Lady Jezerae's search for a miracle...

I came to this site Monday morning after failing to give proper aftercare during a scene with my now complicated lover, though he was my slave then. I came seeking advise and wisdom of those more experienced than myself.

In the beginning he would barely speak with me. Now he accepts my touch but has only given it back once since Sunday. He has removed his cage and his collar and listed our relationship as complicated.

To day I wrote him a letter and posted it on the social network we both use. I thought that it would lay myself bare out, and make me as vulnerable as he is. He said that he appreciated it but didn't like that I had posted it. So I removed it....

I decided to try a new route and asked him if he would have been okay even if I had given him aftercare during the scene. Since I have apologized in every fashion and form I know... He said that he believes he would have been though in truth it sounded like he was trying to convince himself. He admitted he doesn't think he was ready for the scene even though he had begged for it.

He told me there is no hope, but has yet to tell me he is taking me home. So there has to be some hope. He wouldn't just let me stay here if there was none. What good would that serve?

 

I got him to open up to me for a little while last night, and tried to replay the scene... But our versions no longer match. He thinks that I gave him no aftercare at all... Which is not completely true. I asked several times verbally and non verbally if he was okay. Then, directly after the scene he curled into my lap for a few minutes. Then, we went to the kitchen and I sat down on the floor, because I was beginning to shake. We sat there for probably 15-25 minutes talking about the scene. I asked him several times during the scene and this time if he was okay. To all he responded yes. So while sitting in the kitchen I finished off my drink which was alcoholic. I had drank some before the scene but not enough to effect me. After the scene though sitting in the kitchen I finished my drink pretty rapidly. I remember asking him if he was okay again to which he replied yes. I remember getting up and saying I was going to get a bath. I went and got in the tub filled it and immediately started emptying it, but by the time I came back out maybe 10 minutes later he was curled up in the fetal position on the couch completely shutdown. He feels that I was gone for hours. He felt that I needed to scrub the filth off... Which is not true. Me taking a bath is a kin to drinking a beer or smoking a cigarette, though since he has breathing problems I don't smoke anymore at all. He said I should have spent at least 10-15 minutes with him when I tried to explain that I did he told me that he scene in his head must be false. It felt like I was gone much longer. He had refused to come to bed so I curled up on the rug next to the couch and held his hand to make sure he would be alright all night long. Only going to the bed after he said that me being there was not helping him sleep. So I went and sat on the bed til I heard him get up and immediately came back to his side.

While he was in the fetal position I tried to tell him how much I enjoyed everything, but all he would reply was that he would never do it with me there again. He told me he felt ashamed of himself, because he enjoyed it... I remember becoming angry, because there is no reason for him to be ashamed. It was beautiful and sexy to me, and I don't understand why I can't make him see himself the way I see him.

 

Thank you for your words.

 

I had not planned to bring up the subject at all last night. I wanted to give it a break, but as something to make him smile I took his box of goody powders and wrote something I love about him on each of them. While me and him and the little miss where playing uno he tossed the one that said "mouth" at me. He wanted to know if I understood and at first I thought he was trying to tell me his mouth "tooth" was hurting again. The little miss was eating chicken and swallowed piece of a bone while laughing, and he announced he knows what that feels like and kicked me "not hard'. That is when I understood what he was saying.

Once she had gone to get a bath I questioned him about it, and he told me that he hated sucking the guy off, and wanted to vomit when he cummed in his mouth. I was a little taken back, because before he had told me that he liked it. I finally got out of him that he hated it. He then started venomously attacking me. Asking why I pushed for this scene. I was taken back but I stayed calm and reminded him all of the videos he sent me, the pictures he sent me all depicting just that, and reminded him how when I made him cum on his panties and suck them clean how he told me he wished it were another mans cum. He had sucked on a friend of ours for a time at one of our parties and tried so hard to make him cum. Last, we had a stranger come over a few weeks ago and jerk off on his face. He had told me he wanted him to cum in his mouth. Sooo you can see where I was completely taken back.

He had been trying to set up with a "stranger" for a while now... so I didn't understand what he was trying to say.

This was when he lashed out the most. I asked him if he was beating around saying the scene was nonconsentual. He said yes, and I swear to God I wanted to grab a knife and run it through my chest. I was shaking inside so hard I was amazed that I could do anything. I ran outside in the storm, but I didn't want to get soaking wet, because the little miss would definitely not miss that, and I would need to get her out of the bath soon. I went outside and screamed my misery and then walked back in to which he asked for time.... "FINE"

I set the egg timer and went back outside for a few minutes, checked on the little miss, and then I came back and questioned him. He tried to tell me I was making it all about me again. I told him with no uncertain terms that you just told me that I "FUCKING RAPED YOU" I want answers "NOW"

I said what happened to telling me you didn't want a scene? What happened to your safewords? He tried to tell me a "true slave" would never question their Master. They would do anything for them. I wanted to vomit. WTF!!!!

I was sooooooooo angry at this point, and attacked back.... "A true slave would do what their Master wants? What happened to our expectations?" "A true slave would never have removed their collar" He said so what does that make me "NOT A TRUE SLAVE"

These are the expectations that he should have been following...

• Maintain transparent communication between partners at all times.
  
  
  • Sympathetic dialogue where we share our experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context.
    
    
  • Ask for clarification to make sure you understand what they are trying to convey, think, and feel.
    
    
  • Discuss one problem at a time.
    
    
  • Silence can be deafening…
    
• Be aware of what you and your partner want for yourselves and what you want from the relationship.
  
  
• Problems will not break us. Working together on problems makes will make us stronger.
  
  
• Let one another know what your needs are.
  
  
• Realize that your partner will not be able to meet all your needs. Some of these needs will have to be met outside of the relationship.
  
  
• Be willing to negotiate and compromise on the things you want from one another.
  
  
• Try to see things from the other's point of view. This doesn't mean that we must agree with one another all the time, but rather that both of us can understand and respect each other's differences, points of view, and separate needs.
  
  
• Where critical differences do exist in your expectations, needs, or opinions, try to work honestly and sincerely to negotiate.
  
  
• Treat each other in a way that says, "I love you and trust you, and I want to work this out."
  
  
• Make time each day to share with each other some of the events of the day.
  
  
• Important decisions should be discussed between both parties.
  
  
• Respect each other differences.
  
  
• Maintain and protect the trust given by the submissive.
  
  
• Have a clear understanding of each other’s personality, strengths, and weakness.
  
  
• Be clear about the terms and conditions of the submissive’s service, including restrictions on the submissive’s activities and the Mistress’s rights to use the submissive.
  
  
• Ensure the submissive’s physical, social, emotional, and spiritual well being.
  
  
• Provide whatever training, direction, and guidance is necessary to develop the submissive to their full potential.
  
  
• Spend ample quality time together outside of the bedroom.
  
  
  • Giving each other complete undivided attention.
    
• Affirm strong, ongoing commitment by both partners.
  
  
• Remain flexible in negotiating terms of the partnership.
  
  
• Integrate dominance (control) and submission (service) dynamics into everyday activities.
  
  
• Engage in ongoing sexual & BDSM activities that bond partners to one another while reinforcing their self identities.
  
  
• Recognize that both partners must share common values and interests outside of the lifestyle to maintain a long term union.
  
  
• Put an emphasis on being together and doing things together.
  
  
  • Like spreading out blankets and pillows on the floor. Gathering up our favorite drinks and snacks we can pretend the TV is broken and talk till the sun comes up or something else happens. If the floor gets too hard we can always retreat to the bedroom after a while.
    
• Periodically reset/calibrate the relationship to ensure that partners remain interested in and connect to one another.
  
  
• Be cautious of visible & invisible knowledge.
  
  
  • Like if I ask you to go to the store and buy a steak for a special dinner I want to prepare for you, and you come back with a choice walmart ribeye. For me I would blaunch wondering why you didn’t get a NY Strip Steak. Without taking the time to talk to you I could become upset thinking you didn’t care, but if I take the time to ask you might say its the same size and shape of what I would buy. You didn’t know that I would want this particular kind of steak, because I did not tell you. Therefore that knowledge was invisible to you.
    
• When either party realizes they have made a mistake, take immediate steps in correcting it.
  
  
• Encourage the submissive to explore their heart.
  
  
• Explore each other's interests.
  
  
• Respect each others needs, wants, desires, limits, and ideas.
  
  
• Serve as a guide for the submissive in their quest for submission and spiritual connection through BDSM.
  
  
• Give the submissive Directives and Instructions that may carry beyond their physical time together.
  
  
• Provide the submissive such tokens of ownership.
  
  
• Correct inappropriate behavior in whatever manner choosen within the submissives limits.
  
  
• Correction will end in debriefing and forgiveness.
  
  
• Appropriate space and time should be observed after a conflict.
  
  
• Intimacy
  
  
  • “Touch was never meant to be a luxury. It is a basic human need. It is an action that validates life and gives hope to both the receiver and the giver. The healing of touch is reciprocal.” - Irene Smith
    

It's on Google Drive so their is even a link to it

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1SXblZwN5yv5V94S68v2Xa_clQI1BlBQjCb41CRYeuXg/edit?usp=sharing

More later... need to calm again.

 

Deleted

 

I could never purposely harm him. If I thought harming myself would take his away I would do so in a heart beat.

 

I think me and him are at a climax and between tonight and tomorrow we are going to either make it or break

 

I am sorry I have been writing in distress. I didn't fail to give aftercare, but failed to give enough after care. If you read through everything I have written you will see where I went at least 40 minutes in after care repeatedly accessing him. I only left him to draw water for a bath for 10 minutes after asking again and telling him where I was going.

 

That's my google drive account.... not someone else's

 

I also only said"trwue slave" after he was explaining what he felt he should do as a "trwue slave". I was trying to get him to see reason. To see that he should have told me his thoughts, and feeling. He should have used his safeword, but felt that I should know.

 

I said that he said I raped him... not he raped me.

 

I don't feel that way at all. I feel that we were both were not ready for this scene, and I feel that we both need to grow a lot.

 

Okay... so as a few of you know yesterday he posted a status on fetlife similar to what I am doing here asking others for their insights. Well last night he sat in bed reading them. I didn't push him. I just let him know that I was available to talk if he needed to.

 

Tomorrow marks a week since I have seen him, and yesterday was the first day that we have spoken since he drove me home. We have talked throughout the week sparingly via text, but nothing like we used to. When he called it was simply out of obligation. I don't feel that he wanted to at all, and he still hasn't confirmed if he will be picking me up tonight or tomorrow as of yet.

Last, night I truly sat down and meditated, and I find that I am much better for it. I have found a calm within the storm. I have been tearing myself down for the better part of two solid weeks now, and I refuse to continue. Mistakes were made by all parties, but no one deserves this. I have barely been able to eat much of anything, and was running a fever the better part of the week. I am done tearing myself down. We will continue or we won't, but I will continue on no matter the outcome.