and that she is going to use it, and maybe , "LL", as a private code/joke between us. I am happy to have pleased her. She then said that the little lady's pronouns are, of course, "she" and "her".
MissCarly curtseys and exits her journal.

 

Sitting next to me on the couch, Mistress in a summery dress, me naked except for my cage (stays on until Saturday) were watching the news. Mistress began to idlly stroke my balls. I did my best to hold still, as she prefers. "Where's your little lady, Princess? Doesn't she want to come out to play?" The question was rhetorical, so I kept quiet, concentrating on the feel of her rose painted nails gently scratching my scrotum. I was aware that there was a slight pressure behind the cage bars and even inside me where my shaft currently resides. She said that maybe, when the cage comes off, most of her will remain inside me. I doubt that is possible, but it gave me something to think about. I could see that Mistress found the idea appealing. Mistress rubbed my clitty lips through the cage bars, the sensation almost painful. I saw Mistress give a slight smile. She knew the affect her touch was having. She cupped my scrotum and slowly began to squeeze, looking at my face as she tightened her grip. Soon she had me taking slow deep breaths, trying to hold still. I knew that Mistress would never damage me, so all I had to do was remain still and endure. My being submissive to her was expected to be total and without hesitation. This is something recent she does to entertain herself. I find myself appreciating even that attention, proving, I suppose, that basically I am a true submissive. Once she was satisfied with squeezing me, she dropped a pillow on the floor in front of her. Without a word she took off her dress and slid down on couch. Knowing what was expected of me, I knelt on the cushion and buried my head between her legs.
On a different topic, Mistress just told me to put on my AA cup bra. Normally I would just hook it in front and then slide it around, cups forward. Today I couldn't, possibly due to sticky skin, or maybe even weight gain, which I would prefer not to contemplate. . Determined not to disapppoint Mistress, I fumbled until, for the first time ever, I fastened all 3 hooks on a bra by reaching behind me!!! I can't explain the sense of accomplishment it gave me. God, I'm starting to think/react like a girl!
Sitting here, pleased with myself, Mistress just told me to get dressed and go to the convenience store. And to "leave the bra on, Princess." More when i get back.
I was on alert for any stray looks, but I should have realized that it just looked like I have a well developed chest, if they noticed anything at all. When anyone in the store got too close I reflexively covered my chest by holding my purchases close to me, or some other equally smooth move. I was reacting like a virgin at her first toga party. At least I didn't blush or giggle.
MissCarly curtseys and exits jer journal.

 

Mistress told me she had recently spoken to her sister about me. Background: Her sister knows how we live, has not only seen me naked but has, at Mistress' invitation, pegged me as a way to strip me of male pride. We don't particularly like each other. Ok, so on with the purpose of this entry. Her sister, whom I'm calling Callie here, had this to say about labeling me. I am, of course, paraphrasing.
1. I don't want to be a woman, therefore I'm not trans.
2. I am attracted to men as well as women, therefore I'm not gay.
3. I sometimes dress in feminine clothes, but I'm not trying to pass as a woman. Therefore I'm not a crossdresser.
4. I can't use my penis for sex (too small for providing pleasure), and besides, apart from health needs, it's loked 24/7, and lately (pre innie cage) I seemed to have transitioned to being impotent..
5. So I check off the Intersex box, except that I was born a regular cis gendered male. My issues appeared over time, and are not physical.
So, their conclusion after the home psychology nonsense is: I am, as Mistress said more than once, GenderQueer, meaning I am not fully comfortable identifying as a cis male, a homosexual, or as a transitioning female. I have agreed with Mistress that I do feel comfortable with the feminine pronouns "she" and "her" as that is more indicative of where I'm at/going.
So much for this episode of Things I Already Effing Knew.
Miss Carly curtseys and exits her journal.

 

Mistress had me sleep in my AA cup bra, but it's coming off, naturally, for my shower. My cage, also naturally, stays on. Were I to grow boobs, I could be content with an AA cup. Feminine but demure. Just a thought. Mistress told me I'm to wear the bra today under a loose tee shirt. The idea is to get me used to being among our neighbors with my fem secret undiscovered. Sort of a confidence booster. On a related topic, She told me a pull over the head style bra with C cup inserts will be delivered sometime tonight. She said that after careful consideration, the C cup should be my perfect size, while the D cup is too busty for me. "Good thing I'm not transitioning," I said to Mistress. "HRT would probably bless me with DD boobsI." She got a good laugh and said with a wicked smile, "It's just a few short months until your birthday, Princess. It might be interesting, you all boobed out in a bar, wearing make up, and a wig, trying to hold onto some dignity while a roomful of guys are lusting after you, fantasizing about you sucking their cocks, you praying somebody would please clock you, avoiding the very real possibility of a gang bang." That's pretty close to what she said. Picture evil enjoyment as she suggested the possibility of my violation by drunken strangers.
Nah, she wouldn't.
Nervously, Miss Carly curtseys and exits her journal.
P.S. for some reason I am unaware of, Mistress locked my steel slave collar around my neck. She attached an i.d. tag to it.
Front side just says "CARLY".
The reverse says "GenderQueer"
"Gurl in Chastity"
" Since 2009"
My best guess is she's deciding if she wants it to be my everyday wear. One more thing I can do without. Besides, it's too hot outside to have a steel collar locked around my neck!
I'm just glad we have air conditioning.

 

Good point. Sometimes however, she just likes messing with me, placing me in embarrassing circumstances. Maybe we'll compromise and leave the name tag disk at home.
The C cup bra arrived already. Picture 1 is me in the A cup, picture 2 is me in the C cup. The difference is not as pronounced as I had expected. I don't have a preference, I just am happy wearing tits. It's oddly satisfying and empoweriing yet also opens feelings of vulnerability, too. I am curious as to which she will have me wear on my next solo jaunt. Last I heard it is going to be the D cup bra. Looking forward to it, whichever size boobs she chooses to send me out in. I love all my boobies, they have become, as much as is possible, a part of me.
Miss Carly curtseys to Bobber123, feeling coquettish, and exits her journal, wearing her new titties.

 

This morning, first thing after my shower, Mistress told me to put on my A cup bra. I noticed how the boobs feel that they ride a little high on my chest, as though held firmly by a support bra. No sagging for this girl! Mistress told me they don't come off until my evening shower. She said that I wrote that I love wearing boobs, so this is a gift from her. The weather is warm enough that going out with even a light jacket to hide my girls from nosy neighbors is impractical. I hope Mistress will allow me some privacy.
My schedule for today includes: clean the bathrooms, dust the house, put away Her/my laundry, wash the dishes, touch up my nail polish, and in a rare scheduled activity, put on the strap on harness to service Mistress with the large dildo. That should keep me busy today.
Mistress just told me she is going to order some earrings for me. She said that she wants me to help her choose what to buy. "Some bonding, just us girls. Me and my sissy." Inwardly I squirmed, as she intended. She patted the couch, indicating that I should sit next to her. Off to the world of earring shopping. The attached pictures remind me of my homelife...especially the last one of me.
Miss Carly curtseys and exits her journal.

 

Later: we chose/ordered the following for me,: a multicolored butterfly, an lgbtq rainbow cuff, and a silver erect penis, which was Mistress' enthusiastc choice. Yes, she assured me, I will be wearing the cock earrings in public. She also said that cosidering that I have a tiny, limp clitty, I could be accused of false advertising. (To be clear, they all come in sets of 2,)
Afterwards, Mistress told me, with no preamble, to put on my lip gloss, and also apply it to my nipples. I was surprised, and did as she told me. I have gotten used to Mistress' sudden whims, and to obey without comment or question. Mistress had me put on a skirt, and my pink leather collar to match my lip gloss. Mistress had me fetch a wooden spoon from the kitchen. She then told me to lay across her lap. She told me to pull up my skirt, chiding me that I know what is required of me. Once my skirt was raised, Mistress proceded to spank my bare ass, some soft, some hard. I never knew which was coming next. Finally, Mistress put down the spoon and told me to put on my strapon harness and wait for her in her bedroom, sitting on the hard wood floor. I would have preferred sitting on a cushion. When Mistress came in I had to tell her that the harness didn't sit right with me wearing the innie cage, that it might hurt me. She inspected it and agreed. She said something like, "Since your cage isn't coming off until tomorrow, I'm going to have you lick me instead. But first, give me the harness. There's no need to let it go to waste." She found a good use for it. I knew sitting would be uncomfortable for the rest of the evening. When she was done, Mistress had me lay next to her on the bed, with my head by her pussy. She ordered me, "No touching." I then had to watch her masturbate, very aware of my clitty locked away in the innie. It was only then that I was told to put my tongue to work.
Miss Carly curtseys and exits her journal.

 

Right on midnight Mistress told me it was time to release my clitty, and do the necessary inspection, shaving and shower. My clitty had turtled considerably, but she slowly came out of hiding. As soon as I had dried myself, Mistress told me she was going to lock my little lady for 2 weeks this time, without an unlocking, but will check the lock's operation at the one week mark. With trial and error, Mistress changed my base ring to the smallest I can wear without cutting off circulation to my scrotum, and dispensed with the suppport strap. She said that without the strap holding the base ring tight to my body, my clitty would hang down between my legs like it is supposed to, so I wouldn't have to point it down while peeing. She wants to make sure I won't slip out of it, like what happened with the jailbird, and why the support strap was added to my wardrobe. She wants me to "pee like a woman, hands free, without worrying if imy cage will fall into the toilet. Imagine explaining that blockage to the plumber! Right now I'm half way there because if I try to pee standing up the urine can shoot off i any direction, making a mess. So unless a bar has a urinal I can get close to, I can either sit on their bowl (ick!) or choose the bar very carefully before having a pint. Or just give up going to bars. Mistress permits me to pee standing up when out, if needed. The lock was a little stiff to open, so I gave it a coating of lube and it now works fine. If anyone is interesred, it's a Burg Wachter lock. I attached some photos, taken because I didn't know the extent of any turtling. A photo documentary of a penis. I am excited to go for the two weeks Mistress has assigned,. We are both hoping to have a permanent result, eventually.
Miss Carly curtseys and exits her journal.

 

Update: Turns out the cage needed the support strap, probably because my clitty was too small and too soft to support iit without assistance. So back to a strap, but I bought a new one, with some adjustability a little while ago. I couldn't length it enough, so it's back to square one reurinating, except in stead of being pink, this has the Pride flag colors. Mistress loves it. I have attached a photo of me modeling it. Obviously, I can't support myself...lol.
Miss Carly curtseys and exits her journal.

 

Mistress told me to switch back to the pink strap, as the rainbow looked like the metal slides might rust. She promised to buy a rainbow belt for me. "You'll be the sharpest dressed queer in the neighborhood, a regularHomo Brummel.". I am convinced she wants to out me to our neighbors. She continues to surprise me. She took off my cage and sent me to a local bar to relax. My clitty seems lost in my panties. She makes me nervous. Am I going to be ambushed by the "Let' Out a Complete Stranger Club" I wonder if she has anything planned when I get home.
Miss Carly curtseys and exits het journal.

 

I went to a bar tonight per Mistress' command, and had a problem peeing while caged. When i got home and told Mistress, she told me, " Tough shit, Princess. You either learn to pee while locked or wear a diaper. There is no third choice for you."
Last night, Mistress let me sleep uncaged, and found that my cliutty had not come out. She said that it shows that we might succeed in permanenently shrinking my clitty. On that subject, Mistress told me that our initial goal is to shrink my clittty to half an inch. I asked Mistress if ihat was soft or hard. Mistress answered, chuckling," Honey, hard is no longer in your vocabulary."
Miss Carly curtseys and exits her journal.

 

Monday:
This morning, right after my shower, Mistress had me measure my clitty. It was a hot shower, so there was no chance of cold water shrinkage. It measured 1.5". Mistress looked at the results and said, " We can do better." She then told me that I am to measure myself once per month before showering, having been unlocked the previous night, as I was last night. She said that when I get down to 1", she will give me a bj. When I make 1/2", I can attempt PIV with her. The final goal is to be flush to my body, She hasn't decided how we'll celebrate that milestone.
We went to breakfast today, and when I went to the men's room, i wasn't able to pee out more than a dribble. Back home Mistress unlocked me and observed me peeing a healthy stream. She said I should not have a problem peeing while caged, so as a test she would lock me in before going to bed, and unlock me in the morning. To maintain some kind of continuity, in the morning she would put me in tight pantys, and see what happened.
Tuesday:
Mistress had me wear the tight pantys today, and a quick check around 7pm showed my clitty measuring 1.25" yes, compression was probably a factor, but I'd like to think that we're getting there. 1/4" away from a bj, providing the shrinkage remains consistant. Mistress noted that it wasn't likely that my clitty would remain that short given time to emerge from it's sheath. I have just been summoned tor lock up in the innie.
Miss Carly curtseys and exits her journal.