My whole life I've been interested in kink. I remember as a little kid looking at disney princesses being kidnapped and having funny feelings from as young as five, and those feelings only got stronger as I grew older. Initially i thought i was a switch and i would dom from time to time, but domming never had the same connection to me that being a sub did and over time the time i spent domming slowly reduced until one day I just realized that I wasn't a switch at all, but that i'm a sub, and I've always been a sub. During that time I managed to meet and become friends, and then the sub of my goddess. I'm not going to lie, there were some pretty rocky starts and some enormous hurdles as we were both falling into our roles.... at times not always as smoothly as we'd like. We started with some more light play, bondage and teasing, which turned into playful spanking, then real spanking, then whipping, then discipline and weekly maintenance training...... all of which i was having the time of my life. As we went on we went further and further into an FLR relationship and again there were a lot more miss steps. Some broken communication here and there, sometimes too submissive, other times not subservient enough but over time we got better and better at it and i felt a connection to my goddess that truly made me feel alive. After hearing tales of subspace, and the mental changes that entails, I gradually began to feel different, I started to know what it was, to get there, to stay there and it's one of the greatest experiences of my life. Eventually with enough training from my Goddess i was able to get me to subspace with the simple act of collaring me. I shiver and shake, twitch and at times even moan as the collar was wrapped around me, a feeling of complete happiness and contentment I cannot describe in words would rush over me and fill me. But still more training was to come, my porn habits where being changed and pointed in better directions for goddess. I was being programmed subconsciously through our training to have my tastes line up more with hers. I was watching less and less "needy sub fuckhole" kind of stuff and going more into subservient training and worship. A favourite of ours we played on repeat during our training and maintenance sessions was a really simple video, that contained no pornography in it at all, no flashing of pussy, no strapons, handjobs...... nothing of the sort i'd been consuming but was instead an extremely simple concept. A man was bowed next to his goddess on all 4's, his eyes kept low, his wiggling for attention non existent. His goddess sat beside him on a nice chair at a coffee table and was conversing with a femdom friend she had who was also sitting at the table. The slave was not pawing at her for attention or stimulation, but simply waiting for the next command or task, patiently in subspace collared before her, ready for anything she desired. From time to time she would place one of her boots in reach for him to hold on to, or kiss delicately as he showed his appreciation to his goddess. Something in this video broke my mind. All I wanted to do was to be him, with the woman replaced by my goddess. The final stage of submission, of connection, of trust and love and subservience all rolled into one as he knew his place forever. I would watch this video, not just during training, but before bed, I would dream about it, wonder and ache for the need for that to be me. To be so lost in subspace that you never had to surrender yourself to your goddess.... because she already had you, for whenever she wants. And this is the stage we've been at for the last month or so. However there has always been some underlying tension in our relationship. Part of being in a FLR dynamic is the insane power imbalance that comes with it. Sometimes it's hard to say no, or to set limits, or ask for mercy in such a relationship, because each pushback can be seen as a step backwards within the FLR relationship.
And so i had another outlet. A group of friends I'd known for years, some I'd played with and been involved with in the past. An area full of other subs who knew and understood this stuff, who were going through their own problems, experiences and exciting moments where we'd share and validate each other, and at times brag about how much we loved it....... or other times talk through the problems we had, some of the hard things that happened. I need that outlet as a place to talk through some of my problems, because this entire thing can be an insanely wild ride. Some people need to do journals, or blogs, some people post isolated experiences on forums like this.... but i found that comfortable safe place and i was using that. My goddess never liked me using it. Her concerns about privacy, how at times i would vent some of my frustrations would be a constant source of anxiety and annoyance during our relationship. Moving into the new year, it seemed we'd settled into our roles better, and where making loud and oftentimes public displays of our plans for the new year. To go faster, to go harder, to take things to the next level and be lost in our FLR relationship... but it was not to be. As we were moving into new years eve, we'd both been making cryptic messages to each other, secret little quips about new plans and resolutions for the new year, and more importantly the new decade, but we never got the chance to say it before things completely fell apart, mere hours before what was going to be a turning point in our relationship. Here is mine: * I was to start a new course to being training for a new career, something we'd talked about * I was to finalize paperwork and be officially divorced from my ex-wife (separated for 2 years, just never got around to it) * Catch up on my taxes, and hopefully use some money i can claim for some of my hobbies (or shoes and toys for her and us ) * I was to also submit further into our FLR, follow her lead more and with less coaxing expecting rewards * I was to endure more maintenance sessions and training for my goddess so that i could take everything as hard as she wanted and finally * I was to commit myself to longer periods of chastity and denial and to continue being the best sub i could be In my excitement after she arrived, I was showing her some posts I'd made in my little community that was focusing on how happy i was, and how i was looking to the future, and how people where ribbing me for it but where ultimately happy for me because i was gushing like a schoolgirl everywhere about my goddess and the things we were going to do..... when she spotted someone she didn't like in the chat. Instantly her mood changed. It didn't matter what any of my intentions where, or how focused I was on us, all of that went out the window. The fact is she didn't like this person and saw them as a bad influence and the fact I had been speaking to them was like a slap in the face. It hurt her and it also hurt me. I couldn't fathom how after showing how much i was focused on us, looking forward to the future, trying so hard to be the best sub i could be that a little thing like that could completely throw off our entire dynamic. We took some time to ourselves for an hour while we both gathered our thoughts. I tried to show her another message I'd written days before to my best friend (who is a sub), about how I was driven to be her sub, how I was focused on the future, happy...... and then this Except she didn't react how I thought she would.... She told me that this person would never be at her wedding. She didn't see or care that I was talking about trying to help meet her goals in FLR, or planning for the future with her.... It felt like I was slapped in the face.
I retreated to the couch to bathe in my misery, adding another few bourbons onto the bonfire of failure our night had been, hurt and devastated by how I'd been received and utterly lost and confused as to how it had happened. She came to me, dressed as beautiful as i've ever seen her in a brilliant new bright red catsuit she'd bought for the occasion.... and yet I couldn't move. I couldn't summon myself to follow her. I was devastated beyond belief and distraught that I couldn't show her what I had been trying to say to her that I love her, i'm ready for her, i wish to be hers only..... but it just wasn't reaching her. So I came up with a brilliant plan. I got her onto a skype call with this friend of mine and they talked out what had been going on. They hit it off, they were making jokes.... everything seemed great and amazing. We ended the call with a toast and I thought we were all set to continue the night, to finally get back to where we were always destined to be, in a loving FLR making goals for the new decade. We got into bed and i was trying to snuggle and cuddle my goddess... when i was asked to stop. I broke in that moment. Everything came crashing down around me and I lost it. I left the house and hid outside in the backyard for a while, before coming in started drinking in earnest, more drinks, more shots, more bourbon, less brain cells. I shut down. I couldn't talk to her. I retreated to my computer and called my friend before just breaking down into an absolute mess. I sobbed, i cried, screamed my frustrations, all my anxiety, fear, confusion and agony out for hours and hours, compounded by the drinking. I lost complete control and the flood gates opened. We slept apart that night and she came to talk to me in the morning, person to person. But i couldn't respond. I was emotionless, i'd spilled everything the night before, completely numb, unable to reciprocate. I asked for us to spend a month apart to gather our thoughts and figure out what we want to do. I've since reached out to her to apologize and she told me she was not going to slow down for me and has left me behind. It's been a rough couple of days, trying to readjust to everything, but I'm determined to try and make this new decade something I can be proud of. I've started working towards some of my new years eve goals, and I’ve been locked ever since that day and pushing myself through longer periods than I've ever done in the hopes that I can meet all of the goals I stated. I just wish she was holding the keys and the leash. Once more unto the breach dear friends.
My heart goes out to you. When I read your first entry I thought, Wow!, it sounds like this guy knows himself and is going where he wants to go. Then I read the second post and I thought how good it must be to have a group of friends who are all sub who you can be open and honest with. But then things went downhill. I really, really hope that things will work out well for you. A dominant loving woman is a rare catch indeed but you are equally valuable. Please stay open to all the possibilities.
Thanks for sharing you relationship and feeling with us, this is why I am here. I can get fantasy ideas and femdom stories anywhere on the net. I want to know the failure and success stories and the daily struggles. We don’t really know guys only a small portion from what you post. Your Goddess seems to be a very capable and loving person that is waiting for you to fall in-line start acting the way you should, the way you want to, the way you have been waiting for you hole life. How do I know this, because I see similarities between you me and a few others here. I am in no way judging you or anybody here. I only wanted to say that for me, I am the luckiest man on the planet with my wife as you and other are and we and sometimes wife are to stupid to seeit or go off the tracks because we are selfish. I know real life gets in the way and there are real problems like friends they may not like but who better to work that out with than someone who truly loves you and can also give you the life you crave so much. I have no doubt you guys will work something out. Just an opinion, I could be totally wrong. BK says I’m wrong all the time
Hugs. Here are my two cents. Stereotypes are hard to break. People look for what they know and are comfortable with first and foremost; then they look for what makes their SO comfortable/happy. And sometimes they don't. From what I have learned so far, a good D/s relationship is not a simple 'I tell you to lick my shoes and you do so and love it because you need punishing' - it's an intricate psychological interaction, where a Domme should not just push her perspective of a sub onto the sub. It's more of a mutual influence - a Domme listens to the sub in many ways and guides him accordingly. if neither side knows what the others wants it's not likely to work out into a solid relationship. Communication is the key. Stereotypes are hard to break (especially the ones we hold onto for dear life, afraid to let go and lose what we think is our sole identity) but they can be adjusted.
I know last night I said I wasn't going to read, and now I know why I wasn't. I was at peace with what really happened and now was thrown for a loop in your online version. I'm glad you are writing and have a place to vent, although my version of events and timeline of the evening and the following is very different. But you're ignoring the months beforehand too when I said I wanted respect as a dom more than I wanted to dom you and have you share that. Just like our intro posts and my reconditioning and cuckold posts, I can see though that the way we receive each other isn't the same as we think we are putting ourselves out there. Shame honestly. I just took and then remembered I don't need to share our screenshots because you have them on your end. But you know what I said before new years about being happy you were speaking to your discord friends because I now wasn't afraid of you being a jerk or creep like in the past and excited to talk to them in the future, I'd spoken to the person about person whod previously said I existed to get your dick wet and thought I had certain opinions which were uncovered to be false, made peace with her after hours of your arguing and saying id never speak to her... Plus her and I clearing the air of the static and half truths told to both of us about each other, she validated the CM discord separation and her understanding then made me feel I could trust you were truly falling into your sub life and prepared for 2020. But I'm not holding a grudge, I tried a year to do my best, communicate one on one and move forward. I'm the first person to bend the dom rules where it comes to hard-line and that's my fault. I probably should have been that harder dom you make out I am far earlier on and consistently or maybe these habits/standards wouldn't be formed and negotiated. For you to portray that I'm some my way or highway dom who wants to isolate you with no flex is not only untrue but heartbreaking. I have done and tried all I could and have enabled you every step of the way, as you were trying to with me. You were new to being a sub irl and I was new to being a dom irl. We had issues woman to man, then woman to man in flr and further dom to sub in FDLR. And real chastity. CM was our mutual safe space, and you ruined that by bringing CM members to your private discord without considering what that compromised for me, or without putting that before your need to have more people know your life and interact with your other online friends. I wasn't even friends with these CM people either and you knew I didn't know them. As I said to you the day I left, I'm happy to be the bad guy to fit whatever narrative you need going forward. I asked last night as I asked on new years, please don't make me read your online post as I wanted this time to be about us in real life and healing as real people and real supportive friends going forward rather than the codependent stagnant couple I felt we were heading to be. And I read that you consider my actions comparable to those welding dom power constantly and break their subs. Not ever. I left you new years day after sleeping on the lounge from 9pm as you screamed until well into the morning. We had been pretty rocky for a while. You afterwards asked for a month of separation, which I was happy with no contact as we were done and healing. You contacted me again. I asked last night when you wanted to gift me shoes, for you to gift me respect on this post and going forward instead. I hope we can do that and be honest as best we can going forward. I stand by what I said last night, love you want to support your sub growth and be friends but that's all I can give. I need to heal and work on my goals too. I still want you to be Bunny and CM to be a mutual safe space. I just want to feel like a goddess not the witch I mentioned in my re-conditioning a sub post, and since our breakup I've been able to do that. Hope for you too. Always only 5 mins away irl. X M
Thank you both so much for sharing with us. It is heart breaking to read and I feel your pain. You obviously care very much for each other and no surprise that neither of you saw this coming. That's the rub, this is such an insanely intense thing, this FLR and there is no play book for it. Take care of yourselves. B.R.
...especially the ones we hold onto for dear life, afraid to let go and lose what we think is our sole identity) but they can be adjusted. --and how, may I ask, did You adjust his...? : )