How to influence my KH to lock me for longer

You need to have a long talk with her, be open and explain all the things you have written here. Simple but hard

 

Communication is key. You say she has a low sex drive but dresses sexily and that she never initiates sex. I suggest you explore with her what she likes about looking sexy. Sounds as if she likes to tease you, which is a great basis for keeping you in chastity. Tell her that you would like to masturbate less, you don't need to tell her how often you actually do it, and that you would like her help to stop masturbating.
Assure her the cage does not hurt or is uncomfortable. And don't ask when she is going to release you.

 

Totally agree.

 

I agree with what the others have said above, but I will make an additional suggestion. We have a safe with a slot in the top, so that I can lock myself up and drop the key in the slot. Of course my wife closely guards the combination.

Something like that might be useful in your case. If your GF is in the house, you could lock yourself and not tell her. If she does not notice, then she might be happy that no on else will either. If you lock yourself when she is not there I suggest you should make sure you can contact her to get the safe combination in an emergency.

If you lock yourself a few times she might consider that you brought it upon yourself and releasing you will drop down her list of priorities. Eventually she might conclude that there is no need to unlock you until she wants to play. I wish you luck.

 

If you want it to work, you need to be honest, this includes masturbation and marrige in general. I have been married for 20+ years, things moved in a better direction when I started being honest about everyting.

 

Communication and as soon as you have cleaned up after sex, lock up and hand her the keys.

 

I’d have her read this…
https://happy-marriage.neocities.org/when

Good primer on chastity and the benefits etc. explained from the female perspective. Goes into the “why does a man want this” with her insights and I know many of us have had our wives/keyholders read through this and come out with a much better understanding and renewed vigor about locking and denying, and mainly NOT feeling guilty about saying no.

 

Agree 3 months MAY seem extreme, but this is also AFTER getting a break in period done and having a cage that fits well and causes no discomfort. At the end of the day, true chastity in this context is the giving up of the control to the keyholder… their word is absolute and their decision is absolute, save for medical issues or things of that nature.

Think about the “why do I want/crave/desire chastity” question… I can tell you from doing this for a while now that, yes, I miss being able to orgasm whenever I want, but the euphoria from the “high” you have all the time from denial and the feeling of pleasuring your keyholder (in my case my wife) is much greater than the feeling of a single orgasm.

Some think this leads to less sex, locking up… but, once the woman accepts that it’s ok to say no, and not feel guilty about denial, her mood usually shifts as the pressure is off and you’ll end up having more sex and a much deeper bond with your partner (I’m speaking on a non BDSM level here to a degree). That intimacy is what we all crave but often don’t know how to articulate, and that’s definitely what women are usually wanting and yearning for out of the relationship.

3 months is a long time…I’m currently 90 days in since my last orgasm, and I have days I want to climb the walls, but when we have sex, like last night, it’s pure bliss, amazing, and I have the thoughts of never wanting to cum again… buzzard paradox for sure. I remember my last O and it was amazing, and I savor the memory, but I have the last 90 days of teasing, denial, and a delicious euphoria that goes along with it, not to mention a VERY happy partner, and that’s much more satisfying than 10 seconds of an orgasm.

The thought of never knowing now is also a “high”, as she won’t say when or if I’ll get to have a full orgasm again…likely not till the end of the year at least. The constant ache of denial fuels my passion toward her and focuses the pleasure for her, she enjoys it, embraces it and thus that fuels her desire to keep the denial going because of the benefit received. Happy wife, happy life.

We have sex more often than we ever did before chastity, and I’m still allowed PIV often but I don’t get to cum… try it, you’ll be amazed at the change in the relationship dynamic, and if you decide it’s not for y’all then it’s only 90 days of a great experiment.

 

Rather than risking talking it to death, or making it about you, you could buy a ksafe timer safe off Amazon.

That way she can put the key in and set a time upfront, and even increase the time on the spur of the moment.

This has two advantages.

First, no emotional labour for her.

Second, setting the time becomes a sexy thing in its own right.

 

I found that reading about how men felt it benefitted them - more energy, increased concentration, etc. made me want to try it. I could care less about his masterbation habits, but as a wife I was interested in seeing if it would make him healthier and happier (and more likely to do chores!). I still don’t really understand the attraction of it for men, but we communicate a lot and he says he enjoys it and wants to keep doing it, so we do - I like the benefits!

 

Perhaps you could start by trying not masturbating and watching porn daily - test the water, so to speak? I know that I have to work hard on this to have any ability to do chastity without an uncontrollable urge to escape.

If you find that you can't stop either (or both) then is it possible you're looking to chastity to try fix a deeper problem with your porn and masturbation frequency?

 

For her, feeling guilty and not wanting to hurt you, all are normal reactions when starting chastity.

Actually, she is doing very well. She may not be enthused, but she did some reading that you suggested. That’s a great start.

Don’t try to sell chastity based on the supposed benefits. She will wonder why you can’t do all those great things without chastity. It’s tough to explain your way out of that trap.

Just give her time to get used to it. It may take months or a year. Just go with the flow. Over time, she will like you being desperate for her. She may notice the extra attention and things you do around the house. It may become the new normal. Above all, don’t make every conversation about chastity or how horny you are. Big turn-off.

If she wants sex, do it. If you want her to make decisions, trust and oblige the decisions she makes.

You have a good start, relax and have fun.

 

She sounds like she’s pretty tuned into you and wants to make you happy. You could just open up to her about your “secret desires” - pick a time when you’re feeling close to each other - after watching a rom com or cuddling in bed. Sharing fantasies is very intimate and saying something like, “you know I’ve always had a secret fantasy that someone would lock me up and deny me any orgasms except for under her command. The idea of someone else having control of my orgasm is so hot, I’m not sure why, but it is. Do you have any secret fantasies?” The key is to pick a time when you’re feeling close to each other. She’ll pick up on what you said even if she doesn’t acknowledge it and will have it in the back of her mind next time you play with the cage. Since she wants to please you she’ll likely try it. The key is to make sure she knows how happy you are to be caged and denied - that you love the feeling of being turned on all the time, etc.

 

I think this approach covers all the bases. It worker for me and we are intimate more than ever in our 44 years of mattiage. I now go a month or more between releases but do so because the intimacy is so fantastic for both of us. But the cage is just one piece of the puzzle. You have to do the work to become really emotionally intimate too.

That article helps explain to a woman how different a man's sex drive is and how difficult it is to not slip back into "self pleasure". My wife understood when i mentioned cookies; if they are in the house, she can't resist having 2-3 a day. Orgasms for a guy are like the most amazing cookies he's ever eaten. He might be able to go 2-3 days resisting them if he is super motivated, but they are always right there in front of him; he can't throw them in the trash and be done with them. And when he gives in and eats just one, it's hard to not go back and have another one.

 

Well, there are no guarantees. However, if she likes having you locked then it creates a slippery slope.

Those four or five days will be free of emotional labour because she can't release you. (Yes, I know you should have an emergency key, but that's in a sealed envelope.) She won't be thinking about whether it's too long and second guessing you or feeling vaguely guilty. Also, putting your key in a timer safe is a very tangible commitment from you. It changes the whole focus from "when" to "can't", so you can complain without it being taken as a hint. She's even allowed to feel sorry for you!

All this makes keeping you locked easy, so over time it will be a natural to keep you locked longer or to postpone the fuss of unlocking by simply increasing the time.

And this makes the act of setting the timer becomes a real thing, making it hot or amusing. It's different from her verbally setting period because it's a done deal, and again, no emotional labour.

There's also an option for later: set a 2-3 day period then remove the batteries. When the batteries go in, the count restarts. So now unlocking involves a positive decision and a cool down period.

 

Have you had HER read the blog? If not start there. Women need to understand the turn on for the male in the scenario. Now at the end of the day if you’re giving her total control and she only wants a week then it is what it is… the question then become why is that? Is it that she always wants you out for PIV or is it still some guilt about you not getting yours? If it’s the former, she can still deny you orgasm with PIV, if the latter, she needs to get over that guilt and reset her thinking that it’s “all about the male orgasm” which is frankly how most folks are indoctrinated about sex in general - again not for all but mostly.

Women are generally different than men in this regard because most of the time the goal is the man finishing, and when the man cums “it’s over” so to speak. Keeping you at a simmer, hard, eager, and ready will make you crave pleasuring her, and she needs to know that, and embrace it. Many women, especially those raised very vanilla and new to chastity lifestyle have a hard time with all this initially. My wife was no exception and now she’s very strict with “her” cock (no longer mine to control), does like PIV and does enjoy letting me out for it, but she also enjoys the strapon I wear most of the time and/or my tongue. She’ll imitate some role reversal with pegging and even some light bondage now - stuff she would have never done early on in our relationship.

None of those things would have been possible without open communication and helping educate about the psychological and emotional (and physical) benefits of any/all of the above.

To the initial question on how to get her to lock up for 90… do 30 for the first run. Most would agree to a “trial” run of 30 days, but make sure you express the desire that she be strict in this regards. Keep in mind whether doing 30 or 90 days, your device comes into play from a care and hygiene perspective and likely will need to be unlocked for deep cleaning etc. once a week at minimum. Make that a ritual in the shower she unlocks it and either supervises or helps you wash up/dry off and re-lock (unless she wants to tease/play - again her prerogative). Most of this is from my experience and having been there done that as it were… happy to answer anything you want to know, and I’m sure others that have been doing this a while like me would have similar and other good suggestions.

 

With all due respect @Sun Sea & Chastity, you have a masturbation problem and you need to confront it. As you state in that last quote, "I enjoy masturbation and I have no strong wish to give it up" and you masturbate "almost every day while watching porn" every time you get a chance when your GF leaves the house. And whether you'll admit it or not, it's affecting your sex life -- you claim you have "retarded ejaculation" and can't/don't orgasm through real sex, but finish sex with your GF by masturbating.

You also know and admit that it affects your relationship, that you "have better quality sex" after you've been locked and not masturbating and that she notices how your "behaviour improves while [you're] locked" and not masturbating. You admit that when you don't masturbate your "sexual desire turns instead towards my girlfriend" and that this "demonstrates a significant benefit of chastity for our relationship."

You're also rationalizing this. You know all this, but state you're afraid to talk to her about it. What does that say about your relationship? "She doesn't know that I masturbate" and you are concerned it would be bad for your relationship ("I would have revealed to her a negative secret," "very apprehensive," "seems risky"). But it's bad for your relationship already -- as you admit, your sex life is subpar when you are masturbating. Women know men masturbate and they're not thrilled about it. Tell her about your problem, tell her you think you would be a better boyfriend if you stopped or at least masturbated less. Ask for her help, for her to help you be a better man. If she loves you, she will, and if she leaves you because you are a masturbator and have been lying to her that's on you too. Sorry to be so direct, but you have a problem and you came here looking for advice -- advice that you admit you don't want to follow because you "enjoy masturbation and have no strong wish to give it up."

This is like manipulating her. She's already noticed that you're a better boyfriend when you go five days locked without masturbating. As part of your talk with her, ask her if she can keep you locked longer. I agree it's a big jump from 5 days to 90 days. But 30 days, a month, is an ideal test period. Locktober is coming up, but you can't afford to wait that long to start.