Dom to Femdom to FLR

My Domme and I have been easing into an FLR for a while now, and I wanted to document the journey in the form of a journal. Partly for interested readers, but mostly for myself; I have a terrible memory, and this way I can look back on how things evolved more easily.

I met my (now) Domme two years ago, and we hit it off almost immediately. She was funny, intelligent, logical, beautiful, curious, and fascinating to talk to. I fell for her immediately, of course, but had to play it cool and pretend like I wasn’t a crazy person. I think I got away with it! We talked for hours, every spare minute I had would be spent talking about a huge variety of things. As time went on, these conversations got a little spicier, as you do, and she pulled out of me that I’d always had an interest in BDSM related things. [Editor's note: She reminded me that this is not exactly how this went, I horrified her with a story and she hung up! But then later the next day called and asked for some more details.] This was a whole new territory for her, and she was intrigued but had no experience with any of it.

So what was my BDSM interest? I never really stopped to think hard about any of it (who does), but it almost always centered around the power exchange elements. I was fascinated by people who take power, who give up power, and how they sacrifice and hurt to please their dominant partner. It was always those aspects that caught my eye, and being a male, I assumed that meant I had to be the dominant one. After all, aren’t men supposed to be the dominant one and women naturally submissive?

When we started to dip our toes into this world, it was centered around that. We bought crops, paddles, plugs, canes, all the usual BDSM type tools, and I took charge when she came to visit. We had some (incredible, amazing) BDSM inspired sex, and she certainly came often and powerfully. I felt great, incredible, it was so enjoyable and thrilling to give her that kind of pleasure, and know it was something new she’d never felt before.

However, and the astute readers probably already noticed, my approach to Domming was always centered around her pleasure. I never thought to use that power for my pleasure, only in and as far as it bought her more pleasure. It was like a feedback loop for me, the more she enjoyed what we were doing, the more I craved and wanted to do it.

At this point things are going great! We’re meeting up regularly, having incredible sex, and enjoying learning about each other in a broader sense. How did we go from here to an FLR? It was because of one small thing, a small thing that constantly ate away at the back of my mind, really.

Like most guys, when I orgasm I get a huge post orgasm drop. I go from being obsessed with thinking about her every second to simply … content. It’s not that I don’t want to keep pleasing her, and bringing her pleasure, but the roaring flames of desire dim down to an ember and I need to recover. Our time together was always short, measured in days, not weeks, and I was always worried that if I orgasmed early during the trip that I would ruin things for her. This led to a weird thing where I thought about my orgasm all the time when we were having sex. I’d want to hold off, and not cum, but then you start to mentally panic that they’ll take that as a sign you don’t like them. Then you start feeling guilty that you can’t cum five times a day and still show interest. You get into your own head, and all these scenarios go through, and it means you’re so focused on this stuff you can’t focus on your partner in the way you’d like.

So from there, with conversation, we started sliding towards “Well, why don’t we try and hold off and you only cum at the very end of trips, that way there’s no drop for you.” This definitely helped, and that really started the turn around mentally for the pair of us (I think, I bet my Domme recalls all of this differently. I have the memory of a goldfish, so I may be rewriting my own history.)

Being the researchers we are, from there we ended up sliding down a rabbit hole of learning about chastity. Through videos to start, and reddit posts, we started looking into the idea. A way to make it so that I didn’t have to worry about my orgasm, because it was out of my hands. We’d turn control over to my Domme, and she’d decide when and where I came, and then I could stop thinking about it.

Side note: I’ve always hated being the center of attention. My biggest issue with being the Dom was “having the focus be on me”. I hated it. I wanted the focus to be on her, and her pleasure, and not about me. I loved (loved!) the impact play, and the physical aspects of being in charge in the bedroom, but it was still always centered around the sub. As soon as things were about me, I start to get into my own head and panic.


So we’re at 10/29/2022 at this point, and my Domme is sending me links to “how to put on a chastity cage” and we’re still finally trying it. Over the next few trips we start to experiment with her being in charge, and me doing as I’m told. It’s fun! I don’t have to think as hard, and she can set the pace so I never feel like I’m failing from my side.

There’s not a ton of exciting stuff to talk about over the next year, really, it’s a pretty normal journey. The cage starts staying on longer before visits, keeping me desperate to please her by the time she arrives. We experimented with pegging, with her being more in charge in other aspects. All the toys that were used to hit her previously started getting used to hit me instead. I don’t love the pain, necessarily, but god do I love it when she enjoys it. She’s a natural too, very good at messing with my head and at prolonging the experiences I have at her hands.

One time, early on, in the bedroom she wanted to try the toys on me so I knew how they felt. She hit me with the cane and had this devilish, mischievous, smile of pure enjoyment on her face. That smile literally made me never want to go back to how it was before. I want to see that smile on her face every day. I loved it.

We start learning about FLRs as we go, and the more we experiment the more I want to turn myself over into her hands and have her in charge forever. We start talking about the future, and what that looks like. We’re not in a position to move and live together right now, but we’d like to be, and we start talking about what everyday life would look like.

I discovered that for someone who has zero FLR, femdom, or experience being in charge… She had a high school boyfriend that she used to boss around. She’d make him get up early and make her breakfast, start her car for her, and send him scurrying around on errands for her all the time. She loved it. She never thought of it in these terms before, of course, but she took charge in that relationship and it worked great. He did what she wanted, to make her happy, and she was happy.

She’s very particular about how things are done, and has high standards in a lot of areas. Her relationships often ran into arguments, fights, etc, because of this. She cares deeply about things, and then would be frustrated to see them done incorrectly. Whenever she trusted someone to do their part, they would constantly let her down. Deep down she was a natural Domme, someone who wants to control and drive the environment around her to suit her needs, but there was no opportunity to let that side of her flourish and it was buried deep down and forgotten about.

I, on the other hand, am not very particular. I’ve always prided myself on adaptability, flexibility, and adjusting to what other people need from me. I don’t need things to be a certain way, and it makes no sense for her to be frustrated by me doing whatever I want in the way that I would naturally do it when I can simply adjust to what makes her happy.

It’s funny, her biggest reluctance in the whole “switching into an FLR” mode has been trust. Her trust has been broken so often, so frequently, that it’s hard for her to trust that this is legitimate. Even small things, like trusting me to make her morning coffees, took a while. She was convinced I’d bring her horrors in a cup. One time she tasked me with learning how to make a margarita for her before a trip, and was shocked when I produced an acceptable drink. Like genuinely, honestly, shocked, that it was drinkable.

We’ve started to get over that, with time and experience, and she’s starting to really embrace the more service oriented aspects of the FLR. Researching, and learning, about this stuff is a frustrating experience. It’s primarily through a porn lens, almost always the male side of things, and focused on the man. It’s amazing that something that opens with the word “female” is still constantly centered around the man and his kinks and desires.

We’re very logical people (I work in tech), and so we’ve now started modeling our own FLR spreadsheet. There’s a place for me to propose tasks and things that I can do to make her life easier, and she reviews and approves (or rejects) them. Instead of just talking about sex, we’re now making sure that I bring her water at bedtime, that the bed is made during the daytime, that I take care of a host of small things that irritate in daily life.

I had never considered being submissive before. I, like most men, were taught that men are supposed to be assertive, confident, and in charge. Being submissive was correlated with weakness. My domme, however, there’s just something about her that makes me bask in her power when she exerts it. It makes her so confident, powerful, and she genuinely enjoys the things that I do for her. It makes me want to dedicate myself to clearing all the roadblocks out of her life so she can be the best version of herself possible. I never thought I’d feel this way.

I’ve always wanted to take care of people, I suppose. It can even be seen in the weird hobbies I picked up along the way, like getting into smoking meat. I don’t even want to eat the stuff I make, half the time, the joy was always in making it for other people and having them enjoy the outcomes. Seeing people excited to slice into a brisket I made always felt great. Still, I wouldn’t have considered that an act of submission, so it’s been fascinating to have such a change in my mindset.

Every day now, I think about what I can do to make her life better. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of seeing the smile on her face when I find something that works. I have no idea where this journey will end up. We seem to be on the same page about where we’re heading. We’ve had disagreements over limits, how far to take things, what it means, what it doesn’t mean, but we always talk these things through and generally discover we’re more aligned than we’re not aligned.

My goal in writing this was so that I can see the evolution of our relationship over time, but also so that I can hopefully look back years from now and think “wow, she was only just scratching the surface back then, she’s REALLY embracing it now. I can’t believe we’re doing half of this stuff! How did we get here!”. I already feel that way from time to time, so I hope years from now I’m still feeling it.

Editor's notes:

My Domme read this article before I posted it and left me feedback. She mentioned that what begun moving us towards the cage was a time when she wanted to try the various hitting toys on me, and she got to use the cane on me. She gave me that glorious smile that suckered me in. She described it “being like a kid that got to use a cuss word and got away with it, it felt like that”

She also wanted to highlight that when we started down this path it was overwhelming. There were at least a few times she threw her hands up and said I DON’T WANT IT ANYMORE. It’s so hard when you’re starting out and think you might like the dominance but the examples are either extreme, or just “you either have it or you don’t”. We spent a lot of time researching, eventually finding some femdom videos that were closer to what she enjoyed. When we were talking about this she said it was like “being like a trapped animal that someone offers to set free, you head back to the cage because you don’t know what you’re supposed to do with it.”

This was definitely a theme for us early on. She knew she liked it, but there were so many things to unravel. She was worried about being too selfish, and having it all about her pleasure. She loved it, but also worried it was a trick. The whole “getting something pleasurable without having to pay it back later in the form of sex” was apparently a huge thing for her, and as the man not something I had ever really considered.]

Anyway, I don’t know if this kind of material is interesting to readers here, but if it is please let me know and I’ll keep rambling away. I’m also open to hearing about topics you’d like to hear more about, I’ll make sure to keep adding her take on these posts too!

 

I appreciate the kind words! That's definitely one of my goals with this, bringing a bit of reality into things! We had a hard time figuring things out at first precisely because of the lack of realistic role models. Which I get, it's not sexy to talk about the boring bits, but it sure helps people figuring things out!

 

As this is a chastity forum, I figured I should probably write more about that. Firstly, I’m only locked some of the time. My Domme and I are long distance, and she doesn’t feel the benefit from having me locked constantly. However, currently, for the two weeks before each trip I’m required to lock up and send her daily pics so she knows it’s safe and sound.

There’s a lot of different reasons people go down the chastity route, but for us it’s really a mixture of denial, anticipation, as well as symbolic of the power dynamics of the FLR we’re embracing. It reminds me, every day, every time I have to pee, every night when it’s hard to sleep, that I’m locked and only she has the power to release me. It cements in my mind that I serve her, and my desires are harnessed for her pleasure and enjoyment.

I think what my Domme enjoys is that there’s a huge escalation in my desire to please. She’s commented on it multiple times, that there’s a mental transition I undergo when I put the cage on, and not only do I feel a lot more desperate for her, but I behave better. That and the pics, I think she likes those too!

We started out with a Kink3D cage, which was fantastic from an ergonomics perspective. It was comfortable from the start, very lightweight, etc, and was working well. However, I react to the dyes or the material, and over time it started to hurt and turn nasty. We switched over to a maturemetal cage, which has been much better from that perspective. The only downside to that cage is the security screw (it’s awful, I even sent it back for countersinking and it still isn’t secure, just comes loose by itself). My Domme hates the padlocks, so screw it is.

One thing we’ve experimented with, but ultimately ended up not relying on, is a pivault to keep the keys locked away. It was pretty unreliable, wouldn’t open when requested, and was more of a pain in the ass for her than a benefit. I think of the cage as being symbolic, so I have no desire to escape from it or take advantage of having access to the keys. In fact, most days I remove it after working out to ensure things stay completely clean.

We’ve talked, a little bit, about how that would look different in a world where we live together. She would hold the keys, no question, and I’d have to adjust to much longer between removing it for showering.

Anyway, that’s enough about the logistics.

When I read other journals, forums, etc, I don’t see a lot written about the mental and emotional aspects of chastity. It always just seems to be focused on “releases”, how long they’ve been locked, how cruel their keyholder is, and while I obviously don’t hate that side of things I thought it would be interesting to talk about other aspects.

Desire to Please

I think the first effect I always feel is a much stronger desire to please my Domme once the cage is on. It’s heavy enough that I’m always aware of it, always aware that she’s in control of one of the most basic human desires possible. I literally cannot get hard without her permission, and I certainly can’t even consider orgasming without her being here to allow it. It’s such a huge amount of power and she holds it all in her hands, and I’m at her mercy. It’s no wonder it’s like a switch flips and I start thinking about pleasing her. After all, she holds the control, if she’s not happy I’ll never be freed.

Even at night, feverishly hot, unable to sleep, feeling the cage strain, I’m still thinking of ways to serve. All my fantasies end up being her using me, me being used by her, etc. Her sitting on my face, my tongue in her ass, wand clamped against her… these are what my late night can’t sleep daydreams consist of now.

In the daytime I’m constantly trying to find ways to make her life better. I’ll talk more about this later, but we’ve got a FLR spreadsheet (we’re those kinds of people) with a list of “Approved Tasks” I’m allowed to do for her. Most of these only apply when we’re in person right now, but we’re slowly accumulating a whole list of “one day” tasks too. She deserves to have all these stupid, annoying, everyday things taken care of, and every time I can take another thing off her plate I’m thrilled to have another way to please her.

Submissive Feeling

I guess this isn’t really different from the desire to please, but I do find that when I’m wearing the cage that “submission” is easier. In my prior relationships (and life in general) I’ve always been in the role of the decision maker, the decider, and the leader. My Domme is the only woman I’ve ever even wanted to submit to, and so there’s a learning curve there as I curb my natural instincts to take over, answer back, etc. We’ve probably all been there, I submit because I wholeheartedly trust her, but I’m only human and I can still struggle sometimes to comply in the right way.

The cage is a constant reminder of the decisions we’ve made, the decisions I’ve made, and the commitment I’m making to learning to serve her in the ways she wishes to be served. I’m probably guilty of “topping from the bottom” at times, and at the beginning of this journey while she was still learning if she was interested in all this, I probably pushed her in various directions with suggestions, advice, and discussions. I’m trying my hardest to stop, and let her truly lead, and follow where she goes now.

Want to go deeper

Lastly, and probably no surprise from all this writing, I’ve started to really enjoy the path we’ve set down. I don’t know if I had “doubts” at first, I think it was pretty obvious to me early on that I would enjoy this, but that was offset by a fear that my Domme was merely humoring me. My biggest worry was that this would be centered around me, my desires, my interests, and just be a case of her enjoying the ride but not truly desiring it.

I’m starting to believe, and that’s helping that feeling dissipate. Whenever I wear the cage I find myself hoping for “new milestones”, “new escalations”, “new progressions”. I have to keep that in check, both so that it doesn’t feel like we’re racing to a conclusion, but also because it’s not my role to set the pace.

So maybe this one is more of a negative item? It just deepens my desire to keep exploring this with my Domme. I’ve already given her control over something so powerful, what else might she control with time?

The pains of long distance

One thing that’s been tough so far is the long distance aspects. My Domme has wanted to experiment with keeping me in the cage for an entire trip, fully denied, and attentive to her every needs… but she loves ripping the cage off so she can get on top and ride me until I’m shaking and desperately trying not to cum. She doesn’t want to deny herself just to enjoy a smaller, different, set of benefits, and so we haven’t really been in a situation where we can have weeks of time and experiment with keeping me caged for longer periods of time in her presence. Having said that, it’s torturous enough for even 24 hours, I’d struggle for a week!

We’re only just starting down a chastity journey, with control being time limited and centered around our trips, but already my Domme has seen the benefits of my increased attention to her needs and desires, and I think as we continue down this path it’ll continue being an important aspect of our FLR.

 

Instead of long winded rambling on a specific topic, I thought I’d just post about our most recent trip and how it went! Last weekend my Domme was flying in to visit, and after being caged (and teased) for weeks, I was definitely ready! She had been teasing me for days that this might be the trip in which I stay caged and don’t get to cum even once. I was definitely starting to get nervous because I know sooner or later she’s going to escalate to that.

The morning of the flight I got some news which meant we had to change our plans, which had me feeling a little down. We try to arrange the trips to be kids free, for obvious reasons, but something changed and I had my kids over the weekend unexpectedly. We had to switch into a more hidden flr/femdom mode, and that meant all the loud stuff had to be canceled until next month!

I used to pick her up from the airport on Friday mornings, but we’ve recently switched to Thursday evening. This is great because we get an extra night together, but part of me misses our previous routine because it involved me parking at the airport, waiting for her, and then crawling into the back seat to make her cum as many times as I could with my mouth before we left. The first time we did that I was real nervous we were going to get caught. I’ve never done anything in public before, and even parked far away from everyone in a car with the lights off and tinted windows.. I was still convinced we’d get busted. Still, we never did, and that was a nice “set the tone for the weekend” moment on every trip.

When we got back, and everyone else was in bed, I was shocked when she ordered me to get the cage key right away, because she couldn’t wait any longer. I honestly thought it might be a trick at first, leading to some threats I’d stay in there for real if I didn’t hurry up. For those of you that wear a cage, you can probably empathize with the weird feelings it always gives me when she’s ready to let me out. It’s obviously a relief, and I’m excited, but it’s also sometimes tinged with “that easily?! You’re just going to be nice?!”.

It’s probably partly related to why we started down this route in the first place; I worry a lot about orgasming too early. After I cum, like a lot of guys, I get a massive drop in desire/interest and it takes me 24 hours or so to start building that back up. With these short trips I always worry I’ll ruin everything by finishing on the first night and then I’m in a different mindset.

Talking of mindsets… I should talk about how I was feeling after two weeks in the cage. It’s still crazy to me just how … intoxicated, addicted, desperate I am to touch her after a few weeks in the cage. It’s all I can think about, every inch of me is desperate with desire and I’m just intently focused on her. When the desire is that strong, I would literally do anything she asked me to do for her because I’m desperate to get my hands, mouth, anything on her. This is why I worry about coming early, all you guys reading this know about the crystal clarity you get post orgasm, when everything shifts and the desperate desires are sated (temporarily).

Highlight of the trip for me is always that first moment when she’s on top and I slide into her, god, even thinking about it now makes me smile. It’s so hot, literally, physically, and feels so good. Downside to weeks in the cage is it takes very little before I’m begging her to slow down and stop so that I don’t finish already, my desire was already at a 9.9/10 before she even got here. I’m glad she did take the cage off.

Friday we spent most of the daytime (while everyone else was at school) seeing how many times I could make her cum. She got a new toy recently, smaller than the wand, which works better for when she sits on my face. We discovered a lot of positions where she can use the toy while I eat her ass. This is still pretty new for us, but this weekend I couldn’t keep my tongue out of her.

I won’t lie, the first time or two I went deep with my tongue I was a little bit worried. Wasn’t sure if things would taste bad, or what, but it felt like I couldn’t get enough of the taste of her, crazed with it almost. I would have spent the entire day with my tongue in her ass if she had let me, I think. More than once she came hard with my tongue in her ass and toy vibrating away on her clit. Is there a better sight in the world? Seriously, it’s no wonder I get addicted. It’s so goddamn hot watching her cum on my face.

On the “flr” side of the house we had two big moments this trip, and they are both super small and very unique to our circumstances. Due to past experiences she really struggles with the service side of the flr. She’s very interested in theory, but the reality of allowing me to step up and serve her has been tough. She likes to control things, and it’s hard to let someone else bungle something for you. We’ve been easing into it, step by step, but something I did that felt small to me felt large to her, so I thought I’d describe it in more detail.

We had decided to clean out one of my bathroom draws to be hers so she can keep things here and not travel back and forth with them. We have a spreadsheet that we use to track “approved tasks” for me. Whenever I have a suggestion on how I might serve her or improve her life, I add it to the spreadsheet and then she reviews it. If she likes the idea it moves into “Approved”. If she thinks it’s a self serving idea that’s a reward for me it moves over to a “Presents” sheet for things she’s not opposed to doing but believes they are primarily for my benefit, not hers. If she dislikes it, it gets rejected.

Anyway, “Bathroom Drawer” was on my list. I cleaned one out, vacuumed it, and then stocked it with a few essentials based on things I’ve noticed she either misses while here, can’t find etc. From my perspective, just doing the absolute basics:

• Hair ties in a container
• Lip balm
  
• A hairdryer and holder

It was the hairdryer holder that was somehow the breakthrough. It sticks to the back of the sink door, and she loved it. She told me it was like a switch flipping into the “You know, maybe I do like some of this service”. I was thrilled to hear that it made a difference but I still don’t feel like I truly understand it! I always like doing things for her, and making her happy, and this was just a regular one of those (to me).

The second flr thing from the weekend is how comfortable she’s getting exercising control in small ways. She just hands dirty plates to me to be taken away and dealt with, or just orders me to fetch her a drink. She used to always add a please or thank you onto the end, but even those are starting to finally vanish as she gets more and more comfortable with being in the rightful place of power.

I love seeing the evolution, at the beginning I think every order she gave was wrapped in uncertainty and fear. Would I obey? Would I fight and argue over every little interaction? Would I obey her orders but handle them poorly, making more work than I saved her? Hopefully she’ll continue to embrace the dynamic and feel confident ordering me to do what she needs doing.

Saturday was relatively quiet, the flr things were more of an aspect here. Saturday night, after everyone else was asleep, we threw on a loud movie to cover any noises and snuck back to the bedroom. Nothing really different happened, because we still have to be quiet and can’t use most of the toys we have, but she continued to tease and edge me over and over until I was almost delirious. By the end I was just trying to get my tongue as deep into her ass as I could go so that I could taste her. Finally she gave me a choice, I could either cum in her mouth (my favorite) or I could cum with my tongue in her ass as she rode my face.

You already know what I picked. I ate her ass as desperately as possible while she sat on my face, and eventually I came incredibly hard with my tongue desperately pushing as deep into her as I could. I might only cum once a trip, currently, but I gotta tell you; they are like 10x stronger than any orgams I’ve ever had before. One time I came so hard it literally broke my brain, I kept … giggling? I don’t even know how to describe it, it was like my entire brain was rebooting.

She’s home again now, and she’ll be back in just 3 weeks this time! Hopefully we’ll be alone, because it sounds like she’s got some real plans. She’s mentioned a few times that she wants to tie me to my power rack (gym stuff) and use all the various canes and paddles on me and see how red she can make me. She’s ziptied me to the rack to fuck me before while I lay over the bench, but it sounds like this time is going to be a lot harder for me. Hope I hang in there!

 

Power Dynamics, delegation, and dominance

I have no idea where this week’s entry is going. I’m required to write one journal entry a week, and I didn’t know what to write about this week; it’s been pretty quiet! My Domme visits in two weeks, so the new (too small, after a screw up ordering) cage goes on later today. The cage is like a switch flip for me, so I’ll probably be feeling a lot more desperate in the coming days. Anyway, decided to write about power:

I’ve always been interested, maybe fascinated, by power dynamics. Early on, before I knew about FLR/Femdom/Etc, I was watching regular old BDSM porn, but always looking for videos that “felt real”. I wasn’t sure why, at that point in time, or what it meant to “feel real”, but over time I realized that there’s a distinct difference between “bdsm sex stuff” and “fundamental power exchanges”.

Because I conflated the two, it took me a long time to understand what aspects of this whole thing actually appeal to me. When I was in a dominant role, I always felt awkward, not sure how to exercise it, or what it really meant. It ended up being purely bedroom stuff, but that wasn’t really what was interesting to me.

Now, all these years later, I realize that what I was looking for in those videos was real expressions of power exchange, or power dynamics. I still struggle, right now, writing this, to explain what’s so fascinating about the whole thing to me. The idea that someone would willingly place themselves into a position where they are subservient to another, and then suffer purely for that person’s pleasure, is such a deeply appealing thing to me. Why? I don’t know. I had an incredible basic, boring, upbringing, and was not exposed to any of this stuff until I was an adult.

In my prior relationships, there were elements of power exchange present. It was acknowledged that I was “in control”, and I would be making the decisions. I had ultimate control, and if I said no to something then it wasn’t going to happen. If you asked my kids who was in charge, they’d definitely and confidently state “Dad.” However, despite that, I was a pushover. I was always letting my ex have her way, and everything was optimized around her happiness. Somehow I was “in charge” but everything was still based on making her happy. I very rarely exercised my veto powers, or made decisions that weren’t oriented towards her happiness. I was like that with previous relationships too, always biased towards making them happy.

When I met my Domme, and we slowly started down the rabbithole of kink, I took the dominant role (to some extent) but she saw right through it this time. It was clear that I was into the physical side of things in the bedroom, but I wasn’t exercising or even enjoying that power outside of the bedroom. She on the other hand, despite having no real prior experience with this, naturally falls into a more dominant role. She likes things to be done in a certain way, and isn’t shy about insisting that she get those things in that way. It didn’t take long for the conversations to slowly shift towards the flr direction once we both realized that is a more natural fit for our personalities.

(This post is all over the place, I have no point I wanted to make, just thinking about this stuff)

One thing that’s also interesting to me is that I commonly see people describe themselves as submissive or dominant and they make it sound like it’s a black or white 100% thing. They are always submissive, or always dominant. In my career, I have a senior leadership position (and have had at several companies) and I certainly don’t shy away from exercising power over others when necessary. I’ve fired people, I’ve reorganized groups, and I’ve taken hard decisions when necessary to achieve goals. I don’t feel submissive in any sense when it comes to my career, I know what I’m doing and I’m good at it, and I enjoy being able to demonstrate it.

I wasn’t submissive in prior relationships either. In fact, my Domme is the ONLY person I’ve ever wanted to submit to. I’ve told her several times now that this whole FLR/femdom journey is unique to us, I wouldn’t want to explore this with someone else. I think for me it’s probably a lot to do with respect. I respect her, and think she’s incredibly smart and incredibly competent. I feel safe, and assured that things will go well, when she’s in charge. I don’t think I’ve ever been in a situation like it before, and it’s so strange to navigate. I don’t want to turn off my brain and stop thinking, because that would add to her burdens, but also I feel like I -can- turn off my brain and trust her at the same time. Navigating the hows and whens to apply this has been difficult. I’m prone to overthinking (evidence: all these journal posts) and so knowing when to simply stop and let her run with things, vs when I should step up and actually take the lead on thinking (because she’s delegated to me) has been tricky.

Several times I’ve “overdelivered” when she’s asked for something. She’ll ask me to research and send her the best “X” to buy in a category, and I’ll send her 46 options. I’m trying to get better about this as well, and to do exactly what was asked and not go rogue. On the other hand, sometimes it’s valued to go above and beyond, so it’s a fine line to walk.

Anyway, no conclusion this week because this is just ongoing thinking about the fascinating aspects of a power dynamic. The idea that I would be excited to suffer merely to see her happiness was almost unimaginable to me when we started this journey (which is only… 16 months ago or so), but now I spend my days thinking of ways to serve her better and to improve her life. I truly feel like she’s barely scraped the surface of the benefits that are available to her, and so I’m excited to see where this takes us over the next few years!

 

I was struggling to come up with topics, and my Domme suggested I write something about punishments. I’ve been lucky so far, most of the punishments I’ve received have been fairly mild and I (try) not to break the rules so they are infrequent.

Long Distance Punishments

One of the biggest problems with punishment is distance. We’re long distance most of the time, so it’s extremely hard to break out the cane and teach someone a lesson at a distance. She’s experimented with writing punishments, but those end up being closer to journal entries - writing about things I liked, didn’t like, things I could do better. They can be embarrassing, maybe, but I don’t hate writing so they don’t feel like a terrible punishment in the long run.

One thing we started doing is tracking things that deserve punishments on a spreadsheet, as well as a list of potential punishments. If I look at that list now it’s got entries like “wearing clover clamps during chores”, “Naked on knees, clamped, clothespins on testicles, masturbating and begging to kiss her feet…” as well as much worse punishments like “weed the flowerbeds” and “no touching”.

Most Punishments punish her too

In person punishments have yet another flaw - we only get limited time together and most punishments for me are also punishments for her. If she leaves the cage on the entire trip, then she has to deny herself the pleasure of riding on top (we have a harness and dildo replacement for when caged but it’s not the same). Other punishments are similar, if she denies me the right to touch her, then she doesn’t get touched.

Last night she talked about using a dildo gag as a way for me to be real close but also so far away, unable to touch her. That’s still denying herself to some degree, but maybe not as bad as full no touching.

She’s also talked about the danger of punishments turning her on, and then before she knows it I’m reaping the benefit of that and accidentally getting rewarded as she’s so turned on! z`

Upcoming Punishments

Ahead of the upcoming trip, we’ve had some … it feels wrong to call it fighting, but she called it fighting so I’ll call that. Some awkwardness with the new cage, difficulties managing chastity at a distance, frustration at being stuck at this long distance stage for now, etc.

She told me the other night to order a humbler, and maybe this is finally the trip where the cage doesn’t come off. She also suggested she might put on restraints, the blindfold, the plug, and then just leave me there for a while. Maybe she’ll shower, listen to a podcast, and just hit me from time to time to remind me I’m in trouble. Hopefully she forgets about the punishment pins for the cage.

So far I’ve mostly avoided real bad physical punishment, it’s been funishment at most. I’m worried this’ll be the time she finally teaches me a real lesson!

It’s weird, I don’t really look forward to being punished, but I do like that it’s attention from her? It’s the old “any attention is good attention” to some degree. She cares enough to spend her time thinking up ways to punish me to make sure I improve for her. It’s a mixture of her actually using her power over me, as well as caring about the outcome enough to make sure she gets it. It normally comes back to power for me, I love seeing her use it and exercise it and prove that she can truly do unfair things and I’ll comply because of how much I care about her.

Data note: We’ve said the word “punishment” 717 times in our private messages!

Give us your best punishment ideas

For those of you that have dealt with long distance before, what were the most effective punishments you’ve found? I’d love to hear them. Even in person punishments that don’t deprive my Domme of her own pleasure are appreciated.

 

I don't really have anything exciting to post, but also I made a commitment to my Domme that I'd post at least ten journal entries with one a week, and I'm sure y'all wouldn't want me to get punished (right??)

She's due to fly out tomorrow night, for the weekend, but has been down with a nasty head cold. We're still in the "might have to cancel, might not" stage, which has definitely taken away from the pre-trip excitement we normally get.

Usually this last week before she visits is a tough one for me. Week two of being caged, desire at an all time high, and she'll be teasing me about the things we will and won't do during the trip and all the things that might happen. That makes the week seem like it's taking forever, with all the anticipation.

If she does come this weekend she told me that she's going to at least keep the cage on until the next day, instead of ripping it off the minute she arrives. That'll be torture! Because of the shortness of the trips, the cage normally ends up coming off pretty fast because she can't wait to get her hands on me. She tortures me plenty with the cage off, of course, and I'm forbidden from orgasm until she allows it, so that can be days of feeling like I'm on the very edge.

Last time I almost came just from eating her ass, so you know, it can be tough to hold off from the orgasm that builds for days and days. Hopefully I can be a good boy and make it to the last day!

[In non-kink news, we've been slowly looking at where we would like to live when we're free to finally move and live together. It's still a few years ago, but it's sure nice to daydream about being together all the time and really cranking things up!]

 

Luckily the visit happened in the end! I was worried with everything going on we'd have to cancel. I was convinced that she might stick to her plan of no removing the cage, but luckily she only made it about an hour before I was free so she could slide right on top to bring me to the edge.

I was surprised that we were right into the shower and before I knew it I was knelt at her feet drinking her pee before we moved things back to the bedroom. She's still pee shy, so it's not a full amount, but always makes me feel very submissive and ready to serve.

She broke out the humbler on Saturday, we actually have two to experiment with. One has wrist restraints too and its incredibly frustrating trying to touch her while she drives me crazy and my hands are trapped. Being unable to straighten up is a weird experience, just kind of stuck and at her mercy. I think she preferred the humbler without the handholds in the end. At one point I was in the humbler with the wrist restraints while she tugged my leash and buried my face in her ass to eat it, very frustrating to not be able to control anything and just be controlled by leash tugs! Still, very hot at the same time, knowing I have no control over what happens...

Later she broke out the bed restraints and then used the crop (I think, I was blindfolded) on my thighs. God that hurt. Such a sensitive area and she wasn't hitting light either! She also broke out the nipple clamps which I find incredibly painful, it's extremely weird feeling when you feel like you can cum from the sensation of being ridden while also in extreme nipple pain.

Lastly, she broke out "the pretzel" as we've nicknamed it, a kind of sling system that is designed for shorter people so it REALLY folds me up, my abs hurt for days afterwards.

I think I avoided catching the cold that had almost cancelled the trip, but I was exhausted all this week following the trip and really off. Every night I was crashing out by 8-9pm and sleeping forever, so maybe I was fighting something off.

Post trip has felt kind of weird, the vibes were off, but it's probably caused by me struggling to stay awake all week, hopefully it's passing and I'm feeling more back to normal.

The trips are so great that it really makes the crash post trip painful, going from such anticipation to knowing it's another month before we see each other again. Wish they'd hurry up and invent teleporters.

Anyway, despite the post trip this was yet again another fantastic visit, when we're together things just seem to get smoother and smoother and the flr feels effortless and works so well.