Topping from the Top

This is a great question.

For me (mostly bottom) it's that she tops from the top by simply communicating that it's happening. "Let's get you locked up." "No, it's way too early to let you cum." Stuff like that.

 

If they're not topping from the top it probably means they're not fully invested in the process so you may need to have a long discussion about mutual requirements. Good luck.

 

There’s a big difference between topping from the bottom and having a discussion with your partner about your wants and “needs”. Problems usually arise when a sub who doesn’t understand his role and continues to pester his domme about the things he wants even though she has said no. The only difference between topping from the bottom and asking for something is your behavior and the way you go about it. Your domme doesn’t need any of our advice to top from the top, she’ll go out and find support on her own if she thinks she needs help figuring things out. That is unless she asked you to create this thread to help her with ideas. If she didn’t ask you to ask us for advice she may be insulted by the fact that you think she needs help, which would be topping from the bottom. Now if you asked us for advice on how to be a better sub which in turn would encourage your partner’s inner domme to grow, that’s a different story.

 

To some extent: A woman just needs to become comfortable with her power. Many women have spent a lifetime avoiding conflict with men; for example, my wife comes from a family with lots of males in which she could never really assert herself, and as her husband, I generally set all of the rules and made all the decisions. (Until a few years ago, that is .) She still wants me to make lots of decisions, but it's different now, because I'm making the decisions to take the responsibility off of her plate, and she always has the ability to override anything I decide. (Which gets a little embarrassing for me because I often have to walk back decisions that I've made that are already known to other people, and how do I explain "well, my wife overruled me and I obey her now".)

Anyhow, the "how" of her becoming comfortable is a tricky question. From my own experience, I can do 1000 things to build her up, and if I do 1 thing to undermine her, that does more damage than the 1000 things that were good. She already knows in her head that she doesn't need my support (seriously, she quite literally has me by the balls), but her heart still relies on my support for her position. I'm not even sure that I mind this current balance, because once she's truly comfortable with her control, my life might be a lot less comfortable than it currently is

But at the end of the day, unless I'm willing to walk away (which doesn't even seem conceivable anymore, I am so addicted at this point), her word is absolute law, and she can enforce it any way she chooses to. And that is power. And knowing it, is power. And understanding it, is power. And practicing it, is power. And playing with it, is power.

So here's my advice: First, make sure that your mistress has an absolutely failsafe way to have you by the balls, by some sort of agreement that you both fully understand. As but one example, in my case, my wife can just add days in the cage until she gets the result that she wants (fortunately it only takes a few to turn me into obedient mush), and I agreed to accept any other punishment she chooses, physical or otherwise (safeword? what's that?)

Second: Make it fun. If she isn't enjoying this ( I mean, seriously enjoying it, without reservation or constant concern), then why should she explore it further? Find ways together to make it a fun game (well, maybe not so much fun for you , but it sucks to be you!)

Lastly, be thankful, show your appreciation, and enjoy the moment. You're a lucky man to have someone who cares enough to be on this journey with you. Get down on your fucking knees and thank her, without being asked to. Do something unexpectedly kind for her without being asked or told or hinted or whatever. Show some gratitude, and in every thing that you do, do it joyfully. Women hate their men sulking; if that were the only thing that my wife cured in me, this whole journey would be worth it for her on that one thing alone. Seriously. (And I love her all the more for it.)

Good luck

 

Your final point is extremely powerful. Show her you love her. Be grateful. And show it. NOTHING else will be more encouraging.

 

I didn’t mean to offend you if I did. I suppose I put myself in your shoes and what my behavior was like when starting chastity. I had posted so many times asking others about ways I could “encourage” my domme to be more dominant. At the end of the day it was just because I wanted her to become more of what I envisioned and hoped for. The fact of the matter is, regardless of what I initially invisioned and hoped for, my domme behavior is exactly what I hoped for, I was just to naive and in to much of a hurry to get what I thought I wanted versus letting her find her own way and become the domme she wanted to be. I tend to read a lot of my mistakes in other people writing and perhaps I read a little to far between the lines. Anyway, I wish you luck and I hope you get the info you’re looking for.

 

Sorry to be of little use, but there probably aren't any.
You're either born to dominate or submit. Sure, people can play various roles, but when it comes to actual long-term relationship, role-playing becomes too much.

 

“Topping from the bottom” has gained such a negative connotation that in my opinion, it has become toxic and harmful.

I believe there are two possibilities that are labeled as such, one justly, and the other destructively.

I comes down to communication. If a person is communicating in a scene with the intent to direct and manipulate, then I think this qualifies for the definition.

If the person is communicating a need or desire, or experiencing an uncomfortable situation, then it is healthy and necessary communication. Particularly if outside a scene.

Consider that most people entering into a FLR, or chastity, or other aspects of BDSM, have little to no experience. The only way to be safe and gain experience and pleasure with your current partner, is to communicate. Frequently. I think the negative connotation of “Topping from the bottom” may prevent some people from having important discussions.

I highly value having a glass of wine with my partner and checking in about the past week, or discussing future directions. It is outside of a scene and can be freely explored without pressure.

The discussion will always be more effective if comments are supportive rather than critical. Many women struggle with self confidence for many reasons. Being even remotely critical will not help her realize her strength and develop her dominance.

 

It's hard to learn to fly if you aren't born with wings.

 

Per the FAA, approximately 2.9 million passengers fly every day. Wings not required.

The challenge I think, is recognizing if a person has an inclination toward dominance. Many women may have it, but it is not well received by society and they are often discouraged from freely expressing their strength. In turn, this erodes their self confidence about coming across as a strong woman.

For those of us that celebrate female dominance, drawing it out and building her confidence is very important. And, it takes time. We can plant the idea, but she must grow into dominance in her own time, and in her own way.

 

I sometimes suggest things, often things I've read about, and ask if she would like to try them. It's always very clear that it's her decision if we try them or not.

If I think it is a very kinky suggestion I specifically say that I'm not trying to top from the bottom. I never want her to feel I'm trying to pressure her for my pleasure, the suggestion is primarily about experimentation for her pleasure (but sure I might like it too).

I think timing & frequency of suggestions is important, I don't want to nag and annoy her. When she's relaxed and we're just being together is a good time, but infrequently so as to not spoil being in the moment.

To be clear my Goddess definitely tops. She dictates chores, sometimes disciplines, dictates when and how I will worship her sexually, dictates if and when we will try any suggestion I might make. We try to practice a female led relationship, something we are both getting better at. She is simply less interested (relative to me) in researching kinky activities to try.

Here are some examples of my suggestions (one inspired from this site):

1. I asked if when she has time would she like it if she relaxed on her day bed while I sat on the ground and massaged her feet.
She said yes. She likes that suggestion and we will do that when she has time.

2. I asked if she would like it if I went down on her after she flogs me. I've noticed that she really enjoys flogging me.
She said no. It's a power thing not a sexual thing and she does not want to confuse the two.

3. I asked if she would like it if each morning as she exits the shower I kneel naked and kiss each foot and her mound once, as as a way of starting the day with worship.
She said yes. I now get into trouble if I'm not there kneeling when she exits the shower.

 

This sounds awesome! Let’s face it, she probably starts running low on ideas to keep things fresh. Even if she doesn’t use your suggestion, she now knows more about you, and may incorporate your idea into something she invents. You both sound like you are enjoying your time together.

When she steps out of the shower, would she enjoy bath towels warmed in the dryer for her? I also warm the shower for her to start, and wipe it down after she finishes.

Great job!

 

That was idea inspired from reading this site

I think she would like the bath towels suggestion... I'll mention that, thanks

 

I agree!