Topping from bottom

Communication is essential in a happy relationship, of course we need to time things when our partner is likely to be receptive, don't bring things up when they're in the middle of dealing with personal stuff etc However, if something needs saying it needs saying, repressing ones thoughts on an ongoing basis could lead to resentment. I personally try to have open and honest conversations with my wife, I want her to be able to tell me anything and vice versa. Wait until your both in a good mood and raise the subject, do it when you've got the time for a long conversation and won't be distracted. I've found that honest conversations can strengthen a relationship, it certainly has mine. Good luck with it.

 

Most guys in a submissive relationship top from the bottom. It's in our DNA. I know, don't flame me. Not every guy. But I'm one of those. I've got things I want to do. How else am I going to do them unless I top from the bottom. Even a monthly synch-up is topping from the bottom. And a lot of wives (most?) are not dominant. So the wife isn't going to come up with the idea herself. So ho the fuck is she ever going to know? We all have seen porn where there are dominant mistresses having a great time with their toy. I'm sure they are out there. But just because they're out there doesn't mean that's who your wife is. And I suspect the percentage of sexually dominant women is probably like 2%. So search them out if you really need to, but chances are, you're not going to find them. So a guy is left topping from the bottom. But not only is that "not cool", it's not very effective. I don't think there are that many women who like to be told what to do sexually. It's not what they "dream" about. They "dream" about handsome dominant men fucking them silly. (ok, you can flame on me. But I will say, that that's what my wife dreams of. And I am a somewhat handsome man who can sometimes fuck her silly. So that's what my wife wants). I'd like her to take control sometimes. She rarely does. Although she will take some control to get me worked up so that I can then fuck her silly. I was talking to another person here and my conclusion was to focus on acceptance and not your wants. It's really not productive to "want" something. You're probably not going to get it. It's much more productive to accept what you get. Then you can really be happy.

 

Adding a little more. There's a class of guys into chastity and cages (um. like me) that initiated the chastity thing, and one reason we are doing it is because we want our wives to be a bit more assertive sexually. We are hoping that by locking up our cocks, our wives will get more involve. Guess what. That is "Topping from the Bottom". Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't.

 

As said above, and I say this often enough I ought to get a sign made I can tap, but really you just need to be open and honest in your comms with your KH/wife/husband/partner/whatevs.

Having these kinds of monthly checkins are fine if you are paying your Domme's hourly rate, but for your partner you can chat while you are both making dinner, in bed before you start your day, in bed before you sleep, or anywhere sans an audience.

Just try not to overcomplicate things, nor overwhelm them with a typical horny man avalanche of "I NEED/WANT this massive list of sexual perversions"

 

I text “love letters” a couple times a week to my Wife, I started doing this when we started getting more serious with the cage. I use it as an opportunity to tell her all the things I’ve enjoyed that we’re doing, to re-assure her I’m ok with being locked and denied etc. I believe it really encouraged her to take more of the lead, to let her dominance grow over the last few years to the point where it’s all out of my control in any way now.
She will still listen to my ideas for trying things, but we both know it’s all up to her whether it’s implemented or whatever. She knows when I mention anything about our sex lives, that I’m doing it from a position of Subby and no expectations beyond having her listen. To me that’s just communication and not topping

 

I don't have a great answer. I still haven't figured a lot of this out myself.

My wife wants respect and enjoys a lot of the benefits of chastity, but doesn't care to talk about it. The best I seem to be able to do is communicate in written letters to her, because she can read them in private and doesn't have to discuss them. (She likes them.) So things that she'd never want me to say, she's happy to read. It all goes back to her upbringing, I'm sure, in which sex was all taboo and never spoken of.

Anyhow, here's a few things I've learned:

* Whatever speed I'm moving is too fast.
* After I slow that speed way down, it's still too fast.
* She likes attention. She likes respect. She likes me writing her letters. She doesn't want to talk about it.
* She's paying attention, though.

Anyhow, good luck figuring stuff out. And remember, people change ... what works one day may not work the next, and the flip of that is also true.

 

I think you have to diffentiate topping from the bottom from bringing ideas to your keyholder / femdom and tell her, what you are interested in.

In my view it isnt topping, if you just send some captions, wrote letters, erotic shortstories to bring up ideas or tell your wife what would make you happy.
She cant know this. It would be a big coincidence, if she hit your favorites without having any clue.
And she cant know if she likes it or not, if she doesnt know a sexual practice or way of living exists.
At the moment you surrender to her as her slave, you are already topping a bit. But I wouldnt see this too drastically.

So you are fine with it. You are a couple.

My wife is, in comparision to me, afantastic and noncreative. She has problems to let go and be open. Live without prejudgements,
She would never ever have had ideas of femdom, flr or BDSM by herself. She knew she had some dominant and bisexual sources inside her, but due to her education at home and her catholic community, where only priests are allowed to do pervy stuff, she covered it under guilt and miscredit.

Topping from the bottom would be more: misbehavior to get penalties, insisting in penalties, insisting being made a sissy and so on. Tell her to give you animal names. Telling her what YOU want and that you make her do this to you. Manipulating her in this direction.

If you just give hints, ideas and lead her to a new fantasy of yours or make her red ears about one of her covered lusts it isnt topping.

It has to be her choice at the end.

My wife sees it the same. She is really thankfull, that I sometimes give her ideas and open her mind. (Honestly I am proud, that this has turned now. I have brought and accompanied her to a point where the BCWYWF is more present then ever before and she discovered her own interests.)

And I think she needed somebody to allow her to live in a safe spot, where she can live her fantasies and lust without guilt and bad conscience.

 

We use a time out, I just say time out please and will be given permission to speak freely.

 

It's going to happen - human nature - so it's just a question of how much and how often is acceptable to you both.

 

Since this is a Female Led sub, you need to honestly decide; “Am I in it for the kink?”, or, “Am I wanting to serve?”

Answer that question, and you will have made progress to answering your question.

Those that are in it for the kink, want things done to them, Topping from the bottom is inevitable as you attempt to mold your partner into your fantasy. If you fit this description, you might really be a bottom. That’s fine, just be honest with yourself and your partners.

If you desire to serve, your focus is on her, not yourself. There will be much less desire to top. In this case you are likely a true submissive.

I do believe the term has become toxic and can discourage honest communication. I think that getting together regularly (we meet once a week) is a great idea. We all have needs and this is where you discuss them openly.

If you bring things up during a session, that starts feeling like topping from the bottom.

 

Reading this thread, I do relate.

However, my Queen and I are now in a very different place than we were 25 or 30 years ago.

Back then in the bedroom my lovely Queen was always on top, always in charge. I did top from the bottom however, too frequently. But it did fuel both our desires for what we wanted sexually but we're too chicken to follow through with.

As we have aged, (in our mid 60's), we have recognized and formalized our FLR relationship several years ago. This was after we hit some rougher road in our marriage. We made big changes.

I am all about service now. I get way more pleasure by making my Goddess happy. I do the cooking, cleaning, some laundry, take care of the bills, drive her wherever she wants to go, and basically do anything she tells me. I'm disciplined if I make her mad, but it doesn't happen often.

My point to all of my younger posters here, as you age like fine wine, you start to see the person you're with in different ways. As my Queen and I are in the autumn of our lives, we strive for what makes us happy. My lovely wife of 42 years likes to be pampered, likes to be waited on and served, she likes our house clean, delicious meals..you get the point. It makes me happy making her happy.

We do practice honor system chastity these days. I initiated the idea, but suggested a cage. A non-starter for her.
I was topping in this case.
However, she's noticed since we started this that after I have a release I'm not quite as service oriented and am unfortunately less obedient and respectful. The longer I'm chaste the more I want to please my Queen. She sees the value.

At our age and if you're with someone a long time, you have fewer inhibitions, and intimacy takes on so many different shapes. The act of female led intimacy is so very different than it was 25 -30 years ago for us. I can still bring my Queen to multiple orgasms, but the act is longer, slower and much more exquisite. It's all about her.

 

I think we have all done a little topping from the bottom at some time