Chastity and Orgasm Denial – Does it lead to emotional distance?

So first off, I’m looking for some “out of scene” advice/thoughts.

TLDR –

Has anyone found that chastity and orgasm denial leads to a progressive emotional detachment from your partner? A way of creating emotional distance between the two of you as a result of the sub’s own self-worth or self-esteem issues?


So the longer version, I’m almost 40 now and coming out of a 14 year marriage where we were poly(although it was called open when we got together) and kinky from the word “Go.”

I have been into chastity and orgasm denial since I was in my early teens and stumbled across Altarboy’s site.

I was only 21 to her 30 when we got involved and I had never been in a relationship before. I was open about my kinks from the start and she was very receptive. She slowly grew into her inner “Domme” as time progressed. I’ve owned probably every device under the sun, but was never really able to stay in one for very long because I’m pretty small and I’m a grower not a shower so most devices didn’t really work well. One of these days I’ll get around to writing my experiences in chastity and cuckolding etc in more detail.

But the aspect that I wanted to discuss with this group was more around intimacy. When my wife and I first started all the kink stuff, it was a blast. She was very into it. We were very into each other. I was having a grand ole time. What I was blissfully unaware of was as time progressed, in her mind, the focus became more and more on me. My locked up dick. My chastity, my T&D etc. While this was perfectly fine for the first couple of years, as my wife got more experienced with Femdom stuff, she decided that the focus was incorrect. (In hindsight I can see how it makes perfect sense). However, we then swung to the complete opposite end of the spectrum. Everything was about her and my needs, as her slave, were irrelevant. Which of course didn’t really work in a sustainable fashion either.

As time progressed she decided to start pursuing cuckolding (at my strong encouragement) and that was incredibly hot and exciting. She was very into torturing me about it. It was like something out of one of these chastity fiction stories on CM. However, the same scenario repeated, only quicker. Soon she didn’t feel like the focus was on her, and then when it was, it was to the exclusion of any of my interests/feelings.

Eventually due to many other vanilla issues, our marriage broke down and we parted ways a few years ago.

Since then I’ve gone through a lot of therapy with sex positive therapists and really started looking internally within myself and finding that there were many parts of me that didn’t feel “good enough”. Lots of very core feelings of low self-worth, low self-esteem. Which led me to start thinking about my previous relationship in a different light.

One of the things that my wife had cited was that part of what contributed to the end of the relationship was a lack of intimacy. I was always escalating my denial. First it was just deny me orgasms. Then it was don’t let me have PIV. Then it was, now I’m a cuckold, so don’t let me touch you sexually without permission. Then only go down on you after you’ve been with your lover. Then let’s roll some dice and prevent me from going down on you for a few weeks/months. Then don’t let me see you naked. Then don’t let me sleep in the same room. It was that slow, but steady progression that I see so many others go down (perhaps not to that extreme) which in the end created a lot of distance and lack of intimacy in our relationship. Keep in mind this was over the course of about 18 years. But as we started taking things off the table, such as PIV, then the list of things that could be "denied" was shortened. Each time the cycle repeated, it got worse.

Thinking back on it in the context of my recent therapy, it seems that some/all of it was a way to create distance. A way to create a buffer because I didn’t really feel worthy do be with her.

Now of course I’m slowly starting to think about dating again, and I’m trying to figure out if I want to go kinky or go vanilla. I’ve heard many people say that once you are kinky, regardless of how you became that way, it tends to carve a groove into you and it’s hard to change it. But with all the therapy, I’m now concerned that if I go kinky, it’ll be the same path… chastity leading to another and another and another form of denial all eventually leading to emotional distance and poisoning the relationship. At the same time, this kink is still hardwired there. If I really want to have a nice fun sexy time by myself, this is the subject my fantasies will always head in.

I do remember the early times in our relationship where it “seemed” that we were both as excited about the kinky stuff and the power dynamics etc and it was very mutual. It also seemed very intimate, the mind fuck of it all. It was very interactive/intellectual etc.

But I’m so gun shy now about heading into what one could argue is a self destructive path.

So I wanted to put the feelers out here on CM where I know I’m surrounded by like minded folk who share the same kink.

Has anyone else ever ran into similar issues? Had similar thoughts/concerns? Was this just not a good match? This was really my ONLY real relationship, so I have nothing to compare it to.

We had a good friend who is an older very experienced ProDomme who once said that “You can never have a serious D/s relationship with someone you love”. Basically meaning in order to maintain a proper and satisfying D/s relationship, there can’t be a romantic element to it.

Should I be searching out a vanilla partner who is open to me pursuing a D/s relationship?

I’d really love to hear some of your thoughts. The CM community has come such a long way and I’ve seen so many really intelligent well considered threads recently.

Thanks,

JoeCool722

 

I agree that early in relationships, talking about kinks does require a certain level of communication which I think really does improve said relationship. My ex and I were very communicative even from the start and were much more closely bonded emotionally during the early years of our relationship. We explored a lot of other kink stuff (S&M, cuckolding, etc etc) so there was a ton of communication.

As time passes however, things change. You almost get a bit jaded as a couple. You've talked through all the fantasies a billion times. You've gone to the play parties, you've seen the same S&M scenes over and over. While very exciting and illuminating at the onset, after you've been active in it for a number of years, it just becomes the same thing with different people. Which from a public play party perspective is still fun.

However, when you apply the concept to the relationship between you and your partner, the kinks are what they are. You can tweak them around, you can come at them from different directions, but at the end of the day, it's the same kink with the same person. It can get a bit tedious, which is what I think happened a lot with my ex. In an effort to keep making it "new" or "fresh" we ended up adding MORE denial. No touching of this AND that AND this other thing. As that progressed, we became less and less physically intimate which started to eat away at our emotional intimacy.

I'm not saying there aren't necessarily ways to mitigate that lack of emotional intimacy, but it seems like it's almost an unfortunately inevitability. Perhaps I'm just being pessimistic.

I'd love to hear some thoughts from others who have been in the kink/chastity lifestyle for long periods of time.

I agree that we are who we are and honestly and openness is the cornerstone of a good relationship. I just worry that these particular kinks may be leading, myself at least, down a path to inevitable emotional distance.

Thanks for the detailed response Nicoftime!

 

I very much identify with what you are saying here. I am exactly the same way. The more emotionally distant, the more "slave" like the relationship is, the more aroused/excited I am by it.

When my wife and I started down the cuckolding route, we had a great time. As things progressed, I got more and more excited at the idea of being denied more. At first, we still had PIV sometimes. Usually with a lot of humiliation talk about how I wasn't big enough etc. That was insanely hot to me. The fantasy of being "cut off" from PIV was crazy exciting. Then it happened. And it was indeed crazy exciting. But it faded as does many of these types of things. So then there had to be some additional type of denial to be as hot. Oh, now I can't touch her breasts because that privilege belongs to HIM. That was HOT! But the cycle would start over. More time progresses, more denial progresses and suddenly you have very little left.

I think that path, or at least the latter parts of that path is where the trouble lies. hic sunt dracones

I worry that this is a slow progression that is seemingly guaranteed given our particular kinks. Or at least it has been for me.

I'm right there with ya on this. I agree that this may be the reason that many partners are hesitant to move towards this direction of kink. Many relationships need that emotional intimacy. I think that it is there for a long time as a couple enters kink and starts exploring. The very process of exploring can maintain the intimacy. However, time is the devil in the details here. Eventually things get explored. Eventually relationships start to slow down and with this type of kink, the emotional intimacy may deteriorate due to the inherent distance this type of dynamic can result in after time passes.

I worry that this is just the nature of this type of dynamic. Maybe maintaining a long term relationship with this type of kink overlay is not just really feasible.

I guess it almost seems like two very different types of relationships. The typical close, intimate, loving emotional relationship that most of us would probably refer to as vanilla. Then on the other side is the D/s relationship with the kink and the denial and the servitude. That type of relationship seems to work better when there is a certain amount of emotional distance.

Perhaps the concept that you really can't have a deep loving romantic relationship with your slave is accurate. They seem to be almost inherently conflicting.

I know these are just my thoughts/ramblings. I'm sure there are many on here who have been doing kink and chastity/denial for decades and are doing great. If so, I'd love to here from you.

It's funny, in MOST facets of kink, S&M etc, I can see maintaining the emotional intimacy without too much trouble over the long term. There are MANY examples I can think of from my time in the local scenes of couples who have been in heavy S&M or D/s relationships who are incredibly close (much more so that many other vanilla examples).

However, when chastity/orgasm denial/other types of denial start to come into play, it seems that the nature of those kinks, the very denial that turns us on, creates, over time, the emotional distance that can eventually cause relationships to come to an end.

Anyway, I'd love to hear others perspectives and experiences!

JoeCool722