Equality in a D/s relationship

For me it is not about being equal. It is about being in the kind of relationship we want. if it is what we desire, and we both want the same or similar situations, then that is more important than whether one serves the other and one is the Master and the other the servant.

 

It is a symbiotic relationship. Each provides what the other needs. One wishes to exert total control. The other craves to submit. But behind it there is a bond between them, written or unwritten, which basically says I trust you, you're mine.
It is a partnership of equals because I grant my submission. I wouldn't do this for just anyone.

 

The thing to remember with "equality" in any form be it race, sex, politics or in the context of FLR or D/s is that we are all equal! It's just that some are more equal than others!!! Not my own words by the way! I don't remember who originally used them but I think they are very true!

 

The original quote was from "Animal Farm", by George Orwell — ‘All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.’
From Dictionary.com "A proclamation by the pigs who control the government. The sentence is a comment on the hypocrisy of governments that proclaim the absolute equality of their citizens but give power and privileges to a small elite.

 

Totally agree with this, i know than no one else could have pushed and extended my limits like madam has, it’s my love for her and my love to please here that has made it possible.

 

In my opinion our relationship is not necessariliy about equality in all things. It just would not be possible due to the power gap in our relationship.

We are in a happy, loving relationship in which everyones well bering and happiness matters the same. In fact both of us tend to put the other one always first.

So why should anyone really care about some somewhat uncommon aspects of our relationship as long as we are more happy with it than most vanilla folk with theirs ?

That would be my way of argumentation...

 

Personally, what I'm seeking is a relationship of equals who have complimentary needs and desires that dovetail together perfectly.

The two yin/yang halves are stronger together than either separately.

Ideally, it wouldn't be solely about the sexy, kinky nature of a D/s relationship.

So, we could be looking at something that appears quite straightforward and vanilla on the outside with all the D/s elements contained in the bedroom or broader domestic situation.

 

That's it I remember now! Thanks for that. Never read the book myself but BBC radio broadcast a play version of it which is where I heard the term.

 

First we need to define what we mean by "equal". How do you measure that? Dividing up chores? By time spent or level of difficulty or some other metric? By income level? By what each partner brings to the relationship? The whole concept of "equal" is a slippery slope, so by what standard can we define a chastity cage as contributing or subtracting from an "equal" relationship?

I would think the parameters are so varied between couples that the question can become meaningless. Wearing a cage may make a relationship no more equal or unequal than who does the most dishes or makes the most money, etc. Relationships are not zero-sum contests; if you think they are or should be, you probably won't be in one very long, or make it enjoyable for either partner when you are. As long as the participants feel they have an equal (or equivalent) relationship, a cage probably makes no difference. It's the same concept as stating that wearing a chastity cage does not make a man any less 'manly' (or more submissive, weak, etc.)

 

I think the circle can be squared only if there is equality in conditions for exiting the relationship, so that if one day the sub says he wants it to end, then that is that and the Domme has to accept that decision. Before any such exit decision by the sub, within the D/s relationship there is most likely a high degree of inequality.

 

George Orwell, Animal Farm: https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Animal_Farm

 

I think I know what you're asking but I think the question needs be more precise.
Equality is something which we human gain after lots of conflicts and brave women and men have fight and died for the idea of equality.

All people are / should be equal to each other and the phrase from animal farm (some animals are more equal than others) is wrong in my opinion.
It depends on the context. If you're stranded on an island with a CEO owning billions of dollars and someone who knows how to survive a "lonely island situation" I know who I want on my side.
In a war scenario or natural disasters equality is NOT related money or status it can be other factors.
Or in case of an accident with lots of injured people the doctors will make a judgement based on the survival probability. This is a controversial topic and it is even more relevant if we think about self driving cars etc.
Should the car protect the 70 year old driver who has cancer or the 6y old kid which ran on the street and the only option is steer the car into a parking truck or hit the child? What if two kids are on the street etc. ....very difficult topic, discussed by other much more intelligent people.
Un-Equality starts when you think about your own kids,family to which I have another boundage than to a complete stranger.
But in an ideal world / normal situation all people are equal. What you are referring to is, who has control in a relationship and even there it might be that control is split into different categories.
In a FLR I would say that would never like to feel unequal (as a human) but I love to give away control being in a FLR.
Maybe the difference is just, that it is clearly communicated who has more control, something that might be more hidden in a vanilla relationship.

Piet

 

Any relationship is a team game, there will always be a leader and follower(s).

Sometimes who's leader may alternate with circumstances, more often one will lead most of the time.

That is fine and healthy if the leader takes the responsibility that should go that go with their authority.

That is true whichever way around it may be, whether M/f. F/m, M/m, F/f, etc.

I personally prefer to be leader, but I would defend the right of other men, and women to choose an FLR.

The Animal Farm quote says that there is something in the nature of some humans to seek power without responsibility, to try to coerce and force others to do their bidding through violence.

That is tyranny, abuse, and sadly the lot of many women, and more than a few men, in vanilla relationships.

Hopefully, in the scene, in a BDSM, FemDom or other unconventional relationship, there is consent.

 

What’s equal in our relationship is the amount of respect that we have for each other. Our personal relationship between us is more on unequal than equal ground because we agreed that she is the head of our relationship via chastity and FLR and she has taken that power to heart. I have my place and she has hers above me. However, we come together as a team to make important decisions on equal ground to make the smartest choices for our family and moving forward in life.

 

I don't think there is an unequal relationship with D/s because it's supposed both partners are agree with that. It's not an obligation or mandatory.

I don't care what my friends thinking about my relationship while my partner and me were happy.

 

"Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness" is a well-known phrase in the United States Declaration of Independence. The phrase gives three examples of the "unalienable rights" which the Declaration says have been given to all humans by their creator, and which governments are created to protect.
From a quick google search. All humans living in the United States are equal to begin with. If they choose to submit to another in any kind of relationship does not void those rights.

 

I would say that most, if not all, relationships are between people who are in some ways unequal, and continue by saying that the aboventioned truism is not that important, as relationships are not built on equality. Healthy relationships are built on things like love, respect and trust, and endure when each partner keeps getting enough value out of the relationship, whatever their criteria for "value" are.

Many would say that my relationship is not equal, that I am in many aspects superior to my beloved. And she would agree with such an assessment. Did so, more than once. And she's superior in some other aspects. However, the inequalities don't bother me much, as I am not looking for a clone of myself, somebody who would be my equal in all things. I'm looking for someone who is happy to give me enough of what I wish for in a relationship, and who is happy to take what I can offer.

If all I have is apples, and all my neighbor has is oranges, trade makes a lot of sense, and same holds true for relationships. Inequalities between partners can create opportunities for mutualy-beneficient "trade"

 

At the core of our long-term relationship, we are equals. We each take the lead in certain areas based on our expertise. It has been very successful and satisfying.

FLR is layered upon the core of our relationship. We are making the choice where I give up some decision making or power, and she accepts it as hers. The core remains unchanged. We agree that we will not change or risk the heart of our relationship.

We are going slow and figuring it out. I think since we agree to protect the core relationship, it feels much safer to experiment during our FLR trials, even though we are taking it seriously.

 

IMO relationships are equal when they are freely entered into and those in them can freely terminate them. Despite chastity locks, slave contracts, bondage, etc., we are free to leave our power exchange relationships at will or the one using force faces legal consequences. Such relationships may not be equal in the sense that each decision is not discussed and mutually agreed to, but think about it for a moment. Imagine a 'normal' equal relationship. One partner wants to go to the movies as a couple and one wants to stay home as a couple. Despite their equality only one will get to do what they really want, so you could ask the same question about whether they have an equal relationship. I know one couple, whom I don't think are into a formal power exchange relationship, and when they have a disagreement the man always gets his way- it's right out of '50s TV and a little spooky. Yet, if queried, I bet they'd both say their relationship was equal, and that's because they discuss differences until the woman acquiesces. In a power exchange relationship it's similar, except that one partner has already acquiesced.

 

She relaxes (and cooks supper) I do all the cleaning, laundry, and yard work
She has her SS check as spending money I control the finances and spend on me what she allows
She decides on and administers discipline I accept her decision and endure what she decided on

How much more equal can it be?????

 

One of the keywords in "D/s Relationship" is exactly the word relationship. Like any relationship whether there is a power exchange or not you still need to have each others back. My last partner I shared a total power exchange with I knew was looking out for me as much as they knew I was looking our for them.

I like use the example of if you (the bottom) are sick. It might be your daily task to make dinner. However if you are sick and in bed your partner will probably want to take care of you and make dinner. D/s is equal its just a different type of equal in my opinion.

 

All my girlfriends friends (a lot of them vanilla) really like it. She loves the way they are impressed.

Whilst maybe day to day ‘unequal’, I think it is still equitable taking everything into account.

 

In the big wide world our D/s relationship would probably be considered unequal by most of the population. We don’t agree.

The general public would only look at Ian’s cage and the other “rules” we have imposed on him, and incidentally on ourselves. They would ignore that it’s all consensual. They would not see all the equality we have as a unit. Financial matters, major purchases, even what to have for dinner are discussed. If there isn’t unanimity we go for a two / one vote. (Abstentions aren’t allowed!).

Unusual lifestyle ... yes. Unequal ... not in a million years.

J&J

 

I agree. Like the players on a team, each player plays a different role and all contribute to the success of the team (FLR). Sometimes players change roles to help the team. Equal or unequal does not seem to me the most important. Good communication and respect is more important to me. Have a good day.