the ying and yang of the chastity lifestyle

Wow...I read through this only to read my own feelings. I actually made the comment to my wife yesterday that life keeps getting in the way. I am starting to realize though that statement "put your keyholder first and be happy for what you get" is true. We as the locked males made a choice to be locked. Most of us asked our wife's to do it for us. They may or may not have even wanted to. There is a huge learning curve for them. We know what we want but our wants are being filled the second she takes the keys. At that point you have to accept how she chooses to proceed .
Ultimately it comes down to...do you want to be locked for your keyholder or... are you locked for yourself .
It's taken me a long time to realize it can't be I'm lock for myself. I'm locked for my wife. To show how important she is to me. To honor her. Yes there's times I don't want to accept how she chooses to do things, but I either do or I quit the game cause the reasons are wrong if I don't accept her way.

Just my opinion. But you sound like your locked for yourself not your keyholder .

 

ok here is where you are wrong. Jk lol. I think we all go through that to some extent. But seriously, are you making sure that she is taken care of in every way she wants? Ask her sometime if there are things you could be doing for her, or things she could think of that would please her whether its daily or weekly things. When she feels the motivation you put into making her life easier and happier she is more willing to reciprocate. Are you flirting with her? Be more touchy/feely. Give her hugs and kisses. Letting her know how horny she makes you? I know....its a lot of work lol. These are just some ideas. I know we are all busy and life gets in the way. If none of those things work then I would suggest talking to her about expectations from both of you and seeing where you can improve. If you do talk to her try not to make it about things your not getting but rather how you can do things for her to make her more interested, free up more of her time to spend with you. You dont want it to come off as you think she is a bad keyholder. If none of these things work, tell her she is a bad keyholder lol.

 

@bound4blueballs so when you say you need gratification, what do you mean. Orgasms, tease and denial? It sounds like your doing everything you can possibly do to me. I guess talking to her about this would be the only way to come up with a solution.

 

she may not feel comfortable doing those things. Maybe it takes her out of her comfort zone. Maybe you should start a joint tumblr account with her and you can post things like the femdom stuff you like and give her ideas. Then later you can talk about them, let her know your interested in those types of things and how willing she would be to perform them. Anyways, just an idea.

 

I hear ya there. None of us are getting any younger so I can definitely relate. We have 3 children ourselves so I can see where your coming from. I literally only have the weekends with my wife so if not much happens its pretty disheartening. All we can do is our best and hope things improve.

 

I am in a somewhat similar situation as we both work full time , still raising one of four kids, She travels often for work, etc... Although I was recently accused by another CM member of topping from the bottom when I made reference to openly talking and making "suggestions" about what I might want from this, there still has to be open honest communication, which it sounds like you have. Making a "suggestion" doesn't mean you put it under Her nose everyday, but when it's appropriate you talk about it rationally. It can and does feel like a one way street from time to time for some. Your not alone in that. I guess it's how you choose to deal with it that makes a difference in the end. Oh, that's right, and we got what we asked for too, right ? Like that makes everything OK. Please let me know how it goes. Best regards. Jil

 

@bound4blueballs I didn't mean any offense in what I said. I understand where you were coming from. I was just say you can't push her to do anything more tha n what she is comfortable with . Yes I agree most of us enter chastity thinking of ourselves and what we want out of it. Unfortunately because we rely on someone else to do what they want we do get trapped. And it does come down to accept what they are willing to do or get out.

 

I think what you're talking about is just as common in vanilla relationships: that is, one partner is more interested in romantic and sexual activities than the other and regularly feels a little discouraged by that. If the relationship as a whole is good, I think that's just life and needs to be dealt with in a calm, pragmatic way. Nothing prevents you from trying to change things--as, indeed, you already did with your initiative in suggesting femdom activities--but don't try to force it.

I'm a believer in counting one's blessings and trying to improve things in small, regular increments. In my experience, impatience is the enemy of submission. The risk of "topping from the bottom" is high, and that never works. I thought I'd never get my wife to whip my ass, let alone go along with chastity. It's been a very gradual process, and I saw that the stronger I pushed for it, the more she balked. So I took it slow and easy. I bought her implements for punishment over the years--a big wooden bath brush, a leather flogger. She used them sometimes but never really got into them. Then I bought her a cane. Bingo. She thinks it's "elegant" and enjoys wielding it. I leave it on the bed in the morning (after I make the bed) and seeing it reminds her if I've done something that annoyed her, and then she calls me in. Not every day, but often enough to make me feel she's paying attention and having some fun. Tonight she was in a hurry to get to work and as she left she said, "You'll get your whipping tonight!" Five years ago I didn't really think this day would come. And I've been caged for a week now--so far, so good!

I guess what I mean is--set your expectations just a tiny bit higher than where you are now. Make her very happy, and when you find yourself brooding that she isn't paying enough attention to your kink, switch your mind to what might excite HER tonight, not you, and try to go there. If she's not comfortable and satisfied, you won't be either. It's a long road but you have to take it one little step at a time.

 

I guess the question is where on the spectrum is your desire for chastity? Is it as part of a general femdom fetish (nothing wrong with that)? Or is it part of a desire to serve totally? Because the latter goes beyond gratification through play into full-time FLR. If that's where your mind is, the form of chastity with no or little teasing would be manageable. But if that's not where your mind is you're going to struggle.

No rights or wrongs here, just different strokes.

 

I sympathise where you are coming from, and hope that one day you get to where you want to be. You certainly have to factor in young children and the pressures of life, all things that can have a very negative influence on your relationship and sex life. I am a very strong believer that if your wife is vanilla and has always shown very little interest in sexual activities, then no matter how much you make this about her and her pleasure, a point most men have to learn early on if they are to get anywhere, then you are always going to struggle and experience those times when you feel "neglected". I know I certainly do.

Very much like you, I started out with fantasies of being dominated, punished, humiliated, bondage, all more as bedroom games than anything else. When it became apparent that Jane didn't want or like to participate in such games, I turned my attention to gaining some form of enjoyment and sexual gratification from trying to turn our relationship into WLM or FLR. In all of this, and I am sure most others would agree, that if and when my wife ever choose to indulge me in any of these things, I needed her to be enjoying herself and actively encouraging me.


That was over some 10 years ago, so if you take the advice of others and take things slowly, that could take a very long time. Of course, over that period kids have grown up and left home, our work life balance has changed, and so have we as people. Our relationship is stronger and we are more in love than we have ever been.

As my bedroom fantasies were rejected by Jane, I have put all my efforts in making ours a service based WLM, one in which sees me submitting to and declaring my obedience to Jane as my feminine sexy wife. I have put her first in all things, do most of the chores, cleaning , laundry, serve and wait on her as much as she wants, and always put her sexual satisfaction ahead of mine. The one area that I thought would be a compromise for Jane, and something that she could handle was chastity, combined with tease and denial. Especially, as she must see how much I enjoy and want to be kept this way by her. I've lost count of the times I have conveyed this desire to her, but even now, 2 years after introducing her to a chastity device, she still won't tell me to put it on, unless I have dropped some pretty big hints.

I could write a whole book on my experiences about this. but for now I would suggest that you may just have to face up to the fact that not all women want this type of relationship, nor are they interested in joining in with what they perceive to be kinky sex games. I'm not saying that all women cannot adapt and grow more into a dominant role, or that they may indulge their partners in sexual based games, once in a while. I still have the same fantasies as I always have, and hope that one day Jane may elect to keep me permanently locked, teased and denied, even spending time dressed and serving her as a her housemaid. Do I ever think it will happen, no, something that I just have to live with, if I wish to keep the loving relationship that we have.

 

I've seen some great advice here already. And yes, I'd say if you both continue, the internal struggles will remain... But perhaps the rewards will, as well. For both of you.

How long have you two been involved with chastity and/or T&D?

 

Well stated. I couldn't agree with that advice more.

 

having toddlers in the house could be part of the reason she isn't as reciprocal as you would like. Having children is quite a strain on the relationship and very time consuming.

 

It took 4 years to get her to make that step for me...
but one thing I have noticed, the slower the steps forward, the fewer the steps backward.

 

It is amazing to read this because I have been feeling very much the same way. My wife and I have gone from very vanilla (to the point she told her friends I was kind of boring in bed at the beginning) She had no idea yet how much kink I really had in me. lol She indulged and went with me on the journey and allowed me to get the cage and we have enjoyed the little teasing that goes on. At times though it just feels like she isn't interested in sex as she once was. I know that it is from giving birth 8 months ago and all of the stress that comes with it. We went from dating and having a wild sex life to married, pregnant, bought home and new job in 1 calendar year! Very ambitious indeed.

So, fast forward to now. I am again switching jobs and feeling the stress of hoping this one I will enjoy going to. Multiple stresses plus the stress she is under with being the primary food source for the baby means once every week or two at best and it is missionary quick "did you cum? yeah. did you? yeah. Ok cool whats for breakfast" So started masturbating a lot....like every day and sometimes twice thinking it would relieve the stress. Wrong it made me even more moody and grumpy.

So I put the cage on voluntarily and she was happy. Had it on about a week and she had already taken me out once for sex then right back in. Saturday she noticed I was super grumpy and I said my piece and she hugged me. While putting the baby down to sleep later she texted me to go get my ass ready because she wanted to use the strap on. I was in no mood. still grumpy so I asked if it was a suggestion or an order hoping to get a rise out of her commanding it. She said strong suggestion.

I did, and she pegged me so hard until she couldn't stand up any more and unlocked me and when I went down to pre lube her with my tongue I was overcome with how wet she had gotten from pegging me and it mad my heart sing because I new for the first time that even though she was doing this for me because she knew I had been wanting it for a while but that she got totally turned on by it! It blew me away and I hope it continues to be a part of our repertoire going forward!!

I hope that you too will get the satisfaction you need out of it. I know there are quite a few people here that genuinely feel that the only thing that ever matters is the woman pleasure but I think it is different for every couple and I hope you find your sweet spot.