Then: Life

A Brief Re-introduction

I’m sure there are many active users that haven’t really seen me around as it’s been some time since I was last actively posting and commenting. So as a quick re-introduction:

The member her at the Mansion known as Growing Curious is my fiancee, and we have been on-again-off-again with chastity since almost the beginning of our relationship. We met in college. I’m a bit older than she is as I was in the Army for a spell before starting school, but we’re both mid- to late-twenties.

It was around this time last year when I stopped being so active at the Mansion. At that point GC and I were not yet engaged, she was recently unemployed, and I still had a little more than a full semester left for my bachelor’s.

Since then:

Late last winter/early spring we took a vacation to Costa Rica and during the trip I proposed, so now we’re engaged and have a date set for the wedding next year. I finished my coursework for my degree in June and received my diploma in August.

Meanwhile, GC had been interviewing for jobs and took a position at a small company in Boston in July. I was looking for a job as well. I ended up accepting a position at a large firm about a mile away from where GC works.

So there we were, both college grads recently employed on the way to a (hopefully) successful career. And we had each other, madly in love and engaged to be married. I mean, that’s what almost every person our age wants more than anything: A good, fulfilling job that pays well and someone magnificent to share life with.

I was living with my parents about 50 miles north of Boston, in New Hampshire, and GC was a little closer to Boston but still quite a distance away and living with family, as well. We looked for a while and then found a wonderful apartment for decent money much closer to the city, but still far enough away that I didn't feel claustrophobic.

(Kind of off-point, but, before even starting our search for a place we sat down and listed what we wanted in an apartment, and then set about prioritizing. It had to be within a 30 minute commute to Boston, had to have off-street parking, but we could compromise on type of flooring, dishwasher/no dishwasher, etc. The place we found ticked all the boxes for “must” and almost every “want” as well. Amazing, really. I still can’t believe how lucky we got.)

So in mid-June when I finished my coursework for my degree our position was: unemployed, living separately with family, no real employment prospects, no idea when the next break would come our way and just hoping we could start life together soon. Three months later we had our own place together that had everything we wanted in an apartment and for the money we could afford, and were both employed at excellent, sound and growing companies.

 

Growing Pains and Finding Stability

There were some growing pains when we first moved in together, as we both expected and were prepared for. Our relationship is founded on honesty, trust, commitment, and communication, so any issue we come up against in our relationship gets sorted out quickly, though not necessarily painlessly.

We were settling in to our jobs, finding the routines that suited us best, learning the best ways to handle our money and budget together, all the things that come with the territory. All the things that everyone deals with. All the things that make it tough to focus on us and our sex life. We knew this and discussed it from time to time, but we were following our plan.

While in school our plan was simple: finish. Then: find job. Then: move in together. Then: find our groove. Then: life. So we are at the “life” point of our plan, finally. Obviously that’s an oversimplification, but I’m sure you get my point.

We’ve always defined how to achieve our goals in terms of the obstacles that we needed to overcome. For instance, when we were unemployed: we wanted to have a more active sex life and incorporate chastity more successfully. That was the goal. The obstacles were not living together and not having the means to do so. Our plan of action was to get jobs and move in together, find stability, and re-asses. Sounds easy putting it that way, but the hardest part was “find stability.” We needed to feel confident and secure in our jobs and living situation and we really had no idea when or how that would happen.

It might seem silly to think that an obstacle to a more active sex life is feeling confident in our jobs. But we knew this was how we worked. If we didn’t have that then our energy would be focused on achieving it. For example, GC would work very long hours some days because she was worried that a task wasn’t done well enough, and she needed to work late to make sure it was perfect. Coming home exhausted at the end of a 12 hour day is not conducive to an active sex life. And neither is coming home at the end of an 8 hours day and not being able to stop thinking about a task and whether it’s good enough or not.

So we needed to get a handle on our jobs, get in a groove, learn the ropes before really diving in to other things like hobbies. Which to us, kinky sex is kind of a hobby. It’s difficult to define where the line between normal sex and could-be-considered-a-hobby-kinky-sex is, but for us it’s about time and energy. Thinking about it as a kind of hobby implies a commitment to some pre-defined structure with certain elements needed and methodologies to follow. We’ve been following a no structure, no definition, no commitment sex life. Basically, vanilla sex. We want more, but more means time, energy, and commitment to structure. We’re at that point now.

 

Together. At Last.

So all of that to say that we discussed chastity again this weekend. I brought it up Saturday morning and we’re both excited to give it a go. We talked at length about the logistics, expectations, goals, etc. We realized that almost all of the things that made chastity difficult in the past are either non-factors or easily handled now.

One thing that was tough in the past was simply the device. Sometimes I needed a break, or more accurately my skin did. But we have two different devices now, a MatureMetal Jail Bird and MySteel ERGOslim, both of which are viable long-term options, with separate pros and cons. If I start to chafe after a month in the Jail Bird, switch to the ERGOslim for a while, etc.

One thing that was always a challenge was balancing reality with fantasy. The problem is that fantasy is always the starting point. I fantasized about chastity for years before getting the chance (or the courage) to start. So fantasy was my starting point, which I thought I tempered with realistic expectations. But you never really know until you try, and once you do you realize that maybe you didn’t temper enough or in the right manner. It’s a balancing act.

I really want long-term orgasm denial. Like, really long, maybe even working towards “permanent” one day. I know everyone has different ideas and definitions of what ‘long-term” means, and how I define “long-term” and “permanent” is a whole other story for another time. Basically, a week or two is nothing to me most of the time. What I (think) I want is more along the lines of 3 months, minimum.

But that was before we were living together. Now that we have the opportunity and energy for real t&d and things along those lines, things that would keep me revved up, I realize that it would probably be enough to start in the one or two week range to give me the feelings of denial I crave. See, starting at fantasy I try and temper with realistic expectations. We’ll see how it goes.

GC knows I really crave the denial which has always been a bit of a challenge since she needs PIV sex and orgasming together. So although we both know I want more denial, we’re starting at the point of denial of anything other than when she wants sex. Pretty much what we did before. But so, so much different now that we live together.

So all the talking over the weekend got GC pretty steamed up and led to some really good sex. We both thought it a little funny that talking about denial led to us having really powerful orgasms, several times. Which is more than we’ve done in a weekend in long time. Boston was pretty much shut down yesterday and today so we were both at home together. She’s still been steamed up a little and we’re both benefiting from that. So me bringing up chastity led to more orgasms and sex in four days than we’ve had in the previous two months. Which was always the idea, really—a more active sex life. Hopefully we’ll start the whole denial thing soon, too, but we’re happy taking this one step at a time. Together. At last.

 

Lol, @Wendygirl you're so right. We have talked about when the time might be right to start a family but that won't be for at least a year or two. We'd like to be a little more established in our careers and own a home before we start. Obviously, there's no guarantee that we might not be surprised one day, but her IUD makes that all but impossible. Hopefully lol

 

Thank you very much @Mistress Watchful I believe we do have an excellent foundation, as well. I wish I had adequate words to express how fortunate I am to have such a wonderful person in my life as GC. It's overwhelming to think about, at times, how lucky I am and how much we love each other. And how much fun we have together, too lol