This journal is how i think and work, it is in no way a scribe to tell people how they should enjoy their own dynamic. On the flip side it is also not here for others to shout down what i enjoy or to tell me i am 'doing it wrong'. i can stick to Fetlife for that! i have included snippets from a profile "About Me" i have online. There is a lot more to me than these few words but they are a starting point for seeing who i actually am. Submission to me is a lifestyle, a mindset, a necessity, not a means to create my own gratification. i try to do what is demanded of me, i am never "i want, i want, i want"! And maybe this is why i found chastity to be so compelling? A lot of what we do centres around arousal but that does not mean it centres around sex. i find that being kept aroused and frustrated furthers my submissive thinking and creates a level of servility i may not have without it. Certainly it would be diluted. Which leads into the next snippet; Chastity is currently a self imposed state, i love how much more it subdues me, keeps me aware of my role, and aids me into developing further servility. i long to serve, to be of use, to accept the role in a Ladies life that She sees as my purpose toward Her. i do not seek to be a boyfriend, to have sexual relationships, to be in any form of conventional partnering. i used to think that FLR's were the way forward but it depends on the term 'relationships' and how it is attached to my role. i shall post an entry about that separately a little later. Yes i can and will provide intimate and personal submission/service if required but i would never expect nor demand reciprocation. Again, chastity further develops the commitment to that and hopefully shows that my brain is still in my head and not elsewhere! i would dearly love a key-holder, someone who genuinely enjoys owning someone elses pleasure, willing to deny it for as long as it suits and amuses them. i am not the sort to beg for release, rather accept that my pleasure is not free to enjoy, it is to be earned and indulged as seen fit. That snippet is massively important to me. A lot of people practice chastity as a part of their sexual activity, and that is awesome, it is what they should be doing, enjoying what they all get from it. For me it is about not having that freedom, to know that a Lady controls every aspect of it. Not a need for micromanaging, more the element of ensuring She really does feel the power of ownership. i abstain from self pleasure in the main, there is no need for a chastity device, i can deny myself through my own level of guilt, feeling that i am wasting pleasure if it is done just for my gratification. Pleasure is for me to give, for others to enjoy, i am to please and whatever reward i am granted becomes my pleasure. That is an extension of getting pleasure from pleasing others. Every single one of us has an "all about me" factor to us, in this instance i am conveying what i like about chastity, what i yearn to get from that and my submission, what i can bring to the Lady who one day owns me. In a way that makes it all about me, and yet i know from past experience that once i have a connection with the right Lady then all of this kind of stuff comes together to make it all about Her, a need to learn, to better apply myself, to create the 'person' that She desires serving Her. Chastity may well be my want, but it is a process to aid me into becoming even more of the right kind of submissive for a Superior that could own me. At the time of writing this entry i am just over three weeks locked, there is a fluid target as i am using chastity in an attempt to aid weight loss. Target date is 29th June, or when i hit the weight target. Getting to the date will mean a total of 105 days. i have no doubt that would get extended as my current longest self imposed period is 106 days. As will become very evident in this journal as it expands is that a lot of my submission is in the mind, an emotional masochist, already my need is to beat my record. i shall end it there for now, already i fear it is too long a read, further entries shall be condensed, promise.
For the first time in my life i have happened upon the term "emotional fluffer". Apparently it comes from a TV series in which the female lead had a male providing her sentimental stimulation, which allows her to maintain a more active sex life with a different man with whom she has been having sex. Wow. Oh wow! For someone like me who is well into emotional masochism, who has 'ambition' to one day experience cuckold or cuckold type roles, this is an awesome term. i read a short story the other day where a Lady teased, stimulated, stroked, and brought a male right to the edge of orgasm. Then left him high and dry while telling him that She was off to meet a lover for sex, that the teased male would never have sex with Her. i would term that male as an "emotional fluffer". In my definition of 'inferior' i imagine having to accept this kind of dynamic, knowing i am of amusement and to serve while the Lady explores Her own fun and enjoyment as She sees fit. And so now i have evolved yet again, now i long to be a chaste emotional fluffer
Perpetual never ending or changing occurring repeatedly; so frequent as to seem endless and uninterrupted The longer i self impose my own chaste state, the more i wear the device, the stronger the craving for a key-holder becomes and the more emotionally attached the mind gets. i have now reached a level i never even considered. i fear being told to remove the device and take release! The joy of being an emotional masochist, ones own mind creates the battles within, no need to be told off by anyone as i can easily beat myself up mentally. Perpetual, a word that can also be paired with the feelings of servility that grow and grow with each passing day of being locked and denied. 36 days and counting, IF i uphold things i am currently one third of the way through the intended period of time!
Chastity because... ....the keeper of the keys deigns it a requirement. No few hours of being locked while tortured, then released. No couple of days safe in the knowledge that it will be removed and normal orgasmic enjoyment returned shortly. It will last, for as long as it is said to last. No set period, no promises. Teased and denied deliberately because it amuses them to see the suffering. Kept locked because they know it will be endured without yammer. Rendered chaste because they want you focused purely on *Their* pleasure. Their mind wanting you caged, your mind wanting Their control, you will not *crave* release, you will work to *earn* it. They will not wish to hear your begging, only to know that you endure without question. They own your pulsating joy and orgasmic flow; No strings. No questions. Just the way it must be. To accept that a few hours or days locked is merely a token of play, knowledge that to fully endure chastity it has to be the mind that is constrained as well. Gratification is easy, denial at the behest of another, that is commitment. Giving them pleasure is my pleasure, others giving them pleasure is my pleasure, being locked for Their pleasure is my pleasure. Their physical pleasure is free to indulge, my physical pleasure is indulged when worthy. That pleasure is locked in a cage, and in emotional masochism, release from my confines can bring about a sense of loss, to be locked to my key holder is a bond so strong it is like glue. For those of us who will live chaste, we know that pleasurable release is not an entitlement, it is a sign of Their generosity. i wrote and had this posted elsewhere, thought it apt to bring to here