I used to think I was submissive

Hello everyone!

Thanks for having this place with a traditional forum without paid interactions and the attention grabbing that is quite common with today's social media. I'm glad to be here.

I used to think that I was a submissive. Over the last 15 years I learned that this isn't the case. I want to outline my journey a bit. In school I didn't feel attractive, felt without any chances to get a girl interested in me. The more attractive girls seemed to play with the boys, making them bothered and letting them think that they had a chance. In the end, I would get drawn in only to be humiliatingly rejected. This pattern of female attention seemed to have stuck with me. I would associate humiliation and rejection with attention and intimacy.

One particular kind of girl sparked my interest: the arrogant equestrian. I adored their powerful looking boots, their sheer endless sense of self-esteem and how arrogantly they behaved. In my dreams I was kneeling in front of them, begging to at least lick their boots because obviously I wouldn't be allowed to touch such a divine female. I think also some second wave feminism shaped this feeling in me. I was inferior and bad, just because I was a man.

Chastity seemed to be a good way to “cure” being a man. Since all men were supposedly rapist and sex offenders, I felt bad just because I was male. But if a strong women lock that penis away, I could feel more at ease because I have taken away this danger of involuntarily behaving badly. In this phase I've associated chastity fantasy with the relief from this burden and as a way to actually get intimacy.

Then I've tried various devices, like the CB 6000, the Holy Trainer. I've even got myself a fitted My-Steel belt and also tried the CS-100. But I found out that I don't really like it. I like this tight feeling in the crotch, and I like the fantasy. But I do like to have orgasms. And I was actually reluctant to give up the key.

In therapy I learned a lot of my emotional baggage and found out that I wasn't submissive, I was just insecure. I actually knew pretty well what type of sex I wanted, but I just didn't dare to let these thoughts materialize. With my girlfriend (who I married eventually) I've found out that I actually like being in control, and she liked me to be in control. I wanted to wear leather outfits and started doing so. It felt really good to wear the leather at home, but the thought of wearing it outside made me anxious.

It took a lot of work against this feeling of being ashamed about loving leather and actually allowing myself to wear powerful clothing outside. My outfits say “I'm the boss”, but I didn't yet behave like that. And with more and more wearing pieces outside, I managed to wear full leather outfits outside and was proud of it. So this is where I am now, being happy about being a heterosexual man who just loves the “cliché homosexual leather outfit”.

When I feel down or insecure, the comfort of the chastity fantasy comes up. Then I ask for being tied to the bed and teased for a while, but I haven't done any chastity play lately. But the fantasy as a whole is still pretty appealing, and I think I now understand where a lot of chastity enthusiasts come from.