Well thought that well there are certain things that well putting in my regular blog might have common friends asking about the things we do, and this seems to be the right place to post it. Also hate being a lurker though making sure this makes sense means this will be a long post. My other half and I share an odd relationship I met him online, yuck I hate saying that but there it is, on an bdsm site. To understand I have always identified as sub, though I have always felt it was hard to truly be sub, not to mention I don't share well. That usually doesn't fit well within the lifestyle which is why I was looking for someone near my own age, and looking for more than just an SM relationship. I just knew from my many failed vanilla relationships that I couldn't keep hoping i would stumble across someone with similar tastes. So I went online. We talked and talked, and well talked some more. I was intrigued that he never spoke down to me and was actually upset if I started to treat our conversations in the realm of sub and Dom. We shared stories and horror stories, cause well we all know we have at least one bad decision. Eventually we began to share fantasies and he shared some of his and not all of them involved me tied up and happily spanked or caned. His started with the admission of a love of Satin, something I can understand I love my satin sheets. When I asked him more about that we moved on to a love of maids uniforms. It took a while but he finally brought up chastity and treating him as a sissy maid. Know this was hard for him like the first time I admitted to an ex of mine I wanted to be tied up and spanked. I asked him if these were things he wanted from me. then there was the pause, we all know it having been on one side or the other of this particular conversation. He said no if I was uncomfortable with the idea, and on some level I was but not because it wasn't something I wouldn't like to do. More because I wasn't sure how it would fit. How can one be a sub and a Dom at the same time? Of course I said I needed to think about it and for the next few months I did and he never brought it up again. And then I managed to get the money and the time to visit London and him. It was an amazing two weeks, and I went home with the most beautiful welts. The relationship changed after that and I happily accepted my collar. But then came the moment where I had to actually make a decision. He told me that he had been to see a pro, and I went ballistic. That goes back to that whole I don't share well thing. And then I felt hurt, a hurt that I hadn't felt in a long time. There were two sides to the hurt, that I had failed him as a sub, and then the wonderful woman thoughts of why am I not good enough that he would want to go to someone else. He has since admitted that he didn't actually see a pro and said that to see what my reaction was. While underhanded I can see why he said what he did, he gave me an ultimatum. It was the s#$% or get off the pot time for me. Could I do what he asked? The Dom side of me came out and well we started sending emails back and forth. But the concern came out of what happens when we are together how do we straighten out the lines that are naturally already blurred. That got put to the test on my next visit and I did get to top him and well the thrill and excitement was amazing. Wrapping him from head to foot in yards of satin, and tease and torment him till he was whimpering and begging was amazing. Now I know why being Dom is addictive, the power and knowing I was the one who could either tease or offer relief. So I have been trying to fall into the role and he has been understanding and very helpful. Especially since i have a hard time really thinking like a Dom. I figure it will come with time. Part of the reason I came here wanted to understand things better. Especially since i have purchased him a cb for christmas since we will be together. I figure I can find a way to fit this facet in my life. I have never felt I fit in one category and well this shows it. I just spend most of my nights figuring out how best to be his everything. I want to express my appreciation for all the journals since while I have a sub perspective it is nice to have it from someones experiences. I just find myself worrying alot especially right before we are together in person. It is easy to be sending instructions and another to actually vocalize the instructions. Though it has been fun and interesting and shopping is so much fun. But how to balance I am sure it will come with time. All I know is i love the pics of him in his maids outfit and cleaning his house. Though I still need and want my playtime :evilgrin0036: Though suppose that all this will change once we are in the same house. It is hard to imagine things in that context at the moment. Not to mention not using my topping him as a way to top from the bottom. Though I am happy that while he wants these things I still have my place at his feet when ever I want it and he can be my adorable sissy on occasion. Well from now on I doubt i will write as much and most of it will be boring mundane details. though this is part of the reason i joined here wanting to know more from other people who actually have experience with this part of the lifestyle. But well back off to read my cbt book I keep getting evil ideas.