Forgive me if this has been asked before. I have done plenty of reading here and I am asking for some advice. Only a couple of months ago after much discussion with the SO, chastity was agreed. I thought that this brought us a bit closer and we were certainly more intimate more often. The agreement we had was that I would wear it and manage the key as she didn’t want to have that responsibility. The problem arose with the need for the SO for PIV. With the key on a timer and no access she became frustrated and stated that she would like one night a week unlocked. This was even though she was achieving orgasm and I was certainly focussing on her. I suggested that she decide which night but that suggestion was declined. Being that I didn’t want to top from the bottom I let it go and tried to manage. Unfortunately the frustration with my SO grew until such time as the displeasure with the current scenario was voiced and I haven’t worn my cage since. That was three weeks ago and now my disappointment is growing. I am seeking help with how to approach this. The initial conversation for the introduction went poorly for me and I don’t think I voiced myself well. Whilst there was tacit agreement there was clearly in the end no real agreement. I want to have the discussion again but fear a similar outcome. I have written what I want to say down but not sure about when I should broach the subject. Is it best to provide her with what I have written or like a bandaid just rip it off and launch into the discussion? cheers in advance.
It sounds to me as though there might be some communication problems in the relationship. I personally prefer the direct approach when dealing with difficult or complex situation. Simple direct language reduces the chances for things to get lost in translation. When you bring up the subject again, try to focus how she felt about the past experience, and what caused her frustration. If you can identify the root cause of the problem with your SO, you can work together to find a solution. I wish you luck.
You might want to move to plastic locks or something like that... no one should have to plan a day they have sex... There is also a feature on locks with timers to reset the time in case of emergencies... My point is... I don't think you need to use a lock box with a timer... I think if you want to continue to use the timer lock, your wife should have a key where she can access you as well... have her put it on her key chain or something... Lastly, chastity relationships where a male introduces chastity to the female are difficult. What are the pluses "+" for her to want this in the relationship? Shoot me a message if you need someone to talk to or vent. It can be frustrating.
If your wife really wants to have nothing to do with chastity, making it more difficult for her to have sex with you when she wants is not going to endear her to the concept. I like the plastic lock idea. Do you have a good, realistic, objective idea of what you're like after intercourse - your post-coital demeanor? If so, consider under what circumstances that sort of attitude / behavior would be best put. Is there any specific day in your week - an event, a set of household chores, an appointment, etc - during which those attitudes would be best deployed? If so, schedule your sex day for the day beforehand. You're not topping from the bottom: you're using self-knowledge to do what you've been asked to do, and likely creating a better environment for both you and your household by doing so. I make this suggestion a lot, but it seems to work for some people: have you considered getting a strap-on harness that can accommodate your chastity device, and then finding a dildo that matches your penis size and shape (maybe a cyber-skin one or a similar model)? You stay locked, and your wife gets a close facsimile of intercourse with you. It sounds like this chastity thing is your fantasy, and your project. It'd hard to top from the bottom when you have no willing top. I think you're going to have to accept that this is something that you're doing for yourself, and that at present the best you can hope for is to limit conflict with your wife over it and move to a point where she's at least humoring you about it.
Chastity is supposed to put HER in charge of your sex life. This means that she can deny you, but it also means that you are on call for sexual duty at all times. Any sexual duty she desires, including PIV. Don't turn this into a thing where it makes her feel sexually limited when it should make her feel sexually empowered. So either you leave the keys in an accessible place and just don't use them, or you put them in a lock box with a combination that is only known by a photo on her phone, or some other way that she can easily access at will. You can't lock it away from her. It is hers on demand. Just my opinion.
I agree with the above. So far, YOU are the one setting limits and rules for HER. And it shouldn't be this way.
Well, seems I have some self reflection and then need to set aside some time for a talk. Thank you all so much.
If you both want to do this, then decide on your own rules. If she wants PIV, then she unlocks you. If she wants something else or nothing at all, stays locked. You are meant to be denied, not the SO.
Well thanks to you all. I have taken what you have said on board and we sat down today and had a conversation. My SO noticed my change in demeanour over the last three weeks and whilst perplexed thought it was because of my return to work after a long layoff due to injury. When I explained myself my thoughts and listed to her it became clearer. Like what was said above, she felt restricted and that she was prevented. The key available to her and the honour system for me has been set up. Also we have been together for a long time, and my behaviour with expectations around intimacy has conditioned her to act a certain way to any intimate interaction with me. She wants the control but feels it will take her some time to take that but today we start. What can I say but thank you for your words and advice. Onwards and upwards we go.
I’d suggest that she put a key on her key ring so that you only get unlocked when she is home and the only rule is that you don’t masturbate and she has access whenever she wants. If you want to try orgasm denial yet keep her happy, she can tell you to apply Uber Numb and a condom about ten minutes before any PIV. Foreplay can start as soon as you have the condom on and she can slowly stroke and tease it to erection which massages the numbing cream deeper into the skin. After ten minutes you can do whatever and you won’t be able to quite make it to orgasm but she will get as much as she can stand. You can even wash it off after about 20 minutes and the effect will last for a while. It still feels good but you won’t quite make that peak to orgasm.
There is also some literature that she could read if so inclined, if you google keyholders guide to chastity it will point you to a few online guides that explain in more detail what chastity is about and what is in it for them. It took my wife nearly 2 months of me being locked to get around to reading up on chastity, but when she read the first little bit, it was like a light bulb moment for her and she realised what was in it for her and the commitment I was making. Patience and communication