Hi everyone a quick question... The longer I spend around chastity sites (mostly here, ChastiKey and a bit of Googling) the more it feels like there are two main chastity fantasies. One is held by men who dream of a strong female (or the cute girl next door type having "found" the key) coming to lock them up and this is built not only on the sexiness of denial but also on the fact that overall the woman must really desire the man in order to do it. So in a sense this kind of a reverse power-play erotic fantasy for the male. On the other hand many of the ladies on this site (especially) seem to shun overt sexual attention and don't want to see a man's intimate parts semi-literally shoved in their faces... (and I don't blame them) everytime they open a chat message ... instead they want to see a man who will keep himself presentable and tidy, who is prepared to submit his orgasms but overall this is just a small token of their greater wants. They want somebody who will do their jobs for them and tasks as requested, or do nice things, or they can send out on a silly task - just because they can. The fantasy is the man choosing to submit everything to the/his woman and then following it through repercussions and all. The male fantasy (in this case, there are obviously different ones) is there for one of being dominated and needing the female to act sexily around them to achieve this. The core female one though demands that the man downplays his sexuality in order to honour his partner - except when she wishes to mess (sorry, read: encourage) him - and instead has him dutifully being her slave by choice. I realise that these are broad brushstrokes and that many men and women on here and elsewhere will have different fantasies. But I wondered if it would chime a chord with anyone here and perhaps explain why men can sometimes overstep the boundaries so badly on here when they talk to women - as they expect them all to be wearing skin tight leather and carrying whips. Instead most of the denied men on here probably know you don't need your partner to be carrying a whip when they can simply add "a few more days" on a whim. Just leaving this here for comments or thoughts. I'm curious what others think.
I tend to agree with you on this. My situation is different. Im locked up to keep me from masturbating. My wife wants it for her only and Im very happy to do it for her. She dosent deny me. I can have it anytime and she can too. Its just to make sure I dont masturbate anymore ,and it works
Women dressed in leather and whips, doesn't do it for me at all. What I enjoy and crave is to feel that a woman is feminine and sensual, emphasised by what she wears, her make up, painted nails, her scent, and knowing how much this effects me and the power she has over me, using her feminine sexuality to encourage my submissive desires to worship and serve her, for her pleasure. Being kept locked on chastity and kept teased and denied release or orgasms, is a way of emphasising her control and keeps me in a constant state of submissive love for her.
I think I agree with you - although there is a small part of me (oh stop it with the innuendos...) that would like to see the future Mrs in ... . Um, I think I may have been locked up for a little too long, my thoughts are drifting again. (Been happening a lot today )
To some degree, I've seen men and women start at the two sort of opposite ends of the spectrum, as you describe, and over time, move together toward the middle. it's natural for a desire or kink to evolve once it's moved from fantasy to reality. He learns to take some of the focus off his love affair with his cock and turn more attention to her wants (including domestic wants), and she learns to enjoy her sexuality more and actually ask for more sexual fulfillment once he is no longer "in charge." My chastity interest don't align exactly with what you're describing, but I do recognize your descriptions in myself and others here.
Yep, I don't think that it reflects my, or my partners interests exactly either. But as an extreme generalisation I felt that I had seen it a few times recently across different sites. I've found most, if not all the people I've met on here to be friendly and accommodating to others preferences. I guess if we don't agree we just post in different threads... I think in my head I was also thinking of those very new to chastity who might come to the site filled with kinkiest images from Tumblr and a head full of fantasy rather than reality. Gradually meeting in the middle is a good way of putting it
It's funny; I've been chewing over much the same ground myself over the last few weeks. I've been poking into 'why do I wanna do this weird thing with my dick?' Where my answer to that partially overlaps with your question is what I now think of as 'Porn Polution'. When someone says 'leatherclad dominatrix' to me, I automatically think of what Google says is the song The Deadwood Stage from the musical Calamity Jane. (FYI the whipcracking is at 1:20-ish) Now, as lovely as Doris Day is and all that, the connections for me between this old movie, getting a hard-on and dominatrixes are just too far. There's too much cognitive dissonance. There's too much porn polution for me to strip away to be able to make any kinky-linky. So why is leatherclad dominatrix so prevalent? I guess thatv because for a lot of people, leatherclad dominatrixes have become stereotyped as being sexy. And for many people they are, which is why they become the stereotype. But that sexual stereotype just doesn't work for me.
I think what you are seeing are the two extremes that a lot of people come into the kink world from. The first approach you mentioned is the really common "guy" thing. Many would classify it as "topping from the bottom" (although I think this term gets thrown around more than it should). Basically its when the interest in the kink/activity comes from the man. It's HIS fantasy. It gets HIS dick hard. He approaches his partner or potential partner with this new thing that really turns HIS crank. Many times, women will indulge (a lot of times because many women have been conditioned to defer to men). They will do it for him. They will let the guy lay out all his kinks and they will do as much as they can to please him. Which obviously spins the dynamic in the wrong direction. On the other end of the spectrum, you have women who are actually into what some would classify as the traditional FemDomme type of role. Not meaning leatherclad women wielding whips etc. But the actual real stuff. Women wanting to be served. Wanting the focus to be on THEM. So the chastity serves as a tool (usually one of many) to keep that focus where it should be, on the Domme. Like others on the thread have mentioned, being a FemDomme certainly doesn't mean that the woman has to parade around in leather and heels with a riding crop. Most people who are actually in the lifestyle for real, rarely do that type of stuff. That's usually male fantasy junk. (there are of course exceptions). Actual FemDomme's that I've interacted with over the years are all about actions. They may look like a soccer mom, but their sub's are devoted to them. Chastity, denial, and the multitude of other dynamics are a means to an end. And that end is usually having someone willingly submit and devote themselves to the Domme. My 2 cents.
Yes to all of this. In the first scenario (the kink originating with the man), it seems he's often trying to present it to a vanilla wife or girlfriend. Since it's all new to her, it feels easier to let him take to lead, which essentially pushes her into a "service top" role. Which may or may not work for them. I think, from many of the stories we see here (if they can be believed), some originally-vanilla KHs evolve toward a more dominant role, while others tire of being nagged about a game they never had a stake in in the first place. In the second scenario, we get a different kind of clash. A man who seeks out a domme and wants to lay out his whole chastity fantasy for her is usually in for a bit of a wake-up call. Some won't indulge his chastity fetish at all, thinking it too wank-focused. Others will be happy to incorporate chastity, but only on their terms, which often look very little like the guy's original fantasies. I find that most men don't really have much of an idea why a woman would or would not be motivated to participate in chastity with him. So it's harder for them to imagine that their keyholder is going to want different things than they are. I've talked to quite a few chastity guys online as a virtual KH; probably less than 20% ever ask me what I hope to get out of keyholding.
I think a lot of relationships evolve from where they started out. Chastity was my idea and "fantasy" which Mrs Chaste liked the sound of and was prepared to indulge me in if you like. As time has gone on she has taken more control and has become more dominant. It is very much a growth in confidence I think. This has happened at her pace not mine and whilst we do indulge in tying me to the bed and a bit of punishment it is not the be all and end all. I've always been happy to help around the house especially if she has to work additional hours but that has evolved from me being asked, to being told and to do it naked or in just my floral apron (which Mrs Chaste purchased). The whole process is still evolving but the key part is still me being kept locked in chastity. And this has changed as I've mentioned elsewhere on CM, she is really upping the ante with the denial of my orgasms and the level of teasing. Its very difficult to put couples into specific compartments and I think for many it is case of changing dynamics within a relationship the one constant being the love between them!
I think there's a continuum here, starting with "it's all about sexuality" at one end and ending with "it's all about NOT sexuality" at the other. I guess many couples come into it as a part of game playing, a sexual adventure, a way of spicing up the love life. And many will stay there. Excellent! I hope they enjoy their mutual kink. Others may start at the more ascetic end, or may gravitate there, so that chastity becomes divorced from sexuality per se and becomes a channel towards submission and devotion. Again, I wish them well with their adventures. Me, I started at one end and I'm rapidly sliding towards the other.
Thanks all for your comments so far. It's been really interesting reading your views. I'll admit the original question was phrased in a rather "polar-opposite" point of view but I'm glad you've moved past that to a more open discussion. Been away for a couple of days and I'll need to take time to read all the comments later.
great reading, it would seem though i am between the lines in this thiking, as chastity was my Madams idea in the first place. we were a active bdsm couple, she domme, me sub (although we did used to switch as well at times) i didnt even know there was such a thing till i got home from work one evening and madam was looking very happy, i ask why? Madam said she had been sufing the net and found something i had to see. she showed me the cbx website and said your going to get one of these! it wasnt a request. its all about the control with my Madam, she wants as much control in every way, and to demaculinize me, she is one of those not leather, but latex clad dominatrixs though, but i wouldnt change a thing.
Every couple is different, reasons for starting, reasons for staying, why we do it, and why they are in on it. My kh once told me that when I introduced this to her she thought it was pretty weird. She wondered if I had some self loathing issues (why would I lock it up), wondered if I disliked my sex, wondered if I felt guilty of something and wanted to punish myself. She said the only reason she went along with it is because she really liked me and was willing to give it a try. As time went on all of this grew on her, and she evolved into doing this exactly how she wants. It’s funny, she said later that she was always kind of a control freak when it came to relationships but spent every one of them trying not to be. She said this has given her the freedom and self confidence that she would not have dreamed of. At first she liked to dress up a little, black nightie, etc, now she doesn’t try to play a role, it’s what she wants, how she wants it. I think she evolved just as much as I have. My fantasies have mostly went by the wayside, and hers are front and center.