Accepting but not loving chastity

I'm almost in the same boat: I'm a lifelong submissive, and just being able to submit properly in the last few years has been like a burden lifting. However, Xena has a way of taking the ball and running with it so that I'm well past the edge of what I would volunteer for... and yet I feel compelled provide technical support enabling her to push things further.

I think what's happening is that we are submissive masochists. It's not just that we want what we don't like, it's that we're masochistic about being submissive: a feedback loop that sends us snowballing down the slippery slope. I'm so far into this process that I can't and don't want to see outside it, and like it that way.

What's interesting is who's nudging us down this slope: our life partners. Male chastity with a dose of FLR seems to just suit a proportion of women, especially in middle age and beyond.

 

I think that's an important truth here. And you can't tell who it will suit without trying.

 

HAPPY WIFE HAPPY LIFE

 

I would ask her to sit down with you so you can search online for a female chastity belt. Both of you locked up and holding each other’s keys sounds far more intimate than just you being locked.

She can find one on eBay or Amazon for under $100

 

Exactly!

 

I have to totally agree with this

 

As someone new to this myself. I would admit that this was completely my idea to begin with. My goal is to improve my relationship with my wife and her enjoyment of our love-making to the max. And make sex less about me, which it always used to be. I am giving something more in return for asking for less than I used to. Surely that's a win win for her. If in the process we are both happier then that is a good thing. My masturbating is under control and she knows that any arousal I have is for her, and that can be empowering and confidence boosting. I expect nothing kinky just to be let out when she wants to play. If I can give and receive more pleasure locked up most of the time, and focus better in day to day life then that's positive

 

That's not the way I interpret the answers.

 

I strongly suspect that for a lot of couples, there's a progression. It starts out being about him and his experience of being locked - lots of teasing and denying and edging and key play. However, after a few years it evolves into neutering-lite, with her cheerfully calling the shots and enjoying the control.

Or look at it another way round: there are lots of ways of slicing and dicing personality types, but they do all agree that there are different personality types. This popular on from Surrounded by Idiots:

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...has 4 colours, with everybody having a main colour, then two of the remaining three. To want to do the whole "Playful Keyholder" thing, a partner would need a strong dose of Yellow, and quite simply not everybody has.

"Nurturing Keyholder" requires strong Green. Again, that's not everybody.

Some of our keyholders are going to be strong Reds or Blues but without much Yellow, and only a dash of Green.

 

Agree.

 

@Crowned not sure how you read that from the replies. Shouldnt couples always be communicating and working for their mutual happiness (however that manifests itself)?

 

Good post.

 

You would think!

However, the reality is complex.

Most of us are submissives with a streak of masochism, so happiness is... nebulous, difficult to pin down. We literally want things we don't like. And if our partners start acting selfish and domineering, then we're turned on by that and possibly satisfied at a very deep level.

Then there's the relationship stuff. For a lot of us its "her way or the highway". We can only experience Femdom of she's in charge for real, with all the consequences that entails. For a large subset of us, this is also the only way we can maintain an erotic relationship with the woman we love: as women age, some of them just go off penetration, or discover they weren't enthusiastic about it in the first place. And some of us are also in a place where the partnership only really works with the woman in charge.

The relationship stuff rather makes negotiation impossible, but of course being trapped is itself satisfying for submissive masochists... and our partners pick up on that and feel validated.

 

These replies have been very interesting to read as a newcomer to all this. I have never heard of these things when I got introduced to it recently. My new girlfriend has had experience with and enjoys being the key holder. So far she has been putting it on a day or two and taking it off to get me used to wearing it as she slowly increases my time. We just finished the first 7 days straight and I was going 1/2 crazy.

Do I like it? I do when she lets me out frequently. I understand 7 days is nothing to most of you but at 23 and an active masturbator it is a hell of a long time.

My girlfriend being older and more experienced wants me to move in and give her control of my penis. So far it’s been fun and I have never been with anyone like this. She is great. But there are times it gets real when I want to jerk off and can’t and I get flustered and honestly kind of pissed off at that moment that I can’t. Yet it’s a turn on in a way that she likes this. Strange I know.

A theme here seems to be communicate and is what your doing meeting each other’s needs.

I am going to do that even better before we go further but I am really falling for her now. As long as she is not long term game, planning on locking me up for weeks/months at a time, We could continue to enjoy this. At times this thing is fire, at other times I hate that it actually works and that’s what turns her on so it’s an interesting dynamic.

Thanks everyone.

 

That there is your slippery slope!

 

The slippery slope is very dangerous, I know.

 

I think I am in a similar situation. I initiated chastity to enhance our sex life and put us more in sync by keeping me from masturbation. It has now become full time. This was never my plan but it now works because talked about what I also need. We have sex about every 1 to 3 weeks when she is in the mood. Never when she is not in the mood. The sex now is amazing and incredibly hot. It makes the device feel like the right decision because of the reward at the end. I think you have to talk about your needs and how they can work together with her desires . If I did not anticipate the upcoming hot sex, I would not agree to a full time lock up.

 

Slippery slope indeed.

I started all of this imagining being locked up for a few weeks or so at a time.

My last lock up period without an O was 43 days. Now I am on day 24 again and I am told that my last lock up was nothing and I am definitely done for the year.

Can be scary at times when they are really into the control. That being said, I have some frustrating times but I am still enjoying it.

 

Oh bless, I know it is so hard. (well maybe not hard in that way...lol) And at 23 Im sure you want to be banging like a rabbit. We started the chastity thing in our 50s, which probably made it somewhat easier.
I will say, it took me a few years of playing to really get into the mind set of total control of Weenie (my sub husband) The more we did, the more I loved the idea. I read lots and lots about the lifestyle. And became more and more interested. If I am honest, and I will be. The fact that I am married to my sub, and have been for 43 wonderful years, it really is role play on steroids.
I love the man more than life itself, but I also love dominating him, denying him what all males crave. But don't kid yourself, if I ever thought it was leading to the "slippery slope" it would stop in a heartbeat..
It is vitally important that you both communicate. And respect each others wishes. Yes I AM domme to him, but I am not heartless.
As long as Weenie tells me he accepts his situation, and we are both happy, then thats all that matters.

Why do I do it? Because I love the feeling of power over a man. Why do I deny him.....because I CAN...

Why does he put up with it? I don't know. But the fact he does shows me just how much he loves me, and no price can ever be put on that.
If ever he was unconformable with the way things are going would I stop? Indeed.
Even though chastity was my idea for him, it is not the be all and end all of life. It's just a lifestyle we somehow drifted into, and enjoying......very much.

 

Hah. Early last year Xena said, "Let's lock you up for a month or so" and I suggested sealing the device with a modelling plastic plug. 11 months later...

 

You’re a very lucky man and the fact that you’re young and horny makes chastity all the more effective. I believe that in order for chastity to be truly enforced, it needs to push you out of your comfort zone. While it’s commendable that you sacrifice your desires for hers, there really does need to be times where you’re frustrated, upset, and want to take the device off and yet she exercises her authority to enforce it over you, like it or not; otherwise, the “enforcement” part is just a game and not a true submission to her authority. Even though I desire chastity and want to make her happy, if it wasn’t forced on me, I would take it off whenever I became too frustrated. It’s sort of a love/hate relationship, I’m turned on by the idea, but I’m not willingly going to make the sacrifice needed to make her happy, which is counterproductive since her happiness takes precedence over my desire. In order for it to be effective, I need her to sternly say no, no matter how frustrated and upset I get, and administer a punishment that will make me regret rudely expressing my displeasure with her chastity enforcement. In summary, it’s about entrusting her with the authority to decide what’s best for you and your relationship.

 

This is so perfectly written ma’am. I think some of us men who crave chastity lack discipline and need a woman to enforce things for our own good. I actually wish when I was his age that I had met a woman like you who was experienced with this with her own husband and who was willing to enforce it upon me and punish me for infractions as well right beside her husband; that would have made for an awesome disciplinary and learning experience.

 

Well we go back a long time sweetheart. And to be honest most of it in the fetish world.
I have always been a bit odd, as some say. But thats me.
John and me are so happy, I am thrilled I can live out my fantasies with him, and he is very happy to go along with it. Our moto if we have one is "run with the baton" , I laugh at him. But thats the thing. now, our lifestyle is working very good for us. So thats good. I'm sure as the years go on and we age, like we all do. My bull will no longer be there. He is 20 years younger than me ( and 9 inch longer than Weenie...lol) But for now we just enjoy life. Because I have reduced him to under 1 inch does not make me love him less. Yes, I laugh at him and his tiny locked up thing. But thats it. Thats what does it for me. and we both understand that.
Weenie is ok with it. I am loving it. I know he is locked in steel. And for me that feels good.
I dont know, it;s hard to explain.

 

It’s effective alright! As fate would have it I find someone experienced in all this who knows what she is doing and I am constantly trying to catch up. She is always so happy and fun to be with. She has a way of making me want to do this for her.

You skillfuly wrote very closely her feelings she shared with me this past weekend. She wants my permission to exercise her control to say yes or no to me more now that we have gortten a full week locked in the cage with no physical or hygiene issues. Aparently some of these have to be removed frequently for hygiene issues. She did her research on this one and tried to explain what an advantage it is for me to be able to keep totally clean with my simple daily shower. But I am like, wait what??? How is NOT taking it off an ‘advantage’ for me? I’m confused with that one. I would love to take this off frequently to shower just to feel a hard on.

I would never see myself doing any of this but somehow she gets me to not only do it but want to do it for her. Everyday I wake up wondering what the hell is she going to do today? I am moving in with her in a few weeks. This is going to get even more erotic when I get to be next to that warm, soft, sexy body every night. How can you do that and stay locked up?

I read somewhere that women want and enjoy sex more in there mid life years? I need to get a plan of my own that gets her all hot and horny so this thing comes off a LOT! I am thinking why would she want to date a younger guy ready to have sex 5 times a day and not use that to her full advantage? I wish women were just a little easier to figure out!

I will say this thing makes it impossible to not think about her 1000x more a day. From her pretty face to her cute little ass to her drop dead legs all the way down to her soft painted sexy little toes she keeps me aroused like nothing I have ever experienced and I can’t even release my sexual energy without her permission and I’m discovering that both turns me on and frustrates the hell out of me.