My wife wanted to try chastity, I thought she was crazy, and now I have a journal on CM.

Discussion in 'Journals and blogs' started by OrdinaryGuy, May 24, 2024.

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  1. OrdinaryGuy
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    I never thought I'd be here. It was only about a year ago that I reluctantly agreed to get a cage at my wife's request. We both imagined it as an occasional sex toy, though neither of us knew what we were going to do with it during sex because it was designed to prevent most things we did during sex. Which was one of my main objections. How could preventing our intimacy make us more intimate?

    When we tried it, she instantly loved it without reservation and I learned later that she resolved to extend it's use in our relationship. I expected to hate everything about it, and at best I could say I found my feelings very mixed and mostly confusing. It took a few weeks of very casual and infrequent use before I found any part of it actually enjoyable. As we used it more, I acclimated myself to the hardships and tolerated it well -- despite her continuing escalations in what she was asking from me. About a week ago it all came to a head. I freaked out. I came back to CM for help. We spoke. She wants me in for regular periods of 8 weeks at a time for the foreseeable future. I don't know what I want. I told her I wanted out. I'm currently caged and trying to make this work for her.

    WHAT THIS BLOG WILL NOT BE: No offense to people who use this forum this way, I'm not a judgy person. But I will not use this blog as erotic literature. Intimacy between my wife and I is ours only and I have no desire to use it to sexually excite other guys (let alone those who desire to be "chaste" to their wife) by sharing explicit and gratuitous details. I will also draw the line with sharing too much unnecessary personal info. Despite this (anonymous) blog, we aren't very open people.

    WHAT I'D LIKE THIS BLOG TO BE: As I have time, I'll detail my experiences in hopes it helps other people, especially similarly situated people who are trying to understand how to navigate this mess. It can't be linear because I jumped in a year late (and it was a crazy year). But I'll try to recap the highlights and catch everyone up on the formative highlights over the last year. I can share my feelings about how I've been (lovingly) dragged into this situation, how I cope, what she asks of me, what has worked and hasn't and so on.... I am also happy to answer questions, particularly those unique to my situation.

    The more this stuff is found to be helpful and interesting by the community, the more I will be inclined to update it. If you are still reading this and are interested, give me time to catch up on the last year as best I can. It was a LOT of changes for us.
     
  2. BavarianWoman
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    BavarianWoman I rule

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    How long did you go chaste during your last year of experimentation?
     
  3. OrdinaryGuy
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    It varied. Here's the summary:

    Beginning: We started playing with short term (maybe a day or two) orgasm denial a bit before getting a cage, then we added the cage, mostly as a form of foreplay. I did a week here and there at a time.

    Big shift 4 months in: At that point I completed about a month caged with no orgasms (but it was removed every 1-3 days for an hour or so for our fun time together).

    Then we settled in: We had a fairly regular routine of 7 to 10 days caged before my next orgasm with unlocking occasionally halfway through for tease and denial fun-time. We did a few rounds of longer term stuff, 2 and 3 weeks here and there.

    2nd big shift: Not too long ago I went my longest at 35 days. Mostly locked. Our play-time increased to nearly every day but I was unlocked for it only once a week, and sometimes for only a few minutes of the session.

    Where we are now: After giving me a week off without the cage, she told me her goal is to do a regular locked schedule of 8 weeks at a time with relatively few unlocks in between. I'm on my second week of that and am trying to accommodate her.

    For comparison: My whole life I probably came 300 times a year. I had just over 30 orgasms last year.
     
  4. BavarianWoman
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    Thanks for your post.
    The both of you seem to have gathered some experience about it in the last year. Going five weeks orgasm free seems to me already advanced and interrupting for fun time sounds just right. Going back to the cage after that without an orgasm seems to me that you are comitted to that lifestyle and that you are really into making your wife happy.

    Your future plans are around eight weeks. If I interpret it correctly, you seem to have difficulties with the eight weeks. Did I got that right?
     
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  5. OrdinaryGuy
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    Let me explain a bit more, because that isn't exactly all correct. My apologies, but it requires a lengthier explanation:

    I shutter to think of this as a new lifestyle. I am really not prepared mentally for that at all. I am taking it day-by-day. I haven't been prepared for any of this, but over time and with her encouragement, I began to appreciate parts of it. If she wanted to stop tomorrow, I think I'd pop open a bottle of champagne and then jerk off immediately, and then resume our normal sex life again!

    However, I am (and have always been) committed to my wife and making her happy.

    That part is true. But this chastity thing (which we used to call a game, but it isn't anymore) is a big thing for her to have asked from me. I eventually came to tolerate it and then I even started to like parts of the 7 to 10 days. We had some real fun with that! That was the period when I began telling her that there were actually parts of it that I enjoyed. Before that I complained a lot and really struggled with it. She kept asking me to give it a chance, and built me up to it. I told her she was right about a lot of it. I did eventually come to really appreciate what we were doing at the time.

    But you see, she kept escalating things with no end in site. Constantly encouraging me to do more. Nothing ever seemed enough and she always talked about longer and longer times. Hints mostly... "Imagine if we started doing 2 weeks every time?" Things like that. And she was sweet about it, not demanding at all. Super happy when I told her something was working for me, but really disappointed when it wasn't. I was motivated to make her happy and kept trying. I started to feel really comfortable with the 7-10 day routine and I told her that.

    She was very excited to hear that I was now comfortable with the routine, so she asked me to go 4 weeks next time. And long story short, I did. At the end, she asked how I was, and I said I was doing well. She was so unbelievably happy to hear that (she really lit up and I love her smile), that she asked me to go one more week because I did so well with the 4 weeks that she thought I could finally reach 5 weeks. (A goal I almost hit at the 4 month mark, but just missed. This time I did it.

    Then she gave me a week off. After that week, she said "now that you've been unlocked for so long" I want you to go 6 weeks before I think about when to let you cum again. That's when I freaked out and posted in the main forum. After we spoke about it, she revealed her long term plan was to get me on an 8 week schedule as quickly as possible. She admitted she rushed me, but wanted me to try it because she thought I was ready. And afterwards, she really hopes I can keep doing 8 week intervals with "as few unlocks as possible."

    My biggest difficulty was not with the 8 weeks. It was that I didn't knowing her end game. Did she want me to eventually go 3 months? 6? A year? Did she never want me to cum again? She always seemed to take it further. Now that I know it is 8 week periods and no more, I am not as scared and am really making an effort. If I can do it and she's happy, then it will probably be our future. I want to give this to her. I just don't know if I can.
     
  6. OrdinaryGuy
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    After posting that long response I realized I could have probably summarized it better for those who don't want to read the whole thing...

    1. I don't like to think of it as a lifestyle because I still can't believe I'm doing any of this now, let alone for the foreseeable future.

    2. I have gotten used to edging and then re-locking and it is one of the things I began to appreciate and enjoy. She was right about that.

    3. I'm not thrilled about 8 weeks, but I'll do it for her. Doing 8 weeks every time? I don't know yet. My main problem wasn't that she asked for that, it was that I never knew how much worse it was going to get. If I did 8 this time, was 12 next? Or 6 months or a year? I didn't understand how far she wanted to take this and it freaked me out. Now that I know, I am giving it a shot.
     
  7. BavarianWoman
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    If I understand it correctly, you feel to be pushed to far, to soon. Possibly denied completely. I can understand your feelings.
    We are playing the lifestyle for a bit more than a year now, are currently at around monthly releases. We are increasing by one day each time. That does not sound much but leads to quite some intervals over time. Maybe your and our play are currently quite some similiar.
    My advice, talk to her. You want to please her, but you are concerned. Is there a way that works for both of you. Maybe increas slower. Good luck.
     
  8. BavarianWoman
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    If it is not fun to you anymore or at least right now, you definitely need to talk.
    Consent is king.
     
  9. OrdinaryGuy
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    Thank you. An increase of one day each time would certainly add up to long periods. I imagine the certainty helps him prepare himself for the commitment, as difficult as it may be.

    My wife and I did talk after my recent panic. We reached a compromise that I think may be achievable. These are the main points:

    1. She doesn't want to keep going for longer and longer periods. Her goal is 8 weeks at a time on a regular basis.

    2. I care more about how many orgasms I get to have and she cares more about keeping me waiting for long periods for me. So after every 8 weeks, she is going to give me a 5 to 7 day break to cum as much as I want/can. (We arrived at that number because I had about 30 orgasms this year and I managed okay. She was planning on only 6 per year and I'm not okay with that. But I could have the same 30+ yearly orgasms if I have the 6 week-long breaks over the year.

    3. She will stop anytime I say I can't do it (of course). But she asked that I wait one more day afterwards before the unlock in case I change my mind. She's right about that. I do tend to panic briefly and then get in a better mindset after I calm down. I committed to really try to give this to her.

    The only thing we didn't agree on is that she said if I got comfortable with 8 weeks at a time, could we try to do 12 weeks one time this year. I said I was not willing to think about that right now.
     
  10. OrdinaryGuy
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    I never thought any of her requests sounded fun before I tried them. I eventually discovered that I did like some aspects of it, after giving it a chance. But it didn't come naturally or quickly to me. If it was up to me, we would just go back to having regular sex all the time as we always had. And I really miss masturbating. (Something I'll add, she never previously had a problem with).

    HOWEVER, I did consent and never felt coerced by her. She hinted and suggested often and made it clear what brings her joy. I agreed to try it in attempt to please her. The problem was that every time she wanted more, it left me feeling like I didn't satisfy her, even though I worked hard to complete her last request.

    We are still trying to figure this out. Marriages always get tricky when one partner suddenly decides they want something that the other doesn't. Let alone when it's something way out in left field like chastity. Best I could do was listen, understand, and try. That's what I'm doing. Just trying to make both of our needs mesh together.

    As for the talking, we are better at it now. In the beginning, all I did was complain and it disappointed her to hear I was having trouble. So she stopped asking about it and figured if I wasn't complaining things were good. When I started having positive things to say about it, we would talk more. But I don't mention every problem every day because it would disappoint her and I am very fickle with this stuff day-to-day. So I wait until she brings it up (usually about halfway through each lock-up) and then I discuss the main things that actually remain important. That's how we got to our recent compromise.
     
  11. OrdinaryGuy
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    ENTRY 1: WHO WE ARE

    So I think the journal needs to start with us before all of this craziness began.

    Great relationship. No major issues. We get along like any average couple. Fights were infrequent and we got over them fast. Married over 25 years.

    Sex was always normal. Frequent (1 to 3 times a week probably is our average), but not adventurous at all. Neither of us have had any complaints and considered ourselves to have a very healthy sex life.

    We both were okay with one another masturbating solo between our time together. I was used to cumming nearly everyday. She has always had a very high libido and has always been a 2 to 5 orgasms per session kind of person. We had a routine and we liked it. A few basic go-to positions. Occasional oral. No toys, games, role play, dirty talk or kinks of any kind. Just good old fashioned foreplay and sex. No one in charge, we just had fun.

    We are both healthy and fit. She's not a domme, but a kind and gentle person who also has a strong character. I am not a beta. But I'm also not a bull-headed alpha-ego guy. I am highly competitive but not a jerk. We share in household duties. She tends to be more quiet. I vary based on my mood. I'm physically a lot larger than her petite frame by nearly 100 pounds and it's mostly muscle.

    She's had ongoing extended family issues for years. Took a lot of family counseling to work through. Things came to a head about a year ago. She had enough. She stopped the counseling, rolled up her sleeves and handled a 30 year problem flawlessly. Over a month's time you could see the weight lifted. I supported her. And we grew so much closer. She opened up and told me so much more about what she was carrying. And then suddenly all of these old problems just went away.

    This decades old drama was no longer in our lives and it was just us. We did everything together. Sex and intimacy skyrocketed. I loved seeing her so happy and free.

    I got the nerve to suggest we buy a sex toy for her. She was hesitant but open to the idea. We browsed Amazon and ordered a little hand-held egg vibrator. We acted like we had done the kinkiest thing anyone has ever done...
     
  12. denied_one
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    I remember this feeling well! my Wife and I got this same type of toy for Her, as our first toy as well. circa 2004 But we walked into our local lingerie boutique and went "to the back" behind the wooden swinging doors where only 21 and up were allowed lol! We felt kinky for sure lol
     
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  13. Curious40ish
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    Great read.
     
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    Your journal sounds like a breath of fresh air. I'm looking forward to seeing how you progress. Have you asked her why 8 weeks? Why is that 'number' so important over say 4 weeks etc? I am always curious when I see a wife who wants their guy to go longer and longer with no end in sight.

    Also- you really need to read Headtrip's journal. You might consider it a road map for the path you seem to be on.
     
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  15. OrdinaryGuy
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    #15 OrdinaryGuy, May 25, 2024
    Last edited: May 25, 2024
    Thank you for the recomendation. I just did a search and like the 2nd post of his I read really started to freak me out again... I'm going to read more from him, eventually, but I don't think I'm ready to hear about where he is right now. I'm telling myself everyone does this differently... I can't see myself being where he is right now.
     
  16. anasyrma
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    Thanks for your frank and honest post. We appreciate your openness. All I really want to say is that I think you are very lucky to have a wife who is not only willing to deny you, but even initiated the experience. It is interesting that the intimacy increases when some aspects of it are taken away.
     
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  17. denied_one
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    I'm telling ya man, everyday seems to be different. I have been freaking out for about two days now, just after I was super encouraged and even encouraging you! This is a fickle thing, idk how I'm even gonna make it as long as my Wife wants to go. This is a roller coaster
     
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  18. OrdinaryGuy
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    Kind words. In my mind, the best situation is when both partners are aligned and satisfying each other is super easy to do. That was always how my wife and I used to be. Now I feel like it is hard to please her and that we are not aligned on this pretty major part of our current lives. So it doesn't seem so lucky ATM. But we have a good relationship and we are each trying to get what we want through the other person's enjoyment too. So hopefully we will end up in a great place.
     
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  19. OrdinaryGuy
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    I have to say I've been in a better mood. Which is surprising because the cage has stayed on for days now without removal and I've gotten no play-time from her. Very unusual for us. Tons of non-sex time together, and I've been able to give her at least a dozen orgasms over the last few days. But nothing at all for me. But I still feel pretty good right now. It's crazy that "at least" 6 weeks was shocking, but now that I know it's definitively 8 weeks, with a period of normalcy at the end, I am settling in.

    Still waiting for the part where I start to think not cumming at all for this long will feel super great that you all keep telling me is going to happen! ;)
     
  20. Zevon
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    Great advise. I am duly impressed with all that you have done in just one year, a far shorter learning curve than most of us. It is pretty amazing. Love Munich, one of the few cities we actually seek out (we much prefer the countryside) , and have good friends who live there. Met them in 1983. He was running a Gasthof in Oberamergau , right on the Tyrol border. He has visited us twice here in Virginia. Unfortunately , both are older than us and in poor health, so not really sure we will get to see them again. Keep doing what you are doing, and admirable you are so helpful to all those who seek help on this site.
     
  21. Zevon
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    Hav
    Have patience, and as Bavarian Woman said, keep communicating. You are doing that , and clearly have a good relationship, so I see no reason it won't all work out. I've certainly had my limits pushed beyond what I ever dreamed of after coaxing my wife into a BDSM then mistress lifestyle, and chastity has evolved along the way to the point my wife is more like yours. I'd rather play with it too, but she very much wants it to be the default position. She has no set time limits, and is very reasonable, pulling me out not just when she wants to play, but immediately when there is any "something is not right" issue. Wants to protect her property.
    Good luck and trust her. You chose each other for a reason.
     
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  22. BavarianWoman
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    BavarianWoman I rule

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    Many thanks for your lovely post.
     
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  23. NowIveDoneIt
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    Tell her exactly what you just wrote. MC is a major thing in a relationship. And since you come from a healthy sex life (I did NOT), there is a lot to lose so make sure she is cognizant of that.
     
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  24. Contained
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    I really like your compromise you worked out. Bravo.
     
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  25. Rectrix
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    You say "no play-time" and "[t]ons of non-sex time together" but that you've given her at least a dozen orgasms. Sounds like plenty of sex to me! It's better to give than receive. Have you noticed the constanr smile on her face? You need to learn the pleasure of sharing her wonderful multiple female orgasms.
     
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