FLR out in public

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by Mistress Lauren, Jun 15, 2010.

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  1. Mistress Lauren
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    Mistress Lauren New member

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    My b/f and I are new in this whole D/s FLR lifestyle. In addition to at home, he wants me to be demanding and exhibit my dominance while we are out in public. I just can't really imagine doing that in public though. For example I can't imagine demanding him to "Pay for all this stuff NOW" at the check-out at Target. I think I'd say it and then laugh (or have to try and hide a laugh).

    It just seems so far from being acceptable standards in the "normal" society that I couldn't imagine the looks I'd get from people close enough to hear. Maybe in time though, I won't care and/or will get used to that...

    Finally my question: How do other KHs handle situations in public? Obviously this is on a whatever-works-for-us individual basis, but I am just curious to see what other D/s couples do while out in public.
     
  2. Mistress Michelle
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    Mistress Michelle Magical Mistress

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    Hello Lauren,
    Dont worry, it will come to you in time. I actually am much more demanding on everyone but My husband, even though he is submissive. Its not a natural thing for Me to be demanding of him, although it got alot easier over time. I can and am extremly demanding of My other submissives, in fact I had an issue with My sissy rachel when we were out shopping once in which I had to yell at her in the store, and drug her out with a stern jerk. I should have pulled her sissy panties down out by the car and beat the shit out of her but I didnt. Acting like a child is unacceptable behaviour, but I digress LOL
    Dont worry, it'll get easier.
    And....welcome to Mansion!!!

    Mistress Michelle
     
  3. stealth
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    stealth Senior Member

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    My question is: if it's a FEMALE led relationship, why is he insisting on this? It sounds like it's not something you want.

    Quite simply, his role in a FLR is to make sure you're happy. It's not about him. If he's insisting that you do something that makes you feel uncomfortable, then you're not happy and he's not doing his job.

    I really liked the FLR described in this post:
    http://www.chastitymansion.com/forum/index.php?/topic/3986-introducing-a-women-to-female-led-relationships/page__view__findpost__p__48504
     
  4. Locked_In_LV
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    Locked_In_LV Mistress Lauren's Slave

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    :angry: Ok, ok, before you begin the "topping from the bottom" sub hating, she never stated I was "insisting" that she do something. I made a REQUEST that she do something. I'm aware that it is her choice and hers alone how I address her or how I myself am addressed. If you read my blog entry in the last section entitled "The journey ahead" you'll see I stated something similar to the link you provided:

    I'm not out to tell her how to perform her role in this relationship, but I do feel that I am allowed to express a desire or opinion for which she has complete authority to consider or ignore. As many have said about a 24/7 D/s lifestyle, the key is open and honest communication. That is something we have and cherish both as a "vanilla" couple, and in our new developing D/s lifestyle. Perhaps some don't agree with that mentality, but it works for us and I feel it will ultimately allow me to serve her to my fullest capacity. If she can't trust me to be open with her about my feelings and desires regardless of what her decision may be, how can she ever feel confident that she is not placing a strain on our relationship as we develop this lifestyle?
     
  5. Mistress Lauren
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    Mistress Lauren New member

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    The post that stealth referred to also said:

    "I think too much is made of the "sin" of topping from the bottom. As all the posters have stated above, communication and understanding is absolutely key, but not easy. I think it's the difference between the "you're not doing it right" thing, which is a "sin", and trying to gain a mutual understanding of each others desires and needs. Better to err a little on the side of trying to communicate and getting a "slap on the wrist" than being afraid and not communicating enough."

    I couldn't agree more. How would I ever know what my b/f wanted out of this if he never suggested what he would like? Ultimately it is up to me, but without us communicating and making suggestions, I think we'd just be at a stand still.

    And plus- we're not even 1 week into this type of lifestyle... Open and honest communication at the beginning especially, I think, would be the most important aspect.
     
  6. stealth
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    stealth Senior Member

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    I couldn't agree with you more that communication is key to making Chastity and/or FLRs work in the long run. I also believe that there's a lot of grey area between good/open communication and topping from the bottom since it's very situationally dependent.

    From your question, I somehow came away thinking that you were asking how to deal with his instance upon (vs. request for) exerting more dominance in public, and it appears that was a total misread on my part since that clearly can't be further from the truth based on what you're both saying. I'm sorry about that.

    The primary point I was (poorly) trying to make is that in an FLR it's simply up to you. It appears you're both in agreement there, and now with a re-read doesn't even appear to be the main question, I'll turn back into a wallflower now.
     
  7. Celtic Queen
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    Celtic Queen Senior Member

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    As usual with these things, the answer is "it depends". Not very helpful I know. The only indication - if someone was really looking hard for one- that my hub and I are in an FLR is that I tend to pay for everything as I control all the money. I'd hate the thought of him miserably trailing along three steps behind like you often see. I expect old fashioned manners and courtesy from him (opening the car door, me through the door first etc) but there again, I hope for that in all males. That's just good manners.

    To my mind, FLRs don't need to be flaunted like D/s scene stuff. They are all about how you intend to manage your relationship so how that displays in public is as individual as you are. One thing I would suggest is some subtle reminder that you both recognise when you're out and about that pulls him back in line. It could be a certain look, a gentle tap on the arm. My hub does forget himself sometimes and needs to be reminded that if he is exhibiting behaviours I don't like, he needs pulling up or risk punishment when we are alone. At the end of the day, your FLR is no one's business but your own and if you have a well mannered man who puts you first and treats you with the courtesy and respect you deserve, then that's exactly the way it should be.


    Think Victorian gentleman and you won't go far wrong ;-)
     
  8. Mistress Watchful
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    Mistress Watchful Dont believe the hype ;oP

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    Well everyone is on form today! Yes, in the early days forget about "topping from the bottom"... that can't really happen until you are more established. This time is all about communicating.

    As for out in public, I don't "demand" but I do "expect" and people do tend to notice that a lot more. Doors are opened, once I pay for the shopping (all our money is mine!) I walk away from the till and pet will pick up the bag and carry it... it's subtle. If pet doesn't pick up the bag, I raise my eyebrows at him. :D

    In your case you could just present your goods and step away from the till, showing that they are your items and that he is paying.

    If he's wandered off I'll tap my thigh, like you might do with a dog. Some people will notice, others won't. Those that do will either think "how rude" or "hmmm... I wonder?"

    If we are in a quieter place in public and unlikely to be overheard and I've asked a question which required a yes or no answer, I will simply say "two words" and get the response "Yes Mistress" or "No Mistress". It's a gentle reminder for him, but doesn't intrude on anyone elses space.

    It's not necessary to involve other people in your lifestyle who are completely vanilla. It's all about subtle signals that work between the two of you. Like a secret language.

    Of course there have been times when I've flipped out in public (who me?!) and said "wait till I get you home" or "that behaviour is completely unacceptable". Again, some people would think I was just a terrible, nagging, wife. Oh well... ;)
     
  9. Locked_In_LV
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    Locked_In_LV Mistress Lauren's Slave

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    I approached this idea with Mistress as well... Suggesting perhaps she require me to make direct eye contact with her when it is something that I am not to question regardless of how politely it's said... A lot can be said without words when making direct eye contact...(not to mention it would be quite the turn-on to be peering into the eyes of Mistress while she is exercising her dominance over me :) trust me, she has amazing eyes. . . )

    I would also think a snap of the fingers would be quite effective at re-focusing my attention on her... and might seem less obvious than a "c'mere boy" type maneuver.

    This is another good way of her controlling my response... A clear signal that she is to be addressed as Mistress when and only when she feels it appropriate...


    Thank you for all the great suggestions thus far, I'd love to hear more of what people have to say in regards to this subject. Keep the ideas coming. :happy0158:
     
  10. Mistress Lauren
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    Mistress Lauren New member

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    Stealth- don't turn into a wallflower. I appreciate your input, even if you did kind of misread my questions... It was big of you to acknowledge that and apologize.

    Celtic Queen- I couldn't agree more that ALL men need to have basic manners such as opening doors for women and such. My b/f was great at that even when we had a "vanilla" relationship and I hope he instills that upon our son. I also agree with the subtle reminder while in public, that seems to be what makes the most sense.

    Thank you Mistress Watchful for all of your suggestions; I found them very helpful, in that they inspired me to think more creatively as to how to figure something out that would work for my b/f and I while out in public (and while around our son). I'm sure in time my b/f and I will have a working understanding of what I mean while we are out in public and /or with other people.
     
  11. bart_heels
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    bart_heels Junior Member

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    The subtle hints that Mistress Watchful and Celtic Queen are talking about are also used by my Princess.
    We have agreed upon in an early stage to keep out FLR lifestyle to ourselves. We do not want to involve others/vanilla people into our lifestyle. Of course, people who visit our house will notice that I do most of the cooking and serving during the evening, but we do not emphasise on our roles. And of course, I always be a genlteman towards her (and all women), but to my opinion that is just besic behaviour. Although I do notice the strange looks I get when I fetch her coat and help her in it when we are in a public place, but that says more about those hillbillies than about me I guess.

    But, there are times when she corrects me in public, she usually camoflages the remark as a joke, but the two of us know that it is serious.

    Good
     
  12. cockislocked
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    cockislocked Senior Member

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    Absolutely it says more about them. i think you are spot on with such respectful behaviour i try to do the same as often as i can. The expression 'Manners Maketh the man' springs to mind. It is also in the very best of chivalry to stand each time a Woman leaves or returns to the table when out dining... That gets looks, my Mistress does not like me doing that She feels to exposed, but it is good manners. If i transgress in public Mistress ofetn says out loud often when Her family is here, 'Don't worry he will get a beating for that later'... they all think She is joking, my arse knows better!
     
  13. brendajjq
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    brendajjq Member

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    I agree that he should never make any decisions about what you do. This should be about you and what you are comfortable with.

    My husband is my slave in private and in public. It might be less obvious in public, but people will see that he is respectful to me and does what I tell him.
     
  14. chastitylocked
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    chastitylocked Junior Member

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    During a brief exploration of a FLR (that never lasted) my wife used a multitude of very subtle hand gestures to indicate that I was crossing a line, or that I was gonna be punished when we got home. For instance, if she brushed her cheek - like she had a little itch - with one, two or three fingers, it meant I had earned that many additional days in chastity. Running one hand around the opposite wrist - like a muscle was tight or sonething - meant I was going to be in handcuffs when we got home. Wiping the corners of her mouth or running a finger across her lips meant l had said sonething inappropriate and would be gagged for an hour when we got home. And finally, brushing at her pant leg or sleeve like she was knocking lint off meant that I was going to get a spanking. These movements were so subtle and common out in public that no one else ever took notice. But after I had received a warning look - a "really?" kind of expression - and saw those gestures, I knew I was in for it.
     
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