How do I help her not feel guilty

I introduced chastity and we have been playing with using it on & off for several years. My wife was not at all enthusiatic about it initially, gradually she began to 'tolerate' it and started to see some benefits to her.
I still love haveing sex with her while remaining locked, using my fingers, tongue & her toys, but she would usually get me to unlock and finish inside her (out of pity/duty in my view). I wanted to stay chaste but the urge to cum was too strong.
On 1st January 2022 I locked myself again and gave her the key. To make her feel more comfortable not unlocking me when we have sex I bought an emergeny key box that has a clear plastic front that has to be smashed to access the key. This lives in my wife's bedside table and seems to have helped her become comfortable with not having to unlock me when we have sex.
Her pity/duty still often manifests itself by her encouraging me to get on top of her and thrust my locked willie against her wet pussy, after she has already cum several times. We only have sex when she desires it, which is much less frequent than I would like, so I am always ready & willing to perform.
My wife has gradually allowed herself to become more dominant. i think most women are conditioned from young to be generally submissive to men and it takes a bit of help & time for them many of them to become comfortable expressing purely their own needs. Male chastity & having the key not too easily accessible has helped my wife become more comfortable enjoying sex on her terms and not having to do what she thinks I want/need. I get my pleasure from her orgasms and she appreciates that for years I would get to cum in her and she would not get to cum as I didn't last long and she was only ahving sex for me. She was often not in the mood. Well that never happens now. Sex is infrequent, but so much more satisfying for both of us.

 

I was in the same boat. What helped me in the beginning was the kitchensafe and that my hubby thanked me for everything even i said no.
Stay focused on her and her needs and wishes and keep thanking her for everything.

 

As others have have said, talk to her and let her know it’s what you want and it makes you happy, but with that being said, don’t be to pushy about it,

 

Awesome, awesome, awesome! Lots of success stories this week.

 

You actually sound like Mistress Alisa here, are we sure this isn’t the actual Mistress Alisa?
I don’t know, but I’ll weigh in.
She is good. She does understand the male brain very well.
Keep in mind, Mistress Alisa does not like long-term chastity which is what a lot of us here want.
Mistress Alisa thinks a hotwife or cuckold relationship is a sham. Many of us here would love to be in such a relationship.
Kink Friendly is a great show to listen to when you need to remind yourself that it is you that wants to surrender control to your Woman.
Mistress Alisa can help get you on track.
But like everything, it needs to be taken in moderation because She is on an extreme end of the spectrum.
Mix in some Keys&Anklets, Krystines FLR, Shameless Sex, Consenting Adults, and even Strictly Anonymous.

Edit:
It’s the line about chasing the first orgasm.
Maybe I’m different than everyone else.
Kink Friendly does a whole episode on it.
Like unlocking the secret has to do with the man’s first orgasm.
I couldn’t remember if my life depended on it what my first orgasm was like.
It couldn’t possibly mean less to me

 

Good god, I wrote all that, didn't I? Ok, I need to go re-read it and provide any updated thoughts.

I do remember my first orgasm. Most of my male sexual life reads like (a really tame) version of Alisa, No More Mr. Nice Guy, etc. That's changing.

 

I'm not Alisa. Wow, this was from July 2022. I was on a spiritual journey of enlightenment at the time. I may not have encountered the others at that point, I think I was just discovering some of them, like Kristine's FLR. Absolutely include those and anything else. Alisa is one perspective. It's what I had been listening to a lot of at the time.

 

No, no, do go on…

 

Others? I’ve missed so much this last week… point me in the right direction.

 

Mine and @Stephplayswithyou off hand, but I thought I've read a few other good stories this week. I'll see if I can find them again.

 

Oh Jesus. I just re-read your post on the ‘click’. It has been a good week… for everyone else but me it seems, honestly could not even focus with the drop-like mood.
Congratulations guys!

 

Haha, thank you!

 

I shared your journal post today with my wife because it perfectly described the morning we had. It is amazing to watch her go, and enjoy where we are. She is loving it!

 

It’s brilliant, that moment, not only when your partner has accepted that chastity could be a part of their life in general, but also found the enjoyment within the associated control. Almost magical.


P.s. Im also slightly humbled that people share my work.

 

It is...it really really is. I can't describe it, but it is more powerful than when we got married. Basically, after building a life together, career, kids, our little space in the world, etc, this is a major rebirth in our relationship and connection.

Experiencing my wife over the past almost week now has been a magical thing and something I am humbled to be a part of. It really makes me further want to do anything I can for her. And love seeing her happiness...

...and share my experience and feelings. Your posts are fantastic, to give examples, show the art of the possible, illustrate the emotional aspects. I could not have gotten to this point without your posts and support of others on this site. It is NOT easy to transform oneself and relationship into something this amazing. And make it super fun along the way.

Thank you!

 

Encourage and empower her to become the sadistic queen she was born to be, that’s what I did 10 years ago, and we have never been happier.

 

I went through a relatively short period of feeling guilty about denying him. But during that time, that guilt spoiled sex for us. It made me rather self-conscious about the whole chastity thing, which in turn made it rather difficult for me to enjoy myself. And he could sense that, and we went into a bit of a downward spiral.

The thing that fixed it for us, almost overnight was my chap explaining to me how stressful he found the expectation of always being in the lead. He has a responsible job and he told me that at home he wanted to be able to switch off from that feeling of having to be responsible and in the lead. Fortunately, I've been in the opposite position - constantly being bossed around at work and fantasising about having more control. Taking that responsibility for his sexual satisfaction, and mine, was very difficult at first, and sometimes still is, but the guilt went away almost overnight when I understood and believed what he was telling me. I also learned that what he wanted, even more than fondling, or to come, was sexual attention. It didn't ean he had to come, or even be able to get hard (in his cage, he couldn't!) but it did mean I had to learn to pay him plenty of attention and make sure he didn't feel forgotten. That actually felt like quite a lot of effort at first, (I almost wore my thumbs out texting) which was another thing that stopped me feeling guilty! Something else that helped was that after he'd been denied for a while, he fancies me more and watches me in a rather different way, which I find very flattering and exciting. And because I'm in control (which I love), his attention remains focused on me.

At first, I didn't quite beleive what my partner was telling me, but I reckon men are simple creatures (forgive me!) and if one is telling me that they get very excited by being denied and by me being in control, and them giving me pleasure, then, well... I guess I started believing it and the guilt vanished.

Sal

 

That is pretty much what happened with me and my wife. She came around a little more quickly than you because we did a 90 day lockup not long after starting chastity because I "cheated" with a vibrator on my cage one day. We thought the 90 day lockup would help me learn self control (It did), but it really helped her learn not to feel guilty. We have sex now more than we ever did before chastity, even than when we were first married, just without my orgasms.

She asked while we were laying in bed last night about how often I used to play with myself before chastity (something I kept hidden from her). I told her it was not that frequent.... she has more orgasms now than I did before chastity even with my solo acts.

I don't think denial is really that "simple". Most men want sex when they are teased and, if denied, will take matters into their own hands. I'm still learning how powerful a tool denial can be. When she suggested a one month minimum between orgasms for me to keep me in "the zone", I was getting hard for days just thinking about it. It's making me strain in my cage just typing this.

My wife loves the attention you describe in your post. I'm sure most women do to. That seems "simple" too. But most women think lock, tease and deny is crazy. It's clearly not easy to wrap your mind around.

Continue to enjoy your journey! Thanks for sharing here and in your journal!

 

Maybe make up some love cheques that you can give her when you want to be unlocked.
She could also have ones to give to you when she wants you to be unlocked for PIV sex.
Let her know that as your KH it is your desire to be locked and that if you feel she has been unfair in keeping you locked that you will give her a cheque for a release.
This way if you never give her a cheque she will know it is still what you want no matter how she is feeling about it.
Always pleasure her however she wants and be grateful to her for denying you orgasms.
The cheque becomes like a safe word. You can beg for release but unless you hand over the paperwork she never needs to release you.

 

Talk, talk and talk. Lots of encouragement i.e. the story you mentioned when you gave her oral and you stayed locked. Give her feedback about that (and the other occasions), tell her how much it meant to you, how you felt, and that you want to have a lot more experiences like that.

If she's not naturally dominant she's going to need to learn stuff from someone/somewhere, so tell her the kind of things your expecting her to do, she's not going to be able to just think of them herself initially. Then tell her the most important word of all - "No". And at some point you need to tell her of your expectations. i.e. when locked it needs to be a minimum of ... and no longer than ... and sometimes you want to let out for and orgasm, sometimes you don't, might be until she's had 3 or 4.

Take lots of small steps and you will eventually get to where you want to be.

In our case, one day it just clicked with Lady C that what she was doing was actually pleasurable for me and therefore she was making me happy in a crazy kind of way.

Just realised, that this original post is over a year old. Hopefully by now, your well on the way to being a chaste male in a female led relationship.

A