If Your Wife Told You She Doesn't Want Children Ever

Its a huge decision. Most folks are wired up to want them. Sometimes that urge doesn't come untill it's too late, sometimes it doesn't come at all. You didn't mention why she doesn't want kids, I think you should talk to her to understand why she doesn't want them if you haven't already.

 

Well, since you can’t really have kids “sometimes”, or partially, it’s a very serious discussion you need to have. You should try to understand why she doesn’t, just as you should understand why you do.

If you remain of different minds, then my opinion is that it’d be a mistake to continue a relationship. Someone will be unhappy, angry, and resentful in the end. And if you have kids, then you are putting them in a bad situation.

 

In total honestly, with no judgement intended, it's a conversation I'd have had before she was my wife.

 

We both always wanted a second, it was never the right time for me (finances etc) and by the time we were in a position (in my opinion) to have another we decided neither of us wanted to start again (we had a 10 year old at this point).

I don't think either of us have major regrets though.

 

I’ll add that when my wife and I started to consider marriage, that question came up. My wife definitely wanted kids. For me, I didn’t really feel a want or desire to have kids. As we talked about this apparent difference, I came to understand that it wasn’t that I “didn’t want kids”, it was more lack of “want to have kids”. It was an important distinction for us. And yes, we ended up with three, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

Totally agree!

 

Just an advise: If only one of the two wants kids do not get them specially if the woman is the one saying no because she is the one that needs to carry the biggest load.

 

Absolutely not. Instant separation.

 

Funny really! A lot of blokes (me included) would probably not be that bothered. I have only known a few chaps who expressed a definite wish to have kids! That said I am a dad myself and have enjoyed the experience! Well, most of the time anyway!

 

We have 3 kids, my wife had the surgery after the last one but has floated the idea of adoption more then once. I've been pretty resistant to the idea. As much as I love my kids, I'm about pushed to the limits of my sanity as it is, I really don't want any more.

 

Does she not want to go through pregnancy and birth, or does she not want to raise children?

If she doesn't want to whelp them, you can always adopt or foster. If she flat out doesn't want to raise kids, you can join on of those "Big Brother" groups to help disadvantaged kids, and check to see if any hospitals near you need any volunteer baby cuddlers.

 

Personally it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me.

I've never been in that position though.

I didn't want kids before 30, I ended up with one at 22 the conception was very early into the relationship. He's my little mate and I love him but if she'd wanted to have a termination at the time I wouldn't have gone all pro life on her.

 

Seriously. I can't imagine any scenario where this conversation shouldn't happen before getting engaged.

 

Then you should consider being childless by choice. Choosing each other over the unknown of a child is a completely valid life choice. Plus, more bladder control while sneezing or laughing.

 

We got married because we love each other deeply, not for the purposes of procreating. Still, it was a few years in that we realized that we both didn't want kids. Then I got really sick with Crohn's disease, and that was that. i did big brothers for a bit, and that was great with one kid, and not so great with another. Having kids is kind of like that from what I've seen from friends....You just don't know. i've met kids so awesome, i'd have had kids instantly if I could have a kid like that, and I've met a few that were instant contraception. No regrets, but definitely some "what ifs".

 

Yeah, a kiddo is something that's kind of a big deal and if the parties are on opposite sides of that rift then, well, dragging things out is a pretty painful waste of time, life and well being.

 

If kids are important to you and your wife has changed her mind about them, then you need to reevaluate your relationship. There is no one size fits all answer to the question because everyone is different and everyone's relationship with their partner is different.

If you decide that you want kids, don't try to change her mind and don't issue an ultimatum. You don't do any potential kids any favors by having a parent that is not all in or feels resentment to the other parent.

If you decide that you can live without kids, then you have to actually accept it and not hold a grudge. Otherwise, you'll poison your relationship and you'd have just been better off splitting up years earlier.

 

My first marriage ended because my ex-wife realized she did not want kids and I did

 

Then that's up to you. I was just answering your question. Honestly, people can and do grow apart.

 

My kids are grown now and out of the house (one is back). My wife helped raise them, though they're all from a prior marriage.

A woman endures a great deal with a pregnancy; that's entirely her right to determine if she wants to be pregnant. The effects last a lifetime.

A couple's life will change profoundly with kids. It's unfair to a spouse, and especially to kids, if one or the other, or both, don't want the kids. My ex-wife decided she didn't want the kids; one Christmas she simply got rid of them. My wife at the time had never had children, and suddenly gained several at once, and did an admirable job of helping raise them. Don't kid yourself, though. It's a massive, life-altering commitment to have children, by necessity to all.

The world is full of too many who aren't fully committed, and the children suffer for it. Be sure it's what you both want, for your own sakes, and especially for the sake of the kids.