Help Getting my wife over the guilt

Tell her she should feel guilty for giving you orgasms too frequently because they mess with your hormones and will make you an unhappier person in the long run.

Have you and your wife read The Secret to a Happy Marriage ? The key is finding a release schedule that works for you. See the "When to Allow Release" page. My wife teases me frequently. That really helps keep my hormone levels up. We've found that longer denial periods are best... i.e. more than 2 weeks between orgasms. Occasionally we break this rule and I'm fine. But I've gotten out of whack.... depressed, irritable.... from having orgasms every 2 weeks over the course of 2 months.

The only 2 things she should feel guilty about are:

1. Not teasing you frequently
2. Not keeping you denied / orgasm free long enough

Because both will cause hormone imbalances that will make you unhappy and difficult to live with. She, on the other hand, can have orgasms as often or as infrequently as she wants and it won't negatively affect her.

This will lead to greater intimacy for both of you. You will both enjoy her orgasms much more because sex is not tied to your orgasms. She will enjoy more frequent pleasure and you will begin to crave her pleasure.

Just be sure you give her greater emotional intimacy through words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time that she enjoys, and physical touch that she appreciates (grabbing her ass may be a big turn off).

 

Your situation is very common indeed and there is lots of information about it on this website.

There is no real simple one-size-fits-all solution, so you may have to try lots of different ways to get the message across to your wife.

Most guys only care about their own orgasms and that is how we, as men, are expected to be. So it's nice and simple for a woman....if she wants to please her man... just make him cum. That is probably how your wife thinks, so being "selfish" and having her own orgasms and not letting you have yours (or at least restricting them), seems wrong and she feels guilty about doing that.

You could ask her, just before sex, if she'd mind if you didn't cum this time and if she would keep you locked in your cage. Tell her that you want this session to be all about you giving her pleasure, without any need for her to reciprocate. After that session, give her lots of very positive reinforcement. Tell her the next day how much you enjoyed it and how much you love her. Maybe buy her some flowers, or chocolates, etc. Whatever she likes.

Assuming that she enjoys that experience and sees, very clearly, that you enjoyed it too, she may start to think a bit differently. Then it's a question of repeating it as often as you can. Once she gets used to the idea, she may be happy to take control of your orgasms and accept her own orgasms as being the top priority.

Your wife has had a whole lifetime of learned behaviour, so it is quite a hurdle to get across and it can take a long time. I have been down this road myself and I have far fewer orgasms now than I used to, however, she still feels the need to give me orgasms too, but it is her decision. All I really want is to be completely under her control and I feel that I am. I have to accept what she wants.

I wish you every success and, if the above doesn't work for you, you will have lots of other suggestions from other people.

 

I think first establish whether her allowing you to climax is actually a result of guilt.
If she is saying ‘I have sex with you because I feel guilty if I don’t’. Well that’s not healthy in a relationship…
Im not disrespecting you by this comment, as I think we’ve all fallen to the same conclusion, but assuming your partner is releasing you out of guilt is a lazy assumption.

There’s many reasons why she may want you out of the cage and each reason would take a different approach to overcome. It could be habitual, for her pleasure, a hidden distaste etc. etc.

My advice would have a long hard think about what you get from being chaste. Be honest with yourself, and then translate this to your wife. If she is embarking in chastity at all for your pleasure she ultimately will want to make it work.

 

As others have said - have her read the Secret to Happy Marriage (changed my wife’s viewpoint totally)… also recognize it takes time. It’s taken my wife and I about 10 years to get where we are today and for her to have zero guilt about things. Once your wife understands it’s “ok” to say no and that’s what you actually crave, she’ll start to lose the guilt - some faster than others.

Second thing - again as others mention, totally open and honest communication about your relationship and with and to one another is key as well, and no one can tell me otherwise. If your relationship isn’t already sturdy, chastity isn’t a “quick fix”, but it can totally enhance and enrich a solid foundation once both partners understand what they each get out of things. Culture doesn’t teach the women to take the lead and that’s something that takes time for her to establish in her mind…only time will solve that.

good luck on your journey…it’s a wild ride and remember it’s a marathon, not a sprint!

 

Even though my wife's desires are infrequent at times, so there are often times when she requires nothing herself, she has still and is still taken/taking a long time to understand and also lose the guilt of denying me. When they start getting there, then it gets scary... lol. Communication is very important. A letter may help you get it planned out in your head, even if you vocalise it later.

 

It's a mindset shift. Society says men must orgasm/ejaculate all the time. And women by default believe that's what they need to do, and it's bad/unfair not to let/help him to do it.

BUT, as men, we should be able to take control over our sexual energy and ejaculation. It's sooooo much fun to have control and decide whether to be sexually charged up (for hours/days/weeks/months at a time). And to decide (with her command) whether I ejaculate at any given time. It's fun to have to hold back when I'm at the peak of pleasure and feel like I absolutely must cum. Only to back down and go for another few weeks...of teasing and denial.

It's also been fun to learn how to be sustained at 12 out of 10 of pleasure and not ejaculate but to be under her control and hold back for half an hour/an hour at a time in pure ecstasy.

She is helping you to learn this mindset and the associated skills. She's your partner in learning to master your sexual energy and use it for yourself and for her. And to help your strong masculinity blossom for the good of your relationship. This is likely a perspective she has never thought of, but the opening of a completely different world of experiencing pleasure and sexual energy.

It's not "denying" in any way (except for tun), it's opening a world of new way of thinking and new tools in the toolbox.

Agreed on this, too. And maybe having clarity in your mind will help. It did for me. Once I could articulate that it's not being mean on her part (she doesn't relate to the mean DOM persona), it's being with me on a journey of exploring and mastering my sexuality to help her build confidence and play off of my energy to help her explore hers. It's a beautiful thing and win/win for both.

 

Love your comment about being on a 12/10 of pleasure but not ejaculating. It almost gets my competitive nature moving when faced with this and having that battle with your own will to not allow yourself to go over the edge.

Same/similar when going longer and longer without a full orgasm. My personal record is just over 90 days, and while the wife wanted to push my boundaries this year she’s relented to allowing me 4 full ones so far this year, but she’s settling back in now and we’re on day 25 since the last time I was allowed to fully cum (she milks me now and then etc). So again the competitive streak in me makes me want to try and break that record…

 

@TemptedSecrets : I wrote this thread a while back, I think it could help you out.

https://www.chastitymansion.com/forums/index.php?threads/how-do-i-tell-my-wife.48102/

 

She will have to go at her own pace don't try to push her , it may go in the wrong direction

 

I have a similar problem, and it's something I've put a lot of time and thought into.

Ultimately the issue is that if you are with someone who genuinely cares about you (which is wonderful), then the last thing they want is to see you suffer. If you are visibly frustrated because of being caged, although that may be exactly what you want, the most natural response is for them to want to help you to not be frustrated - i.e. finish you.

In my case, this would manifest itself in my wife offering me the key all the time at the beginning. She'd make a sly face and ask if I was struggling, and I'd coyly say yes with a grin, and she'd ask "do you need your key?". I know that if I said yes, she'd give it to me, so I'd always say no - but being offered the key is a massive turn-off for me. I want to see her take that control.

Equally with regards to finishing me, she does a great job of playing along but this isn't really her thing YET. When she's teasing me I can sometimes see that she feels it's going to be better for me (and probably less effort for her) to just finish me. Last time she did it I said that it had made me feel a bit weird; like I was reverting to the old selfish person I used to be. She in turn then felt guilty for finishing me and got annoyed - it was a whole thing. But at the end of it I apologised and said she could do whatever she wants, whenever she wants (but at the same time she got a little discouragement from finishing me too often).

I've now gone for 5 days without finishing - last time it was 9. The other night she teased me and said that we'd have to try to make 2 weeks this time. If she sticks to that then we're on our way, I think. I'm always careful to thank her when she teases me, and especially when she locks me up without finishing me, and hoping that some positive reinforcement will get us there.

Ultimately I think we all need to just be aware that it's a natural position on your KH's part, and we need to gently encourage what we want from them, whilst showing them that we're fine, even better than fine, and that they are actually doing us a huge favour, which we REALLY appreciate!

 

Update - oh my god I just read 'Secrets of a Happy Marriage' and it's absolutely incredible. Thank you, thank you, thank you. My wife needs to read this!

 

I struggled with that exact problem many years ago when hubby and I first started playing with orgasm denial. Teasing him for a few hours was wonderful fun, but it felt wrong not to let him finish. I'd be wracked with guilt making him wait overnight. You're fighting against years of conditioning about what sex should be, or how to be a "good wife". It's going to take time for your wife to adjust and let go of those old ideas.

Sometimes the response here is something along the lines of "do more for her, show her how much she'll benefit". Honestly, this just makes the guilt worse. When I was feeling guilty for being selfish, the solution wasn't more massages, orgasms, or housework. The guilt came from things feeling uneven, and you can't erase that by piling even more on the side that's already too heavy.

Looking back, what helped more than absolutely anything else was when hubby started thanking me (honestly and sincerely) every time I denied him. He told me how happy I was making him and how much he enjoyed the building anticipation. I really needed to hear that.

It didn't really sink in at first. I kept thinking that however happy he was at that moment, he'd be even happier with an orgasm, and those thoughts would eventually lead to me giving him an orgasm. Probably much sooner than he really wanted. But he didn't complain. He was just as appreciative of the orgasms as the teasing. This was important too. I was worried (actually terrified) of doing it "wrong". An abundance of positive feedback worked wonders. I got used to teasing him for a day, then two days, then three. The guilt faded and and I really started to enjoy our new dynamic. I saw how happy we both were, and became much more confident. But it took a lot of time.

 

My Wife, now (KH) was the same. She felt bad to see me denied orgasms. She had a hard time using the riding crop on my butt. In time that all changed. I'm almost a year orgasm free and got 20 good whacks with the riding crop this morning, (just because she felt like it) while tied spread eagle on our bed. (Something she would have never done 5 years ago).
Hopefully, she will come around and enjoy the control she has now. It took my Wife awhile to discover her "power", but now she loves it and always tells me she wishes we would have started MC a lot sooner...Goodl uck...

 

i may have missed something in the nuances, so bear with me, why not tell Her you like it, and that it brings you closer together as a couple?

 

I think it takes a while for that to sink in. It is amazing how ingrained the idea is in our society. That the man must orgasm all the time. Even if we provide empirical and quantified evidence, there is a deep emotional tie to satisfying male sexual urges. For both men and women. It took me a while to wrap my head around orgasm denial as an actual thing. At first, ok, it's a fun kink. go for a weekend. But the idea of actually being in control of my own sexual energy and ability to ejaculate (vs orgasm) was not even on the radar.

It is time to flip the script here. Guys don't need to ejaculate. We can have a way deeper, longer and more exciting journey without doing it. It's not "mean" to withhold. Ejaculatory orgasms are one flavor in a palette of options...and yes they feel really good. And only last a few seconds. Versus weeks or months of bathing in our sexual energy, teasing and play, and desire for our women. It's all good, in different ways and for different reasons.

I hope women can move past the guilt and training they have received that they have to give the man what he [thinks he] wants. There really is so much more to explore.

 

To increase lockup times, I would suggest mutually agreed upon games of chance. If she only ever keeps you locked for 6 hours, suggest that she roll a dice at the 6 hour mark to determine if you get released. This will make it so that she does not feel as guilty and can blame bad luck. Over time, you can extend the time between dice rolls or switch to a 20 sided die. That helped to increase our lockups to 5 or 6 days. Make sure you do not complain, which will prove to her that the cage is comfortable and she may challenge you to go for a record. My current record is 26 days, my husband has made sure I do not go a month so the milestone is always available.