It seems to come full circle here. It shouldn’t be that complicated in such a small niche of kink but it is. Peoples expectations and desires are different, as well as comfort levels and limits. Control; who has it, how much is given, consent and non consensual, and is there really any given away if the other desires it. Cruelty; is not giving someone what they desire cruel or part of the tease, is the tease itself cruel, is humbling or humiliation cruel if they enjoy it, if they enjoy it would cruel mean NOT humiliating them, is discipline cruel if the sub expects or enjoys it, is that even discipline. Topping from the bottom; is communicating your desires telling her what to do. Domme/sub; are they always dominant or just in the bedroom, if only during sex isn’t she just placating his desires and truly the sub, should dominant feel superior and sub inferior. All of this seems to come around to one answer: it depends. Lol! I have been here since 07 and started interacting in 15, and it truly does depend on your relationship and what each of the partners is comfortable with. So I will put my 2 cents out there on each of the issues above feel free to add yours. Control: if you feel comfortable giving 100% of everything to your partner then that is the route you should take, I am not one of those. There are certain things I hold that are hard limits and I won’t budge. 1. My child from a previous marriage, I won’t be lessened or have our dynamic change his opinion of me. I am the final word on decisions regarding him. 2. Financial separation. We both make decent money and see no reason to give commingle. I am very giving and will share, but I won’t be put on an allowance or have someone decide what and where it will be spent. I have been married before, and finance was always at the heart of most of our disagreements. Yes I feel I have given her control, I don’t make the sexual decisions, and for the most part will concede to most of the other decisions. I may not like them and tell her my opinion, but she makes the calls. Example, she has a big thing for words and saying on signs or printed things on the wall, I don’t care for it. She tries to compromise and get stuff I would like, I usually tell her it looks nice but I don’t like it you know how I feel about words on the wall. She is upset that I don’t like it but I reassure her that what ever she decides is fine and gets what she wants. She wanted my input, wanted me to like it, I didn’t, and decided her way was best. I’m fine with that. Would I have been a better sub by saying yes dear I love that? I would think she would want my honest opinion and make her own decisions after. Cruelty: her being really cruel to me would be her ignoring me and letting our dynamic slip into oblivion. Everything else is just part of giving up control. She wouldn’t do something that would be torture like hurt me in a non sexual way, so with that is trust. Humiliation and humbling can be hot, but only when done with love, honesty, and discretion. If she were mean spirited about it i would be hurt. I am not worthless. It doesn’t matter how small I am. Presentation and intent are all important. If she growled at me “fetch the dildo, your cock is worthless and pathetic” I would be hurt. If she smiled and whispered “you know your tiny cock isn’t big enough to satisfy me, go grab the dildo baby” I would be turned on and ecstatic that she was so open and honest with me. Discipline is new to me. It was a hard limit but since it turns her on, it turns me on now. One area we have not really delved into is actual real discipline. Oh she had a few “rules” broken and gave me some spankings, but it wasn’t like non sexual. It wasn’t really meant for behavior modification. I am not even sure she could. My pain tolerance is higher than her ability to dish it out. In fact a few times she tried to really dish it out, I have a defensive mechanism of laughter. I laugh. Full on stomach hurts fits of laughter. I’m sure if she notched it up I might get past that, but being bent over getting spanked on my bare ass...the harder she hits the more I giggle. I imagine that if she did it in nonsexual situations, and was no nonsense about it, I wouldn’t. Topping from the bottom: it has been discussed thoroughly already...my opinion, let her know what turns you on, if she wants to do those things she will, if not, it wasn’t meant to be. Domme/sub: for us this goes with the control. I am her sub, her needs come first, and I will do as I am asked...within our parameters. We are also equals as people. I would hope my opinion matters, part of who I am is who she loves. Just because she has the power to make me do things or not do things doesn’t change me as a human. It also doesn’t mean our dynamic will be present in every aspect of our life. We might get into an argument, I don’t immediately say yes mistress, I have my voice and opinion. Now could she notch it up and say no more back talk I didn’t like your tone and then paddle my ass? Yes. And finally yes I feel I am the sub even though I am the one that gave her control. The fundamental right to say no doesn’t change the fact that I am hers. In fact, the ability to say no but not saying it, is more submissive in my mind the an inability to say no. That seemed to ramble on a bit. I only started this because I had noticed how it all ties together and wanted to write I think.
My opinions on these matters are remarkably similar to yours. It seems more and more that our relationships have some similar dynamics. Snipping My favorite highlights here... I'd have more to say on this had I not flooded My other thread with a similar response. I think there's a theme here, and it's honesty. It's not always easy, but it IS always worth it. The cornerstone of true progress, in My opinion.
Great post Nicoftime! And yes,it depends.....lol It will achive the right form for each couple based on love , communication, respect,.....