Chastity and the LLF problem

All these are great ideas and I have tried those too. I had a similar idea about massaging and surprised her once by getting one of those tables on Amazon to find out that she does not like massages! Who doesn't like massages???? LOL. Her. I am constantly looking for a way in. I do romantic things (flowers, dinner), I do useful things (clean the house, help with the kids), I try to be thoughtful. She appreciates these things - you can tell she does. But that does not translate into anything else. Now to be clear, I do not do these things to get sex. I do them because I try to be a good partner. And she thinks I am a good partner. But, I just wish to find that which may get her to "want me," desire me, seduce me. All that.. and I am not even talking about chastity.

Chastity to me was what I "thought" was the solution to us not having any sexual activity. I thought, well since we are not having sex, maybe she can role-play that I need to be locked up and do not deserve to cum by holding the key and denying me or making me edge but never getting release. In my mind, this does not take a lot of effort on her part and I can get some "benefit" of it.

Funny thing is ... when we have sex and I cum, I do not necessarily need chastity or get horny for a couple of days. In my head, if we could have sex once a week, that would be ok. I would want twice on the average, but would be ok with once. But, when enough time passes, I get horny, which leads to wanting BDSM / chastity, etc.

Hopefully this extra information helps the forum understand a bit better.

 

So, let me ask you ... how do I have the conversation without her immediately thinking "he is talking to me about this once again because I am not being a good wife?" At least that is what I think she thinks when I bring it up so I try not to bring it up until I am so frustrated that I do. And then perhaps the communication is not as good.

 

I did make the OP about me to try to be brief. I do try to do things for her. Before we have any intercourse, I work on a lot of foreplay just for her. I love doing things for her. I usually just try to slow her down because when she gets going, she wants to have intercourse and strokes me and gets me going and I slow it down so she can enjoy. She gets so overcome that wants me to get on top and just have sex. So, I know she enjoys something about it. Which always strikes me funny... if you like it like that, why not have it more frequently? None of this even plays into BDSM or chastity. I think that comes in when enough time has passed that I am not going into that mode.

Maybe she is right. Maybe I am just weird.

 

Thank you, friend! I think this is very good and sound advice. I think what I will do is have the honest and long conversation about ourselves and see if she can articulate her concerns and fears. Then, maybe right there decide as a couple if this is doable or not in the future. I am with you... I do not want to jeopardize anything. This is why I declined bringing in a 3rd party when she said she thought about that as a solution. I think that would have destroyed the marriage and I do not want that. Even if it did not, it would take my time and attention away from her and the kids to another female and that I cannot bear.

 

Understood. I wonder how I discover it. I have asked while in bed what she likes / what fantasies she has. She said "nothing." Then, when pressed, she said she likes her nipples being sucked/licked so that is a permanent part of lovemaking. Other than that, she does not have anything. So, the only other time to have a conversation is outside of bed when there is enough time and I feel like she cringes when I start discussing the subject of sex.

But to everyone's credit in the forum, I bring it up because I have had enough and do not like not having sex. I do not bring it up by wanting to learn more about her and why she does not want to. So, I am hoping this is the way to bring it up. I also will try to make it about - "hey, we have this issue that I would like for us to tackle" - instead of me against her, I want to do it us against the problem. Maybe that way she won't feel attacked and she can open up about her concerns. But other than having an open communication about it, I am not sure how to even initiate the convo.

 

I agree that the conversation should not start with chastity cages at all. This is why I have been separating it in my replies.

Let me see if I can explain what it is for me: I am like you - I wanted to be denied and be in a female dominated relationship. I think that is powerful and I like the idea. I think it came from the BDSM games we played that I liked. She used to tie me up and tease me relentlessly and then not let me cum. Or she would let me cum. It was a "game time decision" which I loved because I did not know what would happen. She even called me at the hotels when I was traveling for work and give me instructions to edge. It seemed like something she liked. I think she also liked the attention I gave her when I had been denied for a bit. When that ended, I think I saw chastity as a substitute to that, one that would take less effort on her part than spending a couple of hours with me tied up to the bed. You know? This is where the cage came into my head. When I wear it, I feel similar to when I was tied up and not being able to do anything. When I wear it, I also like to be reminded (through contact, suggestion, or through commands) that I am locked and need to be subservient. I discovered this by mistake at one point but tried it on my own and found that I craved that. Hopefully, this helps.

Before that ever came up, I was already struggling with the amount of sexual activity we had/have. So, what I thought was... hell, if we are already not having sex, perhaps she can take the key, tease me every once in a while to let me know she controls me, and let me out only for hygiene and for whenever she wants to have sex. The rest of the time, I can be locked doing whatever she wants me to do.

So, as you see, I see it as a way to compromise - she does not have to have more sex, but at the same time, I am in some sort of sexual activity.

I am not sure if I am doing a good job explaining this. If I am still being confusing, let me know.

 

I could not understand how being denied sex or orgasms would actually be a good thing or something anyone could crave. But it is clear by my own experience and reading a lot (and even being in this website) that this is a thing that generally has a positive experience for the males and also for the females that want to top. I found that mind-blowing.

 

She did say that... I always wondered if she saw herself as a "plain vanilla kind of girl" and did not even think about it OR whether she is asexual. When we met and dated, she wanted it nightly and more than once (twice or three times) each night. So, I do not think she is asexual. Something has turned off. She has said it is being tired with all the things we do (work, house work, kid activities, etc.) which I can understand but my thought is "well, I am doing those things too. we share the work fairly well, but I am still attracted to her and want her all the time and she does not seem to". This is where I am at a loss. I am not discounting that we may need to go to therapy. I just do not know how to approach it without her feeling "attacked"...

 

Good idea! I may do that. She wants to go walk for exercise more so I may accompany her and maybe this is a good time to talk - it is hard to do when at the house because there is always someone here (and of course the 10 year old is around too).

 

Many times that is what I want... for her to be more sexual like that. You know? Like sex is important to her. If she were to tell me about a sex dream that would be awesome.

Sometimes, she does tell me in the middle of the day, let's go upstairs, but this has happened maybe 3 times in like 15 years.

 

This whole reply speaks to my soul. I think my wife is like yours. Same thing. She does not want sex with the lights on. She even undresses to shower in the closet and covers herself getting in and out of the shower! She is beautiful and has a great body and great tits. I tell her this constantly but it is not registering. I tell her to not cover the "girls" - (I am a boob man). Like you, when she did things in bed, it was always me suggesting or her asking me to verbalize what I wanted. I agree that if left to her own devices, we would seldom have sex. I think so far this year, we have had sex 4 times. I also realize that there may be people out there with a lower number, so I do count my blessings, so to speak. But 4 times in 11 weeks, yikes....

Now one thing different from your wife... mine does not feel comfortable controlling anything outside the bedroom either. She leaves all decisions to me. Where to go to dinner... when to go do something... how to do something. If she differs from how/when/where, she will say what she wants but she will never come out and be assertive. I want to take her opinion in mind but I often wonder if she likes when I am decisive and just run with it. So, I often wonder how much that trickles into the bedroom. Chastity is the complete opposite of being assertive in life and taking control. It is relinquishing control and letting someone else control you. If she does not like taking control in life, then it tracks that she is not comfortable taking control in the bedroom either.

Also, my wife confessed to me that she never masturbated before she met me (and she was 34 when we met). She also confessed that her ex-husband cheated on her, so I often wonder if he was going through something similar. I am not condoning his behavior and I have made it clear I would not (which is why I do not want the third party to come in), but I simply wonder if that is why he did it. I wonder if he went through the same thing.