Hey y’all! I’ve been reading a little here and there, checking out profiles. I got semi-interested in exploring the possibility of a FLR, allowing my wife to exert authority over me in various areas of our life. I inquired of her a few days ago if that was something she would like to do - and her response was an emphatic “Ew, no. That sounds terrible.” To paraphrase her further, she said she isn’t turned on by the idea at all. She doesn’t want the responsibility of making decisions for me. She doesn’t think it’s intimate to dominate or be dominated. She likes teamwork, non-sexual acts of love, hand-written love notes. I had a mom who was over-involved and somewhat emotionally incestuous, so part of me has the desire to be punished and get into that “little/submissive” headspace…perhaps to re-enact those moments during sexual pleasure/release. Personally, I’m glad my wife is the way she is. She knows about my cage, and that it’s MY decision to use it when I want/need to keep myself abstinent from masturbation. Any thoughts? Feel free to share! Winterfr3sh
You were honest with her, she was honest with you. She knows about your self-locking and is OK with that. Despite not being the outcome you might have wished for, I’d have to say this is a win and you should both be happy and proud that you spoke your truth. in a different vein though, if there is something from your childhood that you need to work out, a professional therapist (or similar) might be helpful.
You don't have to go full FLR, but maybe have her just control the key? She gets to decide when you get to cum. It's a *team* effort I think she may find she likes how you treat her more the hornier you are. Especially if you respond with massages and making a romantic dinner and spontaneous hugs and other "non-sexual acts of love". I know that's kind of what got my wife hooked - she much prefers the way I treat her while locked and horny.
It's a journey, and not a destination, I have come to learn. My Goddess started out very vanilla in ours, and upon showing her some photos, her first reaction was "I am never going to use a strap on on you. It just won't happen." Fast forward to four years later, a strap on is one of the most basic tools in her set, and we are in a 24/7 FLR that still blossoms more by the day. The key is patience, and information not porn. Porn is important because it depicts the acts you are into, but it says nothing to real world implications. You have opened the door a bit, and now is when you relent a bit. Let her come to you. Secondary to that, do things that make her feel special. Do the things she likes in doing so. Open up, create a fantastic friendship internally for her where she can see you putting in the work. Have fun in that. It makes it a very easy connection for her in turn to put it into you and your things. It's a work in progress, but can be done. It just, for the ladies, can't be an immediate thing. They have to learn it and find benefit, at their pace, not yours.
I agree with @Pretty Monnica. She seems to be OK with you self-locking, which is a good start. There have been those on here whose Wife/GF didn't even support that idea. So you at least have a foot in the proverbial chastity/FLR door. I'd say, give it some time. My Lovely Wife & KeyHolder have been dabbling in chastity for several decades now. For the most part, She really didn't have too much interest in it. But now, post menopause and kids are mostly grown, She has taken an entirely different view of locking up my cock and enjoys the FLR that we are developing. And by "developing", I mean we are working on it. There's more than just locking up his cock to make an FLR. Much more, and it requires work & time from both parties. So we know we are evolving the process. But at this point in my lockup, She has really taken control of my sex. I don't orgasm any more, except to help share Her lovely orgasms. I get all of my pleasure by helping Her orgasm. It has taken a long time for Her to fully accept that She can completely control the if and when aspect of sex, and what we will do when we're intimate. Just the other night, we had a really good day, nice long drive, just the two of us together, and it really put Her in the mood. When went to bed, She told me "I am in the mood!. Please get me a drink and then lick and kiss my flower (her ass) while you orally pleasure my flower and massage me while I relax." So, that's exactly what happened. She was HOT and teased and tormented me, to add to Her mood. When She finally DID have Her orgasm, it was INTENSE. Fortunately we had our special sheets down, because She got me SOAKED!!! (Not a complaint, by the way!) Afterwards, She got up to use the bathroom while I got the bed ready for the night. We got into bed together and She snuggled up to me. As She did She said "I'm sorry, but I'm so tired. I just can't keep my eyes open....I just want to fall asleep." I reassurred Her that THAT was exactly what our FLR/chastity relationship is all about. HER! I hugged Her and gently massaged Her as She came down from Her orgasm and drifted off to sleep. Ok, sorry...long story. Sorry. But my point is that just two years ago, She really didn't see the advantage of keeping me locked up. But now, NOW She does. We are BOTH very happy in our current relationship. I mean, she STILL asks me once in a while (usually after an intense orgasm when She doesn't have to worry about taking care of me) "Are you SURE you want this? This is really what you want?" I always respond the same. "Yes, I LOVE this!". I'm not sure if She's just saying that to make sure I haven't changed my mind or if She really still has trouble believing it. So, give it time. Make sure that when you wear your cage that you focus every bit of attention on your lovely wife. Obviously, you should do that all of the time, but if She starts noticing your attitude is more loving and caring when you're locked then when you're not, well, she just might be more willing to take a more active role in the process. (OH...I know this is long, but I just remembered something. During the first couple of days and weeks of this lockup, my Lovely Wife was confused as to why I needed to be locked in the cage to treat Her this way (better, more loving, doting over Her). She was confused why I just couldn't be that way WITHOUT being locked up. I thought a bit about that, and at first, I didn't have an answer. But then it hit me, and the next night I explained it to Her something like this. "Baby, you know I love you, but sometimes people need help to do certain things due to some imperfection or problem they might have. I wear glasses so I can see better. Some people use canes or walkers to help them walk. Some people need medications to help control aspects of their lives. Me? I need to feel that the woman I love has complete control of my sexual pleasure. Without that, without that constant reminder by being locked up, I'm too weak and I will masturbate. Frequently. And as much as I know that doing that hurts you, I am weak. But you locking me in this cage is a constant reminder to me, 24/7, that YOU are worth far more than whatever pleasure I might receive from masturbation." Or something similar. All I know is that She thought about the answer, and said "OK, I guess I can see that.". We're approaching Day 500 within the week. And I couldn't be happier with our relationship. Good Luck, ~subrick
Honest communications is at the foundation of good relationships. It sounds like you have that going for you. Keep the lines open and talk things thru and you will arrive at what's good for both of you!
Me and my wife are not into all the BDSM stuff. I wear it for a couple of reasons, to stop temptation of masturbating and to increase my desire to physically dote on her which is because I'm not wasting my sexual energy masturbating. She has noticed how much more affectionate I am to her and enjoys it a lot. She realized quickly the effects it has on me, at first she was like your wife with the ewww. I wouldn't call her my key holder, but when I lock up I put the key in her purse so there is no way I can cheat and go masturbate, I stay locked until she tells me to take it off because she wants me, which is pretty often.
Many if not most husband and wives do not realize the damage to their marriage masturbating does to their relationship
In a similar boat as you. My vanilla wife and I got into an argument a few days ago about my kinks in general and she is totally turned off by the absence of a masculine male. She can be mean and controlling in a practical way which I still like but she is not into FLR. She may come around soon after I get the piercing and cage sorted out but it's my job to take a step back and reintroduce it slowly to her.
Sounds similar to my situation ,however today my Miss officially became my key holder , I'm so happy for what lies ahead, she hid the keys this morning and said don't ask to be unlocked except in an emergency. No talk of length of time and I afraid to ask.