the ying and yang of the chastity lifestyle

If your KH is responsive maybe she just doesn't know what to do. Did she run out of ideas? It was something my KH mentioned and I went onto amazon and got her some books. The Queen loves to read.
I got
A KeyHolder's Handbook: A Woman's Guide To Male Chastity 1st Edition
The Ultimate Guide To Tease & Denial
Tips & Tricks For Keyholders: An Addendum to 'A KeyHolder's Handbook
The Hesitant Mistress: A Guide to Claiming Your Feminine Power
The Mistress Manual: The Good Girl's Guide to Female Dominance

 

Thank you all for the discussion on this thread. It’s comforting to hear so many of you are in the same situation as i am. I’ve been sharing my chastity desires with my wife for about 2 years on and off. She’s never said no but has never embraced it either.

I’ve backed off almost completely on pushing my agenda on her and focused exclusively on pleasing her. I self lock frequently and do not hide it from her. She’s ok and understands somewhat why I enjoy it. She’s been dealing with menopause and some difficult family issues that have basically eliminated her libido so I am understanding of her emotions. Even though I sometimes feel neglected while locked. I’m also hopeful she’ll return to the sexually dynamic women she was prior.

I will be patient and wait for her to come around as I believe she will.

 

How were these books what ones did she enjoy the most?

 

Key point! Not all women want this type of relationship. Whether it be BDSM, traditional romantic vanilla, or femdom, the same holds true. Not all want the same thing the partner craves. I was married before. For 14 years. For the life of me I could not get my ex to enjoy anything slightly romantic. It was baffling. I realized after a few years she simply did not want that kind of relationship. We divorced and thankfully my current wife adores my romantic inclination. Now She is my KH and is embracing that. I am happy to report She is embracing it with a degree of gusto.

But I hear the OP, this notion that agreeing to less is somehow a divine pursuit is not valid for all. I will speak for myself when I say that my suggestion for male chastity with all it's benefits for my KH was indeed offered with visions of some reciprocal response. We used to be D/s for ten years. She was my submissive and I her Alpha Daddy. Had I told her to deal with less is more, I doubt that She would have continued to offer up her gift of submission to me. As her Dominant I had to invest energy in that regard. I find it fascinating that in MC there seems to be this tendency that offering the gift - and associated devotion and service - of being locked up is translated into "expect zero and be happy in that regard". I realize I cannot speak for all in MC, so this is my personal perspective. My KH is engaged and keeps me going. In return, She recieves unfettered service, devotion, and romantism.

 

There just coming in. Shes a busy Queen and will get to them.

 

There's already been a ton of great advice on this thread.

I did have a few thoughts. First, it's important to remember that the vast majority of the time, chastity and even submission/servitude is really more for the sub than the Domme. YOU may feel like you are giving her all these things. Your chastity, your service, etc etc. But unless she entered the relationship asking for those things, you have to stop yourself from putting those items into the "All the stuff I do for her" category.

You're partner gets to make her own list of "Stuff she wants out of the relationship" as do you. However, chances are chastity and foot rubs probably aren't on her list, or aren't high on it. These types of things are more about you, even though you are doing them to HER.

All that being said, you have an absolute right to have YOUR list. Just be clear on what is or is not on your list and what is or is not on hers.

Many times in kink (or even vanilla life) we tend to get way to focused on what we THINK our partner wants, so we put forth all this effort as an act of servitude and hope/expect a reciprocal effort. However, what I've found is many, many times we are not on the same page.

As an example, say you think you are being chaste for her. You are giving her foot rubs, you clean the house, you make dinner, you watch the kids, etc etc etc. You are creating this VERY long list of stuff you are doing for her. Then you compare it to what you think she does for you, and it's unequal.

The other side of the coin is that she may be sitting there thinking, *sigh* I indulge him with his chastity thing, I try to let him do all these things he likes to do like give me footrubs and whatever. He cleans the house, but I'd be perfectly fine cleaning the house. I don't NEED him to do it, but I let him because he really seems to like it. Now he wants MORE from me!

Meanwhile, what she actually WANTS is likely to be completely different and chances are, not even on your radar.

A couple of things helped me in these instances, I've also been in 15+ year relationships, 3 kids etc.

1. Particularly regarding chastity, when the going gets tough, shorten up the times. I know, I know, everyone wants to be denied longer and longer. But generally the longer you are denied, the more T&D maintenance, or D/s or whatever is required. We all love chastity, but few of us are wired to enjoy the locked up and forgotten aspect. If life is crazy, with kids and family and... well.. life... The best thing you can do is shorten up the times... Think days not weeks. It's a lot easier to make it through a couple of days of chastity that may not be continually stimulated by T&D etc, than it is to make it through a couple of weeks. Along the same lines, she may be fine doing some T&D or verbal stuff for a few days or a week, but maintaining it week after week after week gets old. Not for you, as you are all ramped up, but for HER, unless long term chastity is HER thing, it's just starting to get tedious the longer it goes. Also take some breaks. Get locked up for a week, then be off for a few days or a week.

2. If she's up to it, ask her to pause for a few minutes and just write out some things that you could do that are particularly important to her or would really help her. Could be anything, take the dog for more walks, watch the kids for a dedicated hour every day so she can just go take a bath and read or whatever. It doesn't have to be 50 items long, it doesn't have to be kinky/sexual. Just, what can you do (or not do for that matter) that would make her life easier. Ideally by order of importance. Then of course... DO THEM.

3. Check in... That list that she made for you that you are hopefully doing? Check in every so often. Weekly is ideal, but whatever makes sense. The key thing is those needs change. Often significantly and frequently. One week she may really need some alone time. Time away from the kids or without having to worry about dinner. The next week, those previous items may be really low on the priority and a new issue may be much higher. It's a fluid list. Because life is fluid.

The key with the list and the check in's is to focus your efforts where they make the most impact. If you burn what precious spare time and effort you have with kids and work etc by cleaning the house from top to bottom that's great. However, if she has 5 other things that are WAY more important to her and stressing her out, then you've just wasted a lot of time and effort on stuff that really doesn't matter to her.

Those are my main things. At a higher level, remember that being a sub/slave does not mean you don't have any rights, or you don't deserve to be happy and/or have your needs met. All relationships are an ebb and flow and rarely are they perfectly 50/50, but in the good ones, the energy flows where it's needed. You support each other and down the road when maybe you need more than she does, she should be there for you.

 

thank you, @joecool722, that was a really great read for those of us that are still trying to get established.

 

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I couldn't agree more with your thoughts on this.

Giving your wife or girl friend more of what she wants, is vitally important, what she really wants and enjoys, even if this is at odds with how you might be feeling as a submissive.

 

I would think that many women would actually find it a turn off to dominate their man. You may be asking her to do things she has less than zero interest in doing or even seeing. I don’t know her but you could be asking her to indulge your kink with something that turns her off. Ask her how she honestly feels about what you are asking. She could be VERY kinky, but not YOUR kind of kink. Most women like to be TAKEN by a strong man and she may lean more that way than towards dominating you.

 

Dear bound4blueballs:
I perfectly understand your situation as in my case my wife evolved from absolutely rejecting chastity to now enjoy the benefits we all know about.
But never ever was willing ,nor interested in actually dominating me.
She was ok with me beeing caged and forgotten!,
We solved everything by outsourcing the technical part to a Masseuse and a ProDomme.
I made my wishlist,my wife approved/ adjusted it , and voila!
I got an endless cycle of teasing,torture,etc.!
Now my wife and I, review the list on a yearly basis, and of course she introduces changes at her whim for punishing/ rewarding me!