She is your wife...

People marry, and enter relationships for a number of reasons. Perhaps nearly as many reasons as there are people.

 

it took me 15 years to break the kinky ice with my wife...
now that its broken, we have put the throttle to max and are experiencing all that intrigues her

 

communication does seem to be a tricky issue for many

 

well its nice to talk i think but sometimes i know when not to cos Mistress just look at me like and i know i shud not.

 

Okay, I'll take the bait.

If you have been in a relatively vanilla marriage for some time, then you already have an idea of how your partner thinks of you. By telling her that you want something BDSMish, especially something that is construed to be on the submissive side (beign locked up, wearing panties, SPH, cuckolding, etc) risks not only her scorn, derision, or apathy, but it also potentially changes how she sees you with regard to yoru overall relationship. You can't put that toothpaste back into the tube.

 

The majority of people you encounter in your daily life are not capable of honest and open communication. Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't be mean. Ironically people involved in chastity relationships, FLR, and kink are actually the best at it but even swiss cheese has a few holes in it.

 

Communication on sensitive or difficult subjects can be tough. Especially true when either or both of you are a little insecure.

 

Communication is a key but must be sensitive to both members. Paced to allow both to work in same direction at a rate that works.

It is a very different and complex balance. My Wife restarted the my use of chastity while is not and may never be my KH. At the same time she has and is directing me on a multi week quest.

I don't know where we will end up. I do know that 7 days from now she will decide whether we are in a joint bed or separate beds.

She has stepped up and is executing what she demands of me. I am trying to prove my commitment to fulfill her directives.

 

Early in my first marriage, my wife and I attended an event which included a dinner, and a sort of game. Partners were selected from the audience and put on stage, and asked questions about their spouse. Many were simple things; favorite color, food, etc. Where did your wife attend elementary school? What was her favorite pet's name?

Many of the participants had a good grasp of their partners; they knew each other. My wife and I had been married the shortest period of time, among those attending; about a year, for us. My wife was unable to answer any questions about me, and as it turned out, I didn't know that much about her. Now, is it necessary that I would have known the trivia? Probably not. But it spoke to the fact that knowing one another was a long term process, and communication not instantaneous.

How can one be married and not know?

Easily.

 

She knows me better than I do often . Sometimes I know her. With this she keeps suprising me. I will follow her lead.

 

If I was totally honest with her it would blow her mind. We've got to go at her pace. Though total honesty is my goal, I can't rush it.

 

A lot of people might be afraid. There is some very kinky fantasies out there and the fear might not just be the wife would judge them but also what if she says no? Something somebody might have been day dreaming about, wife says no, that could be the end of that. No chance to ever get to experience the fantasy.

Especially if the wife is kinda vanilla. Or has shot smaller things down in the past.

Last night my wife told me she has been fantasizing about pegging me in chastity until I cum. That’s probably not the normal for people. But... then again we are pretty open about what we are currently wanting to try. So communication is important.

 

Thanks for sharing, that was a good piece of wisdom. I've only been married to my husband two years, and just realised I would only know one answer to the questions you just mentioned there. Means I've got some work to do too.

 

King hippo is correct idea that communication is the key but it has taken for us almost a year for me to explain to my wife and for her to explain to me some of our interest it’s a rough road with lots of ups and downs but if you do communicate There could be a great ending to it all as long as you communicate my wife and I have been married for well it will be 24 years this year and this last year we have communicated more than ever before

 

Communication is a key. Sometimes when and how you bring things out is a important consideration.

 

39 years fir us and communication is still a work in progress.

 

It seems best to have these types of discussions early on. Establish a culture of radical honesty from the beginning when the stakes are lower. Once you get to 24 years and want to bring something that vulnerable and potentially devastating you will both be so deep in your own head about whatever the subject is that it makes both parties question so many things. Sounds difficult. Hopefully a step in a good direction though

 

It changed our relationship for the better we have a much deeper love for each other

 

Reminds of The Newlywed Game.

A partner of mine at the time and I were discussing the courtship of some friends of ours. I was remaking about how they were being so enthusiastic and cautious about their relationship that they were paying attention to little things while visiting each other like on which end the host of the moment squeezed the toothpaste so they wouldn't get on each other's nerves unnecessarily.

He sorted and asked how on earth someone could possibly remember all that stuff about someone else.

I blinked, looked at him, and started rattling off everything I knew about him. Within the first minute, he chuckled. Three minutes in, and the smile had slid from his face. At five minutes, he was frowning. At seven, he was bordering on panic.

"I ... I could never do that."

I nodded. "Yeah, I know."

He had heard, over the years, at least as much about me as I had about him ... but never deemed it important enough to recall. He never planned a Valentine's Day, never spontaneously brought me flowers, I don't think he ever remembered my birthday without prompting ... hell, he couldn't be relied on to be on time. And I could've written a decent sized pamphlet on him from memory.

He had some form of ADD, and depression, and sleep apnea, and ... who knows what else. Those were the diagnoses he'd finally gotten by the time we split up, and there may have been more after that.

One can communicate until one is blue in the face, and there can still be barriers.

 

Maybe communicating should be a wedding vow!

 

Our wedding vows included our FLR contract, which has a lot of rules about communication. Some strict rules about what is and isn’t acceptable for me, but also some rules about what I am required to communicate, which is basically anything that would help her make better decisions, including letting her know what is going on inside me.

Of course this doesn’t help people who don’t realize how important power exchange is to them until later in their relationship. I think it’s not surprising this is hard for people given how stigmatized it is in mainstream society.

 

Is there something that one of you brought up that took the other one by surprise or shock?

 

One phrase that still just doesn’t make sense is when someone says, “ What he/she doesn’t know can’t hurt she/him.” It is more about their own inability to communicate for whatever reason but they project it on to the parter under the guise of not hurting their feelings. Which will actually hurt the partner as opposed to giving them the respect and dignity of letting them in.