Deep breath. And... relax. Here goes

A nice meal out yesterday, along with everyone else celebrating Valentine's Day. Dinner was lovely. I don't usually wear low cut tops or especially pushy-uppy bras but seeing it was Valentine's, I’d made an extra effort and even wore heels. MyPete was in his fancy suit and in an especially good mood as he’s just had interviews for promotion and looks like he’s got it – he’ll know early next week. Over dinner we teased each other, and I mentioned that I was thinking, just thinking about letting him come later on. He immediately went all gooey eyed and goofy-grinning.

When he's tfd - (totally effing desperate) he gets completely boob-fixated and it was both arousing and actually very funny to see him completely distracted by my chest the whole evening. I don't wear the key on show, but he could see the chain and knew that it was tucked down there somewhere. I made a point of just occasionally casually touching that place where he knew the key would be. It was like showing a dog a packet of num-nums! There was a moment when I had to jokily tell him to shut his mouth because he was drooling. It made me feel incredibly warm and in love with him. We flirted and chatted about everything, and nothing.

When we got home, lots of long kissing and canoodling. I do love it when he's desperate, partly because it's incredibly flattering that his desperation is so focused on me, partly because of the feeling of control that I have (which is like a drug), and perhaps mostly because knowing that he's so excited is a huge turn-on for me.

It was obvious we were going to bed and I felt excited but very responsible for both of us having a good time. I was aching for the sensation of being entered and filled, by him, not by a toy, but wanted it to last long enough for us both to enjoy it and for me to be properly satisfied that way. That’s been progressing but we’re still nowhere near me being able to lose myself in the moment.

But thanks to a post here on Monday from @Huey I had a plan to use a little dab of numbing cream in the hope that it would delay him but not completely prevent him coming at all. I made as long a show as I could of unlocking him, generally dithering about it, fumbling for the key, and giving the impression of changing my mind. When I finally unlocked him, this time taking the ring off as well, I immediately had doubts about the plan to have him inside. Poor thing was so eager and so desperate and wound up! But then, as soon as he saw the cream, he looked as if I'd pulled the rug out from under him. He’s learned that whenever we use cream, he knows he's not going to come. I was appalled to see him so disappointd and hurt, though I tried not to show it. He looked completely demolished. I asked him if he trusted me, and he grudgingly said yes. I promised him he would enjoy what I had in mind and I promised that he would get to come, but that I would decide when. He looked practically tearfully grateful!

I asked him to let me put a teeny dab of it just on the underneath near the tip, where everything seems to join (he's circumcised for easy access) and I made sure I rubbed it in well, but with only one finger. I put a tiny bit on the top side as well and after another quarter of an hour or so of kissing (to let the cream do its thing – I’ve at least learned that!) I think we were both pretty desperate. I told him that I wanted him inside me. He started looking for a condom (so the cream wouldn't get on me) but I said I just wanted to feel him as he is, and for him to feel me as I am. We've never tried that before with cream because I haven't wanted to get any of the stuff on me but I figured because there was so little it would be ok.

Then that wonderful, wonderful moment of being receiving the one I love. After a minute or two he stopped and I thought he was going to pull out but after a slightly anxious moment (with me desperately trying not to look disappointed) everything seemed ok, and slowly, inexorably, confidently, heaven, heaven, heaven, for the first time in months and months, I lost myself in the moment with him inside me. I had planned that if I came, then I would squeeze him (years of practice otherwise going to waste!) and have him come at the same time. But my satisfaction crept up on me, and I’m feeling a bit guilty to say, I wasn’t really thinking about anything, least of all his satisfaction.

I was just calming down, luxuriating in the feeling of him still moving, even more slowly now, inside me, when he looked at me and said, ‘not fair’. I whispered to ask him if I’d overdone the cream and he said he thought he couldn’t come now even if I wanted him to. I told him that this was my decision not his, and that I thought I had the cream just about right and said, ‘you do want to come, don’t you?’ While he moved slowly, I squeezed him as hard as I could and pinched his nipples and after a minute or so I could tell he was close and I just told him to ‘come for me… now’. Bless him, he even asked, ‘Please, may I?’ but there wasn’t really any point, as by that time he was way past the edge. (Thank you @Huey. That was such good advice!)

We lay chatting for a bit, then after a quick wash, instead of him putting the ring and cage on himself, I did it for him. It’s obviously much easier after he’s come, and it feels deliciously intimate. I love being trusted with manouevering his balls through the hoop! Then there’s the magical, blissful moment the key turns in the lock making me feel confident and in control.

Of course, today, while I’m on cloud nine, I know he’s feeling the after-effects and having a bit of a dip. That wasn’t helped this morning by him opening my bedside drawer to put the cream away and being confronted by Big Bear. The rule about the key to his cage is that he never, ever touches it, even if I drop it. Big Bear is meant to similarly out of bounds unless I give explicit permission, but this morning, I guess without really thinking, he picked it up and held it for a moment. I had to use some stern words and he looked a bit wounded. He just said, ‘it’s big’. I said ‘Monstrous’ and told him that it was my private thing unless I told him otherwise. I packed him off to work reassuring him that last night had felt truly fantastic but with the hormone rollercoaster, I think he’s feeling a bit down and insecure. I know it’ll last a couple of days at most, but still. It’s all so unpredictable, which makes it fun but still scary. For an hour or so this morning I had a bit of a crisis of confidence but am fine now.

Sal

 

The last few days have felt a bit odd. Valentine's day, (and night), was absolutely brilliant. I felt great at the time and fantastic the day after too. I know My Pete enjoyed himself too but the drop afterwards was a bit more than usual. I've noticed that afterwards, he often needs a bit of extra TLC but this time, the morning-after reassurance didn’t quite happen as I’d planned. That’s because when we were tidying up, he came across Big Bear and I berated him a bit for picking it up and holding it without permission. I think at any other time, my words would have just been part of our play, which is how I’d intended it, but then the whole size thing came up again and I had to reassure him a lot about that, and then we got interrupted by him having to go to work. Thank goodness we texted a lot during the day – he was much better when he got home.

But then he asked me again about Big Bear and what it feels like (implying, what it feels like compared with him). All over again, I explained it felt different and nice even, but the main problem with it was that it isn’t actually him. He asked me why I hardly ever let let him touch it and I said that it’s because it’s my thing, not his. (Although when we first got it, he used it on me once, I’d only ever let him hold the base). The real reason is that it’s another thing Laura recommended I’m in control of – ie off-limits without my say-so and a constant reminder– but I didn’t go into that. I said I thought we should just forget about Big Bear for a while and I made a mental note to stick it in a cupboard out of the way. Of course, I forgot about that immediately.

Last night we were looking for matches and while he was getting them from my bedside table he asked again if he could hold Big Bear. I don’t know what came over me but I said that I wanted him to go and get the tiny cage, wear that for a day and then I’d decide. He said that he hadn’t meant to annoy me and that he wouldn’t ask again. I said, perfectly truthfully, that he hadn’t annoyed me, but I still wanted him to swap cages, right then. I said, ‘please don’t argue’ and maintained eye-contact until he looked away, just as Laura taught me. It was one of those moments that a year ago would have completely defeated me but it’s all about confidence. He said, ‘ok’ and I know we both found that moment incredibly erotic. For me erotic and powerful. For him, erotic and squirmy. I unlocked him and off he went to wrangle himself into the tiny, tiny cage. It’s hard not to laugh at it – I managed to suppress that but did smile a bit. He’s hinted at scenarios where I make fun of him when he’s hard, especially when I measure him, but I just don’t want to do that. But when it’s soft and weeny, it feels much more playful and affectionate.

This afternoon, he reminded me he’d been in the tiny cage for nearly a whole day. I asked him how it felt and he said, ‘small’. I asked how it made him feel and he said, ‘small’ again. We lay on the bed for a while, with me resting my hand on the cage (the ‘cagelet’) and chatted for a bit. There was something about it that made him feel to me a bit vulnerable. I asked whether it felt ‘small’ in a nice way or a horrid way and he said, ‘dominated’. When he said the word, my stomach flipped a bit and I could tell we were both excited. I asked him whether that feeling was nice or horrid, and he said he didn’t know! My guess is that it was a bit of both, and I think I felt the same way.

He reminded me that I said I would decide about Big Bear. He said he wanted to use it on me but I said it would have to be on my terms. I asked him to go and warm it up and to strap it on. He didn’t say anything but just looked like a frightened rabbit. I had to remind him what I’d just said, and to make sure it was warmed all the way through. And that while it was warming, he needed to get all the right adaptor bits and pieces sorted, so there would be no fumbling later on. While he was gone – for ages! – I lit a single candle.

When he returned, I had to stifle a laugh. He was still in his weeny-weeny cage but wearing this monstrous, hard thing. The contrast was a bit ridiculous. We lay on the bed, with my hand back on his cage and kissed for a while. Every now and then I caught him peeking at Big Bear, I think out of sheer curiosity. Finally, I asked him to watch while I stroked it. I’ve done this before with the one that’s ‘ordinary’ size, so I knew that I had to imagine that it was completely real and act accordingly. I even applied some lube and did all my best moves. Then I told him it was time for him to have a play. I said to explore it really carefully with his fingers. He really seemed to lose himself in the moment. I tried to be very present, playing with the cage and his nipples and asking him to show me how he plays with himself. He held ‘himself’ with one hand and played with the head with the other, especially that sensitive bit round where everything meets.

I asked him to take me. I had to keep telling him – shouting at one point – to be careful and slow down! It made me feel grateful that this isn’t the size of the real thing. The combination of the monstrous size, and the less than complete control of it being strapped-on rather than real meant there was not much chance of me being satisfied by this. I ask him how it felt for him and he said, ‘mindfuckery times ten to the six’. I said, ‘me too’ and we laughed while I undid him. He asked how it had felt and I said truthfully, ‘not nearly as nice as you, but interesting and fun and exciting”. I asked how he was feeling and he said, ‘dominated, frustrated, weird’.

I explained that it was far too soon after Valentine’s day for him to come but maybe he’d like a stretch and an airing? I unlocked him and just like the last time he was in the tiny-weeny cage, he didn’t immediately spring to attention. I put it in my mouth and absolutely loved the feeling of it starting off tiny and slowly growing there. I let him be hard for a while, gave him a few strokes, and then we put his usual cage back on. He was completely, and I’ve thought about this word a lot, compliant. I felt a little frustrated but thought we had better leave it at that.

We had a kiss and a cuddle and I had a snooze for an hour (and got rid of my frustration, unbeknownst to him) while he went out to some sports thing. I have been wondering whether I'm a domme, or dominatrix, or whether this is just part of my toolkit. I don't suppose it matters really, but when MyPete said he felt dominated, I know we both found that exciting. And that’s been my day.

Sal

 

Thanks for the compliment! And I see what you did there, sliding in a personal question. ;-) I belive I am the same height as Naomi Campbell... Sal

 

Thank you @MSDB321 for the compliment. Reading this back, I realise I come across as much, much more confident than I really feel. I think in that moment, I managed to quell most of my self doubt but I can tell you that there are plenty of times when in that sort of situation I can feel my stomach tying itself in knots. Even reading above what I wrote makes me feel a bit jumpy! In a way though, the squirminess makes it exciting. Thanks again, Sal

 

Great question and I realised I have no idea of the answer! Dominatrix sounds more... 'professional' maybe or old-fashioned? But really, goodness knows. Sal

 

This morning, we were lying around reading the papers and out of nowhere, MyPete said that he couldn't remember when was the last time he'd made himself come. I couldn't tell whether he meant this as a complaint, or a hint or something he was proud of, or if it was just a statement. I said something like, "I suppose that's as it should be, isn't it?" I thought that would allow him to follow up if he wanted to. He just said, "Oh". So I just smiled back and that was that. Useful to know he's thinking this way though - another thing mentally tucked away.
Big day for MyPete tomorrow - he has a meeting with some of the high-ups in his company. He knows it's nothing bad, and very likely good, but he's still a bit nervous. It made me think I should unlock him so he could go off and play with himself to calm himself down but I soon put that thought out of my head and made us some tea instead!
Sal

 

Oh, that's great @Open2njoy - you said, 'how many days"! Days?! When I thought about it, I realised with a bit of a shock that I couldn't remember either. It's certainly weeks rather than days, and actually months rather than weeks. The captions on this site about 'permanent denial', or 'no orgasms' or even 'no unlocking for months at a time', don't really do it for me (that's no criticism - we're all refreshingly different!) He gets quite a bit of airing and stretching. But without really consciously having made a decision about it, I realise I have definitely been long-term denying him making himself come. Although I unlock him fairly often, he hasn't even been able to play with himself in the shower without my supervision. I think that might be one of the reasons that we both found his exploration of Big Bear so exciting...

Without really thinking about it, we've slipped from 'he can't be hard, or come, without my permission and supervision', to 'I'm the only one who can make him come, (and he can only be hard with my supervision)'. It makes my stomach flip thinking about. I expect it does the same for him. Sal