Today was a tough but awesome conversation. I introduced my feelings around committing to long durations between my Os that I knew created the right dynamic, but I struggle to accept. For sometime, I/we have been looking and changing up the punishments, rewards and entitlements I get in chasity. The goal being the setup drives the female led version and prevents me from dominating or manipulating the dynamic. In the conversation I revealed my fear of being sexless if I submit, and I don’t trust anyone to look out for my desires if I do submit. Despite the overwhelming evidence of my KH not being this way, I maintain that psychology. She was pretty clear that my neediness to hear that she wants chastity and kink is just annoying. We are doing it and We don’t need to talk about it all of the time to affirm her desire to keep me locked up. It was the first time I heard the message. She is right, I am vulnerable and insecure in my ability to create desire and trusting others to want it from me. Whoa. I am annoying. Ironically, many of the things she does like l had assumed were the root of her annoyance. But generally the frequency and approach was fun for her. Do I was completely wrong on my value and my annoyance. In fact, I had them swapped. And that is being human... I don’t know where I go from here but I had to write it down... as I may have it turned around again tomorrow.
I was so lucky to have read about others trials and mistakes before I introduced this to our relationship. Even then, I had a preconceived idea of how it would be. Before reading of others follies I had thought that person would hold the key, unlock me all the time, tease me, play with me constantly, and let me cum every few days. Plus I thought that we would have periods where I wasn’t locked....wow that is a lot different than the direction she actually took me. I think back on if I had pushed her into my ideas we would have been doing just what I wanted and eventually she would have tired of it. So glad you are letting things progress.
This is a big issue for many of us, this need for affirmation. As @Mandynjack told me: "Trust Her to tell you if you're not in Her thoughts. Her perceived ambivalence is a product of Her superiority. Embrace it and accept your anxiety as a byproduct of Her new status."
one thing im still working with is to not pester or be needy with reaffirming if she is enjoying everything. i would like to think i have received that message and dont do it any more. i catch myself typing out a text message then delete it. or a topic of convo in person, but i hold back as i know if she was not having fun she would not continue with all this.
I can't seem to stop seeking affirmation or a sign that Jane is enjoying or wanting to encourage my submission. The more she ignores and avoids the subject, the more I feel the need to express my desire to feel her control and dominate me. I am so aroused and think so much about how she could and would treat me, I am blinded by the fact that she rarely does.
Selfishness is anathema to submission. Neediness is selfishness. The whole point of submission is to focus the relationship and the attention of both partners on the desires and wishes of the Dominant. Subs constantly needing attention and affirmation is the absolute opposite of that. Also (something to think about) an affirmation which I ask for, is nowhere near as powerful, or as valuable as an affirmation which I earn, or which is unprompted. Getting past neediness and the desire for affirmation isn't easy. It isn't sexy or arousing. But it is at the very heart of submission, and in my experience is one of the absolute best things a sub can do for the health, longevity, and enjoyment (for both parties) of your relationship.
I hear what you are saying, but submission without acknowledgement and encouragement is not reward in itself. Despite what the name suggests, and no matter how you look at it, male submission is all about a sexual feeling, a state of mind where feminine control and dominance combine to make the male feel sexually gratified and more submissive towards his domme. The bottom line is we submissive's just want our female partners to acknowledge and enjoy the power and effect that "dominating" their man, and not just going through life with limited response. Just because we label ourselves as "submissive", doesn't mean that we should just accept a minimal response from our partners.