As I said in my introduction I'm mostly a dominant and my wife, love her dearly, is not a Top. Efforts to get her to lead don't get far and I'm okay with that. Though I'm the one more likely to make a final descsion I am also very curious about chastity play. I realize that a few hours in a cage is nothing compared to a few months but honestly my goal is that short play session of caging, playing, release and ideally inter course. This also comes from the angle that our sex life is really DOA. I'm trying no only to explore this kink but also to inject something new and not too intimidating. My thought is to present her the lock and cage when the kids are in bed and provide these boundaries: The cage must be off before I leave for work (sensible as I teach and being outted would get me fired or at least humiliated). She can set what ever goals she likes for the cage to be removed provided they are not domestic chores. I know that being forced to clean a bathroom is a common fantasy; it's just not mine. She can take it out any time she likes but I will not make any requests. I will happily suggest and engage in any intimate or platonic activity she likes. What want to see is a bit if gameplay and also a little awareness that I have a penis. I want to spark some interest in the kinky sexual side but not totally make her a top. One, I'm fairly sure it's not her, and two, it's not me. Of course this also requires broaching it all with her in the first place. Given that she dislikes the time to tie her up, dislikes spankings, and isn't too much into name calling, I have no idea what to do.
Well, as an update: I talked to my wife today and she was, to say the least, shocked at the idea. The only thing is that I don't know where to send her for information. I'm not submissive. I know that while the long term submission with house cleaning and constant doting, and of course, the shutting down/ shifting of libido is popular for many, I just can't see myself happy that way, nor I can see her happy having to take on the additional responsiblity of managing me at my worst, which having me locked up full time would be. It seems everytime I find a resource about this, it is always with the angle of "You start with a few days, and before you know it your husband is living full time as your own slave, never evening thinking to bring up sex because he knows that just means another week in the cage." Which, sounds great to a submissive, but not to us. Is there anywhere out there that talks at all about using the cage as a toy for an evening or a day, rather than a lifestyle? I feel like I've suggested she let me tie her up, and the only thing online is about full time TPE relationships with full on punishment dynamics.
Hi Prof, I think there must be many in the same situation as yourself. I came to Chastity as a response to my partner having more or less forgotten that I had a penis also, and there must be many more out there. While I am in no doubt that the information you seek IS out there - google tease and play - what comes up immediately is tease and denial - unfortunately most results come up couched in the language of BDSM, which many vanilla partners will find off-putting. @Giles_English has a very nice blog about getting a vanilla to top you without them knowing it, but that again is more a lifestyle commitment rather than an evening of play. In precis, his gist is that to re-awaken interest and approval in our partners we ourselves make a change. Hopefully they will recognise and reward the change. In practice that balance of input/reward doesn't always come out loaded the way you think it should, but that's life isn't it? The change for me, is that I now appreciate any attention a whole lot more, my partner is slowly learning (as am I) about what my sexual needs are, and I've become more patient with her own sexual time-scale. Which is I have to say somewhat slower and less frequent than I would like, but waiting and regular denial has a side to it that once locked becomes a sexual thrill in itself. Unlocked I don't care for it and want it NOW GODDAMMNIT! But once that device goes on, I can endure, and indeed enjoy doing so (mostly). So have a read of tease and denial play online, and then why not write your own guide, minus the BDSM references. Unless you teach physics then I'm sure you'd be more than able, and if you were to post it somewhere many more might benefit. And look up Giles English here and have a read of his blog. It's not entirely what you're looking for but he has some relevant things to say.
Hi Prof, I can certainly relate to your situation. I myself and mostly a dominant but enjoy being submissive every so often (and I do that through chastity play) where as my girlfriend is very submissive. I too also have a higher sex drive than my partner. In terms of what you are looking for I have found the following: Chastity in the short term can be used as a tool to help her engage with a safety net. It means she would be free to engage sexually without feeling any obligation to actually have sex if she doesn't want to. In that way you could set up a situation where you are locked up and you begin to engage in intimate activities however, if she is not getting into it then she is free to end it at any time. You could then leave the cage on for a bit longer (up to 1 hour say) in order to emphasize that you respect her decision and appreciate tat she tried. Alternatively if she is getting into it then she is free to remove the device and continue from there. I recommend getting a device with with a hinging base ring as solid ones are difficult to remove once erect. So in essence you can put it to her that the cage is more a visible symbol of your respect for her wishes as opposed to some device related to kinks and other things she may be uncomfortable with. This method also allows you to remain in the dominant role once the cage is removed but gives her control over whether that actually happens. I have found that this can help to spark your partners interest in sexual activity due to the safety net effect. You would only need to wear the device when intending to engage in some form of sexual play. I hope that you find this response useful. Good luck
Nice way of putting it And I think You are on to something very basic here. Show her - that this is not trying about turning her into a sex maniac!! Show her that it is not a hint of you being unsatisfied with her performance up until now. Show her instead that you are giving away in affection the control of your sex - and sex life and that you will be honored if she were to take advantage of that That sure did it for me.....
First, this is dictated into an iPhone, so if some of the text seems a little strange read out loud in your head and try to figure out what Siri thought she heard me say. I very much appreciate finding others that are in the same place I am. I have nothing but respect for the submissive men who really want to be locked up and denied, I just wish it were me. In fact, I think much of my path along sexuality would be easier, if I was not dominant. It seems like it would be easier, to just slip into a submissive role and let her take charge and then not worry any longer about when or how or why we were going to have sex. And please don't misunderstand me. I'm not saying that submissive is itself an easy thing either. This is not my first rodeo, so I understand that all sides of the/have challenge. What worries me most is the idea that a long term period Of denial will help me simply accept my sex life is going to be on a monthly basis rather than every other night. Since we've been dating sex with something that was very frequent for how often we saw each other, and since marriage has dropped off two, well, 2 to 4 times per year. Frankly, if it would get things back to once a week, I would wear a cage 24 seven simply for that. And I would hate every minute of it. I do very much though think all input, even the things that I'm not sure I could make work. There is no such thing, as they say, as bad data. I am encouraged that she did not completely freak out, but I still wish I could find her stuff to read that is more along the lines of where we are, instead of the full-time chastity, tease, and denial. Even doing my own Google search brought up websites and forums that were in my opinion fairly dodgy. For example, I do not think it is appropriate to change rules on a submissive. Is not something I would tolerate from anyone topping me. Yet, in my first hit, that was emblazoned on the page as good advice to a new key holder. Always keep them guessing! And maybe that would work for some, but I know myself enough to know it would be a game ender. Again, thank you. I will keep everyone posted as things develop. We did not play with the cage last night and she was very tired when finally finished with her work, and still fairly overwhelmed by all the possibilities that were there. I also think, that she was fighting herself overwhelmed with the fact that once again I had gone out and found something kinky to spice up our sex life, and reminded her in the process that our sex life still is fairly quiet and nonexistent. Conversations about sex generally speaking put her out of the mood because she feels guilty that we don't have it very often.
@PrfHawker , there are many more men in the same situation you find yourself, myself included. Please keep us posted on your progress. As for resources available for her to read, I don't think your going to have much luck. The majority of stuff I have read over the years is extremely submissive almost to the point of turning men into slaves which is obviously not what you are looking for. You may have to blaze your own path on this one with lots of communication between you two about what chastity is and what you would both like it to entail. Good luck.
So here's a new thought to those with me here... I like the idea of playing with the cage. It's exciting and fun and I'm all about experiences and challenges. But the darker side is that I'm a Dominant personality and I'm also a High Desiring Partner. She's mostly submissive AND she's a Low Desiring Partner. So basically she's more likely to defer but she also effectively controls our sex life. My real fear of any kind of chastity game is that it will just give her more license to ignore sex because it's locked away and she doesn't really want to unlock it anyway. Though I did ask her about her thoughts on my attentions: Do I make sex too much of a goal in our intimacy? She said that yes, most of my intimate touches feel like an effort to initiate foreplay. I was rather surprised. I know I'm not getting laid most nights so I rarely if ever expect it. I am certainly not trying to start sex when I know I'm not going to get it, I just like being intimate. Which brings up another "benefit" of chastity I've seen couples report: More time on imtimate activity without sex being the focus. And that would be lovely but again I feel like our unhealthy sex life now runs against that. When I am able to be intimate I feel like I have to have the end target of sex because intimacy is so rare as it is. If I'm only going to get touch her naked body every third week, its hard not to want to have sex too because, well, I'd like to have sex more than once every three weeks. Today I'm back at that depressing thought of "I could lock the cage, hand her the key, and she could happily lose it and go back to reading her books, content that I can't try to screw her any more"
I don't think you have to give her more information. We're all different. However, I think it might be a mistake to hand over the control to her initially; that just adds more pressure. Instead you could put the keys out of reach for 24 hours or so.
I think one step at a time...Just tell her you want to play with the device to spice things up. I think its natural for her to be shocked at 1st. A lot of people are...My wife was a long time ago. Maybe wear it, put the guy on the bedside and give her a massage. And see where it goes.
When i saw this i thought is was about the band Muse, i likes them. giggle. and sorry for butting in.
Thank you for the further updates. I've talked to my wife again and the whole thing is "Just too weird". I'm not sure we'll ever quite break over that threshold but I'm hoping, not so much for the chastity itself but to help drive at improving our sex life and our sense of intimacy. I really do like the idea of it being a way for her to use the cage as a safety net, and eventually into some kind of teasing (because for me it's quite exciting to strain in the cage) but I really know that if we went longer term, or into something more "Dom/sub" with this it would only be short term. It doesn't take me long to start topping from the bottom and I'm just not submissive at my core. If I were to go into a full time lock up, it would be out of desperate frustration (and probably be short lived as it would be a sign of the end of things). Maybe I'll try again soon to put out there the "here's the key, you can unlock it tonight if you'd like".
@PrfHawker , I think your relationship is very identical to mine in alot of ways. In our relationship i was the dom and she was the sub. She works alot of hours and is very tired around 9pm and sometimes earlier and goes to sleep usually ditto on the weekends. This left us with a sex life of about 3-4 times a year. She said she felt bad we didn't have sex more often but life just gets in the way. Please read my post about how I introduced my wife to chastity here http://www.chastitymansion.com/forums/index.php?threads/i-asked-and-she-said-yes.13021/. Like you, I also didn't want a dom wife or doing constant house chores or even a female led relationship. I simply wanted more sex and intimacy with my wife. If you read the articles I gave my wife to read you will see these explain chastity from more of a vanilla view and also from a female perspective. The second one was more of a informational page on lots of basic chastity stuff and I don't think she read it all. But she really like the idea of us being intimate and not necessarily having sex. She said she like being intimate before but it always led to sex which isn't always what she wanted, now that I think of it, me either. I just wanted to be close with her. Yes sex is awesome and great but so is being close with the one you love. So how she views chastity in our relationship is basically a tool to keep us more intimate and allows her to keep me from masturbating, saving my orgasms up just for her when she is wanting sex and ready, and that Sir, was a huge turn on for her. She has no other desires from chastity other than that. She still gets to keep her manly man too! So my point is chastity can be whatever you to work it out to be, it doesnt have to be anything you read on the internet. I hope this helps and if you have any questions please let me know.
Thanks INeverKnew! I actually saw those articles and it's tough because it's hard to find articles that don't make it about things like chores or about turning into a Female Lead Relationship and the like. I have read that article on Gwen in Love and I've thought about how to present that to her. One of the biggest challenges is that when I have presented her with "reading material" on past interests (bondage, Dom/sub, etc) she approaches them as chores, things she "HAS" to read for me. On one occassion I sent her a website about living full time "1950's household" and after a week she still hadn't looked at it because "There were other things to do". I do hope though that with the encouragements here I can keep moving her this way. Or I'll just go into self chastity for my own fun and let her decide to join me or not.
@PrfHawker , well I have played with chastity for over a year by myself and she never knew. I decided last saturday I wanted to tell her. I had all of the links to the articles and ready to have a go at it. My wife seems like your wife's twin sister lol, I give her all kinds of things to read and she never does! We had a party sat we were preparing for and I wanted to tell her before we left. Well my stomach got all tied up in knots worrying she would think I was some kind of freak and say no. So I didnt tell her. We went to the party and when we got home we were relaxing having a few drinks (calming my nerves) and I pulled out the laptop and loaded up the gwen in love article and handed her the laptop saying I had something important I need you to read and tell me what you think. She seemed thrown off but interested. I answered a few questions. I had her read the other article and then we discussed it. She was on board and wanted to try it. She didnt really ask that many questions but I didnt push as this is more of a long term thing in my mind, no need to rush things. Well she must have liked the idea more then she let on because we had sex twice that night, and once the next day! Very out of the norm for us.
My wife and I are in a similar situation, though she seems a little more open to chastity play than yours is. In our case, keeping me locked and unable to masturbate means I am ready for sex when she wants it and I am more focused on cuddling, massages, etc., which she likes. She lets me out whever I want a break, but I try to stay locked as much as possible. Like your wife, she also has a fairly low libido, but she seems to enjoy teasing and just making me come with her hands or mouth. One concept that a friend mentioned that of of a "service domme".. she isn;t naturally dominant but she is happy doing theings that make me happy, so we've started exploring canings, CBT, prostate massage, pegging, etc. She is warming up to it, thoguh she is unlikely to ever want it as much as I do. One approach you might try with your wife it "I am going to lock myself. Tell me when you want me to come oit and play." The be attentive, doign massages and other things she likes. This approach takes some patience, but it worked for us.
@Nostromo , well said. I think thats the key for some women, is to have all the focus on them, cuddling, massaging and such and occasionally sex. And women know men usually are fine with doing the cuddling and massaging but we tend to want the sex which they may or may not want at the time. Chastity gives them the ability to get what they want with no pressure of sex.
I know you found our site which definitely does not talk about chores and all that stuff. You mention a few things that I feel the need to respond to. First off, my cage is effectively invisible and I work in a sensitive environment where any outing would be unacceptable. It simply isn't a problem. Second, you probably have to let the chastity idea "soak" for a while with your wife. The first time I discussed it, Mrs. Lion was much the same as your wife. However, she did know that I have a kinky side so while surprised, she wasn't disgusted. At the time I first discussed it, I am very sure she wouldn't have agreed to be my keyholder. However, months later she did, as you know. Since I know you have been reading our story, you know that it hasn't been a smooth path. However, at this point (five months later), she is much more actively being a top. Third, short term chastity play really isn't particularly fun for me. It didn't get interesting until I realized that even though I want to come, I may not be allowed to. Over the first few months, I pretty much orgasmed on demand. Now, things are starting to change. My suggestion is to discuss it again and tell her that you want to do this cause it turns you on. See what happens next.
And I appreciate the commentary and the support. I actually have been flirting with showing her your sight @cagedlion but I also think that what you and I find kinky are different enough that I'm not sure it's a perfect match. It might be a matter of just turning her loose and spending a few weeks doing the "no not that, not that either, DEAR GOD NO!" game as we refine what it is that I do want out of this. And sadly it's actually pretty simple. I want more sex, more intimacy and more control over both. Which is itself a paradox. I want to be in control by actively putting her in control. Bottoming from the top? As for the safety at work factor? I'll respectfully disagree but under no conditions, period, would I wear a device to work. None. Zip. Seriously I'd go have the thing taken off by a lock smith if I had to. After I see a lawyer for divorce filings. I mean so hard limit that my Safeword is starting to shout "RED LIGHT". I won't judge anyone else, but for me it's just not something I can ever see ~myself~ thinking is worth the trade off. But then agian, I've got the summer off to play....