“Locked and forgotten” - the not so fun frustration

It's frustrating, to be sure. I have used the term "absent-minded denial" to describe my own situation. My Wife has a negligible libido, and it's so easy for Her to let our arrangement slip into the "unremarkable" zone.

But She loves me very much, and we talked about it, and She understands now that She can and should do things for me without needing to feel like it's supposed to be sexy. Even if these things don't turn Her on, they don't repulse Her. And - the important point - these are things are acts of loving kindness.

What's also frustrating, however, is that there are a lot of people on this thread who would like to help and certainly can. Many of you have asked @Fandango4t5 follow-up questions. So far, no answer. We are, in fact, being asked and ignored. I hope he comes back so that we can interact with him.

Peace.

 

Locked and forgotten is my hard no. If I start to feel this is happening , and it has happened I simply remove the cage and go on with life. My wife/KH has been in on this kink since I asked her if she would be interested in exploring this kink. That being said sometimes she get busy or simply forgets I'm wearing a cage.

When this happens I put the cage in the bedside drawer for the time being.
Of course my wish is that I would be teased and denied daily, but that is my desire not necessarily hers.

We have had this discussion in the past and she tells me that my penis is not on her mind 24 hours a day. When you have that cage on its on your mind everyday.

This is not my ideal situation, but we are working towards a more permanent chastity lifestyle. I'm starting to realize its going to take time to get where we both want to be.

 

That's actually very intuitive and well said.

 

Locked and forgotten is no better than no intimacy between partners.
My wife is not into locking me up, so I do it voluntarily and remove every night to allow sex if she feels like it.
She is showing no signs of getting romantic and I am holding out wanting her to indulge a little in my fantasy's, If she is not interested then why should I feel that I need to give her any romance. If she continues this way, then our relationship is basically over. I have not given up yet, but I have needs and I am happy to fulfill all of her needs providing some of mine are being met.
It might be a great fantasy to be locked forever and I lost my key yesterday and had a moment thinking what the fuck am I going to do. My wife has not even noticed that the cage is still attached and now I am wondering if I should leave it on until she discovers it and then tell her I can't find the key.
Sometimes people have just run their relationship course and I think if you are locked and forgotten that may be the case.
Whilst my case is more of, I understand you want this, but I am not going to do anything about it.
I would rather she said lock up, give me the key and then nothing rather than not having a partner willing to take the key.
I live in hope that one day I will have a story to share where my wife has become a dominant woman withholding my orgasms indefinitely whilst forcing me to satisfy her daily,
My fantasy perhaps but without receiving a benefit I may as well be wanking daily.

 

I would love to understand this (as I'm sure, so would you). It's like the list is not infinite:

- She has depression
- She has a medical issue
- She just isn't into you
- She has had some trauma.

They all boil down to an inability to communicate. Something along the lines of, "I'd love to indulge you in this kink of yours, but I'm just not into it at all. It brings up all these horrible memories that I can't deal with." Or, "I know you have needs, but I was sexually assaulted when I was 16 and it's really turned me off to sex in a big way. I'm so sorry." Words like that would provide so much healing to her and you. I understand that not every woman finds a guy wearing a cock cage hot. Some are probably even turned off by it. Please women, share what's going on.

 

No it’s not. You personally just won’t tolerate that form of chastity.

 

It’s often said here that the solution to such issues is “talking it through”, and that’s definitely a good idea. But very often we don’t even understand ourselves why we feel or behave a certain way - so talking may not help.

 

I can sympathise, Madam and I have been practicing flr/bdsm and chastity for over 20 years now, and around 15 years ago Madam had a health issue and sex or play was the last thing she wanted or was thinking about, so I didn’t want to mention it ether. After 5 weeks I had ask for my key as I was desperate for a proper wash!
Afterwards on autopilot I locked back up and put the key on her nightstand, and again the next mention of anything was a month later when I again had to ask for a release to wash, and that’s how it went for a little over 8 months till the drs got the medication correct.

 

Yes, but that's not a way forward. I think in the case you mention, then it's appropriate to seek outside help (therapy?). Otherwise, you end up with a dysfunctional relationship. That's lonely for both partners. Even if you can say, "I don't know why I feel this way, I'm not even sure how I feel, but I do know I'm not comfortable with this", is better than I'm not even going to acknowledge that something's not right.

I know divorce is not a good option and some people refuse to even consider it. And that is good and admirable. But then you have to be able to accept the situation where there are certain aspects of your life that you just do not share with your partner. For some that may be no sex or intimacy. It would be good in that scenario to acknowledge to yourself that that is what you are accepting and plan accordingly. In that scenario, it seems self-defeating to lock yourself up in the hope that your partner is going to play.

If I was faced with that scenario, and I was committed to the marriage and loved my spouse regardless, which is really great, btw, I probably would not lock up unless I was so committed to the relationship that I was not going to jerk-off even if it meant I would never have release, and that I could not enforce that on myself unless I locked myself up.

What I worry about when I hear these scenarios from people on this site is that the partner is totally turned off by chastity. That by locking yourself in the cage, these people my be creating the divide they are facing. I guess the rule here is do nothing that makes things worse. No doubt it's sad.

 

I think that last paragraph is absolutely spot on! Reading between the lines of lots of posts on here I can hear scores of wives who love their husbands and are just silently waiting for them to “take that ridiculous thing off his penis” - and who are oppressed by the sense that the husband values a fantasy more than them.

Nowadays we value sexual pleasure (and romantic love) way too much. These are things given to us to incentivise us to reproduce. Once that is done, the order of the day is more about hard work, mutual investment in family, and companionship. People are sold the lie that if they aren’t having wild hot sex there’s something wrong with them. There isn’t, it’s called life after 30.

 

Simple answer, you’re not on the same page, remove your device.

There is no reason other than bad health that you can’t have “wild hot sex” , well past 30. I’m 30 years plus past 30 and still having it with my wife only a couple years my junior.

Great sex is a priority in both our lives. You don’t have to settle for less. Though, if your not kinky maybe sex is boring after a while. We wouldn’t know.

 

oh I’m not saying you CAN’T. Just that it’s nowhere near as important as we’re conned into believing. I certainly believed it was hugely important for decades, and because it seemed so important I made sure I obtained it. But it’s just like any other appetite, when it recedes it’s a liberation.
Basically it’s all good, both the addiction and the recovery.

 

Mine is not forgotten, it more like its under control and available when she wants to use it. When we were younger, she loved my cock and when we were swingers a few other cocks as well. After a few years of swinging, she was kind of put off by some of the guy and jealous wives and had mine for use. I took advantage and did her whenever and wherever in the house I wanted and our early BDSM days it was another of my weapons.

As we started switching in roles and introduced chastity to heighten our encounters, she liked controlling my cock and her bi tendencies increased. While I am caged, she does like to tease me and when she wants cock she will let me out to play. However, if her girl friend is available, I take a back seat to the two of them pleasing each other. This is the way she feels about all men, there are several really built and hung guys we know who would pay for a night with her.

 

Muppet can argue and defend whatever his point is as much as he want's but the OP's post highlights a stark reality: a man who faps too much forces a chastity fantasy upon his partner; his partner accepts it for fear of losing her man; she isn't into it but keeps him locked because she thinks it's what makes him happy; she's denied his manliness; he's denied her horniness; the relationship fractures.

This obviously isn't EVERYONE, but it sure as fuck is common.

I, personally, would absolutely not allow my boyfriend/husband (if I had one) to remain chaste even if he wanted it. No. I want to make love to him, feel him thrust and shudder and cum and sweat. And, as someone who wants these things, I can't imagine what it must be like to have him ask me to deny him those things.

 

This is a fair argument. If one party wants sex and is asked to enforce chasity on a partner they want to fuck its not going to work. In my case the cage is an equalizer for my high sex drive versus her low sex drive. I don't pester her for sex or head and am happy simply being let out to take care of myself in most cases. We do "activities" but it's all things she enjoys. Chasity isn't a good fit for all relationships by any means I agree.

 

Those are all excellent questions, @axtmtb. They point to the centrality communication plays in any relationship. I suppose it's better to talk through all those issues you raise before clicking the lock shut, but afterwards must be better than not at all, IMO.

It's taken some trial and error to work out how to approach Mrs. KyDave about things we haven't communicated about. I try to find the balance between sounding like I'm demanding something (which I never intentionally do) and wanting to have an earnest discussion. She usually appreciates that I wouldn't bring up things I didn't feel or think were important.

Of course, we've had countless profoundly deep conversations before jumping in full time. That foundation has established both of our understandings of a chatse life. Many of our deepest conversations have been while I was out of my cage: that helped it seem like I wasn't just trying to barter my way out. It also helped us both better understand each other the next time she clicked the lock.

 

If you are truly forgotten. My wife would wear her key every day. She seemed proud of it, but never said much. I don’t think it was forgotten, but expected at some point.

 

Well said. Put chastity or FLR aside. How is your relationship? Do you feel forgotten? I know we are trying to move our FLR and chastity away from a sexually driven objective. We are searching for a true D/s relationship. She is working on her dominance in our daily lives and not focusing everything on sex. It is a bit of a downer for someone with a higher sex drive, but the relationship has grown stronger because of it. Women, especially older women, have a lower sex drive. You can sit in the bathroom and masturbate your brains out, or redirect your marriage to something you are happy with. When I truly focus on her, I have found she will reciprocate. Maybe not one for one, but she does put forth an effort to make me happy. Your options are: 1, work to make her happy and find a balance, 2, give up and be completely ignored and miserable, 3, get a divorce and be even more miserable.

 

We often confuse dominance, sex, and kink. Some of the MOST dominant women I know are not sexual about it. Maybe the guy’s kink is interfering with her dominance? Men have a kink when it comes to chastity. Is that the issue here? If you are a submissive, your focus should be on her, not your kink. I have not penetrated my wife in 10 years due to her dominance. I believe our overall sex life is better than most our age. For both of us. I haven’t always been in chastity over those ten years because I struggled to find a device large enough. I ordered one from France and they were able to make it to my larger requirements, without limitations. Now I can make it weeks before taking it off. Even when I have it off, there is NO penetration. Chastity is what you make it. I don’t truly know what drove her to be dominant in this way, but I agreed to make her happy with this request and she tries to keep me happy.

 

We in a chastity break now.Medical reasons it suck either way for me lock or not.Until she get better and getting her medicine figured out I can see it lasting a little while, it hard day to day.It does affect our relationship but it out of our control.

 

You need to look at what your wife wants. Not sexual but find something you could do tonight that she would enjoy. perhaps it is watching TV together, perhaps it is you giving her a massage, whatever it is the goal is to find something she enjoys. Then every day you continue to do what she enjoys without any regard for what you like. The only thing is make it clear that it is related to your locked up state. That way she doesn't forget that you are locked, rather you being locked means she gets something she desires.

This is a very hard thing to do I understand. Our natural thoughts are that she wants an orgasm, or something sexual. This is almost certainly not the case. You have to find out what it is you can do that she wants and then do it even if it seems boring or not fun. Let her understand that your pleasure comes from being locked up and it gives her pleasure when you are locked up.

 

I'm right there with you! Your post really resonated with me. When I got to your sentence "if your not kinky maybe sex is boring after a while" I paused and said, "We're not kinky and sex is incredibly hot!" But then I remembered that I'm in chastity and 99.9% of the population would consider that kinky. But for us it just seems very vanilla now. Weird!!!

 

Exactly!

 

I heard a quote recently…oh, Melanie Rose on a Layla Martin podcast that kinks are just activities that are new/edgy for you…and become normal over time.

Kinks get a bad rap. Remember that first kiss of playing doctor as a kid? That was kinky at the time.

bring on the kink!

 

I used to think giving oral was kinky. Hell, way way back, I used to think getting naked was kinky.