When he wants a break . . . but She wants to keep going.

I'm confused. In paragraph one there's a reference to "my husband", but profile is I'm a guy.

A

 

I can tell you what works for me ..... simple acts of domination.

Example
1. Tell him to get you a glass of wine. As you casually sip it, have him remove your clothes from the waist down. Taunt him with your nakedness. Then make him provide oral service, just to prove who has the power.

 

What does he say he wishes would happen in these situations? He should take a bit of time to really think it over and then tell you if yes, when he thinks hard about it he kind of wants you to just be directive and make him do it. If he thinks about it and says no, I really don’t then honestly honey, it’s not your problem. Unless he’s an abusive person your body is still yours to control so just like if he were in chastity you can still deny him sexual attention or access to your body.

 

Doesn't male chastity start at the point where she wants it more than he does?

 

Ah, thanks for clearing this up.

I think you guys need to sit down and have a time time. Talk and figure out what you both want out of it, your expectations and agree on the limits. Lets face it us guys (on here) whilst locked want the keyholder to say "no", that's the thrill of not being in control, but many cannot manage to do that long term.

A

 

What to do, depends on what you agreed on. And dealing with the time, when "he isn't in the mood" will also show the difference between "d/s kink play time" and a relationship where she has the lead or the option to do so, if she wants.
I have also thinking about those situations because it involves two major problems:
1. I don't want her to do something which she doesn't want, for example "forcing" me to do something when I am not in the mood and maybe she just don't want to force me, she just want that I follow our chosen relationship dynamic, me beeing the sub.
2. If she feels that I am not the submissive in the situation where she wants it, but just when I want it, she might feel "not right" which is totally stupid, as it's my problem, not hers.

If you're man is truly interested in beeing submissive he can only show that he is so, when he isn't in the mood or when he doesn't agree to something. Being the submissive when everything is according to his rules is easy

We also have the same problems, that I sometimes have other priorities in mind and it seems that its not always possible to find a good solution within the situation, it helps having a chat about it afterwards and think about options what could be improved next time. Also making clear, that as a submissive he agrees to Consensual Non-Consent might give you the confidence that its totally OK, of its about you and just about you in those situations where "he is not in the mood".
No punishment, not much talking (in this situation). It comes back to a simple question: is he your sub or not, more precise is he _willing_ to be submissive?
What could help in those situations: a clear keyword/keyphrase linke " I want this now" vor maybe rituals as "motion -> emotion".
It's not about beeing perfect the first time, but to improve slightly.
But in the end the question is, if you two want the same a FLR, which will never be 24x7 like some of the femdom stories here, but which will help you resolving those situations, where he "doesn't want to".

Pretty short but excellent definition

Feathers.sub

 

Then you keep going. That’s it, end of discussion!

 

There's also your feelings to consider. A dynamic that's randomly on/off sounds difficult to maintain, and ultimately puts you in a subordinate position.

Perhaps you need to make a distinction between dynamic and play? Dynamic is real - you in charge, perhaps him in routine chastity - is continuous, but things like humiliation and femdom "scenes" are play and require both of you to be in the mood.

 

i think he is being very bad cos when he wanted You to lock him up and You was not all that interest in it You still done it for him. If i was like him my Mistress wud be very angry with me. Next time he wants You to do things for him You shud say No to him and teach him a lesson.

 

I initiated and introduced chastity and femdom to my wife, it was all my idea. Once she understood what I was asking for she was very intrigued and sunk her teeth in. It was a slow bite down but I’m firmly ensnared as her chaste boy now. I have taken breaks on and off over the last 8 years and they have always been my idea and never hers and she’d prefer I didn’t take them. The breaks have been for various reasons but ultimately I think each time I was feeling like my wife wasn’t giving me the attention I needed to feel like I needed to, to want to stay in chastity. Then each time I’d come crawling back and lock up to where she happily takes the key. My wife will make mention of me not being in my cage but she will not push me to lock back up. This last time I was out for a month on my own volition and she just let me do my thing. I was brooding and a little depressed about stupid stuff, I eventually came around and locked back up. We had a good conversation afterwards and I opened up to her more about what was bothering me. Ultimately we decided if I needed a break from cage we would discuss it first and what’s going on before I just take action into my own hands. After all this was a promise I made to her. I promised I’d be locked when she wants me locked and it’s not a gift I’m just allowed to take back even when things aren’t going the way I want them too. So moving forward I think this will open our communication with each other even more avoiding me from having my cage off for extended periods.

 

Mmmm, what is long term?

 

@Disciplined Boyfriend has it correct, you need to talk.

Why isn’t he in the mood? Is there something else going on that you should know about? He might have a good reason if you can get him to talk.

How does he want you to respond when he says this? Is it a hard stop, or is he challenging you?

How do you feel when he says no, after you have spent the time to embrace the lifestyle? He needs to hear it.

Like everything else in a relationship, there will be wrinkles to work out. Setting a regular schedule to talk over coffee or a glass of wine will help get over those bumps and a lot of other issues as well. It sounds like he has a willing partner and the potential for a lot of fun ahead. That is pretty great for a long term marriage!

 

Everyone above made good points but sort of miss the mark.. If he has had enough and needs to take a break then he takes a break. There may be a cost involved and I would support good communication prior but if he is done for a while or really hates the way things are going then its done.

 

Sure, but then the whole D/s relationship must be questioned. Being a sub doesn't mean that you're just being submissive when you want to.
It's totally fine to disagree with a decision which has been made by the dom partner but the sub should follow and still have a discussion/talk about it afterwards. A caring dom in a healthy rekationship will neither harm the sub nor the relationship.

Feathers.sub

 

This is interesting. I introduced chastity to my wife and she has embraced it. We had recently been on a break as I had an abrasion from not lubricating cage and needed to heal. Well, after a week it was looking so much better, but not 100%. I asked her to give him more time free and she agreed. After a while he was totally fine and I was liking the freedom. Partially I couldn’t get back in subspace and kept making excuses not to be locked.

Finally Queen K had enough and called BS on me and I got locked again. Within a week of being locked I was back in subspace and realized she knows best. She probably should have punished me, but didn’t. I have been trying to make it up to her and please her often since.

I guess my point is this. Have him lock up for a week, if he is not wanting it or appreciative after then you respect his wishes. Eventually you both will need to communicate your feeling and decide next steps.

 

I know this situation too. But I only experienced it with my romantic partner now, since there I get no clear signal in wich “mode” I should be. This is because in my playrelationships with three former Mistresses, I always had her presence as the clear sign.

Now with my new partner, we see each other during the day in “day to day” mode and switching into slave mode is hard for me. I desperately hunger for a clear signal from her, but even after speaking about it many many many times, she is not willing to do so.

With signal I mean something like “wearing spechial cloth” or asking me to put kn my mask or asking me to bring my colar to her or asking me to get naked and in position. Some kind of ritual that defines that I just gave up my power for her.

But its all too complicated for her. Too much work.

 

What you wanted went out the window whe you handed her they key.

 

Perhaps but in my estimation ( and I will preface it by saying I am not a sub and would react quite strongly against it) the dom has the right to try and dictate how the relationship goes but the power remains with the sub as the person who can say NO. He/she gives up the power willingly but it isn't a lifetime carte blanche. If he feels things are not going in a way that he can live with then is she in fact a "caring dom in a healthy relationship" or has crossed the line and become power hungry. The sub is also a relationship partner. Also I think D/S relationships should always be questioned. It is a fine line that is walked. Any man with a bit of testosterone will be fighting against his nature to be submissive ( and yes there are some exceptions) and in my experience when pushed over the edge after being pent up for too long will react strongly.

 

I guess I question why he is not in the mood! Does he just want his freedom so he can play with himself & get off? Also, do you tease him frequently in between releases/orgasms to keep him motivated? Maybe the next time he says he's not in the mood, tease him intensely without an O, ruined or otherwise, and then ask him to lock back up. Check in with him the next 24 hours to see how his mood is.

 

I don’t think there’s ever one right answer to this question other than finding the right balance between the two of you. It boils down to the two of you having a conversation about expectations and what’s working and what’s not working for the two of you. Your husband may say he needs more attention from you but it’s up to you to decide whether or not what he is requesting is realistic, I.e. does his request seem like something you could/would want to do or does it seem like more not fun work for you. In the end if what he wants does seem like more of a chore then you should explain to him why it feels that way so he understands but you should be open to compromise to help encourage him to stay caged. With a little bit of compromise and incorporating a few new ideas from both of you to help keep things exciting, might be just what you both need to help your husband stay in that subbie mindset and you in control of the key. Try something new out for a while and see if anything changes with his attitude in terms of locking back up.
In our case we have 2 young children and we don’t have much time or privacy to really express ourselves openly in our house. My wife does little things to show me (grabs my cage, shows a little forcefulness with me) she hasn’t forgotten about me and sometimes that’ll make all the difference in the world I’m terms of how I feel. Sometimes when life becomes stressful and overwhelming my wife will just kind of shutdown intimately and sexually, we’ll go through a couple weeks of what I call inadvertent “total denial” (she wants nothing and I get nothing). It’s not on purpose and not meant to be a punishment, it’s just something that happens on occasion. I do my best to be supportive of her to help her through any rough patches if she’s experiencing anxiety from the stress. I pamper and take care of her but eventually I kind of reach a breaking point and my submissiveness goes away and I mentally withdraw from wanting to feel submissive and any desire to be caged. When this happens, the next time I’m released I might be out for a week or two before I feel those emotions to want to be caged for her but they usually come back pretty strong. Then we can go months before there’s any hiccups with my lockups. There’s no perfect solution for us and I think it’s just the time in our lives right now where intimately and sexually things are just going to be how they’re going to be until the kids get older and we can have more privacy and time alone. I swear it seems like the empty nesters here are the ones that have the most fun with the lifestyle lol.
Anyway, if you really want him to be caged for you all the time then I would sit down with him and come up with a realistic plan of keeping him in the right mindset to keep him caged. On the other hand as some others have mentioned in this thread…. He also might not have understood what he signed on for and can’t handle the cage all the time and may need to be able to have a breather on occasion. This is still something the two of you can discuss and plan for, still giving you the control but giving him enough freedom to remain happy about being in chastity.

 

It's not easy. When I first started controlling hubby's orgasms, it took me a while to understand that there's a huge difference between "denying" and "ignoring". The former can build excitement, the latter can lead to a very negative spiral. Even so, there's a huge gap between realizing how important it is and putting everything into practice, especially with all of life's other distractions.

You'll have to figure out what works best for you as a couple. In our case, something that worked well was to get in the habit of being intimate (even if just in a small way) almost every day. Sometimes it was just a bit of cuddling, or spending a minute kissing before bed. I didn't have to be "in the mood" because it was completely up to me how far we went. Even in the busiest of days, you should be able to find five minutes to connect. The funny thing is that once that habit was established I started thinking about sex a lot more, and these days it's rare for me to go without my daily orgasm.

Words can also be very powerful. Hubby gets a big charge whenever I mention how much I enjoy him remaining caged, or how long I'm going to make him wait for an orgasm. At first, I felt really awkward saying these things. But over time, especially after seeing such wonderful reactions from hubby, it became a lot more natural.

However, I don't want to completely dismiss the other side of this. Perhaps he really does need a break, and that's ok. I really love keeping hubby in chastity, but if he truly needed a break, then we'd take a break. There's nothing wrong with that. The only wrinkle is that I can't always take what hubby says literally. Sometimes he pushes back against something because we're hitting some hard line. Other times it's just because he needs me to be firmer and stricter and can't really admit that. It can be difficult to tell the difference.