Difficult Dose of New Reality

Just realize it’s all about her. It’s what she wanted. She holds the key and the power to do whatever she wants. I’ve only been locked for about 6 months now and, at times it can be challenging. Sounds like you may need more time locked and not cumming. That’ll make you more subservient to her needs and wants. Be patient and just know that she’s happy with what she decides.

 

It sounds like your idea of Femdom / FLR is not the same as hers. You may need to get used to her being in charge and your needs are not necessarily hers.

Sorry, but many would love to be in such a situation.

A

 

You had expectations that weren't met and now you feel let down. That's natural but you have given her the power to allow her to change her mind without guilt. Maybe in the past she would have felt like giving you what you want even though she was no longer in the mood.
I think it might help to focus on what you did get - a nice dinner, interesting conversation, and the chance to give her a foot massage. That seems like a pretty good evening from my perspective.

 

She had a great evening with you. Take comfort in that you behaved as she wanted and expected you to do. Your needs and desires just don’t take priority anymore and that’s OK.

She still loves you and will be careful to keep you happy, it’s just that you have to learn to accept that your new life comes from you giving happiness, rather than expecting it to be given to you. You are a giver and provider, not a taker.

 

Very well put.

 

I think there are many guys here, myself included, that don't mind being denied, even for a long time, but don't like being given the expectation that something nice will happen only to have those hopes dashed at the last moment. Having said that, it appears that she is considering that her right, so you have little choice but to accept it. So now, you must learn to modify your expectations. Therefore, the next time when she says that something nice will happen at a certain time, rather than setting up your expectations like you did before, you should just tell yourself that there is a chance that it might happen, but also a chance that it might not. Basically, make sure you have prepared yourself that it might not happen, so you don't have to deal with the disappointment.

 

For me, its expect the unexpected.

A

 

Expecting the unexpected is great, we all want that, when your wife surprises you with something, it's killer. But the flipside is not so good, when she says you will get XYZ tonight and gets your hope up, only to change her mind later, that's a big downer for a lot of folks, so I totally get where HLB is coming from, but it sounds like this is his new reality, so he can either keep getting disappointed, or learn not to get too hopeful.

 

I have the same thing with my wife. We will have plans and she will forget or decide she isn't interested. It is tough to take because you do get your hopes up and the let down hurts. To say don't look forward to something is disheartening- that's half the enjoyment.

 

As we progress in an FLR, we learn that our desires are nothing more than topping from the bottom. To avoid the stress caused by unmet expectations, we have to adjust to simply trust Her and follow Her directions. Your best interest will be taken care of without further worry or concern on your part.

 

Been there, and getting better at dealing with it. Knowing that if I don't show any reaction usually she'll reward my patience helps it become easier over time.

 

My Wife has been very stressed, and then remarkably sick with an infection, meaning almost all of our kink has been on hold for several weeks. I've been locked without release for at least 30 days, I'm not sure how long.

Times like this are tough. Submissives feed on kink. They thrive on their FLR. Their days are fueled by sexual desire or the suppression of it. You want to worship her, lick her, kiss on her, feel her grab your sore blue balls, rub her back and feet, and feel the bite of humiliation and the spank.

You dream of watching her spread her legs for her bull, drape her hands across his back as he mounts her, and then look over the side of the bed and smile at her dutiful cuckolded husband.

So when it's gone, and you just have to accept your place, do as you're told, carry on with your chores, and be solid invisible service slave for weeks.... it's a learning experience. You are still valued, but in a different way, and the rewards are gone. It's pure service fueled by love.

I focus on valuing the blessings that I have, to lean into the differences that make me who I am, to realize the value of the dominant that I am are caring for. I am different and she is different and those differences make us absolutely amazing together. Submission to a dominant is very much a giving thing, and it can be rewarding even in the purity of just... care.

All the amazing stuff that our dominants do to add spark to our lives is just frosting on a pretty satisfying cake. I'm a lucky boy.

EDIT: sorry I've edited this over and over and still have mistakes I think? I'm exhausted

EDIT 2: My point was demonstrating to OP that we can find value in our FLR even when we don't get the kink we crave. Just enjoy serving a powerful woman. It has it's own rewards.

 

Yes we've both been in that situation for various reasons and not felt like kink. However the cage stayed on which is a constant reminder to me where I am in the relationship it also reminded her and at least once a day usually as we climbed into bed she would pat the cage. That was enough for me and as much as she could muster.

A

 

Agreed, it's strange but the collar and the cage bring constancy and durability in the relationship. She's totally uninterested in kink at all but she does still lay on top of me or use me as her little spoon at night. She'll grab a big handful of hair and wide it into her hand until my neck is pulled back. This is how she sleeps all the time.

Except right now she coughs constantly and keeps me awake. I just imagine she's mounting me and dream sexy dreams until I drift off for an hour or so. I've gotten very little straight hours of sleep for days now.

 

True, and if you can get an agreement between yourself and your wife to not do that, to not give the impression that something good will happen and not bother or change your mind later, then that is great. But if your wife's in charge and she claims it is her right to do just that, then you have to adjust accordingly.

Look at it another way, one of the things that chastity does for most of us is to reduce the highs and lows that come with orgasms, so if you want to avoid the high of expectations and the lows of disappointment, you have to reduce your expectations.

 

A very long time ago I learned from an older experienced BDSM couple to leave your kink in the bedroom rather than live it 24/7 because that is the surest way to end that kink. They were right. I could spend the night being whipped bloody by my wife and her girlfriend with no orgasms allowed and yet once our session was over, I was once again head of household and no one slave.

What we now do is when my wife wants to play she tells me to put my slave collar on which means I become submissive to her. Other than that we just live normal lives except I am always locked in chastity, even for doctor visits. This has worked out well for us and our not normal marriage/sex life. We draw the line between fetish play and real life. I wonder how many here have lasted more than a year in chastity. I bet it is not many compared to the number who try it.

What I see is guys trying to do chastity according to the porn stuff they see and read online. That seldom works out well in the long run. How do you all handle your chastity? While it sounds great to be submissive, that wears thin after a while and most wives do not want a submissive husband or to dominate them 24/7. My wife made it clear that she married me because I am very alpha like her dad and a take charge kind of guy. So for her, me being submissive is just a game we play when she wants to play it. Other than that I am just locked up most times living a regular life except for once a week when we have sex.

 

My wife literally did the same to me yesterday, in the morning she said she wanted to try her new dildo… by the evening she was shattered and didn’t even want to use her key. Playing with me is now her biggest turn on.

I was disappointed, but I tried my best to not let it ruin our night. In a perfect world I would have openly admitted that I was upset by it. Asked her not to create expectations. But I didn’t, so you know? You reap what you sow.

 

Chastity is not (necessarily) the kink. It is (can be) the tool to equalise and strengthen the partnership. If this is the goal then 24/7 is the only answer. Leave the kink in the bedroom by-all-means but the cage stays on if you want the change in your relationship.