What is the secret to keyholding?

Good on you for chairing your own post I actually think it's one of the better ones. It's got some of the regulars talking and you've even got shield guy from dungeons and dragons being wonderfully creative.

I'm going to spread a little love for this post and cm in general, and hopefully stick to the OP. Sometimes my posting of experiences dries up a bit simply because they are repetitive. I can't take any larger than I get pegged with, I can't take higher voltage to my balls although these things happen a lot. So it may seem no progession except time and numbers which I know is boring and can lure us males into competitiveness. I think there has been progression. Reading the highs and lows of others has given me a new found gratitude for my mistress doing what she does so well, and we do compare our experience to others. So this forum has had a direct positive impact on my relationship. We are both loving the chastity lifestyle more and more each day and each other as well. My gratitude I feel is turning into better obedience to not cheat the system (masturbating) and this is bringing a better sense of peace to both of us and an acceptance of the permanence of enforced chastity. So don't be disheartened. You all help me and we support each other on our shared chastity journey.

 

Keep in mind a FLR can exist without Chasity. In fact, Chastity often gets in the way by directing focus to the male’s kink away from serving the woman. The terms keyholder and FLR are not synonymous. Most books and web sites miss this point.

FLR is authority. Keyholding is sexual.

If you have agreed to a FLR, chastity is unessesary for her to lead and for the male to serve. He should be able to do everything she needs without being locked.

This is why you are having problems getting an answer. In a FLR, it is not her responsibility to keep you in the right frame of mind, it is yours.

@Breathe has given you a spot-on answer. After reading this, you might consider rereading her reply.

 

Can you expound on that? What makes you say your wife is struggling to understand the situation?

I agree, that phrase feels reductive; I think everyone wants different things out of their chastity experience, to be completely honest. I liked what Breathe had to say about individuality in that regard.

I can't think of a concise "mission statement" exactly, but I do think the "secret" to keyholding is that the keyholder finds chastity attractive. If one partner engages in kink just to "play ball", so to speak, both partners may be left wanting.

 

Let’s try this. Completely remove all discussion of FLR. In my mind, that makes it an entirely different discussion.

Let’s say both parties are willing to play with chastity just for the fun of denying him and controlling his orgasms. It’s a sexual game.

Is this close to what you are looking for?

 

In very general terms, for at least a mildly submissive male. I say that since he is caged, he has submitted at least a little.

1. Men like attention. Any kind.
2. Men like sexual tension and buildup.
3. Male orgasm, full or partial, can be viewed by men as desirable, or undesirable. Granting or forcing one is demonstration of her control. To completely eliminate them removes a powerful tool from her. If orgasms are desired by the male, he does not get to earn them. They are not rewards. She grants them if she chooses. Rewards are too difficult to manage.
4. A dominant woman is most effective when she is authentic and not performative.
5. If he complains, or whines, she stops.

Anything else falls under your particular dynamic.

 

Great list!

A couple of caveats to # 1 & 2:

• Men like physical touch... anywhere & everywhere.
• Men like to physically touch their partner, especially with their fingers, lips and tongue.
• Men like to be stimulated sexually & left hanging because it only serves to increase their desire for you. It's similar to their desire to view porn even though they can't touch the models. But in this case, their desire is for you and it serves to wire their brain to crave you.

On the flipside, there ought to be a thread on "Secrets to being a chaste male (CM)". All of these KH secrets are worthless, if the male doesn't do his part. And many of them can be enhanced significantly by the right behaviors by the CM.

 

A lot of good discussion here. @IB-Chaste I would add that without some friction it is hard to get traction so please try to consider all opinions in formulating your own answer.

To your OP I would add a small, but I think important, consideration for your communications: try to phrase your discussions based on her wants, needs, expectations and what can help you fill those. For example: "What do you like most about our chastity play, honey?" Her (again example) "When you look at me fondly or hold me", You "Great. Thanks. Sometimes I just cant get enough of you and the cage really helps. Sometimes I feel forgotten and then my feelings backfire. Is there a way I can cue you in on this?"

And to add exactly what happened for me: Her: "Oh I see it coming before you do, bud, but dont always have the time for 'a session'". Me: "You would be amazed how easy it is for you to wind me up and keep me on edge. Can I offer some tips?". And since then I share little tips or stories, especially when its getting dull, which I think might easily get her what she wants. She doesnt always follow my tip but almost always takes the hint and does something/anything because she knows it gets her what she wants.

The most important part, imho, is to genuinely focus it on what best gives her what she craves, not you. And that is because you clearly crave her being in control so no matter what she picks it is a win-win. For exampe: Im pretty sure she knows you like physical touch, but what if she just grabs your cage and whispers in your ear how excited she is that you cant do anything? For me Im a mess for the next 24 hours and she is happy. Etc. Etc.

All the best!

 

Ouch.

But I still say that a (not the) secret to a succesful keyholding relationship is for them to use that power to get what they want from us, by peaking our desire to provide it.

 

I can, so that negates the "we" aspect. To further concretise that; I have and do, as often as is needed, since we are partners rather than merely in a relationship.

The difference is, I suppose, is that I have very few expectations or needs. I meditate, I am okay within my own mind, I enjoy boredom since it is an aspect of being alive and I embrace my short time in this realm. Plus I am insanely horny and I embrace it rather than look for ways to resolve it.

Who is this "we" you talk about? You are projecting and when you say "we" you mean you.

Sounds like you are embroiled in a duality, with a partner who is also embroiled in her own duality. Sometimes the beams cross and sometimes they don't.

Do you both have a common plan, or are you both hoping to win the sexual lottery?

 

This level of communication is the key. We get together every week over a glass of wine and some treats I make, and discuss the week. This is when we have this discussion. When you can have an open and honest level of communication on this level, you have found the best part of a FLR.

 

Reminds me of...

 

As long as you are happy.

 

I know I can be a snarky ass but, like, really is there a secret?

Isn't it just... that the keyholder has to be as into the power exchange as much as the sub? Or at least enough to understand what keyholding is? The other person has to be interested in it enough to come up with their own ideas or do their own research etc.

 

Because I can.

 

Mainly, for my wife to desire me. Everything else is negotiable.