Being a Domme, on the bottom.

Run away if you can, he sounds horrible.

 

As @subdomain so aptly put, he does sound rather horrible. I would also add rather childish. I certainly wouldn't play any of his silly little games anymore. Give him back the key and tell him to either change his ways or forget it.

 

^^ What they said. Kink only comes after you have your relationship stuff figured out, and he doesn't sound submissive at all - more of a kinkster. Anything you can do to break him down will only be temporary, there's no such thing as non-consent. If you wan't, you can try being completely dominant and absolutely refuse to take any excuse or whatever and just crush him under your will, but even that is unlikely to work.

 

Refuse to play - that is your ultimate domination and choice. He doesn't control you nor is he willing to commit to what he is asking you to do.

 

Sounds like you actually have three kids in the family .... relationships are built on communication, and this type of "kick" is more advanced sexually then most people can handle. It sounds like there are more foundation stuff that is required to be done before moving forward in this realm ... you can attempt to use something like chastity as a tool to "break" him ... however, I don't know if that makes a person into someone that is into relationship material ... unless that is your end goal ... Good luck ... If you are interested in breaking him ... I know there are probably tens of people who will come up with suggestions and ideas for doing so ... but given the stress your family is under with the multitude of jobs and life .... it sounds smarter not to go down this path

 

Instead of cuckolding him tell him you have given up being his dom and that he can play by himself.

Then tell him you will need the chastity cage back as you have decided to take on a real sub who really will bend to your will and desires.

Thats only a half serious suggestion and i agree that as most have said work on the aspects of your relationship that you are both struggling with and introduce chastity d/s stuff when your relationship is in a better place.

 

Based on your post, I'd say dump him, you need an adult for a good relationship and he's not there yet.

Now, to play devils advocate, take a good look at your own actions. Are you giving clear direction about what you want him to do? Not just - clean up your act, but - no more than one drink a day. Are you giving clear results of failure to comply with these specific tasks? Not just - You'll be punished for failure, but - for every drink over one per day you'll be running 5 laps around the block. If you are over 4 drinks in a day, you'll be running in a dress. If you're over 8 drinks in a day, since you'll be stumbling anyway, you might as well wear high heels.
As a Domme, are you setting fair and consistent rules? Once you set a fair and consistent rule, do you follow through on discipline?

Here is my suggestion, since it's free, I'll guarantee it's worth every penny. With my submissives, I've used this general system. The submissive starts with a clean slate, and NO rules. Because there are no rules, they are free to act any way they choose. HOWEVER, once I see a trait I feels needs to be corrected, I set down a new rule. If that rule, or any future rules set, is broken for the first time, I very politely remind them of the improper behavior, perhaps a mild punishment focused on reminding the submissive of the reason the rule was put in place. If the rule is broken for a second time, I, not so politely this time, remind them of the improper behavior, punishment of some sort is guaranteed, but again focused on reminding the submissive the reason the rule is in place, and in addition how breaking that rule effects others around them. If the rule is broken for a third time, I don't bother reminding the submissive about anything, it's time to take action against a stubborn refusal to comply with the rule. Punishment is guaranteed, and guaranteed to be not only related to the rule, but punitive as well. This also results in a punishment "chit". If the submissive breaks the rule for a FORTH! time? It's time for me to start seriously considering if this submissive is worth my time and effort to be around. The same fate would apply if the submissive ever earned four "chits". As you've no doubt discovered in your time as a Domme, it's a LOT of work. Why waste the energy on someone who is not willing to work at getting better.

I hope he finds a way to begin pleasing you, but failing that, I hope you find the strength to put him behind you and move forward.

 

This is a tough thing for some guys to adjust to. He may be in love with the fantasy and when it becomes real he pushes back. Given the benefit of the doubt that it is possible to resolve this for you both . . . He should prove his commitment to the project. Maybe the way to do that is to ease into it real slow like. Wear the device for a block of time with no intervention / direction from you (playing by himself) so he can process physical / mental signals. Then when he's ready you can both participate very lightly over a weekend - no heavy D/s. Let it grow from there if it will.

I hope you both get what you need.

 

Some very good advice has already been given, so I wont repeat it. I just wanted to add that restraints on your sub before his device comes off will ensure that it goes straight back on when you want - not when he wants!

 

What a waste of a willing Domme who truly wants to play... I hope he figures himself out soon... I'm wishing you both better times soon...

 

Being a sub means stopping what you're doing and do for someone else. A sub should have nothing on his mind except how to please his wife. This is extremely hard when there's so much pressure, two jobs, kids, etc.. How do you just clear your mind and concentrate on your wife. Not easy. So I agree with what's said here and take things slowly. Build chores up one at a time. When he's become accustomed to the one chore and it's not a big deal, add another. Back off if it becomes too much and allow for the occasional cranky day. We all have our moods.

 

It can be a difficult situation when money is tight, and there are children involved. But if he lies to you, has had at least one affair, and there are control issues, you need to put aside the D/s aspects for now and concentrate on your relationship in general. I would strongly suggest you seek counseling; if he won't go, go without him. You say he has improved over the last few years, but please forgive me for hearing instead that he treats you like a doormat, and you allow him to do so. Making excuses for him won't help your situation.

 

@MommaK I read your post with great interest as I am your husband - not physically, but we are brothers from a nother mother and your post was valuable to read as it helps me realize the difference between a desire to be a sub and the desire to play the sub.

When I read your post I realized what I am doing in my relationship - however our experience is different as my wife is vanilla and expresses no interest in placing me in chastity and would never conceive of donning a strap-on. For some context, I have lurked this board for almost a year with hopes of finding ways to entice her and instead I continue to find illustrative examples (like yours) that educate me and allow me to realize that I'm not a sub - or at least not mature enough to be one yet. So, let me present to you what I think your husband has going on in his head - as I fear that he and I may be far to alike.

There is no rationale reason for the order below, this is just laid out as it comes to my mind:

1) I do love and care about you - however, I am a Narcissist and care and love for my own needs above that of any others.
2) I WANT to be your submissive, I WANT you to tell me what to do, when to do it and meet your every need. So long as you do it in a way that I WANT - which is will be based on the sexual fantasy I have developed in my head.
3) I want to be in chastity because I am hypersexual and the fantasy of giving this to your control turns me on. Also, for me and not necessarily in your relationship, I was unfaithful in the past and think that the chastity device is one way to physically repent and communicate my internal shame for that discretion.... and to prevent me from doing it again should I lack the relevant self control.
4) I am childish and playful - that is something you were attracted to about me. As a result, I lack the maturity of self control and self discipline - thus I do take things to the extreme. Also, when tired or ill I will be snappy, argumentative as this shows the true inner-self - the one that I have no energy to hide. When I don't get what I want - I will mentally bully you, to get my own way as I am a Dom that wants to play sub when it suits my schedule and I get something out of it.
5) That's right, I'm not a submissive, I am a Narcissist with a femdom fetish that you have so kindly started to explore - but to me this is a game to get more attention on me and ultimately does rob you of your strength or power - but I don't really think about that as I'm only focused on what makes me feel good.
6) When I do sub, I am topping from the bottom . The rest of the time, like you, I am a Dom, but as an individual I'm just not anywhere near as capable, competent, motivated or highly functioning as you.
7) Lastly, when I do sub or at least when I do the things that you want me to do - I don't do them from submission with the mindset that says 'I should do these to satisfy my Queen, or met her desire'. I do them with the mindset 'if I do this she'll play tonight'......i.e. this will get me attention. Before I got into the D/s mindset when I would do chores I would typically do them to 95% completion. Sweep the floor but leave a pile of dust and debris in the corner. Wash and dry the laundry but not put it away. This passive aggressive behaviour stems from my not doing it because it the right thing to do or because you'd like it, but rather, because I need the attention from you to satisfy my weak Narcissistic ego.

Your guy sounds so like me that it is scary. I have put my request for chastity and D/s play on-hold and instead my wife and I are engaged in couples counselling to help us talk about the issues in our relationship. Perhaps one day, when I am more mentally mature and we are able to communicate in a way that each of us listens and hears what the other is asking I can revisit this lifestyle. But until then, it remains a fantasy.

In summary - I think your guy is unlikely to change based upon the actions you've presented and certainly not in any short period of time. Primarily I think it is because he is mentally (like me) too immature to put the needs of someone else ahead of his. Which is what I have come to realize what the D/s lifestyle is about. Others say flee - however if you stay, my suggestion is focus on keeping the kink as a fun part of your sex life. If you do decide to keep going with the kink, I would personally encourage continued and long-term use of the MM device. In addition to which, I would refrain from opening it when he wants and encourage you to provide lots of physical and verbal interactions to keep him hypersexed on edge and sexually engaged through your actions - for an immature narcissistic mind he craves the attention and it will provide valuable conditioning and feedback if he gets that from you all the time (however -recognize that that is work not fun for you). Don't give him anal pleasure s that may be seen as a release. If after 6-8 weeks you're not happy because his attention on you is slipping, focus on sexing him back up by dressing provocatively and talking in a sexual way to excite him - touching his locked member at unexpected times or sending messages through out the day saying that you really want his member in you. If you haven’t read it, review the manuscript - real women don't do house work - much of this manuscript will arm you with what you need to remain in control - but he will challenge you due to the mental maturity he has. While it is hard if not impossible to make someone develop maturity and respect for you quickly - you could at least apply the attributes of female sexuality to try to satisfy his need for attention ad thus control or dampen his childishness to some extent.

 

Absolutely - and in spades. If he's worth the effort, then the only way is no holds barred and he's to know it. :spank:
Otherwise he's not worth the time and effort.

 

Well Done - and I agree with your suggestions.... - except from I would not give excessive amounts of attention, but some encouragement along the way is in order after the first week or two....

@MommaK - test him in a device he can't escape from and that has not to come off. I am afraid that means that he has to have a small PA- piercing first, and that til postpone the start of this final test- I know.... With a little luck he will be ready in 4-6 weeks.
Make him commit to 10 weeks of lock up with possible extension and with no explicit promise of release. Then keep him dry for all 10 weeks - and more if. If he passes the test without trying to kill You,- You have something to work from, otherwise it is so long to chastity games... Make him understand that his commitment is binding and if not fulfilled, the consequences are as mentioned.
It might, - just might help him... but it is for sure a last resort. Make him jump around for You for the ten weeks - at least you will get that out of this last experiment

Good morning

 

@MommaK i am sorry if my post derailed you - i thought it might be useful to know what goes on in my head as your hubby sounds so similar
@DREWife - do you think it is possible fora Narcissist to mature and become less self-serving and more focused on the needs of his Queen? If yes - do you think that conditional programming (akin to Pavlov's dogs) is a key component to create the anchors for that change in psyche?

 

@MommaK

Thanks for the note, I was worried that I overstepped the mark.

From your response - I personally think this realization is a key one "in order to get what I was promised, I oddly enough have to work at it".

One of the struggles I am sure that I face in my relationship with my wife is the barrier of knowing that the Domme has to initially 'work' just as much / if not more than the sub. The work is very different, but it is not - from the get go - easy sailing - which can derail things if you think about it - who would want to work harder to get less done...

Funnily enough, it reminds me of my days as a high-school teacher, the first year teaching a new course or new year group was tough as content and experiences for the class needed to be developed from scratch and expectations and discipline needed to be aligned - but after the initial investment the 'maintenance' became easier and i expect that is true for the Domme/Sub relationship.

 

And it's important that any punishments are things he really does not like at all.:spank:

 

Plus if he's a masochist it let's you get "creative"