How to stop topping from the bottom

Welcome to our community. Your problem is quite common but not a big issue, to me at least, as long as you don't overdo it. The main tip is to communicate with her about your feelings, but don't make demands. More importantly, listen to her concerns and reservations so you might be able to make her feel more comfortable with this. That and make the effort to do more for her, like household chores or personal attention. Good luck.

 

My wife and I are very new (Sep 22) to a FLR and like yours, she is very, very vanilla. I like what MissyB said about doing more for her. I try to do as much as I can. Kitchen, sweep, laundry as needed, living room and stairs on weekends and daily foot rubs/massages. I do let her know that I would like her to be more “in charge” and direct with me however, we still have a young one as well as adult children at home. I send little text messages throughout the week telling her how much I enjoy serving her and being at her feet at night. She allows me to kiss her feet as I rub them as long as I don’t go “to far” in her words. Point is I guess, baby steps. I hope as we get further down the road she will become more dominant but I want it to be what she is willing to do or like not what I am forcing her into.

 

Getting a vanilla wife involved with (even driving) a kinky lifestyle is a pretty big thing to ask for. I mean, realistically, we are putting them "in charge" and then asking them to do something that probably makes them uncomfortable. Imagine being asked to change your personality to be more confident, and having someone impatient that you aren't just confident immediately.

That doesn't mean that they don't want to do it. It might mean that they don't know how to go about it. You are wanting them to redefine themselves sexually.

So, your wife needs patience, encouragement, and maybe sometimes a bit of gentle pushiness. But more importantly, you have to realize that you also have to redefine yourself sexually. You can't expect to wait for her to transform into a dominatrix and "force" you to become submissive. You have to trust her enough to start being submissive. You can help her gain the confidence that she can be more dominant by being submissive for her. Again, it's not something that happens fast. You may be the one asking for this, but you are probably still a mostly vanilla guy who has non-vanilla fantasies.... So your transformation is also going to be slow.

Until she tells you 'no' just assume that she's interested, and trust that if you let her lead you sexually, she will gain the confidence to eventually lead you into the type of relationship that you fantasize about. But expect it to be slow.

In short, you can be a little pushy sometimes, but it's better if you can help her blossom into dominance by being submissive to her. You have to meet her halfway, or this thing will probably never happen.

 

Just to more directly answer your question, I suggest that when you get the urge to pester your wife to find out why she hasn't tied you up and whipped you, instead, try to channel the energy into some form of service for her.

If you give her enough, she will come to accept that she deserves it, and slowly she may come to demand it and more.

 

As a vanilla wife moving into a more adventurous area, I can tell you that letting your wife voice her feelings, needs and worries is essential. The first time we tried chastity we didn't talk about it - DH did but I didn't think I had much say in it. So the first time failed, to be honest. Now we're much more open about it and I feel much more confident and relaxed about sharing my desires because I know DH will listen and (hopefully) put what I said to practice.

 

This. This is why i really appreciate CM. Women who have gone through it and are experienced being willing to share with new members. That doesn't happen at every site. It helps make this one special. Thanks to all the Women of CM for all they do for the community.

 

Check out the free preview of "Locked In Love" by Key Barrett on Amazon. He has a thoughtful exploration of what he calls the "barter system," where partners apply pressure, nudge, or even just 'behave' expecting sexual attention.

Internalizing the concept mostly broke me of my own topping from the bottom tenancies. I wish I had understood the dynamic a decade ago.

The second half of the book is a diary of his own chastity experience with his vanilla wife. Although he's obviously an amateur on the chastity equipment, many of his emotional responses resonated deeply with me. More importantly, they resonated with my KH in a way none of the popular chastity guides had.

Most of all, good luck and be patient whatever you decide to do - it's worth it.

 

When we first were getting started my wife and I would write out three things we liked most about our chastity relationship and three things we disliked or would change. We would then exchange the lists and have a conversation about each one. Don't try to do this too often, about once a month worked for us. This gives you a chance to express or ask for things that aren't part of the dynamic.

Don't worry so much about the topping from the bottom stuff. Your both entering a new part of your relationship. Maybe it will evolve too a point where this becomes a concern, but for now keep the communication flowing. Just don't inundate her. Guys with their penis in a cage think about it like 90% of the time. Wives with a key around their neck think of it like 10% of the time.

 

The numbers around here rest at 99% & 1%

 

Yeah, my wife was very vanilla, too, but she had this possessiveness about her. Not a control freak, but she liked control of me. I may have begun asking for chastity and domination, and we were on and off about it all, mostly off. But at some point, that changed. She matured about it. Instead of controlling me through vanilla means, just use his vulnerable submissiveness to her womanhood. When she wants the slave dynamic more than you, that's when it really is special. That's when it works best. I hope your top learns this at a younger age, not at midlife.

 

"Topping from the bottom" is also known as input.

 

@Daniel82
well if you do the jobs round the house and outside that will make Her think that having you locked all up in your cage is a good thing and She will like to have you in it more and more and more. and then you wont have to tell Her anything will you.

 

Maybe focus more on your wife's needs now you told her. Let her do it her way. Show your appreciation by pampering her even more.

 

It's harder to be submissive without domination. Topping from the bottom usually stems from the top not topping.

 

It seems that providing input for a keyholder who is reluctant to use her power is necessary. Sometimes people need help or encouragement. I don't really even call it 'topping from the bottom' unless she is actually being a top. But if she has taken control, it's probably best not to critique her methodology...

 

Sounds like an important insight to me -- topping from the bottom is bad when you have a domme, but it's something else when you don't.

 

It must be annoying when she won't top the way you want.
So what do you do teach her how to dominate you?
I am so glad I don't have this problem.

 

I think it's partially true. But it's also partially true that you have to be submissive to expect your dom to be to become a Dom. It's the paradox of transitioning from vanilla to Ds. (especially if the sub is driving the transition)

 

Wife and I are new to this as well. I do find that discussing what each other wants outside of a sexual/dominance situation is a good way to figure out what each other wants

 

Once she gets to a certain point, she will put a quick stop to his topping from the bottom.