How did you introduce your spouse to the little secret?

Before Mrs and i married, i told her everything in my sexual history, in particular my interests/experiences in chastity, denial, submission. She was entirely vanilla and i wanted to make sure that we were compatible on that level. To our mutual delight, she has embraced this part of me, and discovered new parts of herself.

 

I got introduced to the idea from a thread on the lovehoney forum back in 2008. Initially I was simply interested to get my head around the idea (I'm up for new kinks as I think they are the best way to avoid boredom in a marriage with all the potential issues that can cause). Anyway, after a while I found the idea not simply interesting but somewhat erotic. Of course trying to understand why we find some things erotic is often a pretty pointless exercise and I still don't really understand it - just accept it. So I simply suggested to my wife that we try it in much the same way we have introduced things like pegging to our repertoire. And it has become a somewhat intermittent part of our sex life since then.

In truth I don't find it a great burden - I have pretty good self-control so masturbation has never been an issue for me and I'm quite capable of holding off from cumming until I'm sure my wife is satisfied. We have introduced my using a strapon on my wife, initially as a back-up plan against my intermittent (and thankfully now largely absent) ED problem. So I'm happy to bring my wife to orgasm with the strapon whether I'm lock or not. We both like the way the chastity device allows us to recapture some of the extensive foreplay we used to indulge in for hours when we first met and before we had consummated our relationship. My wife likes to ride on the chastity cage which she finds wonderfully frustrating (as, needless to say, do I)

 

We had dated nearly 4 months before I told her about this, but told her that I was sexually submissive within two weeks.

I didn't want it to be something that she would feel I held back and lied about, but wanted to give her enough time to know me as well. Too early and it's a bit much for a new romance, too late and they feel lied to.

As for how, we were texting kinda naughty and she had mentioned that she bought something for us, it was a sex swing. I told her I had bought something as well, I wore it but it was for us both. Then I told her I bought a locking device that goes over my privates that prevent erections, and I can't take it off without the key. I then asked her if she wanted the keys.

She said she didn't think she wanted that kind of responsibility but thanked me. I said no problem, I'm not asking you to do anything different, except unlock me when she wanted sex. She agreed.

She must have done lots of Internet searching and asked me lots of questions, and within a week was pretty into the FLR thing, and we discussed our boundaries and our expectations.

The more we talked about it the more she seemed to like how it was going.

Also, I have never asked to cum or be released, she's driving.

 

It was very easy for me as we have mostly had fetish sex over the last 44 years. So chastity was the tamest and easiest thing to ask my wife to try. I do what has always worked for me. I take it in baby steps. Like with S&M, I did not start off by asking my wife to whip me until I bled. Started with spanking and then over time progressed to more severe stuff.

For chastity it was the easiest sell I ever did because we had just come off of 30 years in a poly triad and my wife was missing her girlfriend. My wife needed a woman in bed and in her life. Let's say that although my wife is bi, she prefers sex with women because she is not into penetration and likes the type of love making she had with her girlfriend. I did what I always did when sex got to be boring, I looked for a new fetish but we had done them all, all but chastity which I thought was stupid. Why give up orgasms when the goal of my entire sex life was as many orgasms as possible with as many girls who were willing to give them to me.

What I did instead was introduce my wife to teasing and denial and to my surprise she loved it. For the first time in her life she was in control of sex. She did not have to feel guilty about denying me penetration (combination of her liking sex with women better and medical problems) anymore nor had to deal with disgusting semen. We started out with me on the honor system and I gave her a chance to see what sex was like when only she orgasmed. She loved it. In fact she would laugh out loud and say that she loved the control she had over me. We took baby steps and eventually got to three weeks of orgasm denial. She wanted to go longer because as far as she was concerned, she had no need of my penis (used a vibrator for her orgasms).

It was then that I told my wife that I was at the limit of my self control and would need help if she wanted me to go longer with no orgasms. I showed her the CB6000s an she told me to buy it. So that is what I did. At first I kept the keys since I was taking it on and off a lot and I was bothering her for the keys every few hours. Once I got the proper fit and got used to wearing it to sleep, I gave the keys. The emergency key was wrapped in layers of paper and plastic and signed on all sides by my wife. It really takes an effort to get it out and no way to hide that I opened it. However, I did use it a few times in the last 4 years and consider an emergency key to be part of safe and sane sex play as it has been in all of our fetish play with BDSM being a lifelong fetish. Interesting story about the girl who got me into BDSM inadvertantly when I was 13, ending up living with us for most of our marriage.

From there we tried the games, contracts, FLR, D/s, some fantasy stuff, and all the other stuff you read online about chastity. We stopped and started many times. It only worked for us when we discarded all the rest and just did chastity as part of our T&D fetish. I broke the CB6000s twice due to daily wear so my wife told me to get a Jailbird from Mature Metal. I have been wearing that for over 3 years and it is a part of me and I hardly notice it anymore. 3 weeks of denial was extended a little at a time until 4 years later I am at one orgasm every 4 months and really never feel the need for an orgasm again. My wife stopped feeling guilty about denying me in year 3. She loves me too much to see me suffering due to an lack of orgasm. She got over it as did I and now she would be happy if I never had an orgasm again but knows that if she denies me completely, she no longer has any control over my penis or sex life. It is good to be reminded of what I am missing because I do reach a point after 3 months where I do not care about an orgasm and she starts to lose control over me. We found 4 months to be optimum for us but I hate having to go through the tough first two weeks and actually would be happier if I only got one or two orgasms a year.

We also negotiate our chastity terms each year. For 2017 the most amount of orgasm I agreed to was 3 with a minimum of two. Next year I may try for just an annual orgasm but I have to see how it goes next year. I would also like to mention that although we and many others did the chastity contracts and played the popular games to determine my orgasm denial period, in the end they all ended up taking the control that my wife fell in love with, away from her. She did not want to have to give me an orgasm based on the role of the dice. She wanted to give me one when she wanted to. However, in the beginning when the KH is feeling guilty from denying the person they love, playing these games helped since denial was not up to her.

If you read chastity contracts, as if they are legal contracts to begin with, they all sound like a manual of what to do to the guy when he is in chastity. Whip me 10 times if I do this, dress me in panties, handcuff my hands when you remove my cage because I am like a monkey who cannot be trusted to not touch myself for a few seconds, etc.. Then when you start changing the contract it gets messy and you end up with contradictory rules and each of you thinking that a different rule is in effect. Very messy and it does box you into a structured arrangement which once again forces you to follow the rules and takes control away from your KH. We did not even follow the rules to marriage so following them to chastity did not work for us.

As someone who has taken vanilla girls and turned them into dominatrices that will whip you until you are welted and bleeding as well as doing some yucky stuff, my advice is to take baby steps. I never started off with a woman and told her to paddle my butt until it was covered in bruises. I started off with her first teasing me while I was blindfolded. Then ties up and later on spanking me. I would respond in a way that positively reinforced that what she was doing was arousing me. This will only work with a longer term relationship, not a one month fling. You need to teach them and show them in small steps and only proceeding when they are at ease with what they are already doing. My wife used to be horrified if she left one mark on me and now she will whip me only I have welts all over my butt. I think I posted some pictures of this.

We started and stopped a few times until we found what worked for us. After we got comfortable with chastity, we then added a few BDSM elements into it. There is a reason why Chastity is not a very popular fetish and we see people come and go all the time. In fact, the marketing director of CBX who makes the CB line, once said in an interview that he believes that 90% of his devices end up being put away after the initial excitement wears off and the reality of orgasm denial is not like the fantasy where you do not feel horny at all. Some may go back to it every so often but most will never use it again. I think the problem is that guys get very aroused at the thought of giving up control of their penis but when it is not done the way they want it, they give up. I have heard a few key holders who do this online say the same thing.

If you do it gradually and do it in a way that you and your KH both enjoy, even if it is just being locked up inbetween your normal times for sex, it can work long term. Guys buy the device and want to wear it 24/7 from day one. I know that I did but ended up with a very raw scrotum for my troubles. They also want to be denied for very long periods of time from the beginning. Hey, I know how arousing it is to think that you will have to wait a year for your orgasm but the reality was nothing like my fantasy and I gave up. Then we started again on more realistic expectations and it did take me 4 years to go 4-6 months between orgasms. That is a lot of baby steps we took. When I got used to 3 weeks, then we would do 3 1/2 weeks until I got used to that and so forth.

One last thing is that we read all the benefits of chastity for the woman and spew it out. When I was young there was no internet and we actually had to make up our own ways to do fetishes. Now you can find them scripted down to fine details and people seem to want to do it exactly as they read it. I think they masturbate to what they read and see online and that gets imprinted on their mind and will not be happy until the reality matches the fantasy. As I learned a long time ago, reality rarely matches the fantasy where you control all the action and cannot feel pain or emotions. I get very aroused when I see three girls whipping a guy all over his body until he is a bloody mess but in reality I would be using my safe word long before I go to that point.

I told my wife all those things I read about her benefits to my chastity. I made it sound like I was doing it for her when in reality I was the one who wanted chastity. I even acted like I read I would when in fact, it was just an act and as soon as the initial excitement wore off I no longer felt like doing all the housework and hold down a job while my wife sat around eating bon bons and having bareback sex with other guys she just met just so she could bring me home a creampie or had me watch while locked in my cock cage. I did act more obediently but after awhile I reverted to my true self and my wife told me that she married an alpha male who made her feel safe and did not want a beta husband who wore panties and did all the housework, so we went back to our normal life and just did chastity. My wife is in charge of all things to do with the house and our sex life and I do all the rest. We work as equal partners and still enjoy T&D with a chastity device.

So just be aware of these things and sorry for the long post but I come across so many guys who are frustrated that their loved ones will not engage in their fetish. A kink is something you want to do but a fetish is something that you have to do. I learned that awhile ago and if you do not feed the fetish it will gnaw at you for the rest of your life. The problem is that guys masturbate to fantasy versions of their fetish and then expect their mates to just jump into the deep end of the pool rather than going into the shallow end first and getting used to that first. They also expect their mates to act like the porn stars do and life is not like that. Most women are not born with leather boots and a whip in their hand. Take a realistic view of what you want and then take baby steps and it will work out for you if you both do it in a way that you both enjoy even if it is still 3 orgasms a week. I have done every fetish you will find on Fetlife and some that are not there. I even managed to get my wife to share me with her best friend. I only had relationships with bisexual women, four of them in my life. I have a knack for getting girls to want to do the things I want to do. I teach them, top from the bottom and then give them control. They never dominate me. I submit to them. Then again, I only entered into relationships with sexually adventurous women. Too many guys settle for a woman who gives them sex regularly and then end up posting on the internet about their boring sex life. Hopefully something I have said will allow you to succeed at what you want to do.

We do chastity with one rule only. My wife makes all the rules, does not have to tell me what they are and can change them at any time without prior notice. This makes life simpler. Don't try to script your sex life, it rarely works.

 

I didnt have to do anything! My lovely wife was diggin this whole chastity thing before I ever thought about it. Then in a particularly dirty conversation I said she should just lock me up. Just the opening she was waiting for methinks..

 

This pretty much sums up my life... for some reason I'm drawn to the cage. it's not a necessity in our relationship. but my girlfriend loves when it is on me. it's a huge turn on for her... so it never last on for long before she's taking it off for sex.

 

My wife and I always enjoyed reading various erotic novels, short stories or the personal experience of couples regarding the subject of male chastity on various internet web sites. One evening my wife asked that as I was so turned on by the subject did I want to experiment with male chastity as she believed that as I was so submissive I would enjoy being teased and frustrated by her controlling my orgasms.
Consequently I have was never in the embarrassing situation of trying to explain my interest or fascination in male chastity with my wife I only had to say yes, aren't I a lucky boy.