What happens when you taste the same food for so long that you no longer think of it as having flavor? What happens when your day to day is so consuming that you cannot remember how you got there? What happens when you get exactly what you asked for? It is a strange phenomenon. Success somehow is followed by the rejection of the outcome. In getting what was desired, or thought to be desired, twas found that it is no longer a want. Further, what I want has become undefined. I had a bout once long ago with some rather strong sedatives. When they kicked in, I would become angry. The feeling was rage with no energy. Perhaps one too many. Alas, I shall prevail with my life, such that it is. Friends! can I call you that? Probably no after so many words in ill will. Whatever. Especially to you sorry cucks. Y'all can go fuck yourselves. I saw myself falling into wanting that lowly form of self hate somehow, like I had been dosed by heavy drugs, again. Then by the miracle of climate change, my life changed. I had to go full alpha. I had to take the reins. I have to still. The pleasure of being 2nd in command is no longer a luxury I have. I am running this shit show. And only I can do it. This has exposed a weakness. A rather large and pathetically cliche weakness, where I 'the man' am much stronger and more confident than my partner, who is weak and unable to take matters into her own hands when it counts most. welcome to 1955. Don't get me wrong, she is capable, but not in the way that would be necessary to survive without say, electricity? Or a man to do all the hard shit. Like banging nails or cutting limbs, from trees. Or taking out the trash. Or paying the bills. Name it I have to do it. She asks me from time to time if I would be into chastity again.... like what 99% of every dude here wants, she tries to get me into it. and I am just not into it. I am over it. I liked playing games, then life got real as fuck. No more games. What happens when you spend a bunch of time invested in learning, only to find out you have been conned? Side note, Mascara Snake if a man, was unraveling before me at the end there. I said I knew something about them, and their reply was shock. I knew they could never have children, but had not realized that was because she was a he. It was the way in which my questions were answered. No parent or parent to be or wanting to be a parent maybe someday would answer the way the snake did. What is crazy is the snake did not have bad advice, it was just out of touch. It was nothing a caring person would say, only a very selfish person, who hates children and didn't care about their outcome. Anyway, this is about nothing at all and everything at the same time. It is annoying and posted in the bar. I doubt if anyone will read this anyway. So onto rambling. I am a bit out of sorts having to do most of her responsibilities when she is perfectly able all of the time. I have no desire to serve. at all. if anything we should serve each other, but she is naturally not able to do that. at first i thought she was a dominant person who just made me do a lot of shit for her. THen I realized she is just lazy. fuck. horrible. There is a real danger to letting a submissive do all for a dom, in that as soon as the sub figures out when the dom is dependent the power exchange has flipped. A cray cray dom is the best dom. See, if the dom is crazy, then the dom is unpredictable. unpredictable and crazy makes for a good and manipulative combo. a must if wanting to make someone serve you indefinitely. That is what I can say I do not have, so of course that is what I want. wtf. No I do not want that. Or do I? Seeeee I am just a confused pos. If you read all this then I am sorry for wasting your time, but you should also be ashamed of yourself for indulging in the first place. Anyway, sometimes a strong drink is all I need. And sometimes its a beer. Other times I need to bash my head into the wall until red runs out. No not really. Really though. Don't reply. I will read it and think about it if you do.
You didn’t waste my time by me reading your post and I’m not angry and probably not to be considered a friend but I do hope you get to a place you wanna be at without hurting yourself or spouse along the way
@Joey love thanks. I wrote this while half asleep... boisub's intuition is probably right. Sleep is a good thing. Rest assured, my problems are not leading me or anyone towards harm. I just hope my endurance will hold up. I hope my marriage will hold up.
It's not an unusual feeling. People invest a lot of emotional energy in the journey and once the journey is over and the destination reacehd there is a drop of intensity. I remember when I bought my first house, the excitement was overwhelming. And then, the day I moved in, and there was silence in this big, new house that was somehow mine, but still alien, different, not really part of me, I felt something almost like depression. It was terrible, and it took days to go.