chastity without domination work?

Discussion in 'Chastity and orgasm denial' started by guest 2942, Feb 4, 2015.

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  1. guest 2942
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    guest 2942 Long term member

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    Im having a hard time giving my wife complete control. By complete control I mean everything as she sees fit, kinda like a FLR. Not sure thats what I want. I want her to control my orgasms but other then that not much else does it for me. But is this really up to me? Her controlling my orgasms has been a lack luster engagement so far but I'm thinking its becuase I dont let her dominate me. I dont feel submissive but crave for her control. This is hard to explain. The thought of complete denial turns me on like no other but then when im caged all I think about is ejaculation. I want her control but also want some control of my own(other then chastity) which im thinking does not work. Is it all just up to her? Thats tough for me to swallow. Complete loss of control is kinda scary to me so maybe thats why I have been hesitant. Makes me feel vulnerable when I think about it. I hope this makes sense and would appreciate some input. I feel like I'm just being a big baby LOL.
     
  2. Wendygirl
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    Wendygirl To offer advice and keep CM safe and welcoming

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    Coo talk about I thought I was indecisive but now I am not sure.

    Why just give her the keys to your boy bits and carry on life as normal .

    Not sure chastity needs you to sign over the farm .

    Xx Wendy
     
  3. Kasaru
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    I guess one thing we don't know is what inerverknew's wife wants.

    I would think her perspective is very important here.

    If this were me though I would be not wanting to simply give my husband what he wanted in the sex/bedroom department unless I was getting what I wanted to. I know I am not ineverknew's wife so my view may be different to hers, but I have to say as it stands...what is in it for her?

    I only do full D/s with my primary partner, so just controlling sex and orgasms would not be enough for me and the relationship might even eventually fail. The chastity dynamic would definitely fizzle out as it wouldn't be enough for me to keep interested.

    Loss of control can feel scary but it doesn't have to mean living like an abject slave with no rights, no freedom or pleasure. My husband is under my authority 24/7 in every way but all it means actually is in time of conflict or real difference of opinion, I have the final say. This rarely occurs because we think alike and have the same goals in life, so mostly it boils down to him making me drinks, meals and generally being considerate and obedient when I put my foot down. I allow him a lot of freedom to have hobbies and interests and he works, so he isn't chained to the radiator all day.

    I think the OP has to find out what will make his wife happy, what will enable her to keep up the chastity dynamic ( if she really wants to at all) and compromise and be flexible so her happiness and contentment in the relationship allows her to be unselfish and giving in return. Both people have to be happy, so one person getting their kinks fulfilled will never be sustainable.
     
  4. guest 2942
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    @Wendygirl , i have handed over the keys but for some reason its hard to take her seriously if that makes sense. It just feels flimsy and fake. To be fair though I'm sure my wife is still a bit niave as far as chastity since we have only begun in june 2014.
    @Kasaru, to be honest i'm not sure what she wants. Its a difficult subject for us to talk about. Me bringing up chastity to her was one of the hardest things I have ever done lol. But she agreed and has played along. The only thing she has ever mentioned to me was wanting to hear me beg, but that has yet to happen. She has my keys and no set release dates but she tends to go a week or two and then lets me have an orgasm which honestly doesnt seem very long to me. As of right now I havent worn a device in a while and we are doing nothing as far as chastity. I'm not really worried about become a slave but thanks for the scary ideas lol. I do want to make her happy but I also want us both to be happy. I have some things for her to read, hopefully we can have a nice discussion afterwards and see what SHE wants out of this. I guess that would help immensely.
     
  5. docj9000
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    docj9000 Junior Member

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    It's been about a month since I finally told my wife that I seriously wanted to try chastity 24/7 for real. She accepted it better than I once had feared and she seems to be gaining interest in it as the days go by. Even though she's a normally mild-mannered person who detests violence I can see a streak of nastiness beginning to emerge. What I still haven't yet had the guts to tell her is that I welcome this change and that I would be quite happy to make ours into a true FLR complete with serious discipline and other "darker" aspects. For example, I've fantasized to her about my interest in things such as shock collars (not worn on the neck, of course) but, as yet, she views such talk as fantasy and not as something she'd really consider doing. Time will tell as to how much she's willing to buy into and how much courage I have to try it! Be careful what you wish for! :D
     
  6. Wendygirl
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    Wendygirl To offer advice and keep CM safe and welcoming

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    You should remember that a lot of relationships are built on a very old and rather tried and tested principle.

    The man is the dominant partner hunts gathering all that is needed and protects the woman against all odds and all comers.

    Thus trying to turn this on its head is for most women not what they are looking for . For many women it's a very uncomfortable position.

    Trying to turn your wife /gf in to the leather clad dominatrix of you masterbatory fixation may not be possible or recommend

    Xx Wendy
     
  7. docj9000
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    Wendy:

    I totally understand and agree with what you write. By accepting my desire to practice a chastity lifestyle my wife is going a long way towards accepting my "kinkiness" and I would gladly leave things just the way they are now rather than risk going back to the way things were before. If she's willing to become more of a "mistress" that will be great. She's been reading through some of Ivey Green's books as a way of understanding some of the ways our relationship can evolve (or not). By exposing her to some things which are beyond her comfort zone soe seems to be increasingly interested in exploring some ideas which might have been too daring for her even a few weeks ago. There's no telling where we will end up. I'm not trying to create a "monster" who whips me and keeps me in a cage, but you never know.........
     
  8. Mistress Jules
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    Mistress Jules Professional Dominatrix and Owner of Lockit
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    I am the leather clad dominatrix that gives quite a few some rather exciting thoughts I am sure. I have no need for any man to supply my needs or protect me. I do however still want my man to be a man. I have great fun with sissys in my fet world, discussing make up and dressing tips and have great nights out. My partner needs to be a man to have a chance of being regarded as worthy of anything more than a friendship.
     
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  9. guest 2942
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    @docj9000 , I havent seen any darker sides to my wife as of yet, but it sounds like your in for a ride ;)
    @Wendygirl , me and my wife are the stereotypical couple. I am already her man. And she likes that and has no plans to change that. We briefly touched on that in the beginning of our chastity endeavor. She had seen some things about sissy/crossdressing and asked if that interested me to which I replied no, though I absolutely have nothing against it, just not an interest of mine. All of that being said she is basically the breadwinner with the higher paying job and great benefits whereas I am self employed and get the kids off to school and make sure they get to football practice. I typically make dinner for the kids and make sure they do the homework. I dont particularily enjoy this but its a necessity in todays modern world and I just happen to be the one with the easiest schedule to do these things. And I'm not trying to change her into anything like a mistress.
    @Mistress Jules I'm not even into BDSM, though she may enjoy it being done to her lol.
     
  10. BlueEyes
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    BlueEyes The lifestyle pumps in my veins...
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    "The final say" @Kasaru - is good way of describing our FLR. I do not feel enslaved, nor would if I like to. I am turned on by the fact that I seem to bee so good at anticipating her every need and wish, and fulfill her desires to the outmost of my capabilities. It is a such an amazing satisfaction on its own... - so some service submissive potential has been there all the time - I think...
    So, yes, I like to live under her control. And not "just" control over my boy bits... And I like to be marked somehow, - it also makes me feel more protected somehow...;-)

    But I still crave fairness. I am not fallen that deep. She has to be far - within reason. With great power comes great responsibility - as Ben - Spider mans stepfather nails it...
    As long as she is fair, she can rule my world. I would not like her to me be cruel, but to be strict, selfish and without mercy when it comes to sexual pleasures is what I like.

    So - @ineverknew - I really don't think off ejaculation when I am under her spell. Instead I think of the next chance to serve her and to "climax" along with her as she peaks... It gives me relief:) And I do like to hand over control, even when "the favor" is not being paid right back in sexual play land domination...

    Thank God her libido has regained strength, like when we were younger, fresh and playful. That makes the hole scene much more pleasant I would have to admit. Lets face it. We all start out fantasizing about how our ladies would turn into obsessed sexual power houses, - and it took time to realize that it would never be quite like that. But her gain in sexual awareness, - her lust for play and pleasures, is cry gratifying - and allows me to put my desire to please to good use....

    I don't know what Your lady is hoping for with this lifestyle. But the two of you have to find a balance. She might
    not want total dominance, it can be rather consuming for her;-) I am sure she likes the attention and pampering. My lady does!
    And she shines in her self-confidence and my and others admiration. And she leaves all the time costuming domestic a duties and household to me!

    I used to think of ejaculation a lot when I was cage for a short period of time. That curse has disappeared completely. The length of my denial has made wonders in that department. So the frustration has been replaced with clarification and balance. In every way. Also in regards to her control and final saying in this true FLR. And A FLR is what my wife seems to have embraced.
    Try 300+ days of denial and it will all come together... LOL!
     
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  11. guest 2942
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    @BlueEyes, yes with great power comes great responsibility! love that line lol. 300 days huh? Yes that would be tough. Makes me think of when I quit smoking some years back. I still to this day have cravings for a smoke but of course thats just silly to start up again. Is your ejaculations kinda like that? lol
     
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  12. BlueEyes
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    BlueEyes The lifestyle pumps in my veins...
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    Yes, it is a fair comparison ;-) Why have to start all over for the benefit of 15 seconds spurts... And I love being horny all the time.
    I guess that is where the comparison doesn't get along. LOL
     
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  13. guest 2942
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    @BlueEyes, i guess your right. It kinda makes sense but then again the longest I have ever gone was 30 some days with no release. Might not be enough for me to see the benefits that you seem to enjoy. I think if she teased me more often then I could become a true believer.
     
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  14. BlueEyes
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    BlueEyes The lifestyle pumps in my veins...
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    yes - teasing and her climaxing sure helps...:)
     
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  15. Wendygirl
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    Wendygirl To offer advice and keep CM safe and welcoming

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    . @Mistress Jules

    You kinda underline my point from the other side of the fence.

    If you have a penchant for leather and whips then you are very likely naturally dominant.
    However if you are coming from a totally vanilla starting point as many are then gently gently is the way forward.

    Try to change a vanilla wife /gf to a dominatrx and a husband into her maid is quite a leap of faith !
    . Xx Wendy
     
  16. guest 2942
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    I discussed with the wife the other night what she wants out of chastity. She just wants me locked up, nothing more, nothing less. After our last stint with chastity and she let me orgasm and I didnt want to lock back up she said she was confused as I was too. I told her that its normal for me to not want to be locked up after ejaculation, the hormones make me indifferent. So she said well then maybe we shouldnt let you ejaculate lol. She said can you do that, longterm? I said yes, but how long. She said IDK. So I had her do some reading while I talked to my brother on the phone. Later on she said according to what she was reading that it should be 9 months. Holy f*ck-a-moly!! She asked if I could do that to which I said Dunno lol. Her reasoning was that you take the longest they say they can go (3months i said once) and triple it to make sure the male knows your serious. Whether I go that long or not is up to her she said and she will play it by ear as its her decision. She did say she wants me locked back up immediately after she has let me out with no complaining, her new rule. She also described how let down she was when we sex one time after I had not been wearing the device and she felt I had completely ignored her desires, it was back to normal, just wham bam and I rolled over and went to sleep. She doesnt want that to happen anymore. She just wants me ready and willing to take care of her needs when she wants it. Schwing!! :D So I guess no domination or FLR. She still wants me to be the same as I always have been except for the chastity. I guess I had not known how much she actually likes this. Now that I know that maybe this time around things will be much better. We also discussed teasing ideas which is an area I told her she was severely lacking. I asked her to simply do some normal stuff to keep me interested, and that will pay off for her big time. Keeping me locked up and ignoring me all week will do nothing for either of us. She agreed and came up with some ideas. They seem pretty innocent like sexting during the day but hey, that makes a big differnce to me. The best part of the whole conversation was when she asked me if I had been masturbating at all this past month that I had been unlocked. I said yes (of course lol). She said that she hoped I had enjoyed it because it was the last time I would ever masturbate again. I love my wife :D
     
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  17. BlueEyes
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    BlueEyes The lifestyle pumps in my veins...
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    I think a CONGRATULATION is in order!:):) Long-term for all the right reason - in my and in her book as well;-)
    And of course I know the feeling of being ignored;-) not that it is fair..., but we all want more, don't we? I get attention, when SHE feels like it, and not when I think I need it. I have come to terms with that formula, but it took some time. I will say that longterm denial will lent you a helping hand. You hunger for constant attention will decrease over time, as it becomes more and more obvious that her needs, and the fulfillment of ALL of them to perfection , - including the none sexual ones, is shifting your focus away from the fact that you are denied. I find it very gratifying - now, but YES , it took some time. I hope it will work out for you as well my friend:)

    And honestly I DO get more attention, and we do have more quality intimacy, sex and all, then we used to have in the old days! Period! Sex is so much more bonding, than it used to be. It truly means something today.-) Doesn't it?:)
    My wife truly seems to enjoy sex soooooo much more now, and much more often. That is the kind of "attention" that counts the most. Her revived libido...So gratifying!
    (OK, I have the ice on the cake with Anne, the girlfriend, it makes sexual tensions and frustrations more present - I know;-) - and it also makes the lifestyle even more hard-wired I think- but hey that's another story.)

    I look forward to witness your transformation my friend:)
    I can still tremble when I think of the night she told me that she said that she wanted me to be denied for good....
     
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  18. Wendygirl
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    Wendygirl To offer advice and keep CM safe and welcoming

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    @ineverknew
    I think you have got it sorted.
    Seems that you both have the understanding of what can make it work.

    Don't fret about the time you have a life to lead and a new interest ,your wife !

    However in a rathe different context than before exploring this compleatly new dimension to your relationship.
    That in its self will take up time and be very interesting I would think .

    Good luck and I think you should have some interesting stuff to tell us and be nice if your wife posted some of her thoughts.

    Xx Wendy
     
  19. guest 2942
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    @BlueEyes, only time will tell.
    @Wendygirl , it does seem to be sorted, thanks. I hope it is as exciting and time full-filling as i hope also.
     
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  20. guest 2942
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    So here is a conversation me and the wife had last night after giving her two orgasms. Its not verbatim but what I remember.
    Her: so how are you doing down there (patting my cage)
    Me: im doing ok.
    Her: good. I think we should let you out. I want you inside me.
    Me: are you sure? Its only been a few weeks. You know if you let me out whats going to happen?
    Her: yeah thats ok.
    Me: well its up to you but if I cum I'm not going to be interested in having sex for a little while.
    Her: yeah your right. Maybe we should keep you locked up. When does the strap on get here?
    Me: next week, thurs I think.
    Her: Ok, I guess I can wait. Does it make you nervous?
    Me: I dont think so. Should I be?
    Her: Well if I like it then maybe I wont need your cock anymore. How does that make you feel?
    Me: ok, yeah a little nervous. But You would still want my cock sometimes?
    Her: I dont know. Depends on how good you are with the strap on. Depends on how good it feels, to me. As good as tonight was and with the strap on when I'm wanting you inside me, you might not be getting out for a while. Are you ok with that?
    Me: I guess I'll have to be lol
    I think i have officially dug myself into a hole :eek:
     
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  21. manintyres
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    manintyres Junior Member

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    I would love to read your wife's account and her side of the journey as well as yours.
     
  22. guest 2942
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    @manintyres , my wife is pretty private about our dealings. I have asked her before if she was interested but I got a big fat NO. Maybe with time she will be more open about things but I guess not right now. We are still relatively new to chastity.
     
  23. dirtydrawn
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    Hey, first time posting on these forums, your story sounded too awesome not to comment on.
    At one point you said you had your wife do some reading before it seemed she really got into it.
    What exactly did you have her read?
     
  24. guest 2942
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