Is being a keyholder a lot of work?

From reading a lot here and elsewhere early on, I recognized how important patience and moving slowly was. When I asked my vanilla wife to be my KH, I told her that my sincere intent was for it to be a minimal request on her. I asked her to keep the key, to decide when to unlock me, and whether I could have an orgasm. Other than that, I said everything could remain exactly the way it was: frequency of sex, what we did during sex, etc. No extra time, no extra effort, no other changes in our patterns or preferred activities.

Of course, I hope that things will go further (and after a couple of months I'm seeing small signs that they are), but my intent and personal effort is to let that be completely up to her, at her own pace. I did offer her a book to read if she wanted to learn more, but it was up to her whether she read it. I do offer her much more personal attention (foot and back rubs, more weeknight and morning sex *for her*), but it's up to her whether she accepts the offers, and I try hard not to push.

Of course, I don't always execute perfectly -- sometimes I'm a bit pushy about having more cuddling and sexytime. And I certainly wish that she would tease me more -- but I try hard, mostly successfully, to keep that to myself. Early on she wanted me to orgasm every week and the first two times I said "are you sure?" or "do I have to?". But she scolded me, reminding me that I said it was up to her and if I wanted her to do this, I had to simply obey. And I've mostly quelled that urge now (and she has started denying me more).

So, short answer to OP's question: it doesn't *have* to be a lot of work for KH, if you strictly limit what you ask of him or her and let KH set the pace for what happens. There is *some* work -- especially in the headspace (with emotional effort) as KH adapts to your kink. But if you work hard to live up to your commitment to ask the bare minimum, KH can learn that effort and time is not the main challenge.

 

This is basically how I ended up in permanent (well, open ended) chastity.

My wife likes me chaste, but finds all the lock/unlock decisions irritating because (1) they often come at times when she's not in a sex head space, (2) she doesn't want to revisit the responsibility - is it OK to wear for this meeting, that activity? and (3) in an ideal world I'd just stay locked.

The best half way house is to shift the keyholding to a timesafe like the good old Ksafe. You can then take a "Common, let's just try it for 48 hours why don't I set the time?" approach. Once you've shown it's all practical and no extra work for her, she may take to setting the timer.

 

I’m there now. It doesn’t sound like much when you put it in words but in our mind it’s “I have to send a text. What should I say? Is it enough? Is what I’m saying doing anything to him or is it boring?” It feels like a lot of pressure because then you need to come up with something else to say later which is especially difficult for someone not used to talking dirty or describing kinky thoughts.

Speaking for me- I then feel I need to play it up more when I get home at the end of the day otherwise I’m a letdown. So it’s not just a few comments here and there for us when we are starting out.

 

Hi I myself have only just started taking the roll of key holder.. it’s Exciting but also it’s the unknown are you doing the right things. Is he really enjoying it. I my self are going though the motions trying to get my footing. So thank you for you comment . I’m only looking for advice and a good chance to chat. So any feed back you can give me from a mans point of view would help me evolve into an exciting lover

 

I’ve discovered that anything I do is a lot. It’s very empowering.