Brought up chastity again, conversation ended in tears...need advice

My wife was the same way it took her some time and research but after she did it she said she was willing to try it out and see what happened from there the first few days was hard for her to warp her mind around it and now we have been doing it for almost a year and she is enjoying it more and more she has control of the key fully now before if I wanted to have sex she would unlock me and we would have sex now it is up to when she wants to unlock me to let me orgasm but I still have to make her orgasm every night she don't work when or with out toys but everyone is different when it comes to chastity.

 

Well, you do have a way with words, then, don't you! As I see it, the first issue you need to address is your poor wife's notions that she is not good enough for you and that you are thinking of leaving her. You've got some serious work to do to show her how much she means to you. Seriously, I think your behaviors and attitudes towards her are showing her that you take her for granted, and that you don't value her. Now I'm sure that you actually love you wife with all your heart and soul, but have simply allowed complacency and laziness to hinder the expression of those feelings. You need to get busy, stop talking about chastity, and show your loving wife what it means to be loved by you.
And if you want to be locked up, get yourself a cage and lock yourself up! Put some glue in the lock if you have to! Most women are leery of chastity for two reasons: 1) They can't wrap their head around the fact a man would actually like such a thing; and 2) They think it means extra work for them. If you self-lock, then clearly you are doing something that you like (or why would you do it?) and secondly, you've done it without placing extra burden on her. So, there you have it. Lock your dick, and channel that wasted sexual energy into making your wife feel like the goddess she is. Then when it is revealed that all the good stuff that has been happening lately is because you've been locked, I suspect the resulting conversation will go much better.

 

It sounds like you need to help your wife understand your masturbation problem. I went through something similar with my wife, but not as bad. She just could not understand what a big temptation masturbating is for a guy, and how addictive it is.

I really had to focus on letting her know that she IS good enough, and that she DESERVES my full loyalty and focus in all areas sexual.

It was a hard thing for her to understand. Why do you need this thing? If you want to stop masturbating, why don't you just stop then? Why is this thing necessary? She could not understand that stopping masturbating is probably as hard as or harder than stopping smoking or drinking or any other chemical dependency. That's the closest comparison I can think of.

Don't give up. You have to get her to understand how powerful of an addiction masturbation is for you, and how guilty you feel for keeping it a secret. My wife didn't know about my masturbation either, and it came as quite a shock for her to learn I was doing 2-3 times per day. I think the frequency helped her to understand that she wasn't "not good enough". Nobody could realistically expect their wife to have sex 2-3 times per day. She began to understand that I had a behavioral addiction that was ruling my life.

Once we got past that, things got pretty good.

 

@Ragnar I have a hard time explaining myself especially if the topic of discussion is slightly embarrassing for the couple to discuss. My wife always used to get shy whenever I tried to bring up anything sex related which in turn would make me shy and often times things would disentigrate from there. I opted to buy my wife a couple of books to better explain male chastity to her and the benefits to us both. When I first brought it up my wife said "she'd think about", I pretty much knew that it wouldn't come back up again until I brought it up. So I gave her a week and then brought it up again and pretty much got the same response. So I bought a book titled "Male Chastity" by Lucy Fairbourn from Amazon. It arrived quickly and she was actually fairly interested in reading it at that point. When I gave it to her she went into our bedroom and I sat out in our living room. It's a short read and she came out of the bedroom 45 minutes later and said "we're doing this!".

If I hadn't given her the book and if she never heard the female perspective on chastity I'm not sure that she would've wanted try it. So you should buy her some flowers and write her a nice apology explaining how much you love her and how important she is to you. Tell her you explained yourself poorly and ask her to give you one more chance and then present her with either the book I mentioned above or an even better choice is "Ladies introduction to Male Chastity" by Mistress Jules who also happens to be a member on this forum and always has great advice.

I would say that if she reads either of these books and still doesn't want to give it a try then nothing is probably going to convince her. If she's able to learn about the benefits from a females perspective I think you will have a way better chance of this working out for the two of you.

For us now almost 2 years into this lifestyle I lovingly address my wife as mistress and she lovingly addresses me as slut puppy, bitch or whatever she wants to call me. We are closer together than ever before and I'm a better person than I was before. I hope she gives you another chance because this has been so worthwhile for us. Good luck!

 

As a woman, I understand where your wife is coming from. I have the very same issue regarding my guy masturbating. It makes me feel upset/jealous and like I am not good enough/pretty enough/skinny enough etc because porn is usually watched while doing it, and those women are not your average women like most of us are. I admit, this is irrational, but it's an unfortunate instinct ingrained in A LOT of women. Granted, my guy only masturbated a couple of times a week - it still hurt my feelings. Both of us are kinky and into BDSM, so when we came upon a chastity cage at the Adult Toystore, we decided to try it out. We thought it would be a game, but we ended up where he is locked 24/7 unless I am using his member for my pleasure. I had to let him out to heal when he got his PA done and he ended up masturbating twice (as far as I know) during that period. When he admitted that to me, he was healed up enough for me to lock him again. Chastity - for me, makes me feel more comfortable leaving him alone, or falling asleep before him since I know he can't get access to his favorite toy. Maybe explain it to your wife that way. You will remain locked up for HER pleasure only, that she can use you whenever she wants to.

 

I don't really know how my wife feels; but when I brought up chastity and how much I masterbated she gave it a try. When I could not masturbated and she seen how much attention, cuddling and ass grabbing came back she did make comments like " I get jipped when u masturbate". I don't think we will ever go back. I feel horrible for what I have done in our last 7-10 years of marriage. I hope I can make up for lost time now. Good luck I hope some of this helps. It maybe ur approach that maybe the problem or her lack of knowledge. Do ur research; knowledge is power in this lifestyle.

 

Hey Ragnar, you seem to be set on a good path now. Don't push things, but try to empower your lovely wife to take the lead. If you read some of the stories here, you will learn that it has taken months, if not over a year for some women to feel comfortable in the role of keyholder. Once that mantle is accepted, however, progress does seem to be swift. Be clear in your own mind and heart that this is what you want. You seem a good man, and sincere, so abide by your wife. If she has been through trouble in the past, then you need to work double to show her you are different. Rationally, she knows, of course. Emotionally, it is a different story. These scars can be difficult to heal, but the reward is so much more than can be imagined. There is a path forward, but you have to let her find it.

 

You are very welcome. Like I said, a lot of women feel this way - it's simply something we cannot help as we have fragile egos and esteem issues. Maybe show her this site - they have become more "vanilla wife" friendly and see what she thinks. Also, look at my previous posts (you can find them thru my profile at the top where it says activity I believe) You will see just how far my guy and I have come since starting this a year ago. Good luck

 

I feel that most women have not a clue about how often men in general and their husband/bf actually masturbate! It is a routine, but very private, part of most men's lives and it really has little to do with the relationships that they have. Practiced often enough, it becomes a physical need that has to be privately "handled" and so rarely is it ever discussed.

I feel that good and personal communicatio must be solidly established before venturing into the marturbation subject. TO go there without a solid, personal dialogue already established is asking for an angry reaction. I did the same thing. I brought up the subject and got the hysterical reaction and it took her months to come to an understanding of my feelings, needs and desires. Turns out, there were lots of things more important than wanking that we had been avoiding the discussion of and, once everything was out in the open, from both our our viewpoints, then the masterbation issue, my desires to crossdress, her secret sexual desires, etc, etc, became so much easier to discuss and to reach agreement on.

 

I was a chronic masturbate and I found that it was effecting my business as well as our sex life. Like you I decided to tell my wife one night about how much I masturbated and brought up the idea of a chastity cage. I don't think she had the same emotional response as your wife, or at least she didn't reveal that, but she was definitely confused about how I could want to be locked in a cage. I found that as we continued to talk about it over a period of a month that she began to become open to the idea. We finally bought a CB6000 this past September again she slowly warmed up to me having it on. Now it is pretty much an expectation that I have it on. She unlocked me on Christmas and I was unlocked for a week. And went right back to masturbating a few times a day. We had decided a few weeks ago that I would spend all of January locked up without release or getting to cum. We set rules for our month long game and it was her that brought it up yesterday that I had to get in my cage. She locked me last night and I feel like where we are at now is all because of our communication. So that is my best advice. Through communication, her and I both know that I have to be locked up unless she desires me to be unlocked for her pleasure. I am pleasantly surprised and happy at where we are at right now as last summer I couldn't ever imagine she and I would be this open about with each other about our needs for me to be caged.

 

My wife cried too. Thought I did not love her or find her attractive again. Thought I was trying to find an excuse to not have sex with her. So I did not push it. What did work was when I dropped all the D/s stuff from Chastity and just talked about teasing and denial. I told my wife that we still will have our regular sex but to tease and edge me but not let me orgasm for a few days because I wanted to see how much more intense my orgasm would be. She was OK with that. No talk of a chastity device, just simple teasing and denial to increase the pleasure of my orgasms. Once she was comfortable denying me on orgasm, I asked her to let us see what happens if she denies me two orgasms. It took about 3 months of this before I even mentioned a chastity device.

I also acted. I moaned and couldn't keep my hands off of her each day. I let her know how hot I was for her. I also thanked her every time she denied me an orgasm but never thanked her for giving me an orgasm. I offered to wash the dishes, give her foot massages and then bought a massage table to give her full body massages, which I know how to do from classes a long time ago. I let her see the positive effects of orgasm denial. In bed I got her to accept that sex was to focus on her, not me for a change. At first she felt guilty but after awhile she began to enjoy the control she had in bed and out. I told her that I wanted to see what would happen with orgasm denial for 3-4 weeks. She was eager to try and that is when I told her that I would love to do that but would need help. I explained to her about the CB6000 and how popular they were becoming. I got her some ebooks and she told me to get the cage.

At first she had nothing to do with the CB6000. I held the keys because I was putting it on and taking it off frequently as I tried different ring and gap combinations while getting used to wearing it. When I was comfortable wearing it during the day, I gave her the keys to hold. Then I made another mistake. I made her feel that she was my warden who had to check to make sure I was locked up, supervised my showers, etc.. I wrote a whole bunch or rules that read like an owner's manual. If I did this, you do that and that that was usually something I would enjoy. Then we changed rules weekly until it got so confusing that neither of us could remember were rules were in effect and which were not. I fixed this by telling my wife that she no longer had to tell me to lock up or supervise me when I was unlocked. I gave her my word that I would not masturbate or try to escape. We ended up with just one rule. My wife makes the rules and does not have to tell me and can change them anytime she wanted to. I made it simple for her. Then I started to wear my cage 24/7 so she did not even have to bother getting the keys to unlock me every day..

It took us a full year to get comfortable with chastity and 3 years before my wife stopped feeling very guilty about denying me. We started year 5 and she still feels guilty after 2 months of denying me but we now play it by ear, take breaks for a few weeks or months and then resume a month or two before a special occasion. One thing we discovered is that my orgasms are not so great after very long term denial. Really not worth it at all. I have much better orgasms when I orgasm a few times a week. However, I miss the constant feeling of sexual arousal. Right now we are on a break after 8 weeks of denial. I was having difficulty sleeping and my stress level was high while denied. I was also waking up due to erections. Now that my orgasm has occurred, not so great for either of us, my blood pressure went from 146/92 to 120/82. Big difference. Plus I am getting more sleep and not waking due to painful erections, or better yet, attempts at getting erect in too small a space.

It actually took us three attempts before we continued with chastity. We changed things each week. Our goal was to make it fun for both of us. We adjusted as we went along and did not take chastity too seriously. As long as I did not masturbate, that was good enough. No point wearing my cage when we are visiting with friends an family for instance. Being locked up is not going to contribute to our fun since it is not something we will be even thinking about outside of our house. We are not into symbolism. More into commitments. So that is how I did it. You need to condition your wife to learn how much better it is for both of you when you are denied. I do not know how successful I would have been if I just wanted to wear a hunk of plastic on my penis in-between our sex nights. The T&D came first and then we advanced by taking baby steps. Very small baby steps.

BTW, initially I amped up the moaning and desire to please my wife more than it really was. I also did not sell chastity to her by telling her it was all for her benefit and showing her all the same benefits you can find on every website about chastity. I just used basic psychology to feel less guilty for denying me and seeing how much pleasure I got from orgasm denial. I also gave her great orgasms. She said that she was having the best orgasms of her life and multiple ones. Not due to my tongue though but rather her vibrators which she wore out last week and whose replacement is arriving today. She got used to having sex focused on her orgasms only but every after 4 years, she is not 100% guilt free when she denies me for a few months in a row. I am not longer going to try to push her beyond her comfort zone. I am also not going to let chastity affect my mental or physical health. I don't dislike orgasms at all. After 30 years of my wife sharing her girlfriend with me, I thought it would be nice for her to become the focus of sex instead of me. So now we play it by ear. We do real life chastity and do not try to do it like the stories we read or rules we find on chastity sites. She is not a dominant and I am not a submissive but we can take on those roles during sex or not as the mood strikes us.

Good luck and remember not to jump into the deep end of the pool when you are trying to learn how to swim. Take small baby steps.

 

I don't know your size, but I will give you advice I wish I had before I went all in and bought a custom device.

They make very plain simple steel devices that are sold on Amazon or do gate for next to nothing. Mine was 23 bucks. It fits better than my custom mature metal and pretty much orgasm proof unless you pull out... you can pull out of any device you're not pierced to. They very in size and ring sizes... if you are not sure they are cheap enough to buy a few of them.

I have pictures in my gallery. I have one that is 52 mm the other is 28mm both with base rings of 45 mm. One is a tad big, the other is a bit small, but both can be worn indefinitely without removal. I regularly go 2-3 weeks without removal and not because of cage issues.

My kh is a bit younger than i(8years), and masterbation isn't the taboo subject for her age group. It's common knowledge that people masterbate and wasn't a sign to her that she wasn't enough or that it was dirty. To her it was like a guy shaving...they just do it. That being said, once I brought this up to her, she absolutely loves the idea that I can't and won't ever orgasm, play with it, or get an erection without her allowing it.

Good luck

 

Amazon has a nice Jailhouse knock-off that comes with 3 base ring sizes and is easy to get acclimated to once you know what you are doing.

Ragnar:
Get your testicles through the base ring, pull them out as much as you can, and tuck your flaccid penis into the base ring. A tiny amount of lube might help if you are above average in length or girth. Pull everything forward a bit, then line up the big hole on the cage with the long, thick post, and line up the two tiny guide pins and slowly slide them into the holes on the base ring. keep a finger from each hand above your scrotum and blow the holes, pushing the testicles down and forward. You should not pinch yourself if you follow this advice.

Once the hole in the main post has passed through the hole in the top of the cage that you were sliding the thick post into, you can slip a small padlock right on and click it shut. Have some lube around in case you start to feel burning on your scrotum. It is common for a beginner, but will get less frequent and less intense each time you use a cage.

Good luck.

 

@Ragnar ... Glad to hear you have been able to open discussions again and start moving forward.

I too went much the same as you. The thing that upset her most in the begging was that she thought I was masturbating to other women / images (feeding that whole she was not good enough) ... but when I told her I was masturbating in the shower 90% of the time and it was images of her and I having sex I was thinking about, she quickly changed her thoughts, and stated well you should be waiting for me, and that was the beginning of her wanting to be part of chastity and be a KeyHolder.

But as has been pointed out it opened a new can of worms ... she felt guilty that she was "not making my happy" / "that if we had sex, sex was not over till I also had an orgasm" / etc ... these ideas lead to her feeling under-pressure as a KeyHolder and caused her to again shy away from the whole thing. I was patient and turned it into more of a game ... and everything was lighthearted and I was in charge of the key, she was in charge of the orgasm. I would keep track of her orgasm verses mine and I needed to be the one to deny myself much more so than her during sex ... again keeping it lighthearted and fun ... showing her how I enjoyed the game of not being allowed to orgasm and that it just made me want her more. .......... So why the long story ... because what I realized is that what gives her the most pleasure in the chastity way of life has nothing to do with chastity ... Her most pleasurable moment was after we decided on a "safe" word, the safe word was her way of not feeling guilty of denying me an orgasm and yet still allowing me to beg her to be allowed to orgasm (it was great) ... but it still was not fully satisfying her ... then one day I decided to use the "safe" word and orgasm. That was the day she finally got over her feelings of "not being enough for me" etc ... she finally knew then that she could drive me to a point where I had to have HER.

So as everyone here has said it is all about her feeling she is your only focus ... but unlike us men it is deep root in self worth and emotion, it is not as simple as you getting a hard on when you see her.

 

My kh has evolved to where she enjoys me being super into her, and attentive. Yes I should be anyway...but let's be real, we think, feel, and act different once orgasm is achieved.

Don't get me wrong, she also gets a kick out of seeing it strain against the cage, knowing that it leaks all day, and even likes that she orgasms anytime she wants and my pleasure is given out as a gift and not an obligation...but her real love of chastity I think really revolves around my behavior, submissiveness, and the power of control of it.

 

@Ragnar congratulations and welcome to the club!

 

If the NEO doesn't end up working, try the Holy Trainer. I've had mine for over a year, worn it pretty close to every day, and had zero problems. I've even figured out a way to wear it through TSA.