I've been posting a bit since I started my orgasm denial + chastity journey three months ago. The first two weeks were fun and intense, and we both enjoyed it a lot because it was something new for us. We discussed it and decided to try it out. As for the cage, it's been challenging because neither the HT nor the metal cage we have can be worn for extended periods. The metal one started to cause some issues with a vein, and I felt discomfort when touching that area at the bottom of my balls. So, we opted to stick with the Honor System. However, as I mentioned in other posts, chastity is not my main "kink" or lifestyle. I have other preferences that I would enjoy more, but my girlfriend doesn't share the same interest in them. Chastity seems to be the only one that she's finally starting to enjoy. When I had my first orgasm after two months (the others were ruined ones every two or three weeks), I experienced a significant drop, and we ended up having a big fight about it. She expressed that she didn't want to go back to a situation where I masturbated daily or every few days, which she finds unacceptable. While I understand most people might see my masturbation habits as an issue, I don't. It never interfered with my daily routine, I developed this habit because we only had sex once every two weeks or even less frequently. She often feels that she's not enough for me due to my other fetishes, but she never shares them with me, even though they're harmless and easy to engage in. For me, sharing these fetishes with her would be a huge dream come true, as she's always been enough for me. If we had sex more often, I would be happier, but that hasn't been the case. It's important to clarify that we've been together for 17 years, she's my first girlfriend, and we've been together since we were 15. Now, I've decided to continue with orgasm denial because I've convinced myself that I can handle it. However, the issue is that she's not teasing me enough. We recently had another fight about this, and she said she understands that this is a game for both of us, not just me in chastity, so she promised to try teasing me more. However, after a few days, she stopped again. It's starting to feel like teasing me has become the new substitute for having sex with me, even without me having any orgasms. She no longer wants me to satisfy her like in the first few months, and it feels like we're going back to how things were before orgasm denial, except I'm now playing this game on my own and losing the only thing that kept me content with our sex life. It's becoming quite frustrating. At the moment, orgasm denial is making me more frustrated about our relationship rather than increasing my desire to please her. I find myself not relating to many of the stories shared here. Being denied in this context only pushes me further away from her, as I don't want to be constantly waiting for mere seconds of attention from her. Another issue is the time between any orgasms, even ruined ones. I've been having ruined orgasms for the past three years, but without chastity or orgasm denial. Of course, back then, I could masturbate and have a full orgasm whenever I wanted. Maybe I'm weak, but as you mentioned, every person's story is different. That's why I'm starting to think that orgasm denial and chastity could be a game I could share with her during specific periods as a kinky thing. However, I'm realizing that I'm not truly into the mindset of wanting this as a lifestyle. Of course, this issue goes beyond just chastity and orgasm denial. It's related to our relationship and is something we've struggled with for a long time. So, there have been times when I told her that I want to stop it, and she reacts strongly to the idea. But I think it's unfair because it seems like she only wants me denied as a selfish act and to suppress her insecurities about whether she's enough for me or not. This is something I've proven to her countless times, considering we've been together for 17 years, and I'm still deeply in love with her. Given my current circumstances, I believe that orgasm denial is not suitable for me at the moment.
Sounds like you want the freedom to masturbate, choose when to play with the cage, when she plays with you and have access to her body when you want. Sounds reasonable. Happy international Femdom day.
I'm trying to create a conversation here where we both see each other as equals, without me seeing her as a goddess and her not seeing me as a sub. So... Yes, considering I'm playing this game alone, I want to have the freedom to choose when to masturbate and have control over anything concerning my body. In my previous post, I never mentioned that I want to choose when we have sex, because I've never had that option. We only had sex once a month, and it seemed like she did it just to release the pressure she felt because we hadn't had sex. I believe it's healthy for a couple to feel attracted to each other, but I feel like she's not attracted to me anymore. While some people might enjoy this kind of relationship, it's not exactly what I'm looking for. I would be open to an orgasm denial dynamic or even a sub dynamic if I felt that my partner was genuinely attracted to me at some point. As I mentioned, even when she teases me, it feels like a responsibility for her and not something she genuinely enjoys.
Hi, Jay! I'm the one who's always trying to solve this kind of issues on our relationship. For her, if I don't talk about it, she'll never talk about it.
Really think sitting down with your girlfriend and having a "How can we make this better for both of us?" conversation should happen. Why does she not bring up the subject herself? Is there something she does not want to talk about for some reason?
Hi, Anasyrma! Thank you for your neutral comment on this. Yes, I totally agree that it should be the best way. Putting chastity and orgasm denial aside, we're talking about our relationship. I tried this several times in the last 5 years, approx. Her answer is always: "for you everything is not enough". What she says is that I'm always proposing new things to spice up our sex life. Chastity was the last one and the first one that kinda made it. I have to admit that I enjoyed the first months, but now it frustrates me A LOT that she enjoys this because she can make me stop coming up with new things in bed. Because the dynamic is "you just stay there, and if I want, we do something", now it's almost lock and forget. I told her about this and how I feel and the only I got was that she don't want to go back and that's it. I mean, I can stop it whenever I want, even if she don't want to. It kinda makes me sad that she's not attracted to me anymore, but we're still in our relationship because we've been together for so many years that we're ok outside the bed.
That's because, like most men, you are thinking with your dick. As mentioned above, you need to talk with her more, find out what drives and interests her. There is the possibility that you are simply not sexually compatible and that what you want and what she wants simply won't work.
What I am hearing from this is she thinks you an overly high sex drive compared to hers. What would make her happy? Maybe find out what can you do for her first before asking about yourself. Why does she feel stressed about having sex? Is she concerned about her feelings, your feelings, or both? What can you do to reassure her that she doesn't have to feel stressed about it? Help her understand that all you want to do is understand her position and feelings about it. Just listen without solving the problem. I'm in a similar sexless situation with my wife and I am trying to crack the nut as well...
I have years trying to solve and find what she wants. She just lost sexual interest with the years. I would do anything for her. But she doesn't want anything sexual from me. We just have (had, before chastity) from time to time, and it always felt that she did it just to please me. And I always asked her and offered her everything. As you said, I think that we're not sexually compatible anymore (+our relationship).
For us chastity has settled down to complete oral servitude from me, I haven't been uncaged in my gf's presence in over a year. It's a bit harsh but without the oral servitude I don't think I'd be interested. Other than that sometimes i do feel a little locked and forgotten but i would never have ageed to buying a cage in the first place if i didn't think life would be a bit like this. Is that something you both still enjoy? You might be onto something if you can connect with each other in this way.
I’m going to agree with the Jays on this one. You need to communicate more… But you need to STOP communicating about sex. I’m hearing a lot about what you want and need from this, which is fair, but I’m also hearing that she is happy with this situation. You’ve been together for a long time, so there is definitely something between you two. She is attracted to you. Why she isn’t wanting more sex? Maybe it’s simply that you don’t make her feel that way. You’ve got yourself into bad routines. So, stop trying to push your agenda on her, as that will drive her further away, much like the rejection is pushing you from her. Put time aside. Massage her. Talk to her. Chat away about irrelevant things. Keep in your mind that nothing is going to happen and you’ll soon see that it’s really not that important. I’ve been there, Chastity is the best solution to it all. I don’t propose new things anymore. I’m grateful for the little interactions. The 20 seconds of sexual intimacy. That’s not to say that it doesn’t help with the other stuff… Anal has been off the table since the first few months with my wife, last night we had nothing planned at all. I massaged her and as I was doing so I saw the “sex dice”. She rolled them blindfolded. It was a good night. Yet, she asked to turn over for a back massage but kept rolling the dice. When the ‘penis or vagina’ dice rolled I said I can’t do that now… obviously being a man, I improvised. I rimmed her for the first time in 5 years. It aroused her so much she turned over and allowed full penetrative sex (with orgasm). Now that may sound tame to some (even me two years ago), but imagine that happening organically. How much better that experience felt? I could have asked. She could have happily forced herself to allow this and then taken my in her ‘wrong un’, but that would have been for me. It’s better this way. My advice: find a cage that works. It will reinstall the kink into the situation and fulfill your need for ‘fetish’. Then put your needs on the back burner and think of hers…. You’ll soon start getting what you want from all of this.
What’s her love language? Seems yours is touch and affection (sex). Maybe ask what you can do to make her happy outside the bedroom. It might not even be related to sex for her. It may be that you’re not giving her what she needs. Which makes them not want to do what you need.
Couples therapy is probably your best bet, certainly a better bet than asking a bunch of horny men on an internet forum.
When I read your post and comments, I see an imbalance in the relationship. There are many more "me" and "I" statements than "she" and "her". Generally speaking, most women need to be aroused outside the bedroom. It can be a real challenge even after many years of being together to know and understand them and then act upon that knowledge consistently. Acts of service may not speak to her. You will really need to know what turns her on and motivates her. It likely will be nothing that is sexual. Companionship, gifts, non-sexual touch, words of affirmation over and over and over again. Focus on the non-sexual entirely. If you can't figure it out or she doesn't seem to be responding, a good counselor can help. If you love her like you say, insist on getting help. She could have emotional trauma that suppresses her desire for physical intimacy. She may also be triggered when you initiate sexually because of your history and her being uncomfortable with some of the kink. No two people are compatible sexually. It's finding out how they tick and then seeking to satisfy that itch that makes the journey so worthwhile.
Oh, Gosh. Not trying to be rude here, but you don’t need all these things: Don’t try and read into what category she fits into. You should know her better than anyone, if you don’t chastity will assist you with a time to discover her truly. She is unique. Don’t ask her to read a book and categorise herself, she will lean to what she feels she wants to be. She’ll change as quickly as her moods… but you should understand that, if you don’t chastity will assist you with a time to discover this truly. Does a counsellor help? Maybe. It gives an open space for her to voice herself. It will only help if you listen. Why can’t you do that yourself? Why can’t you create a space to discuss her emotions? It’s because you’re focussed on your sexual needs. (Ps. I’m aware you’re on a site about sexual stuff and therefore only talking about those needs, and her reactions… but there’s more than that.) Possibly, but it’s in your hands. I want to add to my previous advice… what everyone would probably say if they actually thought about it clearly: Get your head out your ass and start thinking about her needs for a second. Also, you started by saying that masturbation is not an issue… but I’m assuming you masturbate to porn? Which, clearly creates unrealistic expectations of what we think is a desirable sex life. All that fetish, it didn’t come from your own creation. You exposed yourself to it.
My point still stands, and I understand where you are coming from. I do wish for more communication from my other half, and it is difficult at times. I get that you've come here and vented, and that's good. But keep trying. Don't masturbate to porn, it doesn't help her image of your relationship. You are in to something here, show some patience and try to think carefully about how you communicate. Words are very important.
If you and she were writing a book about your lives, would the stories match? She may not see the partnership in the way you do. Couples therapy, or a counselor will help you each to understand the other's story. To get there you will have to get real with yourself and her about what you expect of this relationship. It sounds like you both may be unhappy and need to find understanding. This is the next obstacle in your book. I wish you the best in getting through it.
Hi Fhex - Your situation sounds so much like mine when I was in my 30s. Long story short, after a few hundred attempts by both of us to "fix" it, when things didn't stay improved, I just went elsewhere to get what I thought I deserved at home. Try to avoid that route, of course. This is where I was at, except that my wife didn't enjoy any kink whatsoever. The chastity was a pragmatic thing that I introduced when she was worried and upset about me traveling on a particular trip. This is quite normal. I don't know how to say it, but sometimes you need an extra measure of patience. But also learn to explain things in a way that doesn't make her feel defensive. Good luck; I'm still learning this. Basically, you want her to understand your position, without feeling blamed or guilty for it. If she's your partner, she'll want to help solve it with you. It sounds like she's an awesome lady, so I think you'll find your way through this tricky maze. One possibility to ask her about is allowing you to masturbate with her. Let her know that you understand she may not be in the mood for sex, or even jerking you off, but that you would consider any form of intimacy with her, and you'd rather have intimacy with her than without her. (I'm suggesting this, but I've never tried it myself.) But I'd also strongly suggest that you work really extra super hard on listening, even if you think you're already good at it. I thought that I was a good listener, but boy was I wrong as I look back now. So many clues I missed. So many things I didn't hear. It seems to be a problem with males in general, and I had it really bad. Ask thoughtful questions, but then make sure to focus 100% on what she's saying when she responds. Try not to respond to things until she has said what she wants to say. I'm 100x better at listening than I used to be, which is a surprisingly effective turn-on for my wife. But I still need to improve in this area dramatically -- whenever she realizes that I wasn't listening well enough, it crushes her. All I'm suggesting here is to work extra hard at listening while you are going through this struggle of yours, and you may hear some clues that help you to unlock the puzzle.
I think she loves you and is attracted to you, but something has caused her to feel less desire to be with you sexually. If I had to guess, I’d say it’s your masturbation and constantly pushing your sexual fetishes on her, she probably thinks you’re selfish, that you don’t care about her pleasure, and that you’re always fantasizing about other women. Asking her to stop chastity is only feeding her fears and insecurities. You say she doesn’t tease you, but what are you doing to demonstrate to her that you’re deserving of that? Are you constantly pampering her with romantic gestures? Examples: Buying her flowers, buying her lingerie, giving her massages, bubble baths, pedicures, cooking her dinner, waiting on her hand and foot. Remember, focus on her pleasure, both sexual and non-sexual, express extreme excitement and gratitude for any attention she does give you, be patient with her, and demonstrate to her your commitment to staying chaste for her because it’s what she desires. Do all of these things while making it clear to her that you expect nothing in return and will be happy with whatever she gives you, so she doesn’t feel the pressure to reciprocate or that you’re only doing this to get something from her. They need to all be selfless acts of appreciation and adoration with her pleasure being the sole purpose. If you do this, you’ll be surprised at how much she’ll warm up to being more affectionate with you.
A lot of good advice above. Please don't ignore the ones that "bite" a little as I think there is some well intentioned advice there, too. Food for thought. My wife is very sexual, so perhaps my experience won't apply, but I learned after a while that she seldom initiates communication and it is my responsibility to tell her how I feel. Also learned that she loves it. I almost cannot say too much. Statements like "Sorry babe, but this cage just causes me to think about you non stop", "I can only fantasize about you now", "Your control is the sexiest thing I have ever experienced", etc. turn her on to no end. Sometimes this opens the door for more discussion, and this is when I can tell her "I really want to serve you sexually right now, but if that is not in the cards can you give me a little tease or maybe a stretch tonight?". The important point is to speak honestly, sharing your feelings without ever telling her what to do. It certainly helps me to get some attention when I am feeling down. During one of our early talks I brought up the concern that, by locking me, she has ramped up my sex drive while simultaneously reducing her "need" for sex. Her answer? "Well, I guess you should take the hint: it is now up to you to find a way to get me aroused every day" and from that we discussed that it is ok for me to massage her, cuddle her, and at least try to get her excited every single day. It doesn't always work but she loves the attention, I love the permission to be affectionate, and it is great motivation for me to find new ways to get her to respond. And when it does work all is right with the world... I also think you need to find a cage that you can actually wear 24/7. It takes a lot of work but when she genuinely has power she might be more turned on. My wife is for sure.