A confusing journey.

Well thought that well there are certain things that well putting in my regular blog might have common friends asking about the things we do, and this seems to be the right place to post it. Also hate being a lurker though making sure this makes sense means this will be a long post.

My other half and I share an odd relationship I met him online, yuck I hate saying that but there it is, on an bdsm site. To understand I have always identified as sub, though I have always felt it was hard to truly be sub, not to mention I don't share well. That usually doesn't fit well within the lifestyle which is why I was looking for someone near my own age, and looking for more than just an SM relationship. I just knew from my many failed vanilla relationships that I couldn't keep hoping i would stumble across someone with similar tastes. So I went online.

We talked and talked, and well talked some more. I was intrigued that he never spoke down to me and was actually upset if I started to treat our conversations in the realm of sub and Dom. We shared stories and horror stories, cause well we all know we have at least one bad decision. Eventually we began to share fantasies and he shared some of his and not all of them involved me tied up and happily spanked or caned. His started with the admission of a love of Satin, something I can understand I love my satin sheets. When I asked him more about that we moved on to a love of maids uniforms. It took a while but he finally brought up chastity and treating him as a sissy maid. Know this was hard for him like the first time I admitted to an ex of mine I wanted to be tied up and spanked.

I asked him if these were things he wanted from me. then there was the pause, we all know it having been on one side or the other of this particular conversation. He said no if I was uncomfortable with the idea, and on some level I was but not because it wasn't something I wouldn't like to do. More because I wasn't sure how it would fit. How can one be a sub and a Dom at the same time? Of course I said I needed to think about it and for the next few months I did and he never brought it up again.

And then I managed to get the money and the time to visit London and him. It was an amazing two weeks, and I went home with the most beautiful welts. The relationship changed after that and I happily accepted my collar. But then came the moment where I had to actually make a decision. He told me that he had been to see a pro, and I went ballistic. That goes back to that whole I don't share well thing. And then I felt hurt, a hurt that I hadn't felt in a long time. There were two sides to the hurt, that I had failed him as a sub, and then the wonderful woman thoughts of why am I not good enough that he would want to go to someone else.

He has since admitted that he didn't actually see a pro and said that to see what my reaction was. While underhanded I can see why he said what he did, he gave me an ultimatum. It was the s#$% or get off the pot time for me. Could I do what he asked? The Dom side of me came out and well we started sending emails back and forth. But the concern came out of what happens when we are together how do we straighten out the lines that are naturally already blurred. That got put to the test on my next visit and I did get to top him and well the thrill and excitement was amazing. Wrapping him from head to foot in yards of satin, and tease and torment him till he was whimpering and begging was amazing. Now I know why being Dom is addictive, the power and knowing I was the one who could either tease or offer relief.

So I have been trying to fall into the role and he has been understanding and very helpful. Especially since i have a hard time really thinking like a Dom. I figure it will come with time. Part of the reason I came here wanted to understand things better. Especially since i have purchased him a cb for christmas since we will be together. I figure I can find a way to fit this facet in my life. I have never felt I fit in one category and well this shows it. I just spend most of my nights figuring out how best to be his everything. I want to express my appreciation for all the journals since while I have a sub perspective it is nice to have it from someones experiences.

I just find myself worrying alot especially right before we are together in person. It is easy to be sending instructions and another to actually vocalize the instructions. Though it has been fun and interesting and shopping is so much fun. But how to balance I am sure it will come with time. All I know is i love the pics of him in his maids outfit and cleaning his house. Though I still need and want my playtime :evilgrin0036: Though suppose that all this will change once we are in the same house. It is hard to imagine things in that context at the moment. Not to mention not using my topping him as a way to top from the bottom. Though I am happy that while he wants these things I still have my place at his feet when ever I want it and he can be my adorable sissy on occasion.

Well from now on I doubt i will write as much and most of it will be boring mundane details. though this is part of the reason i joined here wanting to know more from other people who actually have experience with this part of the lifestyle. But well back off to read my cbt book I keep getting evil ideas.

 

Well not much has happened today except to remind me why I absolutely hate the holidays. Usually I am preparing to pretend to be a hermit till New years. I have reasons not to, namely Lew he loves this holiday and well I get him from the airport on the 23rd. I have managed to avoid ruining his families christmas, but he decided to come here since I wouldn't go there. On one level it is nice to have someone whom I would like to spend my holiday with, it is still depressing. Apparently the fact I don't want anything for christmas, or that there is nothing I really want isn't enough. So I have been fighting with him over what he will get me, which if I had my way it would be nothing. So well since he refused to believe me I have had to invent things I "want" hoping that will keep him appeased and off my back about gifts.

Though it has given me an excuse to buy things for him. My new cat o nine tails should be here soon, and his cb3000 is on the way. I figure that should make the trip to New Orleans while he is here much more interesting. Now if I could just make my family disappear think I would have a great holiday. Oh well suppose this year I need to get a darn christmas tree. I just hope I can manage to keep from having a break down before he gets here. I have been trying to keep myself busy going through the tack room, amazing what you can cobble together when you have a wonderful room full of horse tack.

I have been playing least in sight, and breaking the two youngest ponies to harness and hopefully by the time Lew gets here I can have them pulling the larger carriage and we can take pumpkin bread to the neighbors. Work has gotten boring I suppose with the economy slowing and everyone spending money on gifts they don't need haircuts. Though it just adds to the depression since well with fewer haircuts it means less commission. Oh well preparing the house for Lew and well hopefully he can find a way, or I can give him some ways to make up for putting me through this nonsense.

I am picturing lots of massages, pedicures, and him in a maids outfit cleaning everything. Heck I might line up all 12 ponies and 6 horses and having him remove every tangle from their manes and tails every day while he is here, while I sit in the warm house drinking hot coco. Maybe that is too evil, but I am just starting to feel a little aggravated. And then I am starting to feel bad for not being as excited as he is. To know that though I love him, and well assuming my family after spending 2 weeks near him hasn't completely convinced him that he would be better off spending two weeks with a pack of jackals, that he loves me for sure. Oh well figure it will be interesting to say the least suppose I should be looking at it as at least I will have someone to sit next to me while we wait to see who throws the first punch over christmas dinner. Goddess I love my redneck family.

Oh well figure I have come up with some interesting ways to make his visit fun, though hopefully more so for me. Oh well I shall wait expectantly to see the presents for him to arrive in the mail.:evilgrin0042:

 

Realized something today as I sat at work, that there is a real absence of spas for a BDSM couple. I am thinking what better way to show appreciation of you Dom/Top than treating her do a day of haircare services and facial services. I am thinking there is no reason I couldn't either show someone these services and how to do them. How great would it be to send you sissy off to some one who has no problem teasing as she gets a haircut, or teaching your pet to give you those awesome highlights. Or even having them complete the services that you desire. Right now I am working on wigs that are a reasonable price. It may be a while before I am making wigs that are good enough for everyday wear. I think the main point of hair color and cuts is that you have to understand the thoughts behind it. I am just hanging out a shingle of sorts to teach, supply, and/or do the services. To give your pet services and even tease through the pedicure or manicure. Even as you sit under the dryer allowing you highlights to get lighter is worth the savings. Heck to just allow an open venue for the kinky community to live openly and to allow the humiliation of their subs makes for an interesting communication.

Let me know I have no issues giving lessons and performing hair care services even buying products straight from the distributor for a great price, I fell that not only is a woman's beauty is important but that of the submissive.
Kis

Well hope everyone is doing well.
Kis aka Liz

 

You bet. Have visions of a coffee shop/tattoo parlor/spa along with Doms getting special pampering and able to watch. Figure it could offer all the things that a salon/spa could offer. A place that one could be themselves, as my other half pointed out the ides of being teased as you got your nails done could be an interesting proposition.

Guess it is my twisted way of using what I have learned. What mistress would love to say yes my wonderful little sissy did my hair for the evening. That their highlights they got for the cost of the product rather than a couple hundred dollars. Heck to know you dropped your sissy off for a bit of pampering and they got lessons in all the feminine arts. Just a weird take since a friend mentioned the idea of a place where subs and sissy's get teased while getting pampered, While the Tops got their own pampering discussing the attributes of each sub and the torments they suffer. Maybe with a glass of wine that way you never know if it is your mistress watching as you get a manicure or facial.

Imagine being treated as a sissy as you are teased and getting an uncomfortable erection while you are subjected to highlights and red nail polish. Just an idea but thought it would be a fun one.

 

lol betting on anything at least around here seems to be a dangerous proposition :tongue: but love the feed back...... now if only i could come up with a winning lottery ticket! Oh well off to mope and be miserable, got I hate being sick though it does explian why I ended up till the wee hours coming up with ideas like this *giggle* it must be the NyQuil. It was all the Q's idea :bigsmile:

 

I am gonna try to go easy on him though I suspect I may drag him off to one of the bathrooms at the airport *giggle* or borrow my brothers truck since he at least has a back seat. :anim_49: Yeah love the NyQuil!!! Though it isn't as strong as it used to be, oh well as if I need to be loopy all day tomorrow at work. Wheee. Wonder if I can manage to get sent home tomorrow. :character0028: Okay logging off the computer and going to go soak in a bath and try to go to sleep.

 

Yeah think I about bought the stockroom out lately. I probably could start my own supply store with all the wonderful toys I have spent my entire paycheck on.
Yes I have a shopping problem *giggle* that is why I am not allowed on ebay more than once a week. Right now I am awaiting my harness for my feeldoe though. supposedly you don't have to have a harness, but well any woman who could keep it in without one has to have loins of steel or the patience of a saint. hmmm thinking it is time for me to crawl under the sheets....NyQuil you are a friend of mine.......

 

Okay I have now spent most of my christmas budget. I had way too many things i wanted from the stockroom. And I guess I shall have to clean out a drawer, or a closet, to put all the fun toys.:sex007: though part of me thinks I shall wrap them and let L open them on christmas day. *evil giggles* Though I may surprise him with the one present soon after I bonk his brains out after getting him home.:hump: Though that might be mean, on the other hand he might enjoy it. though he might enjoy it too much especially if I can figure out the how too on this strap on. Suppose this will be a learning experience I just hope he survives *giggle*:treesmiley:

 

Well slave_j's present arrived and of course I had to take it out of the box and make sure all the bits were there. :yes1: It is so tempting to overnight it so he can wear it under some satin panties on the plane ride here. However I don't trust the mail service and the last thing I want is to lose his cb in the mail, which has to be a good deal worse with all the presents working their way through the mail.

Today was a good day guess the mail man put the mail in our mail box last night since I didn't think that they delivered on sundays. Oh well my new cat of nine tails arrived as well and I am delighted at how it looks as well as it's weight. I suspect my stockroom purchases will be here soon as well.

Well these happy moments of opening and wrapping was interrupted by my realization that I am scheduled to be at both my jobs at the same time tomorrow. One my tax prep job carries me through the spring and pays a heck of a lot more than my job at the salon. I was to quit my salon job on the 23rd and since it has slowed down so much I am tempted to quit since my commission is next to nothing now. While I will lose out on tips I am thinking that it is time to move on. That and slave_j has offered to help me out :love0038: , but I feel a little uncomfortable taking the money. I have worked very hard to be responsible and on my own.

Though i suppose being in a relationship means not being alone, and not having to do it on my own. Oh well I am sure it will work out and i am just giving myself more things to freak out about. If I have to quit then I have to not much to do about it. besides hopefully next fall I will be back working on my degree, though rather than history and english I shall probably be an accountant. lol already have the glasses and enjoy numbers so figure I am half way there *giggle* Teaching I suspect would be too much for my nerves and the idea of having an office and surrounded by tons of numbers rather than people is much more appealing.

 

Well finally after much worrying and fretting he has arrived :manga_beat: Though I didn't get to put him in the cb 3000 today and i must say it is more complicated than one would think. I certainly dislike the hinges. I being unfamiliar with the equipment though wow that should make it easier. That is a huge big fat wrong. So after much giggling and teasing and a lot of ice finally the poor boy is locked up nice and tight. And well It is making me hornier and missing certain locked up bits.

So we are at a stalemate of sorts. I am trying to be all Domly and not let him out and he isn't begging at all. Something that is beginning to make me a little frustrated :sad0004: . The not begging to stay in it or get out. Hopefully I will get some ideas this evening though I know what he wants to do. That I am trying to deal with I have never been big on the whole going down on me thing. I know that is what he wants but hasn't pushed it. Just makes me uncomfortable I am sure I will manage to find a way to calm down enough to maybe enjoy it. Guess this is all making me have to rethink everything. Oh well i will keep you posted I have been having fun teasing the hell out of him though. Hope everyone is having a great Christmas. I know i am just have to learn how to take all my presents and have fun with them. :jumping0045: