Am i being unreasonable

i am in a very similar situation to you, albeit there is intimacy very sparingly and my wife doesn’t even want to see or feel my device.
i self lock in an effort to control my masturbation urges and to lower my sex drive.

 

Excellent! Maybe an equal-to-equal approach combined with the cage when the mood takes you is the plan to stick to for the time being.

Like it was said here, a bdsm relationship - like any relationship, really - is a dynamic so both partners have to adjust to new circumstances and adjust those circumstances to their mutual needs.

 

Well said! An issue her may be that she isn't into BDSM. There is frankly very little discussion within chastity circles about BDSM and yet they are all attempting what is a BDSM dynamic.

Everyone should get involved with their local scene and learn to do it right. A Dominant serves the Dynamic and a sub serves their Dom/Domme.

One of the most important rules for a successful D/s is that the needs of the sub come before the wants of the Dominant, the needs of the Dominant come before the wants of the sub.

It is a dynamic, a fantasy to spice up sex, a never ending foreplay. If it's not fulfilling for both parties, it really isn't much of a dynamic. @OP, it really seems like she is either not into it, or she's (in a clumsy way) trying to give you what you want.

 

Being locked in a cock cage does this for you? WTF!? Exact opposite for me...

 

Kink or vanilla, sex or no sex, mutually enjoyable long-term relationships depend on joint communication.

Adding kink, requires more communication. Declining to communicate with your partner is a symptom of a deeper problem, not just kink aversion.

Recognizing the symptom exists, and willingly needs to be addressed by both parties, is an indication the relationship is worth working hard for and is equally valued.

Time, absent communication, will not improve a relationship.

 

What does she mean by "mental block"? What exactly is her problem? Is seeing caged a turn off or is it a situation where she's having to do all of the work regarding the cage, as in being responsible for locking, unlocking / installing, removing?

You wrote that you and her have been involved in a femdom lifestyle for years. Have the two of you been solo or part of your local scene?

 

She's telling you that she is turned off by the cage. If you want to have a productive conversation, you have to start by acknowledging that her position has merit, even if it's not what you want.

 

I agree with @locked_top

It sounds like she is into orgasm denial, and all the benefits of it (like your behavior, the attention and affection you give her and so on) but she is turned off by the cage, and therefore doesn’t give you and physical contact in return.

She won’t be the first woman to not like cages. I think I remember Lucy saying here that she didn’t like them, and wished they were not needed.

The original situation, as you described it in your first post was not cool for you. But now that she shared some feelings, I think you should consider things differently. It seems you like to be locked up, but if you force it, same cause will produce the same effects. Maybe try the honor system?

 

Ask her if she will look on eBay for a style that she may find more appealing. Tell her to think of it as jewelry for the penis. Personally, I absolutely do not have the control to not masturbate to orgasm without a cage so my KH would never get the benefits without using a cage.

She wants you to treat her like when you were dating but she wants to make zero effort herself and she isn’t going to treat YOU like when you were pursuing each other. My KH and I have talked and emailed a lot and she now understands that if both our needs are not met that the chastity arrangement will fizzle. We had an incredible time last night which left me still in a cage with no orgasm but DAMN!

 

I agree with @Jessica Alexander - chastity and denial aren't about one partner; both are involved and both benefit. It may look like one gets more than the other but the other's denial is their pleasure. And if the partners are serious about their relationship they will look after each other.

 

I kind of agree with @mcfeely , though I'd phrase it a little less bluntly. Something has happened to your sexual relationship and figuring out what it is may be more difficult with kink layered on top of it. I know you say she shuts you down when you try to talk about it, but I think you need to (hopefully) temporarily remove the kink element, tell her that you're concerned, that you want to talk to her, need to talk to her, and if she's not ready that's fine, you'll wait, but remind her it won't go away by ignoring it.