I've been attempting to get my wife to participate in male chastity for close to 4 years now. There has been some success along the way but overall I'd call it a failure. I fear that the way I've been pushing it in the past has set me back so far that accomplishing things the right way may be out of reach. When I purpose things, she is always accepting of the idea, but she never tends to follow through with "taking charge" or initiating sex in general. When the idea of tease/denial was first brought to her, she was open to the idea of that kind of role play dynamic during sex. It happened several times, although I always had to ask for her to tease/deny me during foreplay which kind of defeated the purpose. As time went on, I purposed the idea of extended denial to her (ie not just when we have sex, but during an entire period of time), while also explaining that she could have me fulfill her needs at anytime. She was open to the idea once again but I screwed things up. I was very pushy and would constantly ask her if she wanted me to do this or that. I would also creep her out by saying things like "you own me" ect. And would send her fictionalized chastity stories. It was text book topping from the bottom. She would give in and play the role every now and then, and she was great at it. But ultimately her lack of interest/initiating got the best of me and I ended it for the better. Year in year out we would keep trying it (per my request) but she would never initiate. Then I would get pushy or throw in the towel within a few weeks time. I eventually found this forum where I've read many success stories that always harped on how important it was to be patient and to allow her to take control in other aspects of life. Both aiming to help bring down her stress levels (libo killer) and to help her get into the mind set of being catered to and being in charge. Its been very enlightening and its all so clear to me now why it didn't work before. I explained to her why I was wrong and we tried again. In the most recent attempt I was "locked" (honor system) for a about 3 months. I stayed patient and didn't push sex, I helped out around the house, doing almost everything. She did take notice but found my efforts to be disingenuous because it was only for the "sex thing". I also think I may have overdone it which creeped her out a bit. I tried to convey that it was just me trying to make her happy because that's what my focus becomes when I dont masturbate. I also showed her some articles (like the neocity one) that back up that claim. She was mildly convinced. The only time I would bring up chastity would be during our (agreed upon) "sex talks" to give her the opportunity to tell me what she likes and dislikes. Those conversations rarely went anywhere and I often got the idea that she felt to shy or embarrassed to talk things out in the first place. Through those few months, she would very rarely initiate and never tease. She did seem to get more used to ordering me to do things around the house which was nice. But, during that time she only initiated a sexual act that involved dominance of some kind twice with an occasional pitty handjob in between. I stayed patient with it as long as I could but ultimately the lack of sexual interaction got the best of me and I lost interest. She just seems to have a hard time wanting to intiate a dominant sexual act. She has never been one to initiate sex in our 10 year relationship and I think thats one of the biggest hurdles we are facing. Normally we have sex once a week (she initiates maybe once a year, if that) or so but when she is in charge that number drops drastically. I also think the mistakes Ive made in the past have made her very put off on the whole idea. So I'm writing here to ask if I should try again but wait an even longer time. In your experience, who long did it take your wife to become more comfortable with chastity/dominance? To a point where sex or at least acknowledgment of some kind is occurring on a more regular basis, maybe weekly? I'm now accepting of the fact that its all about her and what she wants. I cant have my cake and eat it too. But the fact is, if she only wants sexual pleasure once a month, I'd prefer to go back to our old sex life which we both enjoy quite well. Thanks!
There is no rule that chastity has to be centered around the woman initiating nor should he be long term denied. What you are describing is more of an FLR type relationship which is a later phase typically in this journey. My wife NEVER initiates sex in any way, shape or form. Not even a kiss. So we are experimenting now with her holding my key and keeping me locked until she wants me released. But in the meantime I still ask if she wants to have fun tonight and so far this year I have had the immense pleasure of giving her orgasms orally 3 times where I then asked if I could be unlocked and she said not tonight. That was a whole new level of awesome. We also had PIV once where I was allowed to finish. I am not pushing her at all, even though I wish she would give me a little tease here and there (zero so far). But it is a work in progress. You may find she is reactive and needs you to get the idea in her head, that may be the way it will have to be. It does seem like she is willing to play so try and get the chastity thing down first, then decide if an FLR is in your future...
Honestly was never into the FLR aspect but its the only way I get ive been able to express my sexual energy at this point. I have tried initiating in the past but then it just ends up being normal sex for the most part. Thank you for the response, I think what you described would be a good path for us. I just need to find a way for her to desire something other than PIV.
You can have PIV- just ask her to have you hold off from finishing. If she doesn't have anything in mind tell her you would like to start to only have one release a week and go from there...
I think you were doing very well. But there's nothing wrong with "going back", either. This is about you and your wife, and perhaps you should ask her ;-)
Wow, I just started typing and way more came out than I was thinking. Cliffs, it takes time, let her grow, its her choice, and if she is ok with it make suggestions on what happens. As its up to her what happens. One of the hardest things for me was giving up control. And after years its still difficult. What I mean by this, is its her choice. I am locked up by her, for however long she wants. Then unlocked by her choice. That may be for teasing, not that often. Or for a hand job, or PIV. When we got started I had all those fantasies of crazy domination ect..... So after being locked and her unlocking me and giving me a hand job I was let down. But that is what she wanted. With time I learned that any orgasm she gave me was a gift. And the longer periods of lockup lead to those orgasms being very intense. To the point that I was getting off and it feels amazing. So will welcome an "old fashion" anytime. Starting out with small steps I look at where we are now with some things and cant believe we are there. But it happened incrementally with small steps. We would introduce something new slowly, then it would get done more and more increasing in intensity. Like teasing. For the longest time it was always done caged. If I had done good, she would play with the cage for a bit before bed. When we started, I wanted more than that. But again after time of being locked I grew to really appreciate whatever I got. That over time finally lead to where we are now. Granted this does not happen all that often but she will do it. Hand cuffed, gaged, blind folded, ear muffs, cage removed, edged several times, then locked back up before all the restrains are removed. I WOULD HAVE NEVER THOUGHT any of that would happen even when we where a year into chastity. But years later, here we are. Not sure if many people can or want to wait for years for stuff like this to materialize? But just reflecting in the moment, if we hadn't taken it slow, we still would not be doing such things. So, I guess that is a win....... Also, I know what you mean with initiating. This was something that we struggled with much at the beginning. What we feel into is me making "suggestions". Overall my sex drive and fantasy are way above what she can comprehend and or match. So I will "suggest" this or that. I cannot talk about it too much or often. But she takes note and will sometimes use this or that from what I "suggest". If I am talking to much about it, she will let me know and shut it down with time added if I don't stop. Then other times If I have been really good and she wants to reward me she will just ask me what I want. I had to get over the fact of her just doing it. So I will "suggest" whatever. She may do some of it, all of it, or none of it. But again, ITS HER CHOICE. And again reflecting on this, whatever let down I may get from having to initiate who cares, kinky stuff is happening. That would otherwise not be happening at all....... One other thing we have done that has helped with the kink of rewards is note cards. I wrote down several different scenarios. Then with either me "suggesting" I have been good, wink wink to remind her and SHE CHOOSES to do something or just on her own she can reference these cards. Pulling wherever bits she feels that I may have earned. Lastly, one of the main reasons we got into chastity was the difference in sex drive. I grew bored of our normal sex. And even though this has lead us into more kink, that being primarily things she does for me that I have earned by serving her. Our normal sex does not happen as much anymore. So anytime I am allowed this, I much enjoy it. Once you don't do it as much it brings back the excitement.
I have to agree… I originally fail into the fantasy that it was all about me. I had to do a lot of stepping back. Basically, I’m wanting to use chastity to keep from playing with it and share those moments with my wife, hopefully she will decide if I get to orgasm or not and how. Which she does mostly Kinda difficult without the cage as I don’t have much willpower in this area. She doesn’t like the cage, so been wearing it at night and until she gets home from work. I’m thinking keeping it on and if she notices I will ask if she wants me to take it off. From all my reading this doesn’t seem to be a cookie cutter lifestyle:/
https://happy-marriage.neocities.org/ I found the link above on one of forums. This has helped me to refocus (at least the parts that pertains to my relationship). My wife would not be open to read this and all the stuff listed would be to overwhelming to process if I just sent her the link.
What do you do to help her feel sexy, beautiful, needed, loved, appreciated? Maybe focus on those things rather than femdom sex.
100% agree, but also to me, that's what makes it interesting. There may be similar journeys, but for many, it's about the journey of works for the two of you. Takes bits/pieces, advice that you like, don't like and you guys apply it to how it works for you.
This is something I needed to hear. My wife is happy to keep my key until she is ready for PIV, and even then sometimes after the PIV she will tell me to lock back up and keep the key for an unknown amount of days. Longest has been 5 months. Usually is 2-3 weeks. But I always want/expect her to initiate it. I still would like her to but homestly that is not her. I just feel bad initiating it because then it feels like I am doing it in hopes that she will let me out after her orgasm and not doing it because she wants it. We use the want to have fun code word as well. Seems harsh to ask if she wants to have an orgasm or sex.
Since I started using the phrase "want to have some fun tonight?" it has made a word of difference. It sounds so innocent and more difficult to say no to- I mean, who doesn't want to have fun? Like you, I wish she would initiate but that just doesn't happen yet but it may over time. I also know she doesn't like back to back days (yet!) so I know not to ask the next day but I sometimes will ask her if we could spend some extra time kissing or touching each other before bed. That has helped increase her acceptance of intimacy. (We are working our way out of a long term dead bedroom and my wife doesn't have any real sexual desires or impulses but she has said she knows we need to be intimate more). We have discussed this and we both agree that since she doesn't think of intimacy it will have to be me to ask and she will have to accept that I will ask often. When she says no I say ok without ever being upset and she will often follow up with maybe tomorrow or something like that. It is very hard to be in a relationship where your partner doesn't just come up and touch or kiss or ask to get it on but I am working with what we have. Hopefully as things become more normalized my wife will start having her own wants and needs to be fulfilled (it is equally frustrating to have a partner who doesn't really desire an orgasm or for me to do more work around the house/relationship). We read all of these guides and books and sites set up to show a woman how to "train" their husband/boyfriend using chastity as a tool to get what she wants. I find it ironic that I need to employ a similar guide to get to the point where my wife could then use those other guides lol...
Dude, keep it simple: She holds the key, you wear the cage, she let's you out when she wants sex. She needs to know that you always want her, even if she isn't up for it. That's just how nature made women. Don't send her any links, stories, memes, etc. Don't get all subby on her because that is a turnoff for most (not all) women. She doesn't sound to have a dominant streak and you can't force that on someone as it just won't work for more than a play session at best. You wear the cage and be eager to fill her at any chance like a normal man. All your sexual energy belongs to her and doesn't get wasted on masturbation. Keep it simple and let her evolve it if she wants. Most guys here would just be happy to have a partner that would hold the key and not act weirded out by the cage.
That only works if your KH initiates sex. At one point I said that's it, I will not initiate again- the next time we will be intimate is when she asks for it. We went almost 2 years until I caved. Caused a lot of issues in our relationship.
Candidly, this seems like awful advice. If someone is not use to initiating in a 10 year relationship its not just going to happen all of a sudden. I feel like going about it that way is a way for both parties to have a terrible time. I get it, "its about her". But lets not act its ALL about her in any relationship, ECSPECAILLY chastity. If you are giving control to your wife your are certainly doing so to get something out of it. You can frame it however you like, the bottom line is that mutual happiness is the goal. I was simply asking for others experiences on how long it took for their S/Os to start initiating more, if at all. In your case it seems the answer is a simple "I dont know"
I didn’t say anything about waiting for her to initiate sex and I’m pretty sure I said to do the opposite of that. You can initiate if locked but don’t be a pest if she says no.
I took when you said "she holds the key, you wear the cage, she lets you out when she wants sex" to mean you wait for her to initiate, not the opposite. I didn't see you mention the guy initiating at all.
Yeah, I have done a lot of trial and error. 4 days ago I talked to wife regarding using the cage to keep me from playing with myself outside of spending time with her. Letting her decide the appropriate time for me to masturbate/orgasm. Attempt number 3 I desire my cock to be used for her pleasure or amusement Now 4 days I have been wearing the cage. After fighting the morning attempt break out of the cage. She put her hand on my thigh. The battle started over My opinion, I feel partners are willing to use the cage when dealing with to much time alone with your carrot and you let them know your desire for that time to be shared/decided by her. Seems like a win win situation I have decided not to mention the cage, ask to cum, masturbate or anything sexual related to me. You might get teased, you might stay locked and nothing I think both can be an emotional rollercoaster. I can think about my wife and what she wore a few days ago and get excited I don’t see why you can’t still pursue your partner with the end goal of pleasing them. Every relationship is different and so is your partner. What works for one on this site might not work from you, but you can pick and choose the advice and apply it to your journey
My wife refuses to deny me, in fact she insists that I finish and she wants it in her 99% of the time. I've been here a short while and the folks here are amazing, if I learned anything from them it's that chastity is different for everyone. Do whatever it is that your wife likes, listen to her and go with it.
Quite possibly my favorite part of all this... There is no "one size fits all" cage that I'm aware of... Happy wife = Happy pet! (or sub, slave, etc.)